Hey there MyBPD_friend
I think the behaviour that you are trying to make sense is tied to the area of impulsiveness. It is to this degree of impulsiveness which makes her unstable in making commitments... .whether in romantic relationships or perhaps in platonic relationships such as the one you are having right now. In short, the behaviour you see manifests itself as what most of us would identify as "flakiness".
One of the markers of BPD is categories by impulsive behaviours of various types, ie spending, sex, dangerous driving. What you see here is that of a lesser degree of the manifestation of impulsiviness.
Thank you so much for your response, I see, that you seem to have a lot more experience with these kind of behaviour patterns than I have. I've never met anyone with this behaviour before.
You're right about the impulsive behaviours. She does spend a lot of money on things most people wouldn't, like very expensive hotel stays, drinking/buying champagne in bars and clubs, sex (I don't know), she does dangerous driving and lost her new license for three months after driving drunk... .could continue. She does act in strange ways.
Now, this is a little more complex since i do not yet understand the full situation and the motivation behind her flakiness. In your interactions with her, was she unable to have a decent conversation especially in moments when you perhaps called her up on some of her behaviours? If this is true, I would be inclined to think that perhaps the underlying issue which motivates her flaky behaviour is tied to poor self image - which then further expands into issues of shame, guilt and low self esteem.
Yes, she is totally unable to have a decent conversation about her behaviour and illness.
When we met for the second time, she said she has personality problems and identity problems, without me asking and without any further explanation. Perhaps she wanted to warn me, after I told her that I like her very much. And yes, she has a very poor self image. She doesn't think she is beautiful, the fact is she is very attractive. She wants to have nose surgery for example.
by watching her and the pictures she's e-mailed me, I think she cuts her arms and legs when she feels terrible. Last November she told me that she's been doing very bad and had a difficult time. I'm not sure if that is related to our contact or just her illness and perhaps feeling guilty for her behaviour.
The first time we met and spent a whole night out, she mentioned a strange sexual desire (strap-on sex).
Shortly after we talked at a club to which I took her, she started kissing a stranger she never met before, that went on for two hours. When I drove her home early in the morning she started crying heavily for no reason and it wouldn't stop, only after I agreed to sleep in the guestroom. I believe she experienced the issue of possible abandonment, because I wanted to leave.
From what you mentioned, she sound a little "sheepish" in her response by starting with "Hee". that seems like she may feel inadequate in responding to you. She may perhaps have a deep need for unconditional acceptance and may possibly be that addressing any issue about her behaviour is simply too overwhelming for her to face head on as a result of the core wound of shame... if she is truly diagnosed with BPD that is.
What do you mean by this?
... .inadequate in responding to you... .After having read many text about personality disorders and other things, especially BPD, I'm absolutely sure she has BPD, but she probably also has other disorders, such as anxiety, calling for attention and more
Shame would cause her to think that there is something wrong her as a person when calling out her behaviour for her. She may not be able to separate the fact that we can accept people but not condone certain behaviour traits. For them, calling out on a behaviour that seems wrong would mean rejecting them totally as a person... which would then cascade onto the core wound of abandonment. This is especially true of people who suffer BPD as a condition. Any slight rejection would trigger feelings of extreme abandonment which in most cases, probably be totally opposite from what the person is trying to communicate to this person having BPD.
I've tried to make sure that she knows that I like her, she knoss that I've read about PS and BPD and I've been telling her that I understand a lot, but not all without talking to her. She knows I want to see her again, and think she wants to.
It must be indeed tiring or even exhausting to want to understand such a person's behaviour. You have pointed out something of trauma... .I would have strong basis or hypothesize that her responses toward you are probably trained responses developed as coping mechanisms during her childhood or traumatic encounters. There seems to be this element of wanting to hide... .and hope things will go away.
I've written about the trauma in another post (very long text and introduction). When we met, I now realize that I saw myself in her. I saw that young boy who was longing for love and acceptance, I was extremely lonely. At 10 I had a terrible accident with fire (explosion) that left me with many scars in my face, I had about 25+ surgeries. My parents couldn't deal with the situation or talk to me about these issues. I was forced to heal myself - somehow over the years.
This woman gave me what I was dreaming of during that lonley childhood with a lack of love and acceptance. Her behaviour towards me was like a blue print of emotional desires to come true. She looked at me and touched my face like no one did when I was a young boy, teenager and man.
Of course my live has changed to the better, I became a very strong person, found a wonderful loving wife who gave me even two children. I thought my life was good, rich and very happy, then I met her in Holland, and everything was diffenrent.
It does seem that this friendship is wearing down your mental capacity, and on the flip side you seem to have found someone that could relate to your own past experiences and share a unique kind of bond. May I then ask, if perhaps you have had time to work through your own trauma if you haven't ?
Yes, as said before, this woman brought my traumas, fears, desires and just a lot of things to the surface, that after about 30 years. I've thought about my trauma, my parents, my mother in particular. my mother never overcame what happened to me, she blamed me for an accident, that wasn't even my fault, it was that of two other boys playing with fire. I've been thinking about finding a therapist, I've never had any therapy before. I've healed myself with art and photography, my friends were a good help, my wife especially, we met back in 1989 in San Francisco, we're both German and live in Germany.
I feel like my mental capacity with this woman is coming to an end. I know she'll never change her communication, she also won't have therapy (I believe she is not in any kind of therapy).
She won't give any answers to me, perhaps in a year or later, but I can't wait that long.
Also, I don't see any future for a close, open and respectful friendship. I don't believe in platonic relationships between women and men. There is more emotion from me than just that, I think there is also more on her side. This feels like a one way street. I need to get out of this soon.
I mentioned in another treat that we met accidentally in late January after 10 weeks of silent treatmernt from her. She knew I was coming to her city.
She put herself two yards in front of me in a bar, I only realized that after seconds or a minute while busy with my phone. We looked at each other for a few minutes with no words, her eyes going deep into my heart. I'll never forget that look. Then she came to my table and said hi. Besides a few words of nothing we kept looking at each other for more minutes without speaking. That was the strangest experience I made so far. Before she came to me she took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second.
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As for suggestions, i guess the hard question to ask at this point is, how ready are you to move on and detach emotionally until you are recharged emotionally. Perhaps you might want to give some thought into that and what this friendship means for you. Many of us get stuck between staying or going sometimes and that is really natural. So i hope that you would not feel obligated to stay, but yet at the same time if you make a decision to move on and leave, you would not feel guilty as well.
Once you've decided on what to do next, we can perhaps then explore possible decisions and steps to take.
Takecare,
Spero.
I agree with you. What does that friendship mean for me?
Well, since there is no open communication and conversation, it's hard. I did learn, that this friendship has opened my eyes to my past and childhood, and it helps me to work on my trauma and my relationship to my parents, especially to my mother. These are thoughts that came trough this friendship.
Still, at this point it feels so difficult to make a final cut. I'm not sure if I would feel guilty. I believe she knows that I understand a lot more than most of her friends, family and people around her.
Our traumas have connected us.
Last year, after six months of NC she came back in November with a few short SMS telling me she wanted to see me, but I rejected back then. She knew through a friend that I was in the area. Until then I was doing much better and was on my way of forgetting her.
