FOO driving me nuts. Want to beg my wife to take me back.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok - the subject might be a little extreme, but being at home with my FOO while I wait for my apartment to be ready/my stuff to be delivered is driving me insane.

My mom is awesome, but very protective of my dad, who has some really tough narcissistic tendencies. I've set up every possible way to protect myself from him while living in their home but he's totally caught on to me "shutting him out" as he called it tonight.

I've had a really tough couple of days and woke up inspired to take on a DIY project today, and after 2 very fun hours at Home Depot where I *barely* even thought about my wife or the bad stuff going on, I came home to my mom informing that my father is hurt that I didn't invite him to help me with the project.

Of course. The project is now about him. Like everything else.

After trying to dodge around the issue and hold my ground, he finally stormed upstairs and threw some horribly passive aggressive comment at me at which point I called him out on being invalidating. Then he told me all about how I'm shutting him out and what's my problem blah blah blah. Mind you, my dad is basically treating me being home like the best thing that ever happened to him - almost completely ignoring the fact that I'm here because my wife lost her mind and we're headed towards divorce. Minor details I guess. Top it off with the fact that he's so upset that I won't play pool with him. I've tried to just politely say no several times, but now that's turning into a thing, like what's my problem I'm probably just trying to punish him by not playing pool with him. Again, it's all about him.

I don't want to play pool with him because I have this image burned in my memory of my wife and her lover playing in front of me the night I figured things out. I see her flirting with him. Him responding, and looking over his shoulder to see if I was watching. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and filled with rage and sadness watching it all go down in front of me. When I confronted her, she acted like I was nuts, and went as far as to storm into the bathroom where I was trying to cry alone - to yell at me for trying to get her to comfort me by fake crying. Needless to say, it's a traumatic memory. And I don't want to play pool. I wish it was enough to say that.

I wish it was enough to say no to him about the DIY project because he's already sucked the life out of it by turning it into his thing, even after I specifically said "I want this for myself, it's like therapy, and I don't want it to be your thing." All I got from there was how wrong I was and how little I knew about doing this project and how only he could help me. Typical. F-ing typical.

In all of this (and every time he's done something like this since my wife left me) I've joked that I'm going to call her up and beg her to take me back and she can have all the affairs she wants if she just takes me away from here. He treated me differently as a married person and respected my wife (mostly). Now, I'm back to being his prey it feels like.

So, in the world where we all get to learn about the fun work we have to do in the detaching and healing process, I'm sure learning what some of my work is: not running into relationships that might have red flags just to get away from my FOO.

For now, I get to practice all my other fun skills like distraction and validation and SET - on my dad.

I just hate that there's no way out of the drama triangle sometimes without making yourself look like a total A-hole. Every step I take to exit the triangle comes with a barrage of insults or judgments. I'm not much of a drinker, but I've never wanted to just numb the pain so bad in my life - not even with my wife. No wonder things ended up as bad as they did, I have too high of a tolerance for BS.

[lighthouse9]

Ok - the subject might be a little extreme, but being at home with my FOO while I wait for my apartment to be ready/my stuff to be delivered is driving me insane.

My mom is awesome, but very protective of my dad, who has some really tough narcissistic tendencies. I've set up every possible way to protect myself from him while living in their home but he's totally caught on to me "shutting him out" as he called it tonight.

I've had a really tough couple of days and woke up inspired to take on a DIY project today, and after 2 very fun hours at Home Depot where I *barely* even thought about my wife or the bad stuff going on, I came home to my mom informing that my father is hurt that I didn't invite him to help me with the project.

Of course. The project is now about him. Like everything else.

After trying to dodge around the issue and hold my ground, he finally stormed upstairs and threw some horribly passive aggressive comment at me at which point I called him out on being invalidating. Then he told me all about how I'm shutting him out and what's my problem blah blah blah. Mind you, my dad is basically treating me being home like the best thing that ever happened to him - almost completely ignoring the fact that I'm here because my wife lost her mind and we're headed towards divorce. Minor details I guess. Top it off with the fact that he's so upset that I won't play pool with him. I've tried to just politely say no several times, but now that's turning into a thing, like what's my problem I'm probably just trying to punish him by not playing pool with him. Again, it's all about him.

I don't want to play pool with him because I have this image burned in my memory of my wife and her lover playing in front of me the night I figured things out. I see her flirting with him. Him responding, and looking over his shoulder to see if I was watching. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and filled with rage and sadness watching it all go down in front of me. When I confronted her, she acted like I was nuts, and went as far as to storm into the bathroom where I was trying to cry alone - to yell at me for trying to get her to comfort me by fake crying. Needless to say, it's a traumatic memory. And I don't want to play pool. I wish it was enough to say that.

