Trying to understand and reclaim my sense of self

[kd723]

A highly functioning BP has recently ended a relationship with me that has been very challenging and left me questioning everything about myself. I have spent the last two years "walking on eggshells", putting aside and ignoring (not processing) altercations where terrible, destructive things were said. I felt so helpless and lost that I started therapy BEFORE the relationship ended. I want to a) heal myself and b) have a better understanding of what my ex is going through, is feeling. He believes everything is my fault and I am carrying this weight fully. The hardest part is, I still love him and wish only to get back together. Is this normal?

[Rinzler]

What he is going through is basically delusion and psychopathy.  Concern yourself more with you if you have had two years with this person then they very likely have brought u to the edge of insanity. And you should do all you can to preserve it.  If they ended it with you then another prospect to fill your shoes was taken and this was done on your time w him.  They are malicious in their operations and end results do not let the medical labels fool you they will break you over time.

Fall back on family and support and read the links in here.
Write down every ridiculous fight you have had on a piece of paper and reference it daily.
Be strong and do not contact them unless it is to insult them or manipulate them into jealousy so they can in turn show explode and devulge what there current prospects are or they've been planning to be.  That may give you enough closure to truly go on no contact and bar this person from your life once and for all.  If you do not have any illnesses of this kind or it is not in your family tree... .and you want a family of your own... .you would be introduce those genes into your children and a lifetime of being jagoffs.

[Speck]

Welcome, kd723!



Let me welcome you here to bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. It helps to know that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

The hardest part is, I still love him and wish only to get back together. Is this normal?

Yes, absolutely. It is extremely difficult to detach from someone who suffers from BPD as the level of enmeshment involved such a relationship is more entangled than a relationship between a Non and a Non. I am so sorry you are left feeling like this, however, I'm glad to hear that you have reached out for counseling, as that will be key to your healing. Another positive thing that you have done for yourself is reached out to us. Believe me when I say this: We understand.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take good care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Turkish]

Hi kd723,

I'd like to join Speck in welcoming you here. 

The hardest part is, I still love him and wish only to get back together. Is this normal?

After going through a whole lot of drama,  and my ex's remarriage,  she wanted to come back 4 years later.  I actually entertained the thought... .

Being so fresh,  yes,  this is normal.  A lot of members here have felt or feel the same. You are close to the hurt and emotions are high.  Having been there,  I totally understand. Love isn't just disconnected so easily, even given high conflict.

A pwBPD at their core operates on the feeling that their feelings are invalid. Even deeper,  that they are invalid and worthless as people.  In other words,  deep shame.  They tend to cope by Projection, blame shifting, and other dysfunctional behaviors.

Do you still communicate,  and is there any indication on his side of he wants to talk without 100% blaming you?

You may get better member support on the Bettering Board of there is a sliver of hope here to try. 

Turkish

[Harley Quinn]

Hi kd723,

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you.  You've definitely come to the right place.  It is very hard to process things after a breakup with a BPD sufferer, and whilst we can begin to understand the reasons for the behaviour, the wounds still remain from the damaging things that are said and done.  Yet we still love our ex partner and long for them.  You are in good company here.  We are all in various stages of healing and as you'll see, there are many emotions that can arise in the process.     

We can help you as you work through these things and there is a great deal of reliable information here in the articles and lessons to the right of the page.  I'd encourage you to take a good look around and to involve yourself in other discussions as there is much to learn and benefit from in doing so. 

How long ago did the r/s end and what were the circumstances around that? Maybe you could share a little more of your story with us.  Is your ex diagnosed?

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

A highly functioning BP has recently ended a relationship with me that has been very challenging and left me questioning everything about myself. I have spent the last two years "walking on eggshells", putting aside and ignoring (not processing) altercations where terrible, destructive things were said. I felt so helpless and lost that I started therapy BEFORE the relationship ended. I want to a) heal myself and b) have a better understanding of what my ex is going through, is feeling. He believes everything is my fault and I am carrying this weight fully. The hardest part is, I still love him and wish only to get back together. Is this normal?

I think it is easy for me to answer the "is this normal" part and say (based on what you have said about walking on eggshells for 2 years and the destructive behaviour).

Id say for the most part, most people dont want to feel that way in a normal relationship, they want to feel appreciated, happy and enjoy their lives.

I can understand still feeling 'love' for him, in the sense that I did 'feel' love for my ex to the point where I did the same as you, I very much overlooked what she did that was hurtful, because it was too painful to deal with at the time.

What this did in the long term was to weaken me down emotionally as well as physically and mentally over time. What kept me with her is that punctuated in the low moments was a polar reversal of her behaviour, and I was back (momentarily) with that person I loved in the first place.

