Final Judgement of Divorce came in the mail today.

[Speck]

For those who don't know my story, over a period of ten years, my uBPDw walked out on our marriage four times and successfully recycled me three. After discovering bpdfamily in December 2017, I understood that it was not in my best interest to be recycled a fourth time. I was done. The timeline for how this all played out is below for those of you who are interested:

Nov 30 - The very last time she walked out (I had simply asked her if she was avoiding me, which she had been doing). Boom! Gone.
Dec 6 - Six days later, she emailed me divorce settlement papers that she had her attorney draw up.
Dec 7 - I discovered bpdfamily after Googling my wife's behavior. A sinking "ah-ha" moment hit me like a ton of bricks.
Dec 19 - Had first therapy appointment to manage the grief.
Jan 2 - I signed the settlement papers after having my lawyer look them over.
Jan 10 - She also signed the settlement papers.
Jan 24 - I joined bpdfamily.
Feb 13 - She gave her oral testimony before the court... ."unreconcilable differences."
Mar 23 - Final Judgement of Divorce official.
Mar 28 - Final Judgement of Divorce mailed to my home.

So, start to finish, roughly four months later, I am now officially divorced. I no longer have a wife, if I ever had her to begin with.

When I met my wife, she had an adorable, little 8-year-old in tow. I informally adopted her child and raised her as my own. This child is now 18, and bound for college this year. By all accounts, this child views me as her dad, and we have a special bond. I will continue to support this kid in all her endeavors and will help her out financially throughout college.

Although I don't "believe in" divorce, and tried my damndest to keep it together for ten years, it's all academic at this point. This was an uncontested divorce on my part because I knew that it needed to be carried out for my own sanity, peace, and mental health.

I will always wish my former wife well... .waaaaaaaay far away from me.

Thanks for listening.


-Speck

[JNChell]

Hey, Speck. Despite everything, it seems like you’re rather liberated. It’s great to hear that you’re able to maintain a relationship with your SD, and straight up commendable that you’re maintaining the role that you took on with her. Bravo! You’re showing her the bright, shining example that she needs to see.

I know that marriage and coupling are very different things. There was no differentiating between my ex and her daughter. It was a package deal, and that’s how she structured it. I tried to simply be friends with her daughter first. The thing is, if mom was mad at me, daughter had to be, too.

Good for you, Speck! You’re teaching by showing values that your SD might’ve never known.

[Speck]

Hey, JNChell!

Thanks, bud. This whole thing has been a doozy to mentally wrap my head around, and it helps to know that people here understand.

I know that marriage and coupling are very different things.

Well, perhaps, not by much... .the differences could be the small end of nothing, whittled down to a fine point. In my humble opinion, pair bonding is pair bonding, whether it has the State behind it or not.

There was no differentiating between my ex and her daughter. It was a package deal, and that’s how she structured it. I tried to simply be friends with her daughter first. The thing is, if mom was mad at me, daughter had to be, too.

I hear you on that. It sucks, too, brother. There's nothing you can do when that happens. In my case, my daughter is now old enough to see me as just one "dad" in a very long line of them. There shall be more.

Thank you so much for your support.


-Speck

[Rinzler]

10 years and 3 recycles.  You sir are a saint.

I could barely do a year without having to extract the monster from my home. Because the offenses were more than I could continue to tolerate, I cant imagine being in a marriage and walk outs? while u probably flipped all the bills?

Oh no.  No way.

I wish u a very very selfish bloated vacation and the treatment of a king for as long as u can handle.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Speck,

Wow. That was fast. I think my head would be spinning.

You have been through several breakups with your ex., but it was never “official” like this. And you hadn’t discovered BPD and this site, so I can imagine that it’s time feels different?

How long were your previous breakups?

I’m sorry it has come to this, so quickly and abruptly. Even if you were ready, it’s the end of something.

And also the start of something new.  

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Congrats!  I didn’t get married to get divorced either   You have a second lease on life, that’s exciting!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Speck, It's a big step to get the official decree and I'm happy for you.  Now you can close that chapter in your life.  What I've discovered, post-divorce, is that the unknown is where greater happiness can be found, which is what it's all about, right?