I wish it was enough to say no to him about the DIY project because he's already sucked the life out of it by turning it into his thing, even after I specifically said "I want this for myself, it's like therapy, and I don't want it to be your thing." All I got from there was how wrong I was and how little I knew about doing this project and how only he could help me. Typical. F-ing typical.

In all of this (and every time he's done something like this since my wife left me) I've joked that I'm going to call her up and beg her to take me back and she can have all the affairs she wants if she just takes me away from here. He treated me differently as a married person and respected my wife (mostly). Now, I'm back to being his prey it feels like.

So, in the world where we all get to learn about the fun work we have to do in the detaching and healing process, I'm sure learning what some of my work is: not running into relationships that might have red flags just to get away from my FOO.

For now, I get to practice all my other fun skills like distraction and validation and SET - on my dad.

I just hate that there's no way out of the drama triangle sometimes without making yourself look like a total A-hole. Every step I take to exit the triangle comes with a barrage of insults or judgments. I'm not much of a drinker, but I've never wanted to just numb the pain so bad in my life - not even with my wife. No wonder things ended up as bad as they did, I have too high of a tolerance for BS.

[lighthouse9]

Well that escalated quickly. I'm now sitting in a Starbucks parking lot because I had to exit the house quickly so he would calm down. He's been sitting on a fight he wanted to have all day and when he found the time to have it it got bad real quick. In my face yelling, blocking me from leaving a room. I loaded the diy project that was making him so angry into the car since he claimed it was the catalyst and I left.

I hate this, because normally when this ___ goes down who do I call who understands and cares? My wife.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hey Lighthouse9,  you are having a rough time.  Me too, I’ve been thinking the universe is trying to teach me something and I am darn sure ready to learn it.

Your dad sounds something like my husband.  And I sound like your mom .I can relate to what you are saying.  Good for you for doing a project. 

Is there anyone else you can stay with while you are waiting for your apartment to be ready?

Otherwise, how about a friend you can call.  Maybe not to complain about your situation, but to distract you and have some fun with. 

I am glad you are able to post here and get some support from people who understand.

Good look with the FOO and hopefully your apartment will be ready soon.

Mustbe

[lighthouse9]

Thanks so much for the reply Mustbe!

The universe is definitely in a teaching mood. I just hope I can keep my head and heart open enough to learn it.

I'm back at the house and just went upstairs and told my mom we could all discuss at a later time, but not tonight. I'm too raw tonight. I physically hurt all over after that encounter and feel like I've stayed awake for days, when I'm actually all caught up on sleep. I didn't see my dad, which is probably for the best. My mom said we need to "make peace" (I've been hearing this my whole life) and I just said "ok, not tonight." and went upstairs.

My sister and I talked it out while I was sitting in the parking lot. She just moved out of here and knows exactly what it's like. My dad and I are a little bit different because I'm his only child (my sisters have a different dad) and he tends to project more with me than with the others. I'm his favorite source of supply and it's exhausting. Total walking on eggshells.

I have a ton of work to catch up on so I'm just trying to distract myself for now and remind myself that none of this is ok, that what I feel is valid, and that I'll figure it out, because I always do. I don't think he gets it that what I'm coming out of is traumatic and that this isn't the time to provoke. My sister and I rehearsed what I might say to him when it is time to talk and I think I have a few good lines ready.

Mostly, what I'm feeling is this: I've been betrayed so deeply by someone I trusted so fully, so I'm kind of in a place of wanting to do things for myself and don't have a lot of trust to give out right now. I'm not so far down that I won't ask for help, but there's a big difference between me asking for help and someone forcing themselves on me, into my life, and dictating how things will go.

This is my dad's favorite game - he HAS to be in control and then has to tell you how dumb/wrong/naive you are once he is in control. Thus, no one really likes to play with him. It's super triggering for me because I know I picked this up from him and at times let it out around my wife, then felt sick to my stomach when I realized what I was doing. She had zero boundaries, so it was rarely called out by her and therefore I had to be the one to typically interrupt myself when I knew I was doing it. I've worked very hard to not be like this, and I know what it takes to try and be different, heck to even be aware of it.

With my dad, I'm exercising much better boundaries, but he is trying to fly right through them and trample all over them. We've had countless talks all throughout my life about how inappropriate he is and he's even gone as far to get help before (my mom threatened to leave over his behavior), but he's always right back where he started from when it comes to me. Tonight just wasn't a good night to cross my boundaries, nor was it a good night to scream in my face or block doorways. I'm likely suffering from PTSD with everything that went down (still have it from a past relationship, before this one) and so seeing a raging man inches from my face yelling at me and blocking my ability to escape a room was not my idea of a good time.

The last thing I need right now is someone who makes me feel like my physical safety is in jeopardy. I know he'd never hit me, but that behavior is still terrifying.

I saw some others posting about being triggered pretty easily post break up. Any advice from those who see their trauma surfacing in places that don't involve their ex?

