My Ex left me again and I'm Suicidal

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, I'm forcing myself to eat and eat quite healthy also forcing exercise to keep my blood and endorphins moving. I'm still crying as soon as I return to the house with physical and mental exhaustion. Each day brings some new pain, I meditate, do some yoga moves and say mantras like "you are worthy of good things" although I believe this it doesn't take away the emptiness I'm feeling.

[Melvins5000]

Hi, I'm forcing myself to eat and eat quite healthy also forcing exercise to keep my blood and endorphins moving. I'm still crying as soon as I return to the house with physical and mental exhaustion. Each day brings some new pain, I meditate, do some yoga moves and say mantras like "you are worthy of good things" although I believe this it doesn't take away the emptiness I'm feeling.

[Harley Quinn]

Melvins, I'm in the UK too.  My referral to the specialist psychotherapy service was put in a year ago and I've got the appointment for next month which came through today.  What service are you being referred to?  I'd advise you to speak to the crisis team tomorrow about upon discharge being provided support from the community mental health team in your area.  After 2 inpatient spells within a year due to suicidal thoughts, be clear that you require some support.  They may provide a home based service who could work with you in the immediate future.  

If you're paying for counselling then it is important to ensure you're able to speak to someone who can understand what you're going through.  How helpful are you finding it?  :)o you have a crisis management plan in place?  What steps would you normally take if you feel unsafe?

I'm still trying to reconcile with my ex, but in my heart I know it's a major mistake... .

... .Every time I see her it brings everything to the fore... .

... .She wants to be friends, but obviously I can't do that

 

Going through what you are is really painful    I can't imagine how hard it must be to see her.  How often does this happen? 

I agree that it's really important to get some rest, so every way you can be kind to yourself and relieve the cause of your sleeplessness naturally will be a bonus.  It's great to hear that you're taking the steps you are.  It's really positive that you are trying to help yourself and that you're reaching out for support.   

Love and light x

[Melvins5000]

Harley Quinn

I see her up to six times a week for dropping off and picking up my boy - it's really tough.

I've been referred to CMHT 3 times, this time was successful - I'm hoping so much it helps me. I don't want to leave my boy, he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and never knew I could love anyone so much. The pain of having to see my ex and not having people to share fun with him is excruciating, it's so lonely. He catches me crying and starts to cry because he feels so helpless, it's heartbreaking, I don't want him to feed off my depression.

[Harley Quinn]

Yes that does sound really tough.  What are the arrangements between you for care of your son?  How old is he?  I have a little boy who has just turned 4.  It is really hard trying to hold it together for their sakes.  It's OK to feel sad sometimes.  Kids get that.  I can understand you not wanting it to be a regular thing though.  Have you had a medication review for your depression whilst an inpatient? 

Love and light x 

[Panda39]

I don't want to leave my boy, he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and never knew I could love anyone so much.

Hi Melvins,

As a parent I can't agree with you more  

Panda39

[Melvins5000]

He is also 4, I have him when I possibly can, hopefully tomorrow - he's such an amazing boy. The prescribing psychiatrist is away on holiday, I was so hesitant to take anything after a terrible experience last year on Citalapram, they tripled my anxiety. I'm so afraid of starting any other medication now, I'm not even two weeks in currently though.

[Speck]

Melvins5000:

It sounds like you are doing your best to take care of yourself, and that is the key thing right now.

You were talking earlier about needing to sleep. Have you lain down horizontally in order to take care of this very important physical requirement? We will be here when you get up.

Scout's honor!


-Speck

[Melvins5000]

I've taken some herbs sleepy tea and am trying to switch off, thankyou again - Im hoping sleep comes tonight.

[spero]

Hope you would get some sleep tonight, Melvins5000

takecare! and do keep us posted on what happens tomorrow with your review.

Spero.

[Harley Quinn]

Altogether I've been on 4 different antidepressants and am just changing to a fifth.  These types of drugs work better for some people than others and it can be a matter of trialling them for a month or two to see how they are once properly in your system.  None of the SSRI/SNRI's that I've tried have been awful, however some have worked better than others and the side effects have been varied.  You are worth putting the effort into.  Short term trials for long term gain.  It's almost 10 here and if you're having your son tomorrow, it would be good to have some energy then you can enjoy having fun with him.  They are brilliant, aren't they?  

