Been doing some research on how to completely detach.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Been doing some research on how to completely detach.

Seemingly the time to detach is when you are completely obsessed with a person or a situation and that is definitely me.  The small contact we had a couple of weeks ago has really set me back and deepened my depression.

My therapist believes he will keep finding ways to reel me back in.  Whether it be in weeks or months again.  Part of me wants it, for him to beg and tells me he loves me, everything was a mistake, just to take away my pain, but I know I’d never trust him so I have to stay strong.

I spend my days stalking his whatsapp to see if I’m still blocked.  Checking his social media to see if I’ve been blocked again.  I’m blocked and unblocked on so many things it makes no sense.  I was definitely painted black for weeks, then abusive messages that I never responded too, then messages to friends that they never responded to, and then finally a very passive update on his life email confirming he no longer hated me.

The only thing I Iook forward to everyday is going to the gym.  The endorphins I feel for the couple of hours after a workout take away my pain.

I so badly want to detach.  Does anyone have any tips?  Why do these people have the ability to have us obsess over them even long after they are gone.

Why do I feel inside that this is not over.

JNTT

[Heartachex2]

Been doing some research on how to completely detach.

Seemingly the time to detach is when you are completely obsessed with a person or a situation and that is definitely me.  The small contact we had a couple of weeks ago has really set me back and deepened my depression.

My therapist believes he will keep finding ways to reel me back in.  Whether it be in weeks or months again.  Part of me wants it, for him to beg and tells me he loves me, everything was a mistake, just to take away my pain, but I know I’d never trust him so I have to stay strong.

I spend my days stalking his whatsapp to see if I’m still blocked.  Checking his social media to see if I’ve been blocked again.  I’m blocked and unblocked on so many things it makes no sense.  I was definitely painted black for weeks, then abusive messages that I never responded too, then messages to friends that they never responded to, and then finally a very passive update on his life email confirming he no longer hated me.

The only thing I Iook forward to everyday is going to the gym.  The endorphins I feel for the couple of hours after a workout take away my pain.

I so badly want to detach.  Does anyone have any tips?  Why do these people have the ability to have us obsess over them even long after they are gone.

Why do I feel inside that this is not over.

JNTT

JNTT,
It's never really over. Just a brief background, I was married to someone with diagnosed BPD with NPD traits and I dated someone who is undiagnosed with BPD and NPD traits (I left 9 months in as soon as I put 2 and 2 together). I've been divorced for over 6 years and have no contact with my ex-wife for over 2 years and yet she'll find ways to weasel her way back into my life. Every time she'll send me an email that doesn't pertain to our daughter (I have primary custody) I simply just ignore it and don't respond back. It's been 2 years of this and then finally when I stopped paying complete attention to her she goes and claims our daughter on her taxes to get a rise out of me (I'm supposed to claim her on the taxes). So here we are 6 years later and I still have to deal with her. She has a boyfriend who she is supposedly in love with, yet will find ways to needle me.
My ex-gf on the other hand, we've been over since December and yet she'll swing by my house, drop food off, bring my daughter presents (even though I've told her to stop) and will text me from time to time telling me how much she misses me. I know I walked away right when the devaluation phase started and I didn't quite give her a chance to paint me black, but the minute I saw it coming along with all the other red flags during the idealization phase I knew it was best for me to walk away.
So, my advice is, it never stops but you have to keep on reminding yourself of what your rights are in all of this are. Why are you here? Remind yourself of why the relationship ended (I literally have to go through that every time my ex-gf texts me to tell me how much she misses me). Also focus on improving yourself. Go workout, go to a therapist to work on your mental health, learn a new hobby (I'm learning to code in Python), focus on your work, clean your house and constantly remind yourself why it is that you ended the relationship (or even if they did, what were all the negatives). It takes a lot of hard work. It took me over 4 years to completely reach the point where my ex-wife just doesn't bother me anymore (even the outrageous behavior like stealing my identity doesn't bother me anymore). And I don't know how long it'll take me with my ex-gf but I'll continue to do what it took for me to get through my ex-wife's issues. Posting on this board helps as well.

[Skip]

Then the remorse stopped and everything became abusive, telling me he never loved me, I was never enough.  Calling me on unknown numbers, whisper abusive disgusting things down the phone.  I was so scared, I thought the only way to stop him was to out his affair, so I did, to the husband and exposed everything he had done to me to his closest friends and family.  All of which have disowned [him] (with the exception of his parents), and he has basically had to leave the country we are living in... .

It sounds like this went out with a "bang".  I can imagine that you have all kinds of mixed emotions. Clearly your reached a breaking point and picked up a big club.

But you didn't get heard... .

I think any time a relationship ends on a traumatic event, there tends to be a lot of unfinished business. I can imagine that you feel justified, avenged on the one hand and guilty and sorry on the other.

I so badly want to detach.  :)oes anyone have any tips?  Why do these people have the ability to have us obsess over them even long after they are gone.

I think a large part of the battle right now lies with your own internal conflict.

You may be hoping he will resolve it for you... .let you be heard. Maybe even admit that he deserved it all... .but that is probably unrealistic. pwBPd traits have trust issues even on the good days... .he is feeling betrayed and he is facing a lot of shame. Even if he didn't have BPD, most men would not take this well.

