BPD Sister has tried to ruin my life and I can't go NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All!

So I was a member of this site about 9 years ago when things came to a head with my BPD Mother. She basically ruined my wedding, tried to turn my husband against me and proceeded to cut me out of her life.

This forum was an amazing support then and I'm hoping I can lean on you wonderful beings again.

My sister, I am 100% sure, has undiagnosed BPD. It's a long sordid story (isn't it always?) but in a nutshell, our parents were neglectful and abusive. We were removed from their care and we were then adopted. Our adoptive mother has BPD and kicked me out when I was 15. I've tried to mend the relationship but there's no point - I am the all bad one. You would all know what that's like.

My sister and I have always been close and being the older one, I've protected her my whole life. I've looked after her as best I could.

Recently my sister got a job with my auntie and uncle who I've always been close to. I learnt recently she launched an all mighty smear campaign against me. So much so that my auntie and uncle stopped talking to me. She said the most horrible things. That I'm after my grandparents money (inheritance) even though they are very much alive and I've never bought it up. In actual fact, she told me how far ahead she would get if she got that money even though she never even bothers to visit them! That I got fired from a past job (not true, I resigned), that my marriage is a sham, that my little boy has issues, that I'm a terrible mother etc etc.

Unfortunately they ate it all up until my sister showed her true colours. They now know what she's like and are nothing but apologetic towards me.

It's a long story again but she started an affair at work, she started a smear campaign against my auntie, she turned staff against each other, was sexually charged and made everyone in the workplace uncomfortable, lied about work and mistakes others had made... .the list goes on.

Now, I've always known my sister has had a touch of BPD but I didn't realise quite how bad it was. I haven't spoken with her about what I know. I can't handle another run in with her. I need to protect myself first and foremost. I am really concerned about her long term health though. She has a young son (she's a single mum) and if something's not done, she will continue this pattern of behaviour.

Along with not being able to keep a job, she's a compulsive spender and absolutely obsessed with her appearance. She spends money on Botox, Jenny Craig, Top Notch Makeup etc when she can hardly afford to pay rent sometimes. She's 30 years old mind you so she doesn't need all of these 'treatments'.

She's sexually promiscuous (I'm all for females being able to do what they want but she's at a whole other level), she's constantly anxious and she craves love and becomes almost obsessed with the person in the quest to get it.

What can I do and has anyone else been in this situation? At the end of the day, my heart breaks for her and I love her but she doesn't seem to realise what she's doing and the impact her behaviour has on others. She almost tore my only family members away from me. She caused so much friction at my uncles workplace that he had to ask her to leave. Staff members made formal complaints about her and blocked her off all social media. It's like a B Grade psychological thriller movie.

The saddest thing is her son won't prosper if she can't provide for him and work on her mental health.

Do BPD sufferers just block out the damage they do? Do they have any empathy?

If I send her to a shrink, she will simply lie and she's so good at it I don't believe a shrink could see through it.

I'm stressed!

Thanks in advance and apologies for the essay! 

[TheAllBadOne]

Hi All!

So I was a member of this site about 9 years ago when things came to a head with my BPD Mother. She basically ruined my wedding, tried to turn my husband against me and proceeded to cut me out of her life.

This forum was an amazing support then and I'm hoping I can lean on you wonderful beings again.

My sister, I am 100% sure, has undiagnosed BPD. It's a long sordid story (isn't it always?) but in a nutshell, our parents were neglectful and abusive. We were removed from their care and we were then adopted. Our adoptive mother has BPD and kicked me out when I was 15. I've tried to mend the relationship but there's no point - I am the all bad one. You would all know what that's like.

My sister and I have always been close and being the older one, I've protected her my whole life. I've looked after her as best I could.

Recently my sister got a job with my auntie and uncle who I've always been close to. I learnt recently she launched an all mighty smear campaign against me. So much so that my auntie and uncle stopped talking to me. She said the most horrible things. That I'm after my grandparents money (inheritance) even though they are very much alive and I've never bought it up. In actual fact, she told me how far ahead she would get if she got that money even though she never even bothers to visit them! That I got fired from a past job (not true, I resigned), that my marriage is a sham, that my little boy has issues, that I'm a terrible mother etc etc.

Unfortunately they ate it all up until my sister showed her true colours. They now know what she's like and are nothing but apologetic towards me.

It's a long story again but she started an affair at work, she started a smear campaign against my auntie, she turned staff against each other, was sexually charged and made everyone in the workplace uncomfortable, lied about work and mistakes others had made... .the list goes on.

Now, I've always known my sister has had a touch of BPD but I didn't realise quite how bad it was. I haven't spoken with her about what I know. I can't handle another run in with her. I need to protect myself first and foremost. I am really concerned about her long term health though. She has a young son (she's a single mum) and if something's not done, she will continue this pattern of behaviour.

Along with not being able to keep a job, she's a compulsive spender and absolutely obsessed with her appearance. She spends money on Botox, Jenny Craig, Top Notch Makeup etc when she can hardly afford to pay rent sometimes. She's 30 years old mind you so she doesn't need all of these 'treatments'.

She's sexually promiscuous (I'm all for females being able to do what they want but she's at a whole other level), she's constantly anxious and she craves love and becomes almost obsessed with the person in the quest to get it.

What can I do and has anyone else been in this situation? At the end of the day, my heart breaks for her and I love her but she doesn't seem to realise what she's doing and the impact her behaviour has on others. She almost tore my only family members away from me. She caused so much friction at my uncles workplace that he had to ask her to leave. Staff members made formal complaints about her and blocked her off all social media. It's like a B Grade psychological thriller movie.

The saddest thing is her son won't prosper if she can't provide for him and work on her mental health.

