Going through divorce and FOG

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi. I'm currently going through a divorce with my uBPDw. I left just after the holidays because of threats of suicide, self-harm, her isolating us from friends/family, her screaming at me that she hates me, wants to leave me, throwing her wedding ring at me etc. It just became evident to me that no matter how much I love her, I would never be able to save her; she never did take therapy seriously. I was terrified that I'd come home and find her dead but after 10 years, I'd finally accepted that it was out of my hands.

In the months after I left, she basically stalked me. I had to go from hotel to hotel to bed and breakfasts, you name it, to not be found. Eventually I moved in with a friend and when she found out, she sent angry texts to him for daring to help me out. My lawyer had to send her a cease and desist... .She tried to get friends/family to turn against me, but it didn't work out the way she had hoped. You'd think that would just be a good thing, but it was actually quite difficult to watch... .I did love her... and still do in a way. Watching things go badly for her was incredibly painful.

This past week was the first time I'd seen her since I left in January and she hasn't reached out to me in a month or so. We had a preliminary court hearing and it was soul-crushing to see her in person. I couldn't help but shed tears as I answered the questions that my lawyer asked me in front of the judge. When I left the courthouse and got to my car, I broke down and wept.

Given all of the horrible things that have happened, I don't understand my own feelings... .I miss her... .the good times, anyway. She sent me an email this past weekend, despite being told by my lawyer to cease all contact. In it, she said how much she loves me and that she's sorry if she ever made me feel like my feelings were worth less than hers. Sorry that she couldn't give me children. I'm so tempted to write back to console her, but I'm determined not to.

I know I can never go back... .that the thing I miss doesn't exist anymore and never will again. But it is SO painful letting go... .

This email is really tearing me up... .This eventually goes away, right?

[utnapishtim428]

Hi. I'm currently going through a divorce with my uBPDw. I left just after the holidays because of threats of suicide, self-harm, her isolating us from friends/family, her screaming at me that she hates me, wants to leave me, throwing her wedding ring at me etc. It just became evident to me that no matter how much I love her, I would never be able to save her; she never did take therapy seriously. I was terrified that I'd come home and find her dead but after 10 years, I'd finally accepted that it was out of my hands.

In the months after I left, she basically stalked me. I had to go from hotel to hotel to bed and breakfasts, you name it, to not be found. Eventually I moved in with a friend and when she found out, she sent angry texts to him for daring to help me out. My lawyer had to send her a cease and desist... .She tried to get friends/family to turn against me, but it didn't work out the way she had hoped. You'd think that would just be a good thing, but it was actually quite difficult to watch... .I did love her... and still do in a way. Watching things go badly for her was incredibly painful.

This past week was the first time I'd seen her since I left in January and she hasn't reached out to me in a month or so. We had a preliminary court hearing and it was soul-crushing to see her in person. I couldn't help but shed tears as I answered the questions that my lawyer asked me in front of the judge. When I left the courthouse and got to my car, I broke down and wept.

Given all of the horrible things that have happened, I don't understand my own feelings... .I miss her... .the good times, anyway. She sent me an email this past weekend, despite being told by my lawyer to cease all contact. In it, she said how much she loves me and that she's sorry if she ever made me feel like my feelings were worth less than hers. Sorry that she couldn't give me children. I'm so tempted to write back to console her, but I'm determined not to.

I know I can never go back... .that the thing I miss doesn't exist anymore and never will again. But it is SO painful letting go... .

This email is really tearing me up... .This eventually goes away, right?

[Speck]

Welcome, utnapishtim428!



I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the discussion forums. Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that is important. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

Hi. I'm currently going through a divorce with my uBPDw. but after 10 years, I'd finally accepted that it was out of my hands.

It sounds like you are having a really tough time. I'm sorry for that and glad you have found a place which can help you gain the answers that you seek. I just went through this myself. I, too, had a 10-year relationship with someone with uBPD that culminated in a necessary divorce, so, I know how tough this is for you, my friend. You are NOT alone. No, in fact, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as far as coping or healing from a relationship tainted with BPD.

I know I can never go back... .that the thing I miss doesn't exist anymore and never will again. But it is SO painful letting go... .This email is really tearing me up... .This eventually goes away, right?

Yes, the pain eventually goes away, but letting go is a process, and this will take time. We can help you with that. By tuning in here as often as you're able, you will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice. You will be amazed.