[heartandwhole]

How are things going lighthouse9? It’s been a few days since you last posted.

heartandwhole

[lighthouse9]

Hey heartandwhole,

I'm pretty spent and pretty down right now. I feel like being here has sent me back pretty far in my healing and I've several times debated if it was the right decision to move back here. My early posts mostly revolve around what to do about my living situation, and moving out of state to be closer to my family was the best possible situation in a list of bad situations. The cost of living is slightly lower here, I was able to get a very short term lease to let the dust settle, and I figured getting out of state was going to give me a chance to resist any possible recycles that weren't authentic. (note - there have been no recycle attempts in all of this, or at least not yet, which feels odd)

I know getting out of state was the best solution in a host of bad choices, but it's definitely made me vulnerable to my dad. I'm trying to remind myself that this is my opportunity to really learn what it is I need to learn here. So much of the future my STBXw and I were planning together revolved around moving to this area and raising kids here. We were just starting the family planning process with a doctor moments before she split. This Christmas was the first time I really thought it might be a bad idea to move back here and I told her that, but I had no idea she was going to ask for a divorce in a little over a week. I was already feeling bad about being home before we split up, so it wasn't an easy choice to come back here.

But, here I am. I can't just drop in on her when she returns from training in a few weeks and she can't drop in on me. I know that's for the best.

Despite that, I'm vulnerable to a different threat and it's really tearing me up inside. He's gotten so much worse over the years and having me close is his dream come true. We always level out after a few weeks, which is why I tend to make visits home longer rather than shorter, but as I've gotten older it's been harder to justify a trip home for a few weeks. I'm beginning to realize why we level out: I give up and give in. I become a shell of myself here. Then, I find a woman to pick me back up and show me the love I'm not getting at home. Every. Single. Time.

My wife wasn't exactly that person at first, because I was already well established where I lived and he had less control over me, but she witnessed his abuse when she came home with me and was always there to soothe me after he attacked. I'm still angry at him because of something he said to her two years ago that sent her off on a devaluation spree, which took us a bit to recover from. He's the ultimate black and white thinker and before she realized that she had trouble not doing that herself, she let herself believe him once when he painted me black to her. The crappy thing is that he wouldn't have even remembered the conversation if I would have asked him the next day. I was upset at her for playing into it with him, but she's extremely emotionally vulnerable, he cornered her, played off her own insecurities, and then it was easy enough to believe.

Basically every moment here feels like being tested and the most difficult part has been not reaching out to her to soothe me. I know she'd do it. Heck, it might even rekindle things for us. But that's not what I want. I know that pulling her back in like that is just me playing my own tricky hand in the drama triangle and I want a partner, not a rescuer. I don't want to be a victim. I've survived his crap before and thrived, I've even built a decent relationship with him. I just don't have that kind of energy in me right now and he sets off my every button, and sometimes I feel like he gets something out of setting off my buttons. It took me breaking down and talking to him about PTSD and a bunch of other stuff I didn't want to share with him for him to back off. It's the same dance every time - he goes off and acts inappropriate and will only stop when you tell him how not ok you are, so then he can feel like he's able to take care of "poor you." I just can't do it right now.

I do desire a chance to rekindle things with my STBXw, but I'm not on the bettering board because I know I have to detach from this relationship in order to lead the way to a new one with her. I don't know if she'll ever want that, but while we are apart, I'm doing my work. My work may lead me to not want anything else with her at some point, but right now my work has been about taking care of me and learning as much as I can about how to be the best version of myself. I can't enter any relationship until I do that. He is a HUGE part of my work and I came home pretty beat up, I wasn't quite ready to get to work this fast. Just trying to keep the faith that I can do this, for myself, and for any future I desire.

[heartandwhole]

Geez, lighthouse, I admire your self-awareness. This is certainly a challenging situation to be in, especially right off the heels of such a significant separation.

I can really understand the feeling that going back to one's FOO at a time like this could be a tricky move. I remember after my breakup, when I was visiting my mom and my brother came to visit as well—I was a mess. Triggered by my (our) past, big time. And felt very vulnerable and sensitive to every little perceived slight.

What helped me then was getting out for walks alone. Away from everything and everyone for a while. I also sat outside for hours without engaging with anything. Just let thoughts ramble on in my head while I paid them no attention. I was depressed, but these things helped.

I'm sorry you are feeling down. That is so understandable. What helps you when you feel like this?

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lighthouse9, Sorry to hear that you are struggling.  It's easy to fall back into old patterns with one's FOO.  Maybe you can have a frank discussion with your parents to the effect that you are having a hard time and need space while living there?  I agree with heartandwhole that taking time out to do things on your own, like taking a walk or reading a book, can be helpful.  What activities do you find soothing?  I play guitar in order to decompress.  Fill us in, when you can.

LJ