I am feeling so alone and so angry

[ClingToHope]

My partner has not been diagnosed and isn’t even aware that I’m certain he has BPD
Besides the ranting and the insults and paranoia it’s the 
The two faced stuff that is wearing on me right now and making me boil inside.
He puts on such a nice and pleasant demeanour to everyone else and the behind the scenes I get criticized for allowing stuff to take place that I put right asked him if it would be ok (tonight for eg my daughter to use our tub) he says sure. I ask are you sure or are you wanting to go up to bed
He says no I’ll go after it’s fine (in a somewhat pleasant voice)
Then I get texts after it’s all done and he goes upstairs complaining I allowed her to invade his space.  Wtf? And that I never consider his feelings

It goes on like that all day long.
And the tone and attitude when he’s not picking

Gah
It’s all subtle stuff
I can’t even address it because I don’t even have the right words to convey why it makes me feel horrible to someone with out BPD let alone him, he always maintains it’s him who is wronged ect and has a long list of my or my kids offences
And if I try to mention something he’s said that hurt me he tells me I’m crazy

I don’t know how I’m going to make it to May ( his psych evaluation is the)
I’m not even sure he will be receptive to therapy
And I’m pretty sure I’m setting myself up for disappointment because I know I’m telling myself I just have to make it to May but I know that will just be the begging of a whole different ball game and will prob get worse before it gets better. If it ever does

I may just have to bite the bullet and talk to him this weekend regardless what the doc recommends.
Sigh
So frigging tired

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

I don’t know how I’m going to make it to May ( his psych evaluation is the)
I’m not even sure he will be receptive to therapy
And I’m pretty sure I’m setting myself up for disappointment because I know I’m telling myself I just have to make it to May but I know that will just be the begging of a whole different ball game and will prob get worse before it gets better. If it ever does

I may just have to bite the bullet and talk to him this weekend regardless what the doc recommends.
Sigh
So frigging tired

Hi ClingToHope,

I understand the pain of waiting for medical appointments, and it getting worse before it gets better! You are not alone!

Even when things “improve” it is hard to trust the “good”, hard to know what is real. What makes you happy aside from this part of your life? (the relationship)

warmly, pearl.

[Radcliff]

ClingToHope,

I'm sorry you're so worn out by this.  It can be absolutely exhausting.  Are things relatively consistent, or do they get better and worse?  How did the psych eval come about?  Is it something he was looking for, or did something else kick it off?

WW

[ClingToHope]

ClingToHope,

I'm sorry you're so worn out by this.  It can be absolutely exhausting.  Are things relatively consistent, or do they get better and worse?  How did the psych eval come about?  Is it something he was looking for, or did something else kick it off?

WW

Things are worse right now because of the high stress stuff going on at home with my kids. So it has really brought the BPD traits out front and centre.
He had a very erratic episode that scared even him I think and made me take a step back for a night and that scared him even more so he went to the on call doc
Who prescribed him bi polar meds which helped a bit but not quite
A follow up with our family doc meant a medication switch to Effexor (which I’ve since discovered many who are BPD and struggling with depression on top do fairly well with) he’s responded pretty god for that part but the doc suggested an evaluation to dig out what’s going on.
In private she suggested I read up on BPD so I know this is what she suspects.
We have both decided to wait to bring this possibility up to him and see what comes of the assessment.

I think this has created the anger in me that I’m doing so much research and working on being so mindful and he’s oblivious. (Not his fault)
But it’s a waiting game now.
Sigh

[Damaged92]

Cling to hope,
 Your story resonates  a lot with mine. I truly feel for you. I hope that you get what you are looking for. It will not be a smooth ride. Try and stay strong.
D92

[Radcliff]

ClingToHope,

While nothing can immediately help with the exhaustion and frustration you feel, it's great news that you have had contact with medical professionals who are steering you in the right direction. 

I'm sorry, I haven't seen your other threads.  How old are your kids?  What stressful things have been going on lately?  (If you've already gone into this in detail on another thread, feel free to cut and paste a link to save the typing!

