Wife got a PT job and now wants to end marriage again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good morning, all,

My wife comes to me this morning and tells me she has accepted a part-time job.  I say "congratulations" since I know she's been job hunting for a job where she can work while our kids are in school.  I ask her about it because she's been doing all of this job hunting in secret (and then getting mad at me because "I don't care" and haven't helped her enough.) 

Anyway, instead of being happy, she's irritated and won't tell me about the job or when she will be working.  I say "I'm sorry you don't want to tell me about the job, but that's your right."  Then she starts in on me about how sad it is that she has to do "all the work" and that she's the "only one who cares about our family."  Meanwhile I've had my career for 15 years and make a decent living for us, but I often tell her we need to live within a budget, which she does not like. 

I've been trying to do better with setting boundaries and making her take more responsibility for herself.  I tell her if she feels she needs to spend above our budget then she'll need to earn more money.  And now she's done this, which is a good thing, but there will be blowback.

So in all of this, she tells me that she wants to start living as a single person now that she'll be bringing in more money.  She doesn't say ":)ivorce" this time, and she says we can live together but she doesn't want anything to do with me.  She's been telling me monthly for about 10 years that she wants a divorce, usually whenever I talk about budgets or spending or voice any independent thoughts. 

So part of me knows this is just how she reacts when she doesn't get her way, but it still hurts.  And part of me knows she feels like I'm not taking care of her.  Which I should pay some attention to.  It's just the way she puts things makes me feel like such a scum bag most of the time and I start believing that I'm a terrible person and husband.  I want to show her support, but I know that with her, anything I do will be wrong - so my motivation shouldn't be to make her happy.  I guess the best thing to do is just follow my gut, get a nice card and make her favorite dinner.  Say "congratulations" and leave it at that.  If she doesn't appreciate it at least I know I did my best.

Thought from the crowd?  Maybe I'm missing something here that I should pay more attention to.  Are her threats of divorce or living separately something I should take more seriously? 

[TangoMike]

Good morning, all,

My wife comes to me this morning and tells me she has accepted a part-time job.  I say "congratulations" since I know she's been job hunting for a job where she can work while our kids are in school.  I ask her about it because she's been doing all of this job hunting in secret (and then getting mad at me because "I don't care" and haven't helped her enough.) 

Anyway, instead of being happy, she's irritated and won't tell me about the job or when she will be working.  I say "I'm sorry you don't want to tell me about the job, but that's your right."  Then she starts in on me about how sad it is that she has to do "all the work" and that she's the "only one who cares about our family."  Meanwhile I've had my career for 15 years and make a decent living for us, but I often tell her we need to live within a budget, which she does not like. 

I've been trying to do better with setting boundaries and making her take more responsibility for herself.  I tell her if she feels she needs to spend above our budget then she'll need to earn more money.  And now she's done this, which is a good thing, but there will be blowback.

So in all of this, she tells me that she wants to start living as a single person now that she'll be bringing in more money.  She doesn't say ":)ivorce" this time, and she says we can live together but she doesn't want anything to do with me.  She's been telling me monthly for about 10 years that she wants a divorce, usually whenever I talk about budgets or spending or voice any independent thoughts. 

So part of me knows this is just how she reacts when she doesn't get her way, but it still hurts.  And part of me knows she feels like I'm not taking care of her.  Which I should pay some attention to.  It's just the way she puts things makes me feel like such a scum bag most of the time and I start believing that I'm a terrible person and husband.  I want to show her support, but I know that with her, anything I do will be wrong - so my motivation shouldn't be to make her happy.  I guess the best thing to do is just follow my gut, get a nice card and make her favorite dinner.  Say "congratulations" and leave it at that.  If she doesn't appreciate it at least I know I did my best.

Thought from the crowd?  Maybe I'm missing something here that I should pay more attention to.  Are her threats of divorce or living separately something I should take more seriously? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[isilme]

TangoMike,

Hi.  It's great she found a job.  Hopefully, it will give her some positive feelings of self-sufficiency as well as get her exposure to other people, a regular schedule, etc.  All of those can help a pwBPD get to be a little more "even" in their emotions.  But there is going to be an adjustment period.  She may have been doing it in secret partly out of fear of shame at being rejected and not getting a job. 

Yes, she is likely feeling put upon to have to assist in providing for the family.  She is hurt that you can't magically grant her every wish and just don't do it without bothering her with things like budgets and reality.  She is probably also scared she might fail, she might not find another job after she fails, no one will like her at work, etc.  And so she needs to make you feel as bad as she does, so she hits you where it hurts.  "All the work" / "only one who cares" is simply wallowing in self-pity, trying to make herself a victim for you to rescue by doing what she wants.  I'd learn to turn out these comments, as there is no validation you can give to the invalid, and trying to convince her otherwise is just JADE-ing your way into a fight.  I listen to my H.  I have to decide which comments need a response and which are simple self-pity that I don't want to reinforce.  Yes - we all work as adults in some way, regardless of who has a job outside the home. 

