Should I send my ex this email?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I want to send my ex gf with BPD this email.I don’t want to be the one who knew what she has but decided not to tell her (even though it may be futile entirely).
Please fellow victims out there what would you think would happen if this hit the eyes of your predators and will it even do anything ? She knows she has issues but has never been to treatment yet.She has no clue what’s wrong with her (her words not mine).


Here it is:

Remember  what you texted me that Monday after we broke up two weeks after “ I don’t usually chase people I guess it’s your lucky day”. Well this is me reaching out to you now and all I ask is you please just read what I have wrote here ok?
I wanted to tell you that in the last month I’ve been trying to understand what has been wrong with you in a good way.What I mean by that is why you behave in certain ways and do certain things .Ive been studying this because I wanted to keep you and have you in my life and I needed to understand you as well and not assume I understand you like most ppl.I think that’s why you’ve also been seeing me as difficult before we broke up and that’s why you’ve been finding it hard to read me and be with me .I think you have known for awhile that I was trying to understand you more and that you were perhaps getting uncomfortable? I have figured out what the issue is and wanted to tell you because I hope you will seek help for it.Just so you don’t feel bad I as well have had issue(s) that needed treatment so it’s not a bad thing.

So ML here Its is .You have what’s called BPD(borderline personality disorder) and no it has nothing to do with bipolar or multiple personalities.Its very treatable with something called dialectrical therapy which are tools and exercises to understand and treat the issues .I even found someone who specializes in this in Montreal for you(they must be trained in BPD not just any therapist will do.) This disorder  has the following symptoms and issues :
Immense fear of abandonment and not being loved (terrified of being alone)

Unstable relationships

Unclear /unstable self image

Self harm or suicidal thoughts sometimes

Extreme emotional swings (go from loving to hating someone in hours)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Cheating or lying ,hiding information sometimes for no reason

Explosive anger

Do things that are  dangerous and auto destructive like (drugs,drinking,unsafe sex with ppl  you barely know)etc etc.

Will sabotage relationships so someone leaves proving they are unloveable (remember what you said about you pushing ppl away that love you)

Will leave a relationship to be sure they decided first and it didn’t happen to them

Past moments of emotion are as real as they were weeks/years ago in the immediate moment.

Extreme fear of embarrassment or judgement

Absent minded doing things last minute

Procrastination


This list goes on... .

I’m sure your saying to yourself right now ,what does he want with me leave me alone Shawn I hate you and you left me twice already f$& off .Look I’m only learning about this stuff to now  and I reacted very wrong now knowing what the issue is.I left to save myself from being hurt and upset so much.Im sick and thought I had cancer (but after tests)I don’t and what I have is curable with medication.What I should have done was stick by your side and been there to help you when you were upset and emotionally in a bad place .Everyone makes mistakes ML  I didn’t understand what I was dealing with I was uneducated about it... .I failed you in a big way.I didn’t pickup on the signs you sent me like telling me numerous times ( I’ll never betray you or hurt you on purpose) or when you said I’m yours for as long as you keep me.All these were signs I never picked up on and ignored now knowing that even YOU knew it was inevitable you’d hurt me in some way eventually just like everyone who’s loved you. Why I didn’t listen to your warning since the beginning? I don’t know I guess it’s because I fell in love with you so fast.After reading about BpD even the love part at the beginning was tuff to read about.
With that said just remember that going for therapy “isn’t to change who Marie lyne is or wants to be”.Its for you to understand what’s going on with you and it gives you the tools to control and manage it.Nobody else can do it for you.No new love ,man,possession can fix you,just yourself.

So what’s the point of this email you ask? Well simply put : regardless if now or later you want this help and therapy so you can live a better life for you and your kids.If you need help my offer will always stand .1:I’ll keep my mouth shut 2: I’ll take your kids to dinner for the 1hr or more you need a week to go. 3: even though I doubt this is a problem but financially if it’s a burden I can help with that to. No don’t get embarrassed here because that’s not what I’m trying to do.Id like to think you still love me and I’d like to think that maybe it would be a good start to let a good friend/ exlover & ex partner help you? This way nobody will know and you can feel at the utmost comfortable knowing nobody can or will judge you? This isn’t some ploy to sucker my way back into your feelings or hurt you again,this isn’t some trick to change you in anyway.You can still be the you ,you want but but with total control on your feelings and issues(everyone has got them).