WW

[ClingToHope]

ClingToHope,
I'm sorry, I haven't seen your other threads.  How old are your kids?  What stressful things have been going on lately?  (If you've already gone into this in detail on another thread, feel free to cut and paste a link to save the typing!

WW

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322607.0
My story is spread out in the responses as well.
Thanks for asking
I had a bit of a gain today ... .not sure if it will turn into an improvement but at least I felt proactive instead of reactive or inactive
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323363.0

Here is a quick summary I posted on a diff thread as well

My girls are 18 and 16
Oldest was in hospital for suicide ideation just before Xmas (my H had a breakdown then too which I could not make a priority to his disappointment
She is doing better and probably the most level of the three at this point but I have to be vigilant on her sliding back into old habits which lead down a dark hole
My youngest is 16 and has struggled with bouts of anxiety most of her life but in the last year it has exploded. She was the disgruntled teen for most of it so I did not pick up on the seriousness of her struggles a lot was because of the constant presence of my H so she rarely got me alone. Yes we’d have a planned night that she blew off half the time but even to drive her somewhere he would insist on coming along.
I did not realized how pressured I felt to placate him and not ask him to stay back or give us the tv room for some girl time ect.  And thinking back I was pressured to move in together probably before I would have suggested it, another long story.
So my youngest has been feeling like a third wheel for a long time. She was prepared to move to her dads even tho it’s not a good environment to make it “easier on everyone” only person it would be easier for in my H and I need to put her well being above his at the moment.
It’s not fair but necessary. I’ve consulted my doctor before I made this decision
And for the first time I feel like I am making my own solid decision.
Putting her needs as a priority right now is a temporary situation as I get her settled in therapy she is aware of this and things are improving
I should mention that when she first broke much of her anxiety and anger was directed to my H largely cause she was jealous of the attention he was getting. She wanted him out and I explained to her that he is going through his own struggles and asked her if he stayed out of the way could we give the therapy and medication time before we made a decision.
She agreed and has made the best of it and it’s a crappy thing to ask of my H. My preference would have been to stay at a friends for a bit instead of isolating him. He replied that he was worried I  would stop loving him if he didn’t stay near me. ... .sigh
She is handling this more maturely than he is. At least I understand why now but it is really hard not to be angry about it and shield the kids from his tantrums (not putting them in danger) so she doesn’t feel bad for asking for help. And she does feel bad at the compromise I asked if my H and is working very hard to get a handle on her stuff

Ok. That’s a huge rant  I’m sorry. And that is a shortened version sad

[pbnjsandwich]

My partner has not been diagnosed and isn’t even aware that I’m certain he has BPD
Besides the ranting and the insults and paranoia it’s the 
The two faced stuff that is wearing on me right now and making me boil inside.
He puts on such a nice and pleasant demeanour to everyone else and the behind the scenes I get criticized for allowing stuff to take place that I put right asked him if it would be ok (tonight for eg my daughter to use our tub) he says sure. I ask are you sure or are you wanting to go up to bed
He says no I’ll go after it’s fine (in a somewhat pleasant voice)
Then I get texts after it’s all done and he goes upstairs complaining I allowed her to invade his space.  Wtf? And that I never consider his feelings

It goes on like that all day long.
And the tone and attitude when he’s not picking
Whatever you decide, you have support.  You don't need to explain what it's like, we know the fundamentals of BPD. It's exhausting because it's takes a lot of energy. You are an equal part of this relationship (1/2 and 1/2). 
Gah
It’s all subtle stuff
I can’t even address it because I don’t even have the right words to convey why it makes me feel horrible to someone with out BPD let alone him, he always maintains it’s him who is wronged ect and has a long list of my or my kids offences
And if I try to mention something he’s said that hurt me he tells me I’m crazy

I don’t know how I’m going to make it to May ( his psych evaluation is the)
I’m not even sure he will be receptive to therapy
And I’m pretty sure I’m setting myself up for disappointment because I know I’m telling myself I just have to make it to May but I know that will just be the begging of a whole different ball game and will prob get worse before it gets better. If it ever does

I may just have to bite the bullet and talk to him this weekend regardless what the doc recommends.
Sigh
So frigging tired

[Radcliff]

ClingToHope,

I have daughters of similar ages, 17 and 19.  Also a D12.  I can definitely relate to the kids' needs finally pushing me to establish boundaries with my wife.  You are getting ready to launch your daughters into the world and you are right to put their needs ahead of the adults' needs.

