Does hating on the replacement leave you in the drama triangle?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, reading some of the topics and posts on the board has led me to ponder about a specific viewpoint, and that is about replacements. It seems like many people degrade and denounce their "replacements", also known as the person that pwBPD attaches to after their respective relationship with you. I have seen so many fellow comrades calling their "replacement"  names and automatically put them on an "enemy" position.

I understand this behavior comes out of hurt and anger. I know and understand the need to vent, to feel better, and desire to release.

I would just like to mention that, perhaps if you sit down and think, that "replacement" could very well be the next you, the next victim that suffer as much as us. Do you really know them? Have you ever thought about the possibility of you being the replacement of someone else? Does hating on the replacement leaves you in the drama triangle?

I am in no way trying to initiate any uncomfortable or harsh feelings and definitely not trying to put anyone down. Just that I have been thinking about this topic for quite some time and would like to share my thoughts.

What is your take?

[Secondhand ploy]

Hi all, reading some of the topics and posts on the board has led me to ponder about a specific viewpoint, and that is about replacements. It seems like many people degrade and denounce their "replacements", also known as the person that pwBPD attaches to after their respective relationship with you. I have seen so many fellow comrades calling their "replacement"  names and automatically put them on an "enemy" position.

I understand this behavior comes out of hurt and anger. I know and understand the need to vent, to feel better, and desire to release.

I would just like to mention that, perhaps if you sit down and think, that "replacement" could very well be the next you, the next victim that suffer as much as us. Do you really know them? Have you ever thought about the possibility of you being the replacement of someone else? Does hating on the replacement leaves you in the drama triangle?

I am in no way trying to initiate any uncomfortable or harsh feelings and definitely not trying to put anyone down. Just that I have been thinking about this topic for quite some time and would like to share my thoughts.

What is your take?

[Mutt]

Hi Second hand ploy,

I agree with having a balanced perspective about replacement ill give you my experience as an example he didn’t know what he was taking on when he rescued my exuBPDw he’s paying for it today. That being said he also broke a home i had small kids their still young there was a lot of anger that I had to get validated to move forward. You’re right a lot of members arrive here and are raw so it’s understandable some newbies are angry.

[Shawnlam]

I will have to agree and also disagree with your statement.Itbis true that if the BPD lies to any new prospects by not telling them they have someone else waiting for them then I agree 100% they are victims just like we are/were.However if they were told no worries I’m about to leave him or they know something is off with the secrecy then they get what they deserve period.I have noticed that in my ExBPDgf past she has this set trend all me to explain.

Actual relationships since her age of 29 are 6 total.The first was also the father of her first son (he has a restraining order on her that’s all I know).Second relationship was 2nd father of her youngest son.This lasted 6 years and she said he cheated on her and she broke his leg and left the house(my thoughts today is he caught her cheating) Then there was a co-worked who he himself had BPD and they had a physical relationship nothing else and it was all about who mad who jealous the most by cheating.Then there was the prize relationship that got the furthest for her , a marriage purposal and a house together.This lasted 3 years and ended in disaster.She said he left her three times and since I know her information when devulged volunteeringly is usually the reverse so she cried to come back 3 times. Then 1 year later I came along .
Now inbetween each and everyone of us was a slew one sex partners/escorting and bottom of the barrel losers (anyone or anything that would give her attention,including woman). So with that said in my exGF case I can honestly say that lots of her in betweens were pure garbage.

[space261083]

I will have to agree and also disagree with your statement.Itbis true that if the BPD lies to any new prospects by not telling them they have someone else waiting for them then I agree 100% they are victims just like we are/were.However if they were told no worries I’m about to leave him or they know something is off with the secrecy then they get what they deserve period.I have noticed that in my ExBPDgf past she has this set trend all me to explain.