Do you think you could do some breathing exercises in bed?  What I find works for me when my mind is racing is mindfulness meditation.  A body scan in bed knocks me out.  What do you think?

Love and light x

[Melvins5000]

Hi, I had some sleep with herbal teas, magnesium l threonate capsules and yoga nidra, which is yogic sleep. I feel a little more rested but still a nervous wreck, my breathing becomes restricted when I'm stressed, keep reminding myself to breath, it's become a natural emotional response to any kind of issue, small or big currently.

[Harley Quinn]

Great news that you had some sleep.    When you find what works, stick with it and build upon that.  How are you feeling today?  Any plans with your son?  What do you enjoy doing together?

Love and light x

[Melvins5000]

Hi, I'm still extremely raw and my nerves are extremely bad, also still very very tired. I'm still going over the past, all the double standards, all the male interactions she had and denied me of any friends, receiving presents from men etc.

My son likes to be outdoors, I take him out whenever I can - motivation is at an all time low currently though. Planned to do an egg hunt tonight as I'm still managing to hold onto my support worker job and am working Sunday. He's very tactile and loves using his hands, maybe we could make some Easter cakes?

[Melvins5000]

In a bad way, I sent you a private message.

[Speck]

Melvins5000,

I'm glad to hear that you found some sleep!

I hope you have a sweet, loving, and wonderful day with your son. Easter cakes, may just be the trick to take your mind off heavier things.

We're here if you need us.


-Speck

[Panda39]

I just wanted to check in with you too  

I'm glad you got some rest that will help.    You mentioned you were still tired, do you think it's lack of sleep or depression or the double whammy of both?  I found depression could really sap my energy.   

You might try a walk outside gets those endorphins up, gets your energy up, and might help with sleep when you're back at bedtime.

So I'm an American with a sweet tooth we do Easter Eggs and Candy... .inquiring minds want to know what is an Easter Cake?  Just a regular cake on Easter or is it a special cake with special ingredients just for Easter?

Take Care, 
Panda39

[Melvins5000]

I will be cycling home from work shortly, hopefully that will help tire me - get my endorphins going also.

There is no real easter cake recipe, I was thinking of picking up some little eggs or chicks to put on some cupcakes. There is actually Simnell cake, not sure if it's spelled this way, it's got marzipan on it.

I'm really worried I don't make it, I'm sure my ex has someone else already, that's what sent me over the edge last year.

[In a bad way]

In a bad way, I sent you a private message.

I've just sent you a reply.

[Speck]

Hi, Melvins5000:

How are you feeling today? Did you make the Easter cake with your son?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[Melvins5000]

Hi, I'm still really suffering with dark thoughts and self negativity - can't get past feeling expendable.

[spero]

Hi, I'm still really suffering with dark thoughts and self negativity - can't get past feeling expendable.

Hey there Melvins5000.

How are you feeling right now? If you'd like, maybe you can share what these dark thoughts are?

We're here to listen.

Spero

[Melvins5000]

Yes I don't mind sharing, I'm still thinking daily about ending my life I can't summon any positivity and lack sleep is making it hard to be motivated. My son is the reason I'm still here, but every day is a real trial. I'm still in love with my ex or obsessed with her fixing my pain. I'm exhausted and considering a life of loneliness and/or depression is too hard.

[heartandwhole]

Yes I don't mind sharing, I'm still thinking daily about ending my life I can't summon any positivity and lack sleep is making it hard to be motivated. My son is the reason I'm still here, but every day is a real trial. I'm still in love with my ex or obsessed with her fixing my pain. I'm exhausted and considering a life of loneliness and/or depression is too hard.

Hi Melvins5000,

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so low. I can relate to thinking about not wanting to live anymore. Many of us have been there, and when in that frame of mind, it can feel like nothing will change or get better. That was my experience. In fact, I didn't care if anything got better. I didn't care much about anything.

If you had told me after my breakup that things would improve for me, I wouldn't have believed it. I was shocked when I started to feel better, when I started to laugh and feel joy again. It happened. And I never thought it would.