I know once you return from your trip you will hopefully be on an emotional high and you may find this whole email maybe pointless or stupid but push it in your inbox and wait until your feeling down or sad and reread it... .k ?I don’t even care if you have met someone or not I want to help you and I think my proposal may indeed be worth your time .If you do text or email me then I’ll answer you .Don’t  push this away I promise not to hurt you anymore I finally understand what the issue is and I have managed it wrong since the beginning.Unlike other men / friends in your life ... .I didn’t and couldn’t give up until I found and told you what I now know... .everything is up to you now to take it.

This isn’t about perception (I frankly don’t care what ppl think of you or want you to be)... .you be who you want I’m not here to change it.Its not about judgement either I don’t care what you’ve done right up to while you are reading this! I don’t care about drugs booze sex or anything else ,I only care about you now and your future (whatever you chose that to be ) living single having fun or married with 5 kids it’s not important to me as long as you are happy doing any of it.

I’m an intense person ML as I’m sure you’ve more than noticed in the 6 months we spent together.As bad as it is sometimes ,it’s gotten me through life ok so far.Plus I can go to bed saying to myself :well I said what I had to say good or bad it’s out and on the table no grey zone when dealing with me.

In final why did I send this email ? Why do I care about this? Why won’t I leave you alone? Because I genuinely love you even if you don’t think that’s possible,and I’m not trying to love something I want from you,I just love you.If I would have known what I know now 6 months ago I’d never of hurt you and I’d never of been or felt hurt by your actions.

[Shawnlam]

I want to send my ex gf with BPD this email.I don’t want to be the one who knew what she has but decided not to tell her (even though it may be futile entirely).
Please fellow victims out there what would you think would happen if this hit the eyes of your predators and will it even do anything ? She knows she has issues but has never been to treatment yet.She has no clue what’s wrong with her (her words not mine).


Here it is:

Remember  what you texted me that Monday after we broke up two weeks after “ I don’t usually chase people I guess it’s your lucky day”. Well this is me reaching out to you now and all I ask is you please just read what I have wrote here ok?
I wanted to tell you that in the last month I’ve been trying to understand what has been wrong with you in a good way.What I mean by that is why you behave in certain ways and do certain things .Ive been studying this because I wanted to keep you and have you in my life and I needed to understand you as well and not assume I understand you like most ppl.I think that’s why you’ve also been seeing me as difficult before we broke up and that’s why you’ve been finding it hard to read me and be with me .I think you have known for awhile that I was trying to understand you more and that you were perhaps getting uncomfortable? I have figured out what the issue is and wanted to tell you because I hope you will seek help for it.Just so you don’t feel bad I as well have had issue(s) that needed treatment so it’s not a bad thing.

So ML here Its is .You have what’s called BPD(borderline personality disorder) and no it has nothing to do with bipolar or multiple personalities.Its very treatable with something called dialectrical therapy which are tools and exercises to understand and treat the issues .I even found someone who specializes in this in Montreal for you(they must be trained in BPD not just any therapist will do.) This disorder  has the following symptoms and issues :
Immense fear of abandonment and not being loved (terrified of being alone)

Unstable relationships

Unclear /unstable self image

Self harm or suicidal thoughts sometimes

Extreme emotional swings (go from loving to hating someone in hours)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Cheating or lying ,hiding information sometimes for no reason

Explosive anger

Do things that are  dangerous and auto destructive like (drugs,drinking,unsafe sex with ppl  you barely know)etc etc.

Will sabotage relationships so someone leaves proving they are unloveable (remember what you said about you pushing ppl away that love you)

Will leave a relationship to be sure they decided first and it didn’t happen to them

Past moments of emotion are as real as they were weeks/years ago in the immediate moment.

Extreme fear of embarrassment or judgement

Absent minded doing things last minute

Procrastination


This list goes on... .

I’m sure your saying to yourself right now ,what does he want with me leave me alone Shawn I hate you and you left me twice already f$& off .Look I’m only learning about this stuff to now  and I reacted very wrong now knowing what the issue is.I left to save myself from being hurt and upset so much.Im sick and thought I had cancer (but after tests)I don’t and what I have is curable with medication.What I should have done was stick by your side and been there to help you when you were upset and emotionally in a bad place .Everyone makes mistakes ML  I didn’t understand what I was dealing with I was uneducated about it... .I failed you in a big way.I didn’t pickup on the signs you sent me like telling me numerous times ( I’ll never betray you or hurt you on purpose) or when you said I’m yours for as long as you keep me.All these were signs I never picked up on and ignored now knowing that even YOU knew it was inevitable you’d hurt me in some way eventually just like everyone who’s loved you. Why I didn’t listen to your warning since the beginning? I don’t know I guess it’s because I fell in love with you so fast.After reading about BpD even the love part at the beginning was tuff to read about.
With that said just remember that going for therapy “isn’t to change who Marie lyne is or wants to be”.Its for you to understand what’s going on with you and it gives you the tools to control and manage it.Nobody else can do it for you.No new love ,man,possession can fix you,just yourself.

