Don’t know where to start - BPD mother driving me insane

[Gir5]

Firstly I’d just like to say how delighted i am to have found this website! Even just knowing there’s other people going through this is incredibly comforting!

Brief background: I’m a 30 year old who has a BPD diagnosed mother (about 2 years officially diagnosed). Since her diagnosis, she’s become really unmanageable and I’m finding things really difficult to cope with; the walking on eggshells constantly, threats of self harm/ suicide, verbal abuse, etc. Thankfully I’m not her main carer as I think I’d need one myself! I have anxiety and depression anyway and get really stressed by these things, I’m not one for confrontation.

I live in a different city to my mother and the rest of my family, about 120 miles away,  and have done for the last 12 years. I have very recently started my own family and she’s really finding things difficult to adjust to as she’s not the centre of my attention anymore.

During my pregnancy she was  really difficult, she came to mine and my partner’s house to help renovate it for my son’s arrival, during this time of her staying she went awol more than a few times, disappearing for hours at a time, getting drunk and on one occasion she came back to the house with her face covered in blood from self harm/ attempted suicide. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen her in this state, only this time I couldnt cope with it all as I was extra hormonal, because I couldnt cope with her I had to have a break from her which sent her into some kind of mega rage, she said ‘if I do commit suicide it’ll be your fault’. I really feel traumatised from this whole period. It’s getting harder and harder to go on as if nothing’s happened each time I see her or speak to her. I don’t even know how I feel about it and I’m currently having therapy to unpick these tangled messed up feelings. As well, she had convinced herself she’d never see her grandson.

So since I’ve had my son who’s now 6 months old,  I’ve been trying to convince her I still care but whatever I do seems to fail, there’s no pleasing her, she’s visited, we’ve visited,  we phone, we text (all dependent on her moods). She’s been pretty down recently so we haven’t been in touch as much but apparently that’s all my fault and I don’t care,  so cue the abusive texts.  She’s also been bitching about me to my entire family who are now convinced I don’t care about her or them either, not that they’ll have seen any of these texts or the ones I sent her as she deletes them all. I’ll admit, I don’t bother with the rest of my family as they’re all just willing to kneel down to her every request and this works because they’re sacrificing their lives to live for her, I do love my mother but I cannot put her first anymore, this is all bringing me down which is causing problems in my family as this goes on and on. I just can’t deal with the constant stress, guilt, anger, abuse etc etc.

Has anyone had any success in compromise between having a family and having a ‘new family’?
Or found a way of dealing with the abuse without getting emotionally caught up in it all please?

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

[Mutt]

Hi Gir5,

 

It’s nice to have you! Welcome to the family! It does feel better knowing that there are others out there that you talk to about BPD. I think of it like divorce unless you’ve been through a divorce its hard to empathize with the pain its easier to sympathize.

I’m thinking kids are a permanent attachment and to someone that has an intense fear of aloneness there is some consolation in that. It sounds like she’s waifish inducing guilt in others for an emotional rescue. You’re right you have your own life you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings.

Have you thought about setting boundaries? She’s causing you a lot of distress and it’s too much to cope with especially when you have a 6 month old child you could set a boundary with self protection reduce contact with her with minimized contact so that it gives you the space at you and your family need and time for you to recharge?

[Speck]

Welcome, Gir5!

 

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the discussion forums. From what you've written, you and I (and many others here) have a lot in common. First, we have the "light bulb" moment when we first find out about BPD - and it explains so much. Then, we reach out to others for support, as you have. So, welcome, you're in the right place.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Firstly I’d just like to say how delighted i am to have found this website! Even just knowing there’s other people going through this is incredibly comforting!

I know what you mean. And we're so glad you're here to add your voice to the community.

I have very recently started my own family and she’s really finding things difficult to adjust to as she’s not the centre of my attention anymore.

First of all, congratulations on your new addition! Secondly, I think you've really hit the nail on the head with the above statement. Your new family may be triggering your mother's behavior (i.e., sense of abandonment). But, as you probably already know, the tricky part is this: Her behavior is not really about you or her new grandson at all! And, of course, knowing that doesn't make her behavior any less difficult to deal with. And furthermore, it makes total sense that your primary concern is your new family, rather than your mother. It's the way of the world, a law of nature, the way things go... .

Has anyone had any success in compromise between having a family and having a ‘new family’? Or found a way of dealing with the abuse without getting emotionally caught up in it all please?

I like what Mutt is suggesting to you regarding setting some boundaries with your mother. She's not going to like it, and there may be some fallout involved, but I would think that you are going to be needing to give yourself the gift of clarity and space in order to focus on your son's needs.

Please let us know how best to support you. Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Hang in there.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning.


-Speck

[Turkish]

You,  your child and his father are your primary family.

As Speck said

it makes total sense that your primary concern is your new family, rather than your mother.

 Mutt is right in pointing out her Waifish behaviors. The Waif is the abandoned child who needs to be rescued. Christine Ann Lawson talks about it in her book: [https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0]Understanding the Borderline Mother - Christine Ann Lawson PhD]/url] This was a tough book for me to read, but it does give tips on how to interact with the Borderline types.

The suicide ideation and the blood were tough to deal with.  That's extreme! You shouldn't have to deal with that, especially with a baby.

We have lots of tools here which can help communications and to reduce conflict. It would be good to start with the featured articles in the Tools pull down at the top of the site it the green tab. Wisemind is good,  but take a look at SET to start https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict



Turkish