Mother with uBPD - stage 4 cancer

[wildflower11]

Hello 

I've been reading about BPD over the last few weeks and it has been so cathartic to read through others' experiences and see so much of what I have been dealing with in your stories.

I'm 36, and my mom is 58. She has always been difficult to deal with, starting with her leaving my dad when I was 8, and repeatedly dragging us through her emotional outbursts and outright lies about him. We lived with my Dad and visited her and I remember little about that time, except that I was always a little on edge with her, not knowing what I would experience when I was with her. Happy mom, or dramatic, emotional mom who blamed my dad for everything. It was exhausting and highly inappropriate to share the kinds of things she shared with me.

She has gotten significantly worse with her BPD behaviours in the last 2 years. She was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer about 5 years ago, and was told there was nothing more they could do if she refused chemo/radiation (she is very skeptical of western medicine) and has been on high doses of cannabis oil for her pain ever since. We often wonder if the drugs she is taking have contributed to the decline of her mental health.

She does have a husband, and he has been very good about taking care of her, despite all she has put him through. She is now really devaluing him and threatening to leave him, and has become abusive, throwing things at him and threatening to hurt him "in ways he will never know". She is not really able to live on her own though because of her declining health.

Her tumour continues to grow and we all thought she would have died by now. She has bouts of intense pain about once a month that send her to hospital needing extra morphine or fentanyl, and she takes this as an opportunity to "educate" the doctors and nurses about cannabis oil and how it has "cured her cancer" despite it doubling in size since the doctors said they couldn't operate any more. She had a CT scan at the hospital two weeks ago, and it's still there, pressing on her bowel and bladder (her husband was there with her so I know she isn't lying, which she often does about test results!)

Her husband is seriously considering having the police admit her for 24 hour psychiatric testing. She has enough of a file with the police for this to happen. He needs me to write a letter to the judge outlining what I have observed.

I am conflicted because she really saves her crazy for her husband and my brother and sister. She has been alright with me lately, I have set very firm boundaries with her and am fairly low contact.

It's really starting to affect my mental health. I didn't think we would be dealing with this for so long!

Anyone else out there with a terminally ill BPD parent? How do you reconcile firm boundaries with a desire to help them and be compassionate? I am finding it very difficult as I wonder each time with talk/see each other if its the last time. I know she isn't going to change, but I would like to have our last interactions be as positive as they can be... .and her interactions with my kids too (age 8 and 5).

[Mutt]

Hi wildflower11,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry about your mom. It has to be difficult to watch a loved one go through and communication or mood is a challenge because of BPD. Is she diagnosed with BPD?

I’m glad that you decided to join us. Many of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you’re not alone.

Can you give us some examples of your boundaries with your mom?

[Speck]

Welcome, wildflower11!

 

Just wanted to pop in to join Mutt in welcoming you to the forums. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. I wish for you as much help and support as I have received.

Thank you for what you have shared with us thus far:

How do you reconcile firm boundaries with a desire to help them and be compassionate?

I imagine that interacting with your mother is very challenging, to say the least. You are a very compassionate person and that shines through in your post. It also sounds like you have learned how to take care of yourself very well by setting boundaries with your mother. 

I am finding it very difficult as I wonder each time with talk/see each other if its the last time.

This is a toughie and makes total sense. I bet this is difficult for you. But, of course, in order to take of yourself, you can't very well let her run all over you, despite the fact that she has terminal cancer. It sounds like you are already doing the very best that you can, and that's all we can do, really.

I know she isn't going to change, but I would like to have our last interactions be as positive as they can be... .and her interactions with my kids too (age 8 and 5).

Well, you're right that if your mother suffers from BPD, I doubt there's enough time left in her life to change. So, in order to "keep the peace" while honoring her last days, the onus will have to be on her family members to set clear boundaries and possibly step back from the fray (if necessary), while also engaging with her in as positive a manner as possible.

Have you seen some of the material located in the right-handed panel? The site articles may help provide additional support to you while you manage this very difficult time.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, but we're so glad you're here. Keep reading and posting, and I'm sure you'll get help and support you need (as I have).

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[wildflower11]

Hi wildflower11,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry about your mom. It has to be difficult to watch a loved one go through and communication or mood is a challenge because of BPD. Is she diagnosed with BPD?

I’m glad that you decided to join us. Many of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you’re not alone.

Can you give us some examples of your boundaries with your mom?

Hi, and thank you for the welcome.

She is not diagnosed with BPD. I have been reading about it a lot since my SIL got diagnosed a few years back and recognized a lot of my mom's personality in the stuff I was reading. I have shared this with her husband and he says it matches her to a tee.

Some of my boundaries are:

- no talking about my Dad, dragging up old stuff from the past (she is convinced he turned us all against her, and that he continues to manipulate us to this day... .which is actually true of her!)
- I call or text about once a week and see her about once a month. I always visit her so I am in control of when I can leave
- I keep her on do not disturb on my phone so I can call back or text back on my own time.

[Panda39]

Hi wildflower and welcome 

I am conflicted because she really saves her crazy for her husband and my brother and sister. She has been alright with me lately, I have set very firm boundaries with her and am fairly low contact.

My guess is your boundaries and low contact are exactly why she has been "alright" with you lately.  Boundaries aren't created to punish anyone they are to protect ourselves.  You have created boundaries that are allowing you to have a tolerable relationship with your mother.  I would argue that your mother isn't making the situation with you "alright" but your boundaries have created an atmosphere that is "alright" in terms of your mom.

But I do want to acknowledge how hard it is to keep enforcing those boundaries, I hear your fatigue in this area.  It's tough to maintain boundaries when the other person is an expert boundary buster. 

Some of my boundaries are:

- no talking about my Dad, dragging up old stuff from the past (she is convinced he turned us all against her, and that he continues to manipulate us to this day... .which is actually true of her!)
- I call or text about once a week and see her about once a month. I always visit her so I am in control of when I can leave
- I keep her on do not disturb on my phone so I can call back or text back on my own time.

I think these boundaries are excellent!

You're right about the first one it is projection... .she is projecting her feelings/behaviors on to your dad.
Keeping control of when and how you communicate with your mom is great... .and all of this contact in spite of it being difficult says a lot about you and your kindness.
The last boundary is an excellent example of self care, keep it up!  Your no good to anyone else if you don't take time for yourself.  You might need to do a little more of this since the situation is becoming more drawn out.  Pace your self, in my opinion your doing a great job in terms of your mother (even though I'm sure she's pushing for more).

I think your doing a great job with boundaries but thought I'd share some information on boundaries that we have on the site... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Also you might want to take a look at the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information.  It might be helpful when you have time to check out the "Lessons" section.

Hang in there 
Panda39