So what’s the point of this email you ask? Well simply put : regardless if now or later you want this help and therapy so you can live a better life for you and your kids.If you need help my offer will always stand .1:I’ll keep my mouth shut 2: I’ll take your kids to dinner for the 1hr or more you need a week to go. 3: even though I doubt this is a problem but financially if it’s a burden I can help with that to. No don’t get embarrassed here because that’s not what I’m trying to do.Id like to think you still love me and I’d like to think that maybe it would be a good start to let a good friend/ exlover & ex partner help you? This way nobody will know and you can feel at the utmost comfortable knowing nobody can or will judge you? This isn’t some ploy to sucker my way back into your feelings or hurt you again,this isn’t some trick to change you in anyway.You can still be the you ,you want but but with total control on your feelings and issues(everyone has got them).

I know once you return from your trip you will hopefully be on an emotional high and you may find this whole email maybe pointless or stupid but push it in your inbox and wait until your feeling down or sad and reread it... .k ?I don’t even care if you have met someone or not I want to help you and I think my proposal may indeed be worth your time .If you do text or email me then I’ll answer you .Don’t  push this away I promise not to hurt you anymore I finally understand what the issue is and I have managed it wrong since the beginning.Unlike other men / friends in your life ... .I didn’t and couldn’t give up until I found and told you what I now know... .everything is up to you now to take it.

This isn’t about perception (I frankly don’t care what ppl think of you or want you to be)... .you be who you want I’m not here to change it.Its not about judgement either I don’t care what you’ve done right up to while you are reading this! I don’t care about drugs booze sex or anything else ,I only care about you now and your future (whatever you chose that to be ) living single having fun or married with 5 kids it’s not important to me as long as you are happy doing any of it.

I’m an intense person ML as I’m sure you’ve more than noticed in the 6 months we spent together.As bad as it is sometimes ,it’s gotten me through life ok so far.Plus I can go to bed saying to myself :well I said what I had to say good or bad it’s out and on the table no grey zone when dealing with me.

In final why did I send this email ? Why do I care about this? Why won’t I leave you alone? Because I genuinely love you even if you don’t think that’s possible,and I’m not trying to love something I want from you,I just love you.If I would have known what I know now 6 months ago I’d never of hurt you and I’d never of been or felt hurt by your actions.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shawn, I suggest you put your email on the back burner and wait a few days (or more) before sending.  Often in the aftermath of a BPD r/s we Nons get the urge to respond in knee-jerk fashion to something that the pwBPD has done to antagonize or inflame us.  Usually, it's just drama, which is why I think it's helpful to pause and give yourself a chance to think more about the right response, if any, for you.  Often it just leads to more disappointment.

LuckyJim

[Shawnlam]

Thanks Jim I will back burner this until Friday

[Lucky Jim]

Sounds good.  Let's give other members a chance to weigh in with their thoughts.  LJ

[Starfire]

Unless you're trained to diagnose a personality disorder, then you shouldn't.  If you must say something, maybe suggest reading material and ask if she recognizes herself in any of that.  I Hate You, Don't Leave Me is a good book for that.  Then offer your support (assuming you're willing to give it) if she chooses to seek some sort of therapy.

[Jeffree]

Shawn,

You are clearly thinking with a logical, helpful mindset.

Who wouldn't want to know what plagues them and what they can do to make themselves better (when they themselves seem to want to know)?

Guess who?

A pwBPD.

Like Lucky Jim here, I'd table it. She will only resent you for the effort and leave you wondering how that could be her reaction then probably accuse you of being BPD instead of her.

J

[JNChell]

Hey, ShawnIam. I have to echo Lucky Jim & Jeffree here. Nothing positive will come from it, and it could potentially turn out negative for you. The best advice I can give is to turn your focus on you right now. Top notch professionals suggest not doing what you’ve contemplating. I also have to agree with Starfire. Unless you possess a PhD, and specialize in Cluster B’s, you’d be giving an armchair diagnosis.

I’ve made the mistake that you’re contemplating. Leave it be, ShawnIam.

[Shawnlam]

Thanks for the responses I’ve decided to abandon this gesture and forget contacting her completely

[JNChell]

 

[lighthouse9]

Hey Shawnlam,

Great instincts here, and even greater self-control in holding off/giving heed to what folks are telling you here.

Something I've had to learn in my own process is that my instincts might not mean much when dealing with a pwBPD. I'm a pretty logical and rational person, and I'm also a fixer. My wife's undiagnosed and potential BPD was just another thing to logically and rationally understand and come up with the perfect solution to fix. As you read more on these boards, you'll see that a lot of us had the same "instincts" and very few of us got anywhere good with them.