LuckyJim

[spero]

Hey there Speck,

Thank you for sharing stuff that has been happening on your end. 10 years is indeed a long time have gone through all that your ex-partner has thrown at you. I don't know how you are feeling at this point... .perhaps relief but yet melancholy, perhaps somewhere a part of your heart has stop beating. You had to do what was necessary... .mostly likely out of self preservation, above any other reason.

My heart goes out to you. I've was with my uBPDexGF for almost a year and i could no longer take the drama, devaluation, emotional abuse she was hurling at me. I was pretty much left with no other choice but to leave. I know personally, the heart takes much longer to catch up with reality than the mind. I've tried in my power to help, soothe, comfort, support, encourage... and i've come to the end of myself. Nothing i do would make her feel better, nor make the situation better, and so i had to leave.

So i do wish you well now that you've crossed this bridge and there is no turning back.

Stay strong and take heart,
Spero.

[Speck]

Hey, Rinzler:

10 years and 3 recycles.  You sir are a saint.

Well, I don't know about being a saint, but it was very bath math, indeed. It was more like ridiculously painful trigonometry, with so many tangents I never knew which way was UP. But, now it's over.

I cant imagine being in a marriage and walk outs? while u probably flipped all the bills?

Oh, yes. Luckily, I paid the house off before we were married. The utilities are also in my name... .so she was basically financially free to come and go at will. And she did.

I wish u a very very selfish bloated vacation and the treatment of a king for as long as u can handle.

Thanks, brother. I don't know why this made me laugh so hard, but it did.  Thank you.


-Speck

[Speck]

Dear heartandwhole,

Wow. That was fast. I think my head would be spinning.

Oh, it is. I was also the last to know. Her mother's birthday was Monday, and so I brought my MIL some fresh-cut flowers for her birthday. I saw my wife there at her parents' house, and she didn't say a word to me about being divorced. I found out by mail yesterday (Wednesday).

You have been through several breakups with your ex., but it was never “official” like this. And you hadn’t discovered BPD and this site, so I can imagine that it’s time feels different?

Yes, absolutely. Once I discovered bpdfamily, I finally understood what I was dealing with as far as my uBPDxw's behavior (and what I had been coping with for a solid decade). When I landed here, I knew that my relationship was already broken beyond repair and that I would never be able to trust my wife again. But, I found true comfort in the validation, support, and camaraderie freely given here. And, while the information gleaned herein broke my heart, it gave wings to my feet, hope for change, and provided me with actionable steps for reclaiming my life.

How long were your previous breakups?

Walkout #1: One day
Walkout #2: One day
Walkout #3: Four months
Walkout #4: Forever.

Even if you were ready, it’s the end of something. And also the start of something new.  

Yes, I'm a little mullygrubby this week, but I know the outcome is for the best. And, yes, I will learn from this whole saga (and become a very, very wise old man with a cool walking stick and a loyal Golden Retriever).  

I'm only 46... .

Thank you so much for your kind words of acknowledgment and support, heartandwhole. As you very well know, it means so much!


-Speck

[Speck]

Mutt!

Congrats!  I didn’t get married to get divorced either   You have a second lease on life, that’s exciting!

Now that you mention it, I have been looking into new things to do for myself. It's a really weird feeling to now have all this freedom. I feel like a cat who's been kept in a small box for 10 years and has just been let out into a huge room with vaulted ceilings. I'm still crouching around... .but, I'll get my bearings.

There is this really awesome biking trip in Iceland that I plan to book for myself as soon as I have my daughter's college paid off. So... .there's that.

Thanks, Mutt, for reminding me of good things still to come.


-Speck

[Speck]

Hello, Lucky Jim!

I knew I could count on you to lend a healthy dose of your unflinchingly solid perspective on reality:

Hey Speck, It's a big step to get the official decree and I'm happy for you.  Now you can close that chapter in your life.  What I've discovered, post-divorce, is that the unknown is where greater happiness can be found, which is what it's all about, right?

Indeed. I think that healthy anabolism only happens after destructive catabolism. And, I also agree that greater happiness is related to pushing oneself out into the greater unknown where new lessons can be learned. Growth = Happiness to me. Thank you for your kind support in general, and for sharing your post-divorce perspective in particular.


-Speck

[Speck]

Spero!

Thank you for popping in to lend an ear. I really appreciate it.

I don't know how you are feeling at this point... .perhaps relief but yet melancholy... .

