Who do you talk with about your family BPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi! I'm Rose!

My mother has BPD and refuses to get treatment. She doesn't really think she has any kind of problem. The fault is always in someone else as you already know. I don't really have anyone to talk about this situation. So i found this group.

Do you guys talk about it with friends, coworkers or other relatives? My friends don't really understand why I don't talk about this with them. They know I have family issues, but they think I'm too closed off and don't like to share with them. But every recomendation I read is that I shouldn't really tell anything because very few people have the knowledge to deal with it properly. I kind of agree because I don't think any of my friends would understand. Even I have a hard time trying to understand it sometimes. Imagine someone who never lived anything like this.

At the same time. It's hard not to have anyone to tell things. I have a brother, but he just thinks my mother it's just too stupid and that she'd always been like this and there's nothing that could be done. When I was trying to talk to them about doing family therapy and believing that things could be better between us he said I was making everything worse. He created in his head a story of his own to justify all this situation. He's not really someone I can count on. I think for him it's too painful to deal with all of this. At some level I understand him, it really is hard.

I don't really have any relatives around because my mother doesn't like anyone of them. She hides from everyone or chase them away. So I don't really have a family. Close or distant.

How do you guys deal with it?
Thanks for listening!

[Rose07]

Hi! I'm Rose!

My mother has BPD and refuses to get treatment. She doesn't really think she has any kind of problem. The fault is always in someone else as you already know. I don't really have anyone to talk about this situation. So i found this group.

Do you guys talk about it with friends, coworkers or other relatives? My friends don't really understand why I don't talk about this with them. They know I have family issues, but they think I'm too closed off and don't like to share with them. But every recomendation I read is that I shouldn't really tell anything because very few people have the knowledge to deal with it properly. I kind of agree because I don't think any of my friends would understand. Even I have a hard time trying to understand it sometimes. Imagine someone who never lived anything like this.

At the same time. It's hard not to have anyone to tell things. I have a brother, but he just thinks my mother it's just too stupid and that she'd always been like this and there's nothing that could be done. When I was trying to talk to them about doing family therapy and believing that things could be better between us he said I was making everything worse. He created in his head a story of his own to justify all this situation. He's not really someone I can count on. I think for him it's too painful to deal with all of this. At some level I understand him, it really is hard.

I don't really have any relatives around because my mother doesn't like anyone of them. She hides from everyone or chase them away. So I don't really have a family. Close or distant.

How do you guys deal with it?
Thanks for listening!

[Harri]

Hi Rose and welcome!  I am very glad you found us because we can all relate to having a family member with BPD though most of us are like you and are just calling it BPD as it is the best fit.  Regardless, we all get it and can relate to you and understand your experiences.

I never talked with anyone about my mother and her uBPD (undiagnosed BPD).  My mother is dead but when she was alive my brother and father were still too tied to my mom and were not at all receptive to hearing anything I had to say tho again I never mentioned BPD specifically.  My brother is like yours and has his own understanding and way of dealing with things.  It used to bother me a great deal that they did not know and I wanted very much for them to see what I saw.  It just wasn't in the cards.  I kept reminding myself that it was not that long ago that I too was completely tied to my mom and that they had the right to find their own way.  It never happened for my father.  He died almost 2 years after my mother singing praises about her and sort of made her out to be a saint after a miserable 46 years with her.  People respond so differently, especially to death.

I have mentioned a few incidents to friends over the years, describing something I thought of as funny but stopped doing so when i realized people just didn't get it.  It was hard not to miss the tears in their eyes or look of shock and confusion.  So I found a place similar to this about 2002 and that helped me.  Then I came here I think in 2014 or so?  This board has been a wonderful place of support, understanding and healing for me. 

There are others who post here who have a spouse they can talk with but even then I think they try to minimize it and find that some spouses can't relate. 

Are there any particulars you want to talk about?  What is your greatest issue with your mom?

I hope you feel free to post as you feel like it.  I am looking forward to hearing more about your story.  Take care.

