He tells me to stop trying to change him

[Danya]

I am married to an undiagosed person who I am certain has BPD.  He tried medications and there was one that worked amazing but had a bad sexual side effect which he would not put up with. He then tried wellbrutrin which made him worse not better and he went into a rage again but was packing his stuff saying he wants to leave over me asking him a question about his sexual affair. Litterally a question about wjat I learned the night before and we had worked through.

He changes from I love you to I hate my life and I cant take being a father anymore. He teaches our 7 year old daughter all sorts of things by example that terrify me. I am afraid to leave him at home alone with her but then he comes back.

The man that disappeared.  He is caring and passionate and teaching our child things.  He is funny and charasmatic. But then it goes on again.   The dog pees in the house or our child doesnt listen and he's off on his hate filled rage with words and actions that cannot be taken back.  He is our daughters step father but truly he is her father. She already has a fear of abdonment.

And I just want him to get help. Please dont tell me to leave because I am not there. I am not in that mind set. Once he went to therapy for rage ... .it was amazing. He really did well but then the therapist wanted to talk about his gambling in the past and he stopped going.  So ... .he said he would ho talk to someone but then says no then yes then no.  He is not motivated and tells me to stop trying to change him but I am not trying to change him. I just want angry rages to stop.  

If I ask him something about emotions or feelings he refuses to answer ... .he puts limits on how much he will tell me. When he took the wellbrutrin is when he looked online for sex while I was at work. Tried meeting up with few people. Said the sex never happened but I dont know. I can forgive. Move on but even any question about our relationship has him upset saying everything is ... .fine and i need to stop asking questions. Help. I feel crazy. I feel alone. I feel the cause of this ___ed up life ... .I just want my husband back.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Danya,

Welcome ,

I'm sorry that you are going through so much conflict in your relationship. From what I gather it sounds like little things tend to send your H into a rage?

When he starts to get angry how do you respond? Does your response immediately help things or make it worse?

[Mutt]

Hi Danya,

 

Id like to join Tattered Heart and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time  You’re not alone it helps to talk to others that are in a similar situation as yourself, people here get it you’ll see that you’ll fit right in.

A couple of things the disorder tends to get worse when a pwBPD are stressed. Is there something in particular that’s stressful for him at the moment.

I know that you’re going through your own stress, do you have people that you can lean on from time to time in real life? What do you do for self care, i understand that you’re walking on eggshells but do you find some time for yourself.

Finally, BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder a pwBPD can’t self sooth or self regulate their emotions it takes them much longer than a non to get back to their emotional baseline of happiness.

[Speck]

Welcome, Danya!

 

I just want to join Tattered Heart and Mutt in welcoming you to the discussion boards. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you're with us. We help and support each other here, so that's what you should expect.

I lurked here for a while before feeling compelled to become a member, and I'm so glad that I have. It sounds like you are having an especially difficult time right now, but I hope that you will stick around and receive the support that you need.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

I am married to an undiagosed person who I am certain has BPD.

I hear you. As you most likely know, only a trained specialist can diagnose BPD, but I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. Yes, a firm diagnosis can help loved ones feel better by knowing that the odd, hurtful, and confusing behavior has an actual name, however, in my view, it's the behavior that's the problem. And, it sure sounds like your husband's behavior has been a problem for you. I am so sorry for that.

And I just want him to get help. Please dont tell me to leave because I am not there. I am not in that mind set.

I understand. No one here is going to advise you to leave your husband. We have a rule against that.

I just want angry rages to stop.

This makes perfect sense. Do you have a plan for setting some boundaries around this type of behavior?

If you look up to the left of your screen under our logo you'll see these words: "Facing Emotionally Intense Relationships." From what you've shared thus far, I would think that your relationship would fall into this category, so just know that you're absolutely in the right place. And we're so glad you're here.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to make yourself at home. You are among peers.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning... .


-Speck