What does she mean "living like a single person"?  Is she planning to move out?  Then, by all means, she can make those arrangements if she feels so strongly.  Does really she want a divorce?  Do you?  If not, then again, she gets to do all the legwork and you can still contest it.  I can't say if this is a real threat or if she's just learned it can make you jump so she says it.  If you are concerned, find an attorney to speak to, not to start proceedings, but to get some groundwork laid in the event she surprises you. 

I guess the best thing to do is just follow my gut, get a nice card and make her favorite dinner.  Say "congratulations" and leave it at that.  If she doesn't appreciate it at least I know I did my best.

Yes.  Do something nice - it's up to her to accept or not, but you tried. 

I think you sound like a fine person, definitely not someone who needs to worry about being a terrible husband.  Work on establishing some language filters for how much of her comments you will allow to sting, and how many you can ignore and not react to.  She is trying to poke you - her emotions needs an outlet, and getting a rise out of you is one of them.  Deny her that by "not hearing" some of the comments, responding with a bland "ok".

She needs to manage her own emotions.  We all try to help, but we all also need to be cautious about enabling - it's a bit of a tightrope because they WANT to be enabled. 

Hang in there - you both have an adjustment period ahead. 

[TangoMike]

Thank you for the reply - I appreciate all the kind words and good advice.

I don't know exactly what she meant by living as a single person -- or living separately.  She said now that she has a part-time job she was going to open her own bank account and wanted to start living separately.  She said I could stay living in our house if I wanted to.  I told her yes I wanted to and told her I didn't think that just because she got a new job meant we couldn't still stay married.  I said the new job would be very helpful with finances and thanked her for getting it.  Then she started getting upset that I stopped working a second job three years ago said my family didn't support us enough.  I guess all of these thoughts, along with her new job, triggered this whole thing. 

I took a break from my work-from-home job today to make her favorite dinner and dessert.  She may or may not be happy about it, but this is what I'd do for anyone I care for in this situation.

We've been through this cycle 1,000 times where she gets upset with something I've done, or something I didn't do -- like talk to a family member she doesn't approve of, asking her to ratchet back spending, ask her to stop yelling at one of our kids, etc.  When I challenge her on something she usually responds with saying she wants a divorce and then tells me I have to leave.  Early on, when I thought this was "for real", I would take this all seriously and we would have an emotional argument and I would actually start to leave, but then she would start saying she couldn't believe I would abandon the family, and she would cry and ask me not to leave. 

So I started to understand she was making threats to "make me jump."  When I heard her say this  today I know she's upset but I'm not going to engage in asking more questions about what "living separately" or "like a single person" means.  If this is her way of releasing anger/emotions then I don't like it, but at least it wasn't a big yelling episode which I've told her I won't listen to anymore.

I've seen a lawyer to get smart on the process and "lay the groundwork."  Lawyer knows all about BPD and thinks it would be a "high conflict" divorce.  I told my wife that I do want to stay married, but if she is so unhappy with our marriage then she should probably initiate a separation agreement.  I don't think that will ever happen but it could. 

It's this behavior by me that is triggering more episodes in her.  I know it's the right thing to do but it is causing more conflict in the short term.  I promised the BPD Family community to play the long game and do better on setting boundaries and validating.  I'm trying to stay true to that promise and hold myself accountable by messaging y'all when things happen. 

Thanks again and be well.

[GaGrl]

It doesn't sound as if your wife fully understands the ramifications of "living separate lives."  If she is going to open her own bank account, does that indicate she expects you to continue to pick up all the household expenses, while her money is hers to spend as she pleases?  Have you discussed what the budget will look like when she begins to earn a regular paycheck?

One way to approach it is to have his/her/ours accounts.  The "ours" account is for household expenses, and each of you contribute proportional to earnings to cover necessary and regular expenses (mortgage, utilities, food, children's needs).

Otherwise, she's getting a free pass to spend while you hold down the fort.

[isilme]

I agree with Gagrl about the accounts as a boundary to get in place at a time you can do it.  Only you can know when to pick that battle, but it's necessary.  One thing to do might be to limit her access to any joint accounts or set up a private savings account and simply remove a certain amount from it each month and when the joint account can't cover something, it's on her.  Or, she can pay like the electric bill or internet - something that will hurt her if she lets it slip (it will hurt you too, but she needs to feel the sting of not taking care of responsibilities). 

I think some clarification of "living separately" is needed.  Spouses share resources as part of the marriage agreement.  Roommates have to define things better.  Is she your spouse?  Or a roommate?  Then she gets a part of the bills.  (H and I had unequal incomes since I started working 7 years before him.  So I took on about 2/3 to 3/4 the bills, but H had to buy most of the groceries and cover entertainment and eating out.  it seemed relatively fair, but we also had not joined accounts at this point). 

Yes, she will ramp things up as you change your reactions to her poking, and will likely work herself up to an extinction burst... .hoping once that volcano explodes it will lie dormant for a while. 