[Mutt]

Hi Rose07, 



I’d like to join Harri and welcome you to bpdfamily. You both mentioned relate. It makes me think of divorce unless you’ve gone through the experience you don’t understand how painful it and it turns your life upside down. People that haven’t gone through it can sympathize, show empathy but don’t really get it.

Friends and family mean well and the advice that I have gotten in the past is advice that is suitable if the person was a non. I found myself explaining my side then explaining my exe’s side but explaining it with BPD in context. It’s not my job to make people understand the one thing that I really noticed when I was a newbie here is how everyone speaks the same language, they take your word for it ( I don’t how many times I got accused for doing something that I stigmates my exe’s behaviours ) and they totally get it.

[Rose07]

Hi Harry! Hi Mutt!
Thank you for your kind words! For sure these messages are already helping me.

I'm strugglin because I'm livin with my mother and brother, and I hate it. I tryed to leave last year and share an apartment with another girls but one of them was as crazy as my mother. I was even afraid she could even steal my things. Then I had to come back and it was really hard for me. I'm a freelance and trying to find a job also. With both I will be able to live on my own, but It's been 2 years and I haven't found anything yet. Sometimes I got pretty close and It made me feel even worse just to imagine that i could be free from all of this but wasn't.

In this house no one talks to anyone. Not even hello or good morning. My brother said that he doesn't consider me and my mother his family since he was 15 years old. My mother talks to herself pretty much all day having fights or talking trash about me. I don't know if there's a target in this situations but she really projects things in me. Last year she tried to hit me because I'm not married yet and don't work in an office and I was always the worst kid (i'm a freelance so many days i work homeoffice). That's when I moved out in a hurry.

It's really hard to have to be here. I go out to work in another places sometimes but I'm trying to save money so I can't do that often. She talks to herself all day and even with music or ear plugs I can hear it. If something in the house (she's always home, never leaves) goes wrong like something breakes or get lost or whatever she gets super angry and atacks everyone. I'm working and she punches my door, stumps her feet on the ground or keeps grunting (yes like an animal) she disconects the internet modem that stays in her room so I cannot work. There were days that I did a barricade in my door to be able to sleep. I had so many nightmares that she was atacking me =(

i think things started going crazy like this because now I say no to some stuff I don't agree. I created some limits (like you have to respect me even if I'm your daughter, apparently she didn't knew that). When I was a kid I didn't. An she can't stand it now. She never atacked me fisically (maybe because i ran) and there are days that are very quiet. But I never know when things are going to change. It's horrible.

I meditate, do yoga, did therapy to be able to face my present situation and it helps. But it's really hard for me not having anyone close to count on, you know? One time I told a friend about one of our fights and I think she told her mother, who told someone else that my mother "mistreated that poor girl" and it came back to my mothers ears. Of course it made everything worse. She was so sad and angry. It was the first time I thought something could be wrong. That it wasn't just her difficult personality.

It's very good to be able to talk about this things here. Thank you very much.

[Rose07]

I have mentioned a few incidents to friends over the years, describing something I thought of as funny but stopped doing so when i realized people just didn't get it.  It was hard not to miss the tears in their eyes or look of shock and confusion.  So I found a place similar to this about 2002 and that helped me.  Then I came here I think in 2014 or so?  This board has been a wonderful place of support, understanding and healing for me. 

I hope It helps me to be here too Harri! People really don't get it. It really makes me angry how little empathy there's out there. Even from close friends!=(

[Rose07]

Friends and family mean well and the advice that I have gotten in the past is advice that is suitable if the person was a non. I found myself explaining my side then explaining my exe’s side but explaining it with BPD in context. It’s not my job to make people understand the one thing that I really noticed when I was a newbie here is how everyone speaks the same language, they take your word for it ( I don’t how many times I got accused for doing something that I stigmates my exe’s behaviours ) and they totally get it.

Omg! It must have been really hard to be accused for doing something Mutt. It's really good to be understood indeed. Thank god we found this group. And thank god we speak english because in Brazil for example there are not groups like this. I think I would have found them if they existed.

