New here—in pain from mother's silent treatment. So tired of this pattern.

[WalkingWounded]

First of all, I am so thankful to have found this forum. It's helpful to be able to read the experiences of others and know I am not alone.

I made the realization that my mother had BPD a couple of years ago, after she had a very alarming response to the fact I had not heard the phone ring the night before, and so didn't pick up. She blew the situation completely out of proportion and accused me of "always being unreachable", among other things. I have been accused of many things over the years, none of which were true. I always tried to be a "good girl", to win her approval, to be "perfect", and yet was always accused of doing bad things or being a bad person.  

I began researching her behavior, and after reading an article where the conversation they used as an example was almost verbatim to the one I'd had with my mom, I had a lightbulb moment. I knew all my life something wasn't right, but once I started reading, I realized she had all the signs of BPD. The one thing that is her go-to move is the silent treatment, which she's been giving me now for over a month. This episode is causing me a great deal of stress, anxiety, panic attacks and physical symptoms, as normally I know why she's doing it, as it's precipitated by an argument, but this time there was no argument.

I have been low contact for about ten years now, as my stepfather is verbally abusive (I suspect he's a narcissist himself), and said something so nasty to me that I refused to go to their house for holidays, etc. since that time. He and my mother have always constantly screamed at each other all my life, and the rage is truly scary to be around. Strangers have come up to him in parking lots and told him to stop (my parents are elderly, and I'm sure it freaks people out to see that behavior in public). I've asked my mother many times over the years why she didn't leave, and she always gave excuses which didn't make sense. I now realize she has issues, too, it's just that silence is her thing, and not so much the raging.

Anyway, there is so much to say, and I guess I just wanted to vent, because I'm in a lot of pain right now, and so tired of this pattern. This is not a record for her silent treatments by any means, as she didn't speak to me for a year once when I moved out of the house after staying with her when I moved back after living in another state. (That's another scary story, ).

Thank you for listening, and I wish you all success in your journey to healing and peace.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome WalkingWounded! 

So glad you've joined our online family too! There is a great list to the right hand side of this board that has a lot of great information. ------->> > Click on any sentence for more info to open up. Where do you think you are on the list? We are all in a different place on this journey.

It often takes quite a bit of discovery for those of us who are adult children of a pwBPD to realize just what that "something isn't right" actually is. Were you relieved when you made the discovery or how did you feel? Like you, I knew something wasn't right with my uBPDm, but it took a class in college that touched on personality disorders highlighting BPD before the lightbulb went on for me in 2010. I hoped that I finally figured it out, and when I asked my sister to give me her thoughts, she just cried as she read about it, knowing this was our mom.

Would you like some good book recommendations?  Please know it's absolutely normal that you are struggling with the silent treatment and FOG.   Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)  Happens to nearly all of us. It's not your fault that she is responding as she is. It's her choice. To this day when someone seems unhappy with me, I still wonder what I did wrong to cause the behaviour. It's a tough learned response to overcome, but it does get better as you keep reminding yourself that they have choices as to how they'll respond that would be their responsibility, not yours.

 
Wools

[Mutt]

Hi WalkingWounded,



Id like to join Woolspinner2000 and welcome you to the family you’re in the right place you’ll find that you fit right in. I’m sorry to hear about your mom and how  she gives you the silent treatment when you’re ignored it can make you feel like you’re subhuman. I’m not saying that the silent treatment is a criterion of a silent pwBPD some pwBPD have intense anger that’s directed outward and some pwBPD turn that anger inward - silent borderline.

I agree with Woolspinner2000 that it takes time to stop taking the behaviour personally it is attainable and is a part of healing. I can also relate with how you when you said that you had a light bulb moment the behavior is hidden usually the acting out happens behind closed doors my ex used to put me in the role of the bad guy in public I hated that because it was embarrassing for me in front of family members. I hope to read more of your posts. Tell us about the other time that she gave you the silent treatment and why only when you’re ready we have a lot to get off of our chests when we get here.

[WalkingWounded]

Thanks for the warm welcome, Wool and Mutt. I appreciate it very much. 

To answer your question, Wool, I think this recent episode sent me into "mourning" phase and I'm fighting to get to "healing". I've seen the book "Walking on Eggshells" referenced quite a bit here and on other sites, so I think I'll start with that one. Right now I waffle between anger and pain, because I feel like I've given my whole life over to this disease, and yet it's causing me so much pain and anxiety right now I know I have a lot of work to do to heal. I was in therapy once (for self-esteem issues, of course, ), and my therapist recognized where the underlying problems were coming from. They always know. I remember sitting there sobbing to my very soul, and leaving feeling like I'd been run over by a truck every time. It was getting uncomfortable, so I quit, but am now looking forward to returning and working through it. My therapist never put a name to what I'd experienced, but she was digging, because she saw where the underlying issues were coming from.

Mutt, I don't know where to begin with the silent treatment stories. My mother uses the silent treatment as the weapon of choice, but is angry almost all of the time and can fly off the handle over the simplest thing. Is the BPD who uses mostly silent treatment a "silent BPD"? I have to get used to the lingo. I've had a lifetime of being frozen out, starting as a small child. I was "grounded" and getting the silent treatment for almost my entire teens. It's amazing to me that it took the 6-week silent treatment a couple of years ago to finally propel me into realizing that it was not normal for a mother to do this to her child. When I look back over my life there was so much that was not "normal", and it just never occurred to me that it was a clinical disorder. The story around the longest silent treatment was because I moved out after staying with her for a bit after I split with an ex-boyfriend. She started a huge fight when I was on my way out the door, and just cut me off completely for an entire year. Who does that to their own child? A whole year lost for no reason.

I think the reason I am so distressed and anxious is because every time she does this there has always been either a fight or I have stood up to her over an issue, and this time everything seemed calm to me. That is throwing me off. She is "getting up there", although has no health issues, but I worry all the time that something will happen since there is so much yelling and screaming between her and my stepfather. It has been almost five weeks, which is not a record. I am in the process of retraining for another career and planning a move, which she's been supportive of, but maybe any change is enough to trigger something. I have made it clear she is welcome to visit, even for extended periods, so not really sure why it would be a threat. I'm beginning to think it's somewhat cyclical.

Mutt and Wool, from reading some of your other posts, it seems you are probably at least 10 years younger than me, and you are so lucky you could begin healing now. I am so appreciative of being welcomed, and having the chance to get this off my chest.

[Mutt]

I do feel lucky that’s a reason why I help out here I would hope to pass that onto others.

A pwBPD doesn’t have to be the quiet type my exuBPDw was very vocal with her anger and I got the silent treatment from here.

Your mom is probably not used to you standing up people will lash out when you set boundaries that’s normal. The behaviours are usually worse when a pwBPD are under stress. Maybe she doesn’t want to be left alone with your dad it sounds like he triggers her or they trigger each other.

[WalkingWounded]

Mutt, you are right about triggers. It could be anyone or anything that set her off this time. My mother and stepfather have the sickest relationship I have ever seen, without physical violence. When I started the research into BPD, it was noted on several blogs that BPD's often marry narcissists, and I had another light bulb moment. It was a toxic environment growing up, with nothing but constant screaming, yelling, silent treatments, on and on. They hate each other, yet never got a divorce, and are now elderly and still screaming as much as ever, if not more.