I wish I could turn back time

[hope2727]

Hello all,

Thinking of everyone here today. I am sitting in a 2 day seminar to begin the journey to become certified in DBT. How weird is it that 5 years ago I didn’t know what DBT was, what BPD is, that I wouldn’t get into the professional program I had worked so hard toward for so long, that I wouldn’t marry my beloved ex with BPD.  Yet here I am. Sitting in this conference. Trying to pay attention... .(the ADHD is strong with this one). Working to complete my masters in psychology which was on my bottom 10 things I would have predicted pursuing as a profession. Life is funny that way. Man plans and god laughs.

To top it off today is my beloved ex’s  birthday. It is the season he begins his annual massive cycle of seasonal dysregulation that culminates in his complete breakdown in the first week of May.  I am also sitting in the hotel we escaped to and having lunch at our restaurant where we had our amazing first and many other powerfully special dates. Nothing like a little trauma echo to make you realize how deeply your experiences have impacted you.

This course has taught me so much. It has also pointed out to me how much I have learned on these boards. This resource is invaluable. I sincerely appreciate all the effort that goes into keeping the information science based, reliable and accurate. We have so much to learn but we have all learned so much.


All this learning is a journey. I wish it had come to me earlier. It came to late for me and my partner. It may not have been enough regardless. He has to want to heal I can’t do it for him. But I wish I could turn back time and wrap him in my arms and tell him how loved and understood he is. I wish I could hold his hand and go on one of our long walks and just hear him. I wish I could even just write him and tell him I’m sorry and I understand. But I can’t. I am black to him and it would only cause us both pain. So instead I’ll tell you guys and pretend he can hear it.

“Darling. You are so so loved. I am so sorry you hurt so deeply. I am sorry you have to work so very hard ALL THE TIME to understand and manage your emotions that other people just do naturally. It’s not fair. You are a wonderful amazing person. You deserve to be happy. You deserve all the love you crave.  I wish it was with me that you still sought it because I still love you. I know you are gone and I accept this as fact. But I DO love you. We all love you. So on this your birthday I am sending all my love and best wishes for the coming year. You are so loved my dear. Happy birthday have a great day. XOXO”

[Insom]

Wow, hope2727!  Thanks for sharing.  This is a great story and loving tribute to someone who clearly mattered to you.    I can relate to what it feels like to remember birthdays.  You are not alone. 

It sounds like this relationship was the start of an extraordinary journey for you career-wise.  Would you care to share a bit about the path you took from your BPD relationship to becoming certified in DBT?

[hope2727]

There is really not much to tell. I have a long career in another profession. I was finishing a second science degree at the time the relationship ended. After wallowing for about a year in shock and dismay I was summarily informed I had to get off my ass by my best friend. So I randomly applied to a Masters of Psychology program my own psychologist thought I should pursue. I had ZERO interest in the profession and was only applying to refresh my interview skills. (Interviewing for professional programs is its own unique skill set.)

Darned if I didn't get in. I refused the position but was talked into trying the program. Every week for the first year I left class calling aforementioned best friend telling her I was quitting. Every week she told me "nope" I was finishing it. Now I have to much time and money invested to not finish so I am.

The DBT training is simply a way to accrue more training and prepare for my comprehensive exams. It just happens to be held in the hotel my ex and I frequented regularly and on his birthday. Ahhh life is a strange and wonderful thing.

As for using the training or even the degree for that matter, I have no idea if will or not. I want to complete my program, do my research and write my thesis. I will write the licensing exams and after that I have no plan. Perhaps I will start a unicorn farm or sell sea shells by the sea shore. Who knows. 

[heartandwhole]

Wow, hope2727, talk about fate! Very interesting developments.

Thank you for sharing your journey and the very moving words to your ex-partner. It sounds like you have come so far, and I have no doubt that your experience will help others, should you decide to pursue work in the field.

I was recently contacted by pwBPD (it’s been 6 years) and I haven’t responded, as I just don’t know what to say. The kindness in your words makes me feel like I may be able to manage a response. I’m going to reflect on it.

Life is, indeed, full of surprises. I wish you all the best in your studies.

What’s impressed you the most about DBT?

heartandwhole

[hope2727]

Well in truth what impressed me was the speaker managing a huge, diverse audience and her time almost down to the minute. I have attended soo many of these seminars over the years in my previous profession and they can be painfully boring and run significantly behind.

As for the DBT itself. I am repeatedly stuck at how much of it seems like common sense or simply the things my mother taught me from a young age. Thanks mom. I kept hearing her voice as the speaker described doing DBT therapy. When they played video of the presenter doing therapy with a client I was like "yup its my mom all over again." Things like emotions come and go puts me in mind of my moms description of life being like riding up and down a country road full of hills and valleys. There are highs and lows but just keep going. Also her "life is not fair get over it speech". But mostly about accepting things for what they are and only changing yourself. Or to go run around the house 3 times or clean the barn when I was overly emotional. All these concepts have been drilled into me with moderate success since early childhood. So much of DBT as a therapeutic model seems like (re)parenting to me. That does clash with my biochem background that leads me to lean toward genetics as the predominant cause for most of life's variances. I am totally a genetics and physiological/medical model of mental heath person. Sorry all you psychoanalytic people out there. I do see your post but it just isn't congruent with who I intrinsically am. As for practicing with a DBT model ... .in truth I am much more of a REBT therapist in my personality. But the two methods play well together most days. I tend to think of DBT as the love child of a passionate affair between REBT and ACT.     DBT picks up the slack where REBT runs out of road.

As for the name change on this thread, I find it misrepresentative of my own emotions and intention while writing it. I wouldn't turn back time per say because I wouldn't know all this. I would love to tell him all this now today and have him actually hear me. But he can't (or won't) so I radically accept that and just wish him love and peace. I am just constantly struck by the irony of life and how our journey's take us in the most unexpected directions. I NEVER wanted to be a psychologist. Most days I still don't. In fact I just finished applying for yet another program, after this degree, that suits my passions more accurately. However, I have gained (am gaining) a great deal from this degree. I am curious as to where it will lead me in the end. I have even considered a Phd in psychology if I could do research that engaged me. Its just such a weird twist of fate to end up where I am.

The whole situation has been so random and unexpected that I am now living my life by serendipity. I make no firm plans, make few absolute decisions and just let things happen as they do. Its weird and very different for a total planner. However it is freeing too.

Anyway I hope everyone is well and happy. There is much good information on these boards. keep reading, keep posting, and keep learning. Life can be good and happy again. And our people with BPD are just that, people first. We all came here for a reason. Most of us love them and just want the best for them and ourselves.

So with that I have to go work on a term paper   Good night all.

[Insom]

It just happens to be held in the hotel my ex and I frequented regularly and on his birthday. Ahhh life is a strange and wonderful thing.

Indeed!  How are you doing now that you're back to your regular routine and the poignancy of being in "your" hotel on his birthday has passed?

[hope2727]

My life's WAY to busy to think about it much. I work full time, am completing a Masters degree and am busy trying to get my house sold. It is what it is and time marches on.