[Fie]

Hello Rose   

I so much understand what you mean.
My mum is BPD, my dad has NPD traits. I used to talk about it with my friends. I agree with Mutt that they mean well, I do not think they are mean, ... .but they certainly don't understand.

One of my friends even says that I got it wrong, that the NC (no contact) my mum installed is mispercieved by me, that my mum loves me 'like all mothers love their children' (really ? Strange way of showing it).

Things like that used to hurt, especially since I do not really have other relatives - except for my daughter, so I really wished for friend to understand me. Now I just see it for what it is : they don't understand because they don't know how it is. They don't do it on purpose.

So I changed tactiques : When people now ask,  I tell them I don't see my parents  because they are emotionally not well. And you know what ? People don't ask any further. They seem to grasp that there is no need to insist, things are what they are, and it's not my fault. So I don't have to feel this shame each time people wonder why I have a messed up relationship with my parents. Stating that they are 'not well' (and that's not a lie) kind of puts the blame away from me. So I don't have the feeling anymore that I need to justify myself.

Does that make sense to you ?

[Rose07]

Hi Fie!

That makes a lot of sense! For sure I'm going to try that approach!
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences here! It's really difficult not having any family around indeed.

I never thought I would be able to talk to people who lived similar experiences... .
It's really conforting to have feedback without a pity look or awkward silence... .

Thank you again =)

[deirdre]

Hi Rose,
I am glad to have found this place along with you! I am in a similar boat though a little different in ways. For me it is my Dad who is BD, it is hard when they refuse treatment I know that pain well. For me all I want is for him to get better, but I know I can only work on myself. I am also living with my BD and non-BD parents, I related to you mentioning that even on the quiet days it is difficult. I have a lot of good days as a family, but it is hard not to let the bad days taint the good.

It is hard being stuck in a house that is chaotic and to make sense. When no one else around can really grasp the chaos. I have never talked to my friends much about it, they all think I am withdrawn. In some ways it hurts some of them knowing I don't share everything but really it is for their good (in my opinion). It is hard to financially make it alone, my BD Father who out of fear of losing my "love" in my perception. Always says what will go wrong if I leave and makes sure I know I won't be able to support myself. In some ways it is true, it is really hard to be a young 20 something year old trying to make it alone. Never impossible though, I fear going through the situation you have of having roommates that are as crazy a my family. Jumping out of one chaotic situation that you know all the ins and outs of to one that you don't know all the rules too sounds terrifying.

 Anyways, I am glad to be making this journey of trying to connect, be understood, and heal right along with you!

[pbnjsandwich]

Hi! I'm Rose!

My mother has BPD and refuses to get treatment. She doesn't really think she has any kind of problem. The fault is always in someone else as you already know. I don't really have anyone to talk about this situation. So i found this group.

Do you guys talk about it with friends, coworkers or other relatives? My friends don't really understand why I don't talk about this with them. They know I have family issues, but they think I'm too closed off and don't like to share with them. But every recomendation I read is that I shouldn't really tell anything because very few people have the knowledge to deal with it properly. I kind of agree because I don't think any of my friends would understand. Even I have a hard time trying to understand it sometimes. Imagine someone who never lived anything like this.

At the same time. It's hard not to have anyone to tell things. I have a brother, but he just thinks my mother it's just too stupid and that she'd always been like this and there's nothing that could be done. When I was trying to talk to them about doing family therapy and believing that things could be better between us he said I was making everything worse. He created in his head a story of his own to justify all this situation. He's not really someone I can count on. I think for him it's too painful to deal with all of this. At some level I understand him, it really is hard.

I don't really have any relatives around because my mother doesn't like anyone of them. She hides from everyone or chase them away. So I don't really have a family. Close or distant.

How do you guys deal with it?
Thanks for listening!