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstances similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[rj47]

Your story resonates for a lot of us and is very similar to my experience.

We sat together at the court hearing and had tears together, but it was over for us. What I carried was "grief". You never stop caring even if you never want to go back. The destruction in my case was far too much to overcome the memory of the good. I hopefully evolved into a better person on that perilous journey.

Consoling her is probably not the best thing for either of you if you're reasonably certain about the decisions you made. We recently became cordial but I avoid being drawn into discussions about my ex improving emotional condition, the mistakes, or discussion about our shared past. It's where it belongs. I encourage, but remain distant.

Its in our nature to be empathetic, to rescue even; especially knowing that its a terrible condition they deal with. I made the mistake of trying to be a friend and supportive during and after the split, but it only amplified the swings from sorrow to rage and back again. So I went no contact for a long time. Still scares me greatly though. The old memories are powerful reminders.

You've only been out for a few months, in the midst of something incredbly painful, and likely full of doubts... .FOG. It does get better with time. Even likely to go away eventually. 

All my best to you.

[spero]

Hey there utnapishtim428!, i join Speck in welcoming you to this sub-board.

Hi. I'm currently going through a divorce with my uBPDw. I left just after the holidays because of threats of suicide, self-harm, her isolating us from friends/family, her screaming at me that she hates me, wants to leave me, throwing her wedding ring at me etc. It just became evident to me that no matter how much I love her, I would never be able to save her; she never did take therapy seriously. I was terrified that I'd come home and find her dead but after 10 years, I'd finally accepted that it was out of my hands.

I am really sorry for the situation you are in. It must be so painful and heartbreaking... it must really suck to even have your wedding ring, a symbol of promise and commitment to be thrown at you. I can only imagine how that must have felt.

You would find many in this community who'd share similar experiences to what you have been going through. I hope that as you spend time on the boards, it would be for itself a process for you. It is as you say, "no matter how much you love her, you'd never be able to save her." When I had reached that place months ago, it was a sense of helplessness, a kind of crushing defeat where sometimes we think that we've failed. Perhaps you may have at one point in time felt that same sense of hopelessness, powerlessness and helplessness. For that, my heart goes out to you.

In the months after I left, she basically stalked me. I had to go from hotel to hotel to bed and breakfasts, you name it, to not be found. Eventually I moved in with a friend and when she found out, she sent angry texts to him for daring to help me out. My lawyer had to send her a cease and desist... .She tried to get friends/family to turn against me, but it didn't work out the way she had hoped. You'd think that would just be a good thing, but it was actually quite difficult to watch... .I did love her... and still do in a way. Watching things go badly for her was incredibly painful.

It is as you say, that it is really painful to see a loved one implode and perhaps even self-destruct. It is a really difficult place to someone whom you'd love and care for deeply just go down a destructive path and yet be unable to do anything to "save" or to ease the situation. What you've been observing above is probably that sense of deep fear of abandonment, a deep sense of desperation. I'm sorry for the anger that your partner is trying to project on you and even the "gaslighting" or "story spinning". Many of us do find ourselves at a place where we've been so depleated and drained that we have to disengage/leave for our own safety, mental and emotional well being.

We had a preliminary court hearing and it was soul-crushing to see her in person. I couldn't help but shed tears as I answered the questions that my lawyer asked me in front of the judge. When I left the courthouse and got to my car, I broke down and wept.

I am so sorry that you had to go through this, and to even have an RO against your loved one. It is so painful to have to enforce a boundary and separation because she isn't able to understand what a "boundary" is. utnapishtim428, it is only human to have emotions and to have wept. No one here is ever going to fault you for that.

Given all of the horrible things that have happened, I don't understand my own feelings... .I miss her... .the good times, anyway. She sent me an email this past weekend, despite being told by my lawyer to cease all contact. In it, she said how much she loves me and that she's sorry if she ever made me feel like my feelings were worth less than hers. Sorry that she couldn't give me children. I'm so tempted to write back to console her, but I'm determined not to.

utnapishtim428, given that things are so fresh right now, and you've just gone through a whole series of events, adding to the fact that you've been with her for 10 years. You'd miss her. It is only natural because we are emotional creatures and that is part of our wiring. Our brain misses how we've felt during the "good times", the rush of dopamine and all the other chemicals in the brain, especially when we're bonding with a mate, more so if you've made love and all. It is just ... .going to take time. But do go easy on yourself, it is really going to take time.