Will you have an opportunity to provide input for the psych eval?  Do you know if they will interview you?  How long have you and your husband been together?

WW

[ClingToHope]

ClingToHope,

Will you have an opportunity to provide input for the psych eval?  Do you know if they will interview you?  How long have you and your husband been together?

WW

I haven’t been invited to the first session which is 3 hours but
I really hope I get input because there is a lot that he does that he doesn’t think he does. Like the twisting of events as he interprets them.
Or projecting fault to everything and everyone else
He doesn’t think his stomping around and slamming doors is an issue cause apparently it’s way less than he used to do!  Like that makes it ok ffs

We have been together for about 3 yrs.
officially engaged tho I find it easier to refer to as my H
The whole sickness and in health stuff plays heavily on me, just cause we haven’t signed a paper doesn’t mean I wasn’t all in when I said yes
But I also can’t get into an abusive relationship again. Took a long time to recover from a crappy 4 yr one which I owned up to with my girls and had promised never again and now it’s almost like déjà vue.
I’ve had some very open discussions with them about his condition and about my commitment to them and we are all in agreeance that if he is willing to seek help we will stand by him but if he refuses or only goes through the motions with no effort than I will end the relationship.
When he’s level he’s a wonderful partner and step dad (even my youngest who almost self destructed with anxiety  has settled (drugs and therapy finally kicking in) and supportive of our plan.
That was another proud moment to bring my girls in on this because it has a huge impact on their lives and I feel models compassionate behaviour while maintaining self preservation.
At least I hope that’s the message it’s sending.
It’s also helped that they have both had mental health struggles that I have supported them through and they now get to support another. ... .This will hopefully make us a stronger unit in the end. If not the 4 of us definitely my girls and myself.

How is it going with the boundaries you have established. Are your girls aware of their moms condition?

[Radcliff]

How is it going with the boundaries you have established. Are your girls aware of their moms condition?

Hmm... .I'm not a good success story for early implementation of boundaries.  More like a cautionary tale of what happens when you live in a marriage without boundaries for a very long time.  By the time I found this sight, I was struggling to stop physical abuse against me by my wife as well as some pretty intense controlling behaviors and abuse.  The boundary consequence ended up being a restraining order.  This is my most recent thread, and contains a link at the top to an earlier thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322742.0

I admire how you are balancing compassion with the interests of you and your daughters, and how you are being open with them.  In our case, since my wife is not officially diagnosed, and she is their mother, I need to be very careful not to speak negatively of her.  I expect to have issues with D19 and D17's understanding of the situation that will linger for years, unfortunately.  We are working on getting D12 into therapy, and I'm hoping that the therapist will help D12 make sense out of things in an age appropriate way.

The first part of "Walking on Eggshells" contains a description of the nine diagnostic criteria for BPD, as well as a dozen or so additional traits.  I wrote up three pages describing examples from our life together that fit in a section for each of six of the nine criteria that were relevant to my wife, and also had examples for most of the additional traits.  I gave it to my wife's therapist, who was very receptive (unusually so perhaps).  You might be able to hand such a document to the person evaluating him, or may end up just using it for speaking points in an interview.  Be careful, anything you write down would be very bad for your H to ever see, and not good for your daughters to see either.  If you end up being interviewed, it's best is if it is without your H.  Practice talking about it enough alone where nobody can hear you so that you remember details and are very relaxed and confident.  Let us know if you're given a chance to provide input.  :)o you think you can get your H to support you meeting the therapist?

While a BPD diagnosis can be very helpful for clarity, some therapists are reluctant to diagnose officially since they don't want to make the person have a negative reaction.  The important thing is to get them into DBT therapy.  My wife's therapist didn't diagnose BPD, but put her into DBT therapy, so I was not as concerned about the official diagnosis (that was my personal reaction, I don't know enough to say if it was the best reaction or not).

WW