Actual relationships since her age of 29 are 6 total.The first was also the father of her first son (he has a restraining order on her that’s all I know).Second relationship was 2nd father of her youngest son.This lasted 6 years and she said he cheated on her and she broke his leg and left the house(my thoughts today is he caught her cheating) Then there was a co-worked who he himself had BPD and they had a physical relationship nothing else and it was all about who mad who jealous the most by cheating.Then there was the prize relationship that got the furthest for her , a marriage purposal and a house together.This lasted 3 years and ended in disaster.She said he left her three times and since I know her information when devulged volunteeringly is usually the reverse so she cried to come back 3 times. Then 1 year later I came along .
Now inbetween each and everyone of us was a slew one sex partners/escorting and bottom of the barrel losers (anyone or anything that would give her attention,including woman). So with that said in my exGF case I can honestly say that lots of her in betweens were pure garbage.

Oh I totally get you here Shawn. My wife's bf (its still crazy saying that) is an idiot. There is no other way I can put it. He has no job, smokes weed and drinks daily, stays in bed until afternoons, has missing teeth, no hygiene, and thinks its ok to move in with a married woman 2 weeks after her husband leaves. He has no honour and no moral compass. He is no man, he is trash. Believe it or not I don't actually have an issue with him per se, I see my wife playing a little game and he's just the unfortunate victim to be. He's just irrelevant, could of been anybody.

[medjool]

I can see your point and in many cases, you are likely right.  I think chances are good that anyone who falls for a BP has their own wounding that makes the red flags seem bearable.

My BP ex met someone and started looking at apartments with her barely a week after they met.  I was naturally furious (we were still married at the time) and deeply hurt, and I resented her so much for blowing things up as badly as she did by simply *being there*.

Eight months later, she contacted me with bruises on her thigh and she told me that he had kicked and shoved her, then put her things on the porch and told her to leave.  She and I spent two days having a very healing text conversation, processing him and his behaviour.  In it all, I discovered that she, too, had zero understanding of a healthy relationship and that she, too, is a very empathic, giving soul.  She is lovely, but she also entered into her relationship with my ex very wounded and looking for a saviour.

[Shawnlam]

It’s very hard for all of us to come to the conclusion how internally disturbed these creatures are.Im starting to equate it to a junky or alcoholic that stashes booze in the car,at work,home ,the cabin up north etc.Well BPD’s seem to just do this with people in order to make sure they have attention always no matter the source.
Our logical brains are telling us that the more love we show them and more attention will prevent them from leaving or looking elsewhere and they will see what real love is... .but they are too damaged and we need to understand it will never happen.We offer a lifetime of 5 course meals that require a little effort to eat (like which fork to use etc) and all a BPD wants is fast food from a different place every few months.

I think honestly when trying to figure out my exBPDgf who I will openly say I love deeply (more than anyone else on this planet), it was the closest I came to feeling what insanity is.I wish in many ways I’d never have known her for 5 years and even less had a romantic relationship with her.I wish I’d never met her kids either cuz there is a whole other mix of feelings that I failed them somehow as well.I know the power she has over me even though I left her,in 2 years if she showed up at my door with nothing I’d probably give her shelter and money.

With that said not to get too off topic here: I won’t feel compassion or pity for her next victims but I won’t feel hatred or vengeful either because they don’t know how dangerous she is .In final : was it a privilege to have been loved and manipulated by someone with BPD? Is it fair to say no normal human being will ever feel as loved as we did even though it was destined for failure? Maybe... .do I regret it,yes and no.

That saying :better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Pertain to us victims?  I think it would need to be changed in context when dealing with what we are all dealing with . Maybe something along the lines of : better to not have been loved so much and feel lost ? Than to never have loved at all?  Cheesy I know but far from the truth ? I don’t think so

[SWLSR]

Hello Second hand

I did at one point hate my replacement.  Some of which was  I felt at the time was justified.  He said some really bad things about me most which got back to me while at the same time was living in the house I payed for.  I did come to understand that she, my then wife, most likely feed him a line of bull.  Since then I have moved on with my life as best I can, I do not wish to speak to him but I stay out of the relationships he has with my now ex wife.  And when there break up takes place and I know it is only a matter of time, I will stay out of that also.