I know I can never go back... .that the thing I miss doesn't exist anymore and never will again. But it is SO painful letting go... .

This email is really tearing me up... .This eventually goes away, right?

We hear you utnapishtim428, you must be in so much hurt and heartbreak... .It is just painful. I hope that this place would be a "safe" place for you to just express how you feel and know that you don't need to hold back while you're hanging around here. Seeing where you are right now, Just do take it easy.

We're here to hear you out.

Take good care.

Spero

[Lucky Jim]

Hey utn, I can relate as I've been in your shoes.  Of course it's painful to part ways after 10 years together, so give yourself a break.  I suggest you simply accept your feelings and allow yourself to experience them, without the need to take any action, before letting them pass.  No, you can't save someone who fundamentally would rather not be saved.  It has nothing to do with any lack of love on your part.  That's the hard thing about BPD: love doesn't conquer all when BPD is involved.  Just the way it is, my friend.  Many of us, including me, have been down this road before you, so keep us posted.

LuckyJim

[Speck]

Hello again, utnapishtim428:

How have things been going for you? Just checking in.

We are always here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[utnapishtim428]

    Thanks so much for the support... .The emotional turmoil I'm going through is sort of coming in waves; I'll be fine for a week or two and then I'll be reminded of her and it all comes flooding back. After I left it was excruciating but the dominant emotion coming from her was anger and that was frankly easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, there were moments when she left voicemails saying "Please just call me, I love you and I just want to hear your voice." But then she would track me down and yell at the person I'm staying with or trash talk to me to all of my friends... .so it was easy to not feel bad or feel guilty because the rage was easy to dismiss emotionally.
    Her email I think was solely focused on the OG in FOG and those are the ones that are my kryptonite. She talked about me being her soulmate. Saying that I left her because she can't have children even though I assured her I never would (we'd been trying to have a child for about a year and a half), that she doesn't understand how we got to a point where we can't even talk etc. It's incredible that seeing her in court for like 30 minutes and one email can leave me so emotionally drained.

an excerpt from her email:

"It hurts me that you felt like you couldn’t be honest and talk to me about things and tell me how you felt and what was going on with you. That you had to keep things bottled up until you couldn’t take it anymore. It sucks, cause I feel like a lot of this could have been prevented if we would have communicated with each other. I am always interested in how you feel because you are my partner in life. You are my equal and we are a team. How you feel and what you think is just as important as my feelings and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like they weren’t because that is not true and that was never my intentions."

ugh... .it confuses me emotionally and makes me want to reach out to her and save her, but I know that would be bad... .Just have to be strong here I guess... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey utnapish, Agree, it can be confusing, but No, you can't save her, sad to say, because on some fundamental level she would rather not be saved.

she would track me down and yell at the person I'm staying with or trash talk to me to all of my friends... .so it was easy to not feel bad or feel guilty because the rage was easy to dismiss emotionally.

I can relate.  My BPDxW was so angry and unkind when we separated that she made the process easier for me.  She blasted me at every opportunity so it confirmed to me that I was doing the right thing.

LJ

[Cromwell]

Hey utnapish, Agree, it can be confusing, but No, you can't save her, sad to say, because on some fundamental level she would rather not be saved.

I can relate.  My BPDxW was so angry and unkind when we separated that she made the process easier for me.  She blasted me at every opportunity so it confirmed to me that I was doing the right thing.

LJ

thanks so much for mentioning this LuckyJim, id like to just confirm and add to this how valuable I have also found this way of thinking.

When I finally got over the actual shock of the deeply hurtful things my ex had said and done to me, and they cut at the time to the core, she knew my weakness and it was as if she took maximum strength to the weakest point. It was devastating.

Yet in time, I look back after getting out of the trapped circle of pain and hurt, that I acknowledged more the importance that it was her intention to deliberately make me that upset and feel this way. Seems obvious on the face of it, but at the time, all I was doing was responding to the things she did and the shock of it all. I also dont feel anywhere near as hurt about it anymore because it is part of my own defiance now to allow what she has done to be carried with me and as LuckyJim mentions, it helped by showing her true colours that this is a major reason why I dont want this person in my life anymore, who was capable of wanting and succeeding in hurting me to the level she did.

[utnapishtim428]

New development:

We still have a joint