Just wanted to share that with you. You have every right to your feelings. I hope you'll remember that they do change. 

heartandwhole

[spero]

Yes I don't mind sharing, I'm still thinking daily about ending my life I can't summon any positivity and lack sleep is making it hard to be motivated. My son is the reason I'm still here, but every day is a real trial. I'm still in love with my ex or obsessed with her fixing my pain. I'm exhausted and considering a life of loneliness and/or depression is too hard

Hey there Melvins5000,

Im sorry you are in a really bad place. It must really be tough to find meaning and purpose while wanting to have your pain taken away. How much sleep were you able to catch last night? Right now i do agree that the lack of sleep seems to be the most basic and fundamental need that has to be addressed.

Sorry i've not been up to speed with things, how did the review with the crisis team go? Any updates on that?

Spero

[Melvins5000]

Heartandsoul thankyou for sharing your story, it's actually very helpful - although I'm aware that being so low tricks the mind into thinking mostly negatively, it's very easy not to see a positive future. I'm quite numb and despondent to most things right now, as you said - although I care emmensly about people, I still feel slightly empty.

Spero - the crisis team are still seeing me once a week I think, was expecting a call from them today to arrange another visit, but still no call.
They aren't brilliant regarding continuity in care and helping with new coping techniques, I feel I've exhausted a lot of my own.

I know depression is exhausting, I'm no stranger to it, but today I'm particularly lethargic and worry it's a start to a new level of fatigue.

[spero]

Hey there Melvins5000,

Its good to hear from you again. Did you manage to step out of the house today? I'm glad the crisis team is still reaching out to you. How does each session go? Do they pay you a visit, or you'd have to head down to a local support centre to have your case attended to? What action plan have they recommended to perhaps help you cope better with in your current state?

I'm sorry to hear that it isn't quite working out for you with the team despite your best effort so have them follow up with you.
I'm not sure about your current state, but when i was depressed, i remember my appetite and sugar levels were rather low, have you had something to eat? or some glucose to drink? It know it is difficult where you are right now, but if you've not eaten anything the entire day, please at least grab a piece of toast and a sweet drink alright?

I am not familiar with the UK mental health care system. But it must feel discouraging to see improvements even though you are trying hard. The constant "trying" would also probably wear you out further. Is there anything you could do to escalate your queue to see a therapist, especially when you've mentioned that you were having suicidal thoughts lately?

Spero

[Melvins5000]

The last person I saw within the crisis team mentioned the possibility of psychiatric therapy being on the cards with their unit - but he didn't want me to get my hopes up, that's just the issue, I've been promised things before by them which never came to fruition. The lack of continuity is slightly disconcerting and the empty promises are really frustrating.

I'm still eating ok, I'm forcing healthy meals mostly, my appetite is nowhere near as good as usual and eating is very much a function, not pleasure and I occasionally forget to eat if my routine slips.

I really do appreciate your advice and help, it's hard to show how much whilst I'm fighting with this negativity.

[Speck]

Melvin,

Hello, friend. Even if you cannot imagine this depression ever lifting, just trust that, someday, it will.

For now, just focus on doing what works to soothe and restore you on a daily basis: Adequate rest, proper nutrition, daily hygiene, intentional exercise. Sometimes just sitting out on the porch in the sunshine can really lift the spirit for a while. However, I see that you're in Britain, so I don't know how much sunshine you'll see today, but hopefully, you get my point.

Hang in there, bud. We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[Foursome]

Melvin,

I sure hate to hear that you in such a state.  I pray that one day soon the cloud will lift and the sun will shine through again.

This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with also.  It can be debilitating at time.

These boards have been a great help for me personally.  I hope you and I both are able to come back here many months or years down the road and reflect on our complete recovery and give hope to the many that unfortunately will be suffering at that time.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Melvin,

Just wanted to chime in and send support as well!

I've had some very dark days recently and it's only my rational mind plus some of the DBT skills I've picked up that have been able to keep me going minute to minute. I'm so sorry you feel so awful, and as many have said, we can relate here. I have faith in not feeling like this forever for myself and have that faith for you, too.

Wishing you lots of strength, even if it's just to get you through the motions for now.

-Lighthouse