Yes. This is exactly it. A razor's edge of both emotions. And... .it's okay because I know that better times are ahead.

Nothing i do would make her feel better, nor make the situation better, and so i had to leave.

I fully understand what you're saying here. And, I'm sorry for that. I guess I could have stayed around willing to be recycled a fourth time, but after looking at it closely, I determined that it would be an exercise in self-flagellation, nothing more. Sometimes, ya just gotta say, "No, thanks. I'm good."

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to make me feel heard and supported, Spero.

Step by step, we heal. This is how.


-Speck

[ozmatoz]

I guess I could have stayed around willing to be recycled a fourth time, but after looking at it closely, I determined that it would be an exercise in self-flagellation, nothing more. Sometimes, ya just gotta say, "No, thanks. I'm good."

This is where I'm at now... 17 years this will be the 3rd or 4th (some were a little muddy) recycle attempt.  I finally had the guts to say its over and now she's turning up the heat... .we can do this, together... .look at the love... .  I've stayed strong but man its tough.  There's a lot of unknowns coming my way but I'll take them over getting rung through the coals again.

Glad to here you made it to the other side, enjoy your well earned freedom!

-Oz

[toomanydogs]

Congratulations, Speck!
On the one hand, I am jealous that your divorce was as quick as it was; on the other hand, I needed to detach in stages. Also, if I'd settled this four months in, I wouldn't have known what I now know regarding my financial future.
Still, I admire the hell out of you. I was in a 10-year marriage. It's been very very hard. I admire the strength you showed in telling yourself enough is enough.
Congratulations. And seeing as my moniker is Too Many Dogs, I fully support your being an old man with a Golden.
TMD

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Speck,

As I have found out, some relationships can’t or shouldn’t be held together.  As I am also finding out, it takes discipline and determination to get through the detachment process.  It sounds as if you are doing it well.

Kudos on continuing to be a dad to SD. 

I just wanted to chime in and offer my support.  Wishing you all the best.

Mustbe

[Speck]

Oz... .

Thank you so much for taking time to stop in to lift my spirits. Now it's my turn:

There's a lot of unknowns coming my way but I'll take them over getting rung through the coals again.

Man, I really feel for you. Detaching and moving on is such a complicated thing. For me, the pain of staying became worse than the pain of letting go. I really like Mutt's footnote: "Let go or be dragged." Regardless, we'll be here every step of the way, no matter which way the wind blows for you. Hang in there, buddy. Or, let go. Either way, we're here.

Glad to hear you made it to the other side, enjoy your well-earned freedom!

 Why do I feel like it's a hollow victory? I won something... .oh, right! Me! Yeah, I'll take it. 


-Speck

[Speck]

TMD!

Thank you for all your kind words:

Still, I admire the hell out of you. I was in a 10-year marriage. It's been very very hard. I admire the strength you showed in telling yourself enough is enough.

Thank you. A little backstory may help put this all into perspective: The third time she walked out on me (two years ago), I cried like a baby and mourned hard for four solid months. I was a mess. I went from 188# to 131# in less than three months! She then recycled me, most likely on a whim. She talked me into sending our daughter to an expensive boarding school for 11-12 grades, and then immediately entered an advanced degree of her own. For two years there was no working on our marriage on her end whatsoever. Nope, she was in school. She left me this last time, TWO days after finishing her advanced degree. The whole reconciliation was financially calculated. Yes, and absolutely, enough is enough.

Congratulations. And seeing as my moniker is Too Many Dogs, I fully support your being an old man with a Golden.

Ha! I may have Too Many Goldens one day. 


-Speck

[Speck]

Dear, Mustbe:

Thank you for your kind support. Step by step, we heal, right?

As I have found out, some relationships can’t or shouldn’t be held together.  As I am also finding out, it takes discipline and determination to get through the detachment process.  It sounds as if you are doing it well.

Well, if it weren't for the kindness of strangers, I'd be less for it for sure. It does take a certain mindfulness to walk away from painful things. Most lesser animals have us beat there.

Kudos on continuing to be a dad to SD.

Thank you so much. She's worth all my effort. I'm just trying to get her to adulthood mostly unscathed.

I really appreciate your thoughtful points, Mustbe. Thank you.


-Speck