It IS a long game, to stick with someone with BPD.  I've been with my H for 22 years come May, and on BPD family for almost 11 of those years.  In 2007, I was at a crisis point trying to decide if staying was even what I wanted.  It took a lot of work for me to decide how hard I wanted to work on it, and in his way, H worked, too.  I can say things are for the most part less volatile, he still has triggers and can go off pretty bad, but that is just part of the condition. 

Yes, put the onus of separation and/or divorce on her.  Protect yourself, but you don't need to plan a divorce you don't want, or a separation you don't want. 

[TangoMike]

We’ve always had a joint account where I’ve deposited my paycheck and she deposits money from miscellaneous PT jobs. Her work has usually been less than 10 hours per week since she’s been home with the kids.  So her money just went in with mine and we just spent from the pot.  But now her work and pay will roughly triple and I think it’s good to define what her money pays for - maybe vacation, maybe Christmas and birthdays?   I think definitely any personal spending like massages or spa come from her own earning and savings.  But I’m not OK with her keeping her all of her earnings for personal spending without contributing to bills.  I’ll work on defining that so we both know.

Her talk of living separate lives is part of her control game.  She has this need/fixation on independence and she’s triggered if she ever feels like someone - even me - has anything over her.  It makes marriage hard because a couple can only be happy and successful when you rely on each other and have trust. So as a pwBPD she just can’t do it so we’re constabntly battling over who does what and how many dishes she washed vs me.  Is she ever feels the balance is off she goes to her “I can’t bet married to you” rant.

 It’s hell on the kids too. My son cried himself to sleep tonight because “Mom’s so mean.”  She was mad at him over a simple mess that turned into a personal attack on him being a bad personal.  This made him mad and he kicked her. Now it’s a full on fight like usual. He goes to apologize and she won’t talk to him. Literally throws him out of the room. He feels sorry for kicking, but also knows that her that behavior isn’t normal.  He feels like a bad kid who can’t control his anger - but he’s expected to remain in control under extreme circumstance.  It’s hard to coach young kids on how to the mature ones in the house when she’s constantly stirring up chaos if she feels that she’s being disrespected or “does too much.”  Ugh how did I get in this tangent?  Thanks for listening/reading.

I looked for child therapists near me today. I’m hoping to have at least my two boys in therapy soon to help them manage this and recognize the patterns.  Anyone have experience with child therapy for a BPD parent?  They are 10 & 12.

[ABC123987]

I think she feels she needs to push you away right now, and saying things like that is what she thinks will accomplish that. But she may not even be aware what she's saying or why. It may be because she's overwhelmed by thinking about taking on a job.

You can read my first post regarding my situation here, and some of it mirrors yours in that regard:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323209.new#new

I would just pay close attention to her behavior and see what if anything changes. I know it hurts, boy does it, but now I've read up on BPD, it hurts a lot less every day because it's not what they intend or really want.

[ABC123987]

Something bothers me about the wording you used in your reply, TangoMike. I don't think it's her "control game" - that implies strategy, planning and scheming - but it's not that at all. I thought my gf was behaving the way she was as a way to manipulate and control us and me on her terms, but from what I understand now about pwBPD, she isn't trying to control as much as she's trying to escape her emotional torment. My gf projects her fears onto me. She asks my why I don't buy a new car, and things like that. These comments come across as criticisms of me, but they're actually her own self-criticisms that she's projecting onto me.

I've learned that if I ask her what something cost her, like a facial, she hears me saying that she spent too much money. I think she is ashamed of her spending, and can't 'own' it, so projects it onto me. Now I get that, I don't take those criticisms badly anymore. But it's definitely not a control game, because that's the last thing I see much of - control of anything. It's chaos.

[TangoMike]

Thanks for the reply. I guess it’s still hard for me to grasp exactly what BPD is and the torment she’s going through. I’d like to be more compassionate, but it doesn’t come easy. I think I’m focused on what this is doing to me and the kids. And I think I’m resentful for years of abuse.  I reflected on your comment and I see your point - she tells me all the time I’m a failure, I’m lazy, she hates me, and she wants me out of her life. I get fed up one night and say, hey, if you really feel this way, I’m going to leave. And then things get REALLY ugly with yelling and crying. And then she quickly reverses, and asks how could I walk out on her and says all she wants is to be loved.  And can tell in that moment how scared she is that I might actually go.  So you’re right, it’s more chaos than calculation.

[ABC123987]

Hey, TangoMike,

How are things today? Reading your last post after time has passed I'm certain that she's caught between fear of abandonment and fear of being controlled. Emotions are driving her behavior, emotions that she doesn't know where they're coming from because she's split off from them, so projection onto you and/or blaming others for what's happening internally. Yes, it's incredibly difficult, but you sound like a very stable person with a strong sense of self. I wasn't at that time, still working on it, but if you're still in it, would love an update on how it's going.