Have you read about wisemind?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind



That might help here. 

The logic side is that this relationship is not recoverable. Even if you put it back together, you both have damaged each other so significantly, the damage will keep resurfacing. Doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, or who struck the last blow... .the important thing is that you are both mortality wounded.

The emotional side is the internal conflict mentioned early.

I don't know exactly how you might connect these... .one example might be to say... .he pushed me hard, over and over again, and I exercise the nuclear option. And now it is finished. There is no going back.

Make sense?

[gotbushels]

Hi JustNeedToTalk   

I want to support your discussion here. 

I so badly want to detach.  Does anyone have any tips?  Why do these people have the ability to have us obsess over them even long after they are gone.

Obsessing is your action--not your ex's. If that's true then whether you do it is up to you. Anyway, you might feel at this stage that it's accurate but it doesn't really stop your obsessive habit. So I think part of getting the idea is figuring out what's inside of you, which is probably an emotional matter. To borrow Heartachex2s's words, the process will probably help your head to put 2 and 2 together for your heart. Therefore the wisemind recommendation that Skip gave you is a great way to go about it.

I'm looking forward to your thoughts on it. 

When you've done that you might consider asking your T for practical advice about those checking routines you have.

I hope you find peace.

[icky]

Have you read about wisemind?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

I hadn't heard of this concept before, but I really like it.

I think I'm someone who, when I'm struggling with strong emotions, tends to use her Logical Mind to try and "combat" or "balance" my Emotional Mind. It ends up feeling like a struggle or a game of "tug of war", instead of *fusing/ blending* those two sides to create something deeper and wiser... .*sigh*

I'm trying to get a sense of what my Wise Mind has to say about my relationship to my BPDx... .

One notion seems to be "We are whole, as we are. We don't need "someone else" (a partner) to complete us."

The idea that we need a romantic partner to complete us is pretty prevalent. It makes me wonder by whom I was taught that and why. Probably by people who were unstable/ unwell/ co-dependent and who had been taught that they are not whole, themselves.

Ironically enough, I remember talking to my BPDx about this issue during the relationship. One of the reasons the idealisation/ mirroring phase was so lovely was because there was this deep sense of "We are both whole and are sharing the wholeness." There was no sense of stuff "not being enough". There was no sense of neediness at all during this phase. (In retrospect, I realise that was my script and my BPDx was struggling with intensely deep neediness and I just didn't realise it.)

If I focus on the sense of "I am whole. I don't need anyone to complete me." in my Wise Mind, then I feel a little sad and a little bit of wistfulness about what-could-have-been, but I don't feel like the loss of the relationship with BPDx is tearing me apart or that it is a source of deep loss.

Also, Wise Mind tells me that I am capable of bonding deeply and lovingly and so are other people - it is part of the universe and so I will experience it from time to time and it can enrich my life. It is not something I have to search for tho, nor do I have to feel a sense of loss because I and my BPDx couldn't deepen our bond or sustain it over time.

I really like this synthesis of Emotional Mind and Logical Mind -> Wise Mind!

What an excellent tool. Sure, this stuff happens by itself sometimes - we stumble into Wise Mind by accident occasionally. But how amazing to actually cultivate it.

I actually feel a bit stoopid for never having heard of it before and never having cultivated it before. *sigh*

[Insom]

Hi, JustNeedToTalk.  Thanks for raising this because it's an interesting question that I also grapple with.  I love Skip's wisemind link.  (Lots to chew on!)

Why do I feel inside that this is not over.

What about the relationship feels unresolved to you?  What did it raise in you?  What problem did it solve for you while you were in it? 

[gotbushels]

icky,   

I think I'm someone who, when I'm struggling with strong emotions, tends to use her Logical Mind to try and "combat" or "balance" my Emotional Mind.

You aren't alone on this one. I think balancing is part of the process itself of moving toward a wisemind state. A lot of people tend toward logical mind because that's what's worked well for them in other areas. Have a look at this thread from heartandwhole about people struggling with emotions.

We're here to help each other and something that helped me when I found an emotion that's quite combative is to feel, label, then say "yes". This is from Tara Brach's True Refuge (2013).

The idea that we need a romantic partner to complete us is pretty prevalent. It makes me wonder by whom I was taught that and why. ... .
"I am whole. I don't need anyone to complete me." in my Wise Mind, then I feel a little sad and a little bit of wistfulness about what-could-have-been, but I don't feel like the loss of the relationship with BPDx is tearing me apart or that it is a source of deep loss.

Powerful. If you imagine yourself to not have this knowledge, then you can see yourself going through life feeling torn. Now if you imagine yourself to have this knowledge, you have sadness. I think when you compare the two lives, then there's a freedom there.    That kind of freedom--and the recognition of it--I think is very helpful for people doing detaching from these relationships because enmeshment leaves them with this whole that was illusory to begin with. People are 'complete' at birth.

I actually feel a bit stoopid for never having heard of it before and never having cultivated it before. *sigh*

Yes and some people learn it earlier, and some people only learn it as a result of their field, or their experiences. Are these people silly simply because of where in time they learn it?

Enjoy your weekend.