I think that being on here is helpful. You can always vent, ask questions and get information to help you. I have several siblings and each one handled the situation differently. Two of them didn't live in the same State and often times turned their back on the situation. So, here is my advice to you, my dear.  Learn about BPD and how to form some boundaries for yourself and spend the time with your brother doing things that are fun and enjoyable. Get out and enjoy your life. Your mother will have to make a choice to live the way she has or to get help, but that is her choice, not yours. To effectively navigate through BPD you need to voice your limits and boundaries to your mother, letting her know you love her but will not tolerate raging and abusive behavior. That does nothing for her or for you. You are entitled to your own life which is incredibly important. You need to take time in your own life to see what it is you like and what it is you need to function in this life. That is your fundamental right.  Stay close to BPD Family. We're here for you! ♥

[KL9090]

Hi Rose,
I can really relate and understand your situation. I too, know what it is like to not have any friends that are supportive enough to speak to about the family situation.Its hard for them to understand if they had not lived through such horrific experiences with a family member. It makes it very hard to deal with. You are not alone, I understand and have been through similar situations not only with my spouses family but my own family have issues as well. stay strong, you can get through this and feel free to reach out if you need to discuss anything.
 
I have been through alot of really bad/serious situations in my life when I was young , as an adult and before and after being married. It will get easier in time since you will learn how to better deal with it and setting boundaries is so important, take care of you and your well being is the key here. you do not have to put up with abuse in any form and for sure not just because it is a family member. abuse is a criminal act for a reason, so you do not need to accept any form of it what so ever. stay strong. you will get through this, and for sure keep with your goal to move out and stay living apart if you can once you are able to.

I moved out and it was the best decision ever made when I was 18. You have time to reclaim who you are, process what has happened, and most importantly you get to be in control of your own life, and your feelings do matter, do not forget that, live the way that makes you happy and keep striving for that goal! it may be hard and take alot of time, but trust me from alot of experience, it is worth it and worth all the efforts to make it happen, to be free and live your life as you choose.

[Rose07]

Thank you pbnjsandwich and deidre for your kind words!

[zachira]

In response to your question: "Who do you talk with about your family BPD?" First of all, that is  a very good question, and probably one of the hardest things I have had to learn is who to talk with about the family BPD. I talk with my therapist, post on this website, and give some limited information to family and friends that they are able to understand. One of the most heartbreaking aspects of having a family member with BPD, is how manipulative these people are, and how they show "their good side" to people they want to impress outside their immediate family while badmouthing the family members that stand up to them so anything the family members say will  be discredited. I often feel heartbroken and lonely about not being believed, and having my character and reputation trashed. Posting on this board, going to therapy, having supportive friends and family, doing what I love in life, help me to feel better and be less affected by the borderline behaviors of my family members. Post here anytime, and tell us how we can help you. This board has supported me in the worst of times, when I had nobody to talk to at the time. There are so many kind caring people here, and I hope you will feel supported, understood, and cared for. Let us know how we can be most helpful.

[Harvest_Moon]

Hi Rose,

I'm new and glad I found this place to share some of the things I only talk with my therapist about. He has a clinical understanding and truly helps. But I've noticed when I've spoken with 2 close and quite savvy, thoughtful and otherwise supportive friends about it, they couldn't understand. One, who had wonderful parents just kept coming from an "honor thy mother and father" mindset, and the other wondered why, since I understand my mother is mentally ill, I can't just forgive her, excuse her behavior and get over it... .Which for a long time I wondered, too.
When my extremely kind, yet enabling stepfather was dying, I went to visit my mother and him out of state. She was so out of control and acting terribly- including refusing to eat the dinner I had made because it took a little longer than I expected and then throwing her plate. She didn't leave my stepfather and me alone for one minute... .she had to control whatever she could more than ever because cancer was definitely out of her control. It was brutal. She left us alone for 5 minutes the day before I left and what he said to me breaks my heart every time, even to this day. He told me he was in hell because of my mother. He had hoped the cancer would soften her, but instead, it had made her behavior even worse than before... .and he said he had no one to talk to... .except me... .because I was the only other person who knew what she was really like. We hugged briefly as my mother came back in and the conversation was over. We both cried deeply the day I left... .one of the worst days of my life.
I'm so glad we're here and talking, Rose. I hope you find a way to move out on your own to get some emotional and physical distance both. Best to you.