Recent break up with longterm partner - BPD?

[faith18]

Hi,

I'm new to the BPD family.  I recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend whom I lived with for the past 5 years.  We were together for almost 7 years and he always told me that we would be together forever.  I did not intend for the relationship to end.  I was hoping we could work things out and had asked him on more than one occasion to go to counseling with me.  He went once in all of the time we were together and it helped for about 3 weeks.  He was controlling and emotionally abusive (yet, he could also be very loving, caring and fun to be around).  The abusive episodes were increasing in frequency and intensity, so I had to tell him that I was moving out, but I still wanted to work on the relationship.  He was not happy about it, but told me that he would go to counseling with me.  After I moved out though, he sent me a message that said I was too much of a "flight risk" and the relationship was over.  He says his biggest fear was abandonment and I did that by moving out.  Very shortly after, I found out that he is already involved with another woman.  I never considered that he could have BPD until after I moved out and I wasn't under the constant stress of all his nit-picking and controlling behavior.  One moment he could be loving and caring and in an instant, he could change into a totally different person.  I know that I am better off to be out of such an unhealthy relationship, but I am still having a hard time processing everything. 

[CryWolf]

Hey Faith18

I know what you're going through is very difficult at the moment. You thought this person was the "one" and you would have your happily ever after. It's hard letting go of a relationship, yet alone one with a partner who has BPD. It is more intense and tragic letting go. You may never get your closure from them, only from within.

We've been in your position and would like to announce that you are not alone. We are a family here and will listen and help the best we can. Keep posting!

Was your partner diagnosed in that session he went? Everything is confusing at first. But slowly in time you will get answers. The more you post and read other's stories, they will help you tremendously as it has helped me. I was broken and devastated when I first joined. But I am slowly picking the pieces up again.

Best wishes

[Mutt]

Hi Faith8,  



Id like to join CryWolf and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sooty to hear that you’re going through a rough time.

It's hard letting go of a relationship, yet alone one with a partner who has BPD. It is more intense and tragic letting go.

7 years is a long time and these r/a break ups can abruptly, unexpectedly. I think that the shock is huge source of pain. Our expwBPD seem like they can shake it completely off, it really hurts to watch them move on and it takes so much less nager to recover. But, a pwBPD don’t grieve like s non does, the grieving is rerouted through anger and acting out. We can mend our wounds, we’re here to help you mend. You’re not alone.

Are you two in touch?

[Will2Power]

Faith18,

Welcome! First of all, what you are going through right now is very hard. I applaud you for having the strength to move out.

When you said that you didn’t realize he is BPD until you were away from these behaviors- that resonated with me. A lot of the gaslighting creates a learned helplessness, and cognitive dissonance, I want to stress that it is not your fault for not being able to “see clearly” his pathology. Try looking up videos about Stockholm syndrom. It helped me understand why I felt so compelled to run back and work things out with my NPD/BPD ex after I knew something wasn’t right because of how I felt internally. You have been walking on eggshells for a long time, and when you don’t have to anymore, you can begin making many realizations. In these first few weeks  of your transition, I would encourage you to take it very, very easy. Allow yourself time to process everything, and know that while it feels hopeless now, I PROMISE that it will improve with time.

Continue to post and research the cluster B’s. Only someone with a pathology would be able to move on this quickly... .nonetheless, I am so sorry to hear that this did happen. Please remember it is not your fault, and you leaving  him was a matter of taking care of you- it was completely permissible to do.

Welcome to the family <3
Will2Power

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Faith8, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar and many of us here have experienced something similar, so you are not alone.  Parting ways with a pwBPD is an ordeal from which it will take time to heal.  My suggestion is to start with yourself, by treating yourself with care and compassion.  After seven years together, you've been through a lot!  I spent 13 years living with my BPDxW. 

The Jekyll/Hyde quality you describe is common to a BPD r/s, which is why at times it can be so confusing:

He was controlling and emotionally abusive (yet, he could also be very loving, caring and fun to be around). 

I know exactly what you mean.

Keep posting and let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[faith18]

Thank you everyone for your replies.  I agree with you all that time and taking care of myself is what is going to get me through this.  It is sad to see that this is not an uncommon situation, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone.

Thanks

[spero]

Hello there faith18!   sending you a warm welcome and together with Lucky Jim and Mutt!

hope you'd find your stay here pleasant and giving insight to your current situation.

Hi,

I recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend whom I lived with for the past 5 years.  We were together for almost 7 years and he always told me that we would be together forever.  I did not intend for the relationship to end. 
I was hoping we could work things out and had asked him on more than one occasion to go to counseling with me.  He went once in all of the time we were together and it helped for about 3 weeks. 

You know faith18, i think all of us go into relationships wanting to find a better future. I don't think anyone in their right frame of mind goes into a relationship wanting to fail. No one would want our relationships to fail. Sometimes it just does, and of course i can see your commitment in wanting to make the relationship work. The fact that you've seem to exhaust all avenues of communication and have even sought couples counselling goes to show how much the relationship had meant to you.

So, faith18 im really sorry that things haven't worked out and you're having a hard time now.

He was controlling and emotionally abusive (yet, he could also be very loving, caring and fun to be around).  The abusive episodes were increasing in frequency and intensity, so I had to tell him that I was moving out, but I still wanted to work on the relationship.  He was not happy about it, but told me that he would go to counseling with me.  After I moved out though, he sent me a message that said I was too much of a "flight risk" and the relationship was over. 

I do believe that you would find many members on our community boards having this same experience with their significant other. I am really sorry that you have tolerated and undergone emotional abuse from your ex-partner. I suppose you moving out was a trigger toward his "insecurity" of not having you around. Out of sigh and out of mind. Your visual proximity to him was for him a sense of security. Unknown to him, that probably triggered his fear of abandonment.

Your ex-partner may have an inability to be "alone" in that sense, and therefore when you moved out, that triggered a ripple cascading pattern of actions. But before i carry on further, i want to say faith18, while you moving out may have caused the trigger - i say this firmly and gently. It is in no way your fault. So, please don't be too hard yourself. Perhaps at this point there would have been a whole series of "what ifs" that have been going through your thought process regarding this.

I know that I am better off to be out of such an unhealthy relationship, but I am still having a hard time processing everything. 

Hey faith18, you been the relationship for sometime, it is natural to have a hard time detaching and allowing your brain and heart to accept a new normal. So again, please go easy on yourself. This is a safe space to express how you feel.

If there is anything else that you need help with, do let us know.

Takecare and takeheart,

Spero.