It was like you got a glimpse of hope that maybe things are getting better, sadly it was only there to keep me hooked in and things always returned to a very toxic and unhealthy continuation of the abuse. In the long term, her behaviour got worse as she realised that i allowed what other (healthy and assertive) people would regard as major boundaries being crossed and it seemed I was appeasing her, it was her signal to keep pushing further until I finally had to decide whether i loved this person enough that I would let them crush all sense of my own self esteem and eventually sanity by going along with the game she played.

i think i allowed it because of having a rescuer personality part of my persona, as well as not wanting to be too quick to lose someone I had felt so strongly for. Her having a BPD diagnosis gave me also an unhelpful excuse for allowing her to behave the way she did.

My best progress comes as I focus far less on her, her condition, what she did or didnt do in the relationship and instead have focused on myself, my own importance of my health and happiness and with this more answers have came as to why I allowed this to happen, rather than to think someone else had such control. I

t has been far harder in this goal of "reclaiming my sense of self" because it involves confronting maybe some unpleasant things about myself and accepting that whilst there are many things i felt i did really well, there are others that have caused me to put up with someone that if I were to meet them now I would have done things far differently.

All that reflection isnt easy and takes time. i only managed it by complete detachment from her. This may or may not be the same answer for you.

[MeandThee29]

A highly functioning BP has recently ended a relationship with me that has been very challenging and left me questioning everything about myself. I have spent the last two years "walking on eggshells", putting aside and ignoring (not processing) altercations where terrible, destructive things were said. I felt so helpless and lost that I started therapy BEFORE the relationship ended. I want to a) heal myself and b) have a better understanding of what my ex is going through, is feeling. He believes everything is my fault and I am carrying this weight fully. The hardest part is, I still love him and wish only to get back together. Is this normal?

I could have written this post. My was a marriage of 25 years. I was in therapy for several years before it ended and did weekly for six months afterwards. I still pray for a miracle, but I know that reconciliation is highly unlikely.

You need someone to work with you on the realities of a BPD relationship. Of course there were times you failed your partner, but it's likely you could not have done anything long-term to save it. Apart from BPD, when ever a partner blames, it isn't good.

In my case, it has been hard to even imagine life without him, and rebuilding my middle-aged self has been tough.

It is getting better, bit-by-bit.

[Foursome]

KD

I too wish to understand better what they feel and how things effect them but only in a sense to make myself better.

I will spend not one more second of my very valuable life worrying about how my ex is or if she is better.

I just believe the insight of how they feel and operate helps in the healing process.

[MeandThee29]

I too wish to understand better what they feel and how things effect them but only in a sense to make myself better.

I will spend not one more second of my very valuable life worrying about how my ex is or if she is better.

I just believe the insight of how they feel and operate helps in the healing process.

I do think it helps.

Before the label, I didn't grasp how my pwBPD's feelings of abandonment drove so many of our conflicts (and still does even during separation). He wanted someone totally focused on him with few distractions. I see now how having children was an issue for him. He still talks about how I put their needs first even into young adulthood. He didn't like me going to the gym with them, doing their laundry when they had exams, putting aside a plate of food when they were at work in the evening, etc. That was enmeshment in his eyes. Really? One of his relatives commented that he had set me up as an idol that was doomed to fail.

This helped me see that I never did and never will please him. We recently had a phone conversation where he outlined again what a poor wife I was. Yup, the old discard. My therapist has advised me to let him rant to some extent because I'm still financially dependent on him, so I did. But it didn't bother me like it once did, and I cut it short and went on with my life. I didn't feel shamed. In a way, the discard is good because he leaves me alone.

[Cromwell]

I do think it helps.

Before the label, I didn't grasp how my pwBPD's feelings of abandonment drove so many of our conflicts (and still does even during separation). He wanted someone totally focused on him with few distractions. I see now how having children was an issue for him. He still talks about how I put their needs first even into young adulthood. He didn't like me going to the gym with them, doing their laundry when they had exams, putting aside a plate of food when they were at work in the evening, etc. That was enmeshment in his eyes. Really? One of his relatives commented that he had set me up as an idol that was doomed to fail.

This helped me see that I never did and never will please him. We recently had a phone conversation where he outlined again what a poor wife I was. Yup, the old discard. My therapist has advised me to let him rant to some extent because I'm still financially dependent on him, so I did. But it didn't bother me like it once did, and I cut it short and went on with my life. I didn't feel shamed. In a way, the discard is good because he leaves me alone.

Sounds a lot to me like he had mother issues growing up and maybe replayed a sense of abandoment he had with his to watching how you did provide the normal affection to your kids that he never received himself. it seems pathetic that a grown man might feel that way, but understandable for someone who didnt get the type of bond of security early in life that he should have.

[Speck]

Hello, kd723!

How are things going for you?

We are here if you need to talk.


-Speck