Will this loop ever end? When is enough really enough?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been with my SO for a long time now. It's been 26 years. A lifetime. At first it was great. The honeymoon phase. Intense. I felt that he was different. More attentive than others. Made you feel special. Friends would comment on how much he cared for me. How spontaneous. How romantic. I got caught up in it all.

Moved in together after 10 months. Were inseparable anyway. Living the dream. Couldn't possibly be any happier with anyone else.So what was the harm?

How wrong could I be? Totally! Within 3 months the cracks started to appear. I had never met his family until after we moved in. I guess he wanted to give the idea that they had a normal relationship and dynamic. Mother was bizarre. Stepfather was an absolute creep. My SO seemed to pander to her. She was very rude to me and acted like I was never going to be good enough for her son. She definitely wanted to make me feel uncomfortable.

4 months in. Arguments started. He would scream. Freak out. Accusing me of all sorts of things. Once he even got a knife and started jabbing it into the wall beside my head. I wouldn't fight. Would get upset. Beg him to stop acting the way he did. He would accuse me of starting it. Said I was screaming at him. He couldn't handle it because that's what his mother would do to him when he was younger. He started saying that I was trying to trap him and control him. Although he was the one who had said about moving in together. Not me. Sometimes he would stay out all night when I was working night shift. Not coming home til the following afternoon. Although I wasn't to mention it because I had no right and I was a control freak. Then he would sulk for ages. He angry and bitter. Blame me for everything. Then he would change and be like his old self. Like the complete idiot that I am I would be consoled. It was like I was brainwashed into believing that he wasn't that other person. He was the person that I had fallen in love with. And I would continue in that stupor, round and round in circles.
Three years later we got married. A year later we had our first child. In that time he eventually told me that he had been physica!ly, mentally, verbally and psychologically abused by his mother. He felt abandoned by her as a child. He still had very real abandonment issues. He was terrified I would leave him. It still didn't stop him from pushing and pulling. Acting out. Blaming. Anger issues. Rages. Binge eating. Reckless driving. Impulsive behaviours. But as I said I'm an idiot. You love him. You stay with him. You can help him. Things will get better. Tried to understand how he must feel. Didn't want to abandon him like his mother. I had issues with my own mother. She had narcissistic qualities.( Some will say that was why I was drawn to him. Or why he honed in on me.) But his mother was the Narcisstic Queen. So the rollercoaster fiasco that is our lives continues year on year. Two more children. I've had severe postnatal depression. He is still in denial.  

He has violent outbursts. It has gotten physical. I now don't have contact with family members. Rarely see friends. Don't go out socially. Am socially awkward. Had never been like that before. Was a party girl. Always going to clubs, parties and such before meeting him. No where to go. Three young children. Felt stuck and alone. I had made my own bed so I had to lie in it. All the while he is either idolising or demonising.

Fast forward to 5 years ago.  He has completely spiralled out of control. He finally admits he was sexually abused by a member of his mother's family for 3 years as a young child. We discover that he has BPD. He self  harms. Suicide attempts. He feels that counselling makes him worse. He doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to deal with anything. His behaviour was extremely difficult for all of us for the next 3 years.  Eventually I couldn't take anymore and attempted an overdose. I think it frightened him in a way. That maybe I would abandon him by being dead.

His behaviour has improved  a bit but when he does slip I feel that I have absolutely no tolerance left. I just feel so angry towards him. I feel very angry at myself. I think what have I done? Why have I stayed? What example have I set to my children? Will this loop ever break? Am I crazy?

[Damaged92]

I have been with my SO for a long time now. It's been 26 years. A lifetime. At first it was great. The honeymoon phase. Intense. I felt that he was different. More attentive than others. Made you feel special. Friends would comment on how much he cared for me. How spontaneous. How romantic. I got caught up in it all.

Moved in together after 10 months. Were inseparable anyway. Living the dream. Couldn't possibly be any happier with anyone else.So what was the harm?

How wrong could I be? Totally! Within 3 months the cracks started to appear. I had never met his family until after we moved in. I guess he wanted to give the idea that they had a normal relationship and dynamic. Mother was bizarre. Stepfather was an absolute creep. My SO seemed to pander to her. She was very rude to me and acted like I was never going to be good enough for her son. She definitely wanted to make me feel uncomfortable.

