Hello there faith18! sending you a warm welcome and together with
Lucky Jim and
Mutt!
hope you'd find your stay here pleasant and giving insight to your current situation.
Hi,
I recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend whom I lived with for the past 5 years. We were together for almost 7 years and he always told me that we would be together forever. I did not intend for the relationship to end.
I was hoping we could work things out and had asked him on more than one occasion to go to counseling with me. He went once in all of the time we were together and it helped for about 3 weeks.
You know faith18, i think all of us go into relationships wanting to find a better future. I don't think anyone in their right frame of mind goes into a relationship wanting to fail. No one would want our relationships to fail. Sometimes it just does, and of course i can see your commitment in wanting to make the relationship work. The fact that you've seem to exhaust all avenues of communication and have even sought couples counselling goes to show how much the relationship had meant to you.
So, faith18 im really sorry that things haven't worked out and you're having a hard time now.
He was controlling and emotionally abusive (yet, he could also be very loving, caring and fun to be around). The abusive episodes were increasing in frequency and intensity, so I had to tell him that I was moving out, but I still wanted to work on the relationship. He was not happy about it, but told me that he would go to counseling with me. After I moved out though, he sent me a message that said I was too much of a "flight risk" and the relationship was over.
I do believe that you would find many members on our community boards having this same experience with their significant other. I am really sorry that you have tolerated and undergone emotional abuse from your ex-partner. I suppose you moving out was a trigger toward his "insecurity" of not having you around. Out of sigh and out of mind. Your visual proximity to him was for him a sense of security. Unknown to him, that probably triggered his fear of abandonment.
Your ex-partner may have an inability to be "alone" in that sense, and therefore when you moved out, that triggered a ripple cascading pattern of actions. But before i carry on further, i want to say faith18, while you moving out may have caused the trigger - i say this firmly and gently. It is in no way your fault. So, please don't be too hard yourself. Perhaps at this point there would have been a whole series of "what ifs" that have been going through your thought process regarding this.
I know that I am better off to be out of such an unhealthy relationship, but I am still having a hard time processing everything.
Hey faith18, you been the relationship for sometime, it is natural to have a hard time detaching and allowing your brain and heart to accept a new normal. So again, please go easy on yourself. This is a safe space to express how you feel.
If there is anything else that you need help with, do let us know.
Takecare and takeheart,
Spero.