Do BPD sufferers just block out the damage they do? Do they have any empathy?

If I send her to a shrink, she will simply lie and she's so good at it I don't believe a shrink could see through it.

I'm stressed!

Thanks in advance and apologies for the essay! 

[Speck]

Welcome, TheAllBadOne!



Let me welcome you here to bpdfamily and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

I can't handle another run in with her. I need to protect myself first and foremost.

Absolutely! Since you were here nine years ago and received help, you should know about boundary-setting. Are your boundary-setting skills rusty? A good first step to self-care is setting some boundaries in order to give yourself the gift of peace and clarity.

Do BPD sufferers just block out the damage they do?

Yes, this is one of the hallmarks of the disorder; it's a coping mechanism. Any healthy protesting to the damage they do is likely to be projected back onto you, making you at fault for XYZ, further complicating the wounding.

Do they have any empathy?

Yes, but in my experience, it is very short lived.

It sounds like you have really had a tough time, and I'm sorry for that. One thing that can really help with allaying some worry is understanding. And, it sounds like you are willing to understand your sister better, and that is pure love, in my opinion. Luckily, you've found our website which can help you in that regard in spades. When you're ready, just start reading the site articles and do the Tools and Lessons located in the right panel of this page. The other thing that you'll find here is support for yourself.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Turkish]

I'm adopted also by a mother with BPD though I was adopted as a toddler.  I have faint memories of foster care,  but not my bio parents (who were addicts). I can't imagine how much more pain I would have experienced if I had gone through that with my bio parents like you did... .

I'm glad that you were able to reconnect with your family after your sister's smears.  Just to keep things straight,  are they your bio family or adoptive?

I hear your pain about your sister whom you spent so much on protecting.  It's tragic that she may have inherited (emotionally, genetically, or both) traits from either of your moms, or the experiences you both went through. 

I'd be concerned about your nephew as well.  It's he cut off from you given your r/s with your sister now? Do you feel that he is in any immediate danger,  or just in an unhealthy environment?

[Harri]

Hi!  Isn't it great to know you have a safe place to come to?  Welcome back though I am sorry for the situation that brought you here.

What can I do and has anyone else been in this situation? At the end of the day, my heart breaks for her and I love her but she doesn't seem to realise what she's doing and the impact her behaviour has on others. She almost tore my only family members away from me. She caused so much friction at my uncles workplace that he had to ask her to leave. Staff members made formal complaints about her and blocked her off all social media. It's like a B Grade psychological thriller movie.

As you read here you will see there are many people who are in or have experienced similar situations.  Unfortunately there is little you can do directly to help her.  The best thing you can do is allow her to experience the natural consequences of her own behaviors while working on understanding the disorder and learning the tools so you can protect yourself and depersonalize, the best you can, some of her more difficult behaviors. 

I understand you do not want to go no contact with her.  You don't have to.  Not everyone wants to cut contact and that is okay.  It is a very personal decision.  You can make things better for yourself though as you maintain your relationship by learning to use some of the communication strategies offered here that can help to prevent conversations and situations from escalating sometimes.  This may allow you to say in contact with your sister and also allow you to maintain contact with your nephew.  You can be a great source of stability and comfort for him.  How old is he?  Do you get to have time with him?

I hope you continue to post.  Are there any particular things you want to work on?

[TheAllBadOne]

Hi All

Thank you so much for your wonderful responses.

Turkish, my auntie and uncle are actually my biological family. It's a very long story. I was adopted when I was 10 so I already had a relationship with everyone. This was sort of continued after I moved into my new family home.

I still have contact with my nephew. He's only 3 so I'm hoping she can get help and start to live a semi normal life before things get out of hand.

Speck, thank you for clarifying the empathy/damage component. I just find it almost unbelievable that they can do / say so many horrible things without a thought about the people they've hurt. It borders on psychopathic.

I've been doing lots of reading about BPD (I've already read 'Walking on Eggshells' and 'Understanding The Borderline Mother' and I'm clutching at straws trying to figure out how to make her see what she's doing. She actually doesn't think she ever does anything upsetting. She believes my auntie and uncle had it in for her which is why she had to leave. It's beyond me how she can't understand why. Even when I said 'Why did everyone block you on social media? There must be a reason' she insinuated that my auntie and uncle turned everyone against her! It's madness.

So, if she doesn't want to admit to a problem can I suggest seeing a shrink to deal with her anxiety (she knows she has that) and maybe have a confidential discussion with the shrink? Am I allowed to do that ethically? Like I said, she will lie like no tomorrow to make it look like she hasn't done anything wrong.

I am being very mindful with her so I'm not caught up in this mess again. I can't handle another smear campaign. I have a 7 month old baby, a little boy and I run a business. So I'm more than overloaded myself. I've learnt that I need to validate her, not discuss anything too personal and be kind. When she has an episode though she calls me 12+ times a day. It's exhausting! I don't want her to get to that place again.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. Thanks again everyone and if you have any tips about the shrink situation that would be great.

[Harri]

So, if she doesn't want to admit to a problem can I suggest seeing a shrink to deal with her anxiety (she knows she has that) and maybe have a confidential discussion with the shrink? Am I allowed to do that ethically? Like I said, she will lie like no tomorrow to make it look like she hasn't done anything wrong.

Suggesting therapy to help her with her anxiety is okay.  I would not talk to her therapist though.  Any good therapist, preferably with a PhD, will be able to see through any lies or distortions.  The challenge is to keep pwBPD in therapy.  It is rare that therapy will work for anyone who has not made the choice on their own.  So since she is aware of her anxiety and is she thinks she could use some help that is a way to get her in the office.  

[Speck]

Hello again, TheAllBadOne:

Just checking in to see about you.

How have things been going?


-Speck