4 months in. Arguments started. He would scream. Freak out. Accusing me of all sorts of things. Once he even got a knife and started jabbing it into the wall beside my head. I wouldn't fight. Would get upset. Beg him to stop acting the way he did. He would accuse me of starting it. Said I was screaming at him. He couldn't handle it because that's what his mother would do to him when he was younger. He started saying that I was trying to trap him and control him. Although he was the one who had said about moving in together. Not me. Sometimes he would stay out all night when I was working night shift. Not coming home til the following afternoon. Although I wasn't to mention it because I had no right and I was a control freak. Then he would sulk for ages. He angry and bitter. Blame me for everything. Then he would change and be like his old self. Like the complete idiot that I am I would be consoled. It was like I was brainwashed into believing that he wasn't that other person. He was the person that I had fallen in love with. And I would continue in that stupor, round and round in circles.
Three years later we got married. A year later we had our first child. In that time he eventually told me that he had been physica!ly, mentally, verbally and psychologically abused by his mother. He felt abandoned by her as a child. He still had very real abandonment issues. He was terrified I would leave him. It still didn't stop him from pushing and pulling. Acting out. Blaming. Anger issues. Rages. Binge eating. Reckless driving. Impulsive behaviours. But as I said I'm an idiot. You love him. You stay with him. You can help him. Things will get better. Tried to understand how he must feel. Didn't want to abandon him like his mother. I had issues with my own mother. She had narcissistic qualities.( Some will say that was why I was drawn to him. Or why he honed in on me.) But his mother was the Narcisstic Queen. So the rollercoaster fiasco that is our lives continues year on year. Two more children. I've had severe postnatal depression. He is still in denial.  

He has violent outbursts. It has gotten physical. I now don't have contact with family members. Rarely see friends. Don't go out socially. Am socially awkward. Had never been like that before. Was a party girl. Always going to clubs, parties and such before meeting him. No where to go. Three young children. Felt stuck and alone. I had made my own bed so I had to lie in it. All the while he is either idolising or demonising.

Fast forward to 5 years ago.  He has completely spiralled out of control. He finally admits he was sexually abused by a member of his mother's family for 3 years as a young child. We discover that he has BPD. He self  harms. Suicide attempts. He feels that counselling makes him worse. He doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to deal with anything. His behaviour was extremely difficult for all of us for the next 3 years.  Eventually I couldn't take anymore and attempted an overdose. I think it frightened him in a way. That maybe I would abandon him by being dead.

His behaviour has improved  a bit but when he does slip I feel that I have absolutely no tolerance left. I just feel so angry towards him. I feel very angry at myself. I think what have I done? Why have I stayed? What example have I set to my children? Will this loop ever break? Am I crazy?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Damaged92]

It has been difficult to write this post. Took me days to build up the courage after reading other posts. I would appreciate any advice, insights or words of wisdom.
Thanks

[Mutt]

Hi Damaged92,

It takes courage to share true and honest feelings I assure that you won’t be invalidated or judged here you’re not alone. I could read the distress getting worse in your words as the years wore on. I completely understand how we tend to avoid family and friends because it might trigger our SO, you’re constantly walking on eggshells and if you don’t talk to them tantrum averted.

How old are the kids? How is he like with them? Do you talk to family and friend today?

[Damaged92]

Hi Mutt,
My children are all adults now. I can't believe that they are well balanced, intelligent, gentle people. They are all at university and they all have a good relationship with each other and with me. However it is difficult with their dad. He is not close with them. He says he found it hard to bond with them because he believed it be was close with them then others would question his motives. This harks back to him being sexually abused as a child. They also find it difficult to deal with his splitting and angry outbursts. They love him they say but they find it hard to understand him.
I do not have any contact with any family. Those ties were severed long ago. Both parents are dead. No one could understand what we were going through and I don't think they cared enough anyway.
Don't see friends socially. I find it awkward in social settings. Have lost a lot of confidence. Also he says he would like me to go out more. But if I do he accuses me of cheating. Checks my phone etc. So life at the moment pretty much sucks. I don't know what the future holds. It is a difficult situation to escape from. I love him and don't at the same time.
Thanks for taking the time to care

[Radcliff]

Damaged92,

I just came across your post.  It must have taken tremendous courage to write it.  I can related to being in a decades long marriage that includes abuse.  Congratulations on taking a huge step and reaching out for support.  This is an amazing place.  Change is possible.  It took you years to get where you are, so things won't improve over night, but they can improve.  You can get to a better place.  My most important advice is to become a regular on this board.  Get to know the other members.  Read their posts and support them.  This is an easy place to find support.  No judgement, we don't have to get dressed up, and we can come here any time of the day or night to talk to people who understand.

There is a lot to talk about.  But let's start with safety first.  You said over the course of your marriage there has been physical abuse.  How are things now?  Do you feel physically safe?

Tell us a little about your situation.  Does he work?  Do you work outside the home?  Are there any fun activities you'd like to start up for yourself if you could do it without conflict?

Stick with us.  We are glad you are here.  Things can get better! 

WW