In my case, I went a more tempered route, but it still didn't do much (or at least hasn't yet). I had one really open, intimate, and honest conversation with my wife after she told me she was leaving that I thought blew all the doors open and was going to lead the way to reconciliation. I learned SET and learned to stop the JADE. I was so validating and empathetic. I did all of this while confronting her about an affair she lied about while being the most loving human being on earth. It worked in a lot of ways. It showed her how much I loved her and valued her, even though I was extremely hurt by her actions. It, for the first time in our relationship, lead to one of the longest and most open conversations we've ever had. At that point in our marriage, she couldn't talk to me for more than 15 minutes at a time without getting overwhelmed. That night, we talked for 6 hours, with her crawled up in my lap for a lot of it.

As she talked, I listened. When she described something that I knew to be a trait of BPD, I casually said something like "yeah, I've heard that's called mirroring - there's definitely people who do that and you're not alone." I made it so that everything she said was the least scary thing I've ever heard, which allowed her to open up even more. At no point did I say "I think you have BPD." However, a lot of the things she admitted to were things her mom did, and we've suspected her mom to have BPD for a long time. At many points in the conversation she was self-aware enough to say "my mom does that, too." Finally, she looked at me and started crying and said "does this mean what I think it means?" I just held her and said "I can't diagnose, but you've talked about a lot of things tonight that when put together could mean something. Ultimately though, you deserve support and these things can be overcome and you deserve to not have to deal with them long term."

For a few days, I was her knight in shining armor again and she was going to get DBT therapy.

Then, something happened, I have no idea what, though I could speculate. I found out three weeks later she never went to DBT, despite fabricating details about her therapy to me - even so much as calling me after her first session to tell me it was hard but went well.

At that point, I lost her. We had a few in person conversations after that where her mental state seemed to just decline. She started researching BPD on her own and it sent her spiraling. I have no idea if she ever talked to anyone again about it or ever sought out help, because she shut me out completely at that point.

So, even in my extremely careful version of guiding her into consideration that she might be dealing with BPD (which she admitted to), the outcome was basically her running away, avoiding me even more, splitting me even blacker, and taking the smear campaign to new levels.

It's taken a lot for me to learn that I can't fix her, and that by thinking that I can fix her I've got a pretty skewed version of the world. We'll never be equals if I'm trying to fix her. Without being equals, a relationship is invalid. I've resolved to lead the way right now but getting my own therapy and doing my own work. I've been setting my own boundaries and respecting hers. I'm also detaching from this version of our marriage, which may ultimately lead to divorce. At the least, I know that the relationship we had is over, even if a new one could happen one day. That one day doesn't happen for me without her getting help (that's a solid boundary). Also, I know I can't get help for her. I can't fix her. So, the ball is in her court per se.

It's been said here already, but you're really going to have to channel some of that loving, fixing instinct into yourself right now. Lead the way Shawnlam. Show her what it looks like to get support and do the work. If she follows or even asks where you're headed, let her in a bit if you're still up for it, but not until you have an idea of what your boundaries are right now. She deserves support. Use those words - saying someone "needs help" doesn't usually go over well. "You deserve support" goes over much better. But, you can't tell her that unless she's ready to hear it. You can't ask her to believe it until you do it for yourself. You deserve support Shawnlam. We're here for you. And, that place you found that'll do DBT? See if they'll see you. I go to a DBT place and work with one of the therapists there because she's an expert on BPD, therefore an expert on what family members and significant others can expect. She'll never tell me to run, but she has taught me how to be realistic with my expectations. She's helped me deal with my codependency and has checked my "fixer" mentality.

It's amazing to see how much you care about her and again, your instinct is full of love. Unfortunately, the chance of her seeing that is very slim. Keep writing, keep learning the lessons here, and remember that YOU deserve support. If the door opens to be by her side in her support journey, you can decide if it's a door you want to walk through with her. For now, lead the way and let go of any expectation that she follows. You can do this and we're here for you.
-L

[Shawnlam]

Thank you for that response and sharing your story with me.Its amazing to see the “light switch” change these BPD individuals experience.Ive seen similar when I used to speak to my ex GF she would cry while lying on me on the couch like I finally was getting through to her and then poof 24HRs later she reverted back or worse than before.It seems the more love you give the worse they get.I hate losing and I hate not being able to fix her ,this may sound selfish to say but am I more upset and sad that  I failed or because I lost someone I love so much? I just don’t know anymore... .I need therapy as well ASAP