[introvert]

Hi all, reading some of the topics and posts on the board has led me to ponder about a specific viewpoint, and that is about replacements. It seems like many people degrade and denounce their "replacements", also known as the person that pwBPD attaches to after their respective relationship with you. I have seen so many fellow comrades calling their "replacement"  names and automatically put them on an "enemy" position.

I understand this behavior comes out of hurt and anger. I know and understand the need to vent, to feel better, and desire to release.

I would just like to mention that, perhaps if you sit down and think, that "replacement" could very well be the next you, the next victim that suffer as much as us. Do you really know them? Have you ever thought about the possibility of you being the replacement of someone else? Does hating on the replacement leaves you in the drama triangle?

I am in no way trying to initiate any uncomfortable or harsh feelings and definitely not trying to put anyone down. Just that I have been thinking about this topic for quite some time and would like to share my thoughts.

What is your take?

Don't worry or be jealous. That was my first reaction after my first BPD relationship ended 5 years ago. Time has PROVEN (over and over and over and over again) that everyone that followed me was just as much if not more so ___ed up by her. One even ended up in jail on false accusations and still has a record. You might think it might work out for them, it won't. In my short second BPD relationship I got a chance to go through the pwBPDs phone... .trust me... .It's not real real with anyone. It never is. Promise. Rest easy.

[Cromwell]

I felt a lot better after I beat him up.

but that was the wrong thing to do.

yes it keeps the drama going and i unfairly attributed the pain that she had caused by cheating on me in such a nasty way that she did it, I focused on him as the problem. The truth is, if it wasnt him personally, it would have been anyone else during that moment of dysregulation and painting black she did against me.

I guess replacement is the wrong word when you are being triangulated, or it depends on the exact nature. But from what I put together she wouldnt have so much a triangle as her goal would be to have as many guys as possible that she could play one off against each other for her own gain and prop up her low self esteem.

ill get accused now of painting her black, but I really cant think of any other word than whore. im sure she would even agree with it if asked to be truthful.

sometimes we can end up psychiatrising stuff too much when the facts are simple.

[Secondhand ploy]

These are some very informative and educating replies. I myself was very guilty in being triangulated and was deeply hurt after our break up as were others on this site. I think what prompted me of starting this topic is because I felt guilty of hating on the replacement, who happened to be the 3rd party of our relationship at the time. BPDex has openly expressed to me her insane love and emotion for this person, whilst still in relationship with me. She made us befriend one another first, and then continue to confess that she never loved me as much as she did him. Only had a little love for and connection to me, and have so much connection and love for him. Mind you, apparently she's known him longer than she did me. I felt like I myself was the third party later on. I felt used. And I absolutely blamed him instead of her, which is not right at all.

I realized that it wasn't his fault that she left me, after the fact. All in all, I truly only wanted to share my sudden spurt of thought you could say, I wasn't justifying the involvement of a third party or that we should "feel bad for them". That is definitely not my intention.

I am sorry if I sound otherwise. I might be able to communicate and describe facts, but sharing thoughts and ideas is a tricky one for me.

[Cromwell]

normal women might like to string along two guys for awhile whilst deciding which one they prefer in terms of looks and personalities. then choose one once they are sure.

with BPD and triangulation it is different in that it is not for looks and personality as much as it is to see which is the more resourceful at meeting the needs and less likely to abandon. ideal scenario is to keep both going at the same time, although that does run the risk of losing both. so the power of the triangulation is to keep contact with both but play off them to get competitive and "fight" hard to keep her. it gives the impression that she is valuable and fought over.

so dont take it personally that you werent as "good" as the replacement, the facts are that whoever she has ended up is simply a more manageable (read: easier) target.

this should be taken as a reverse compliment! although it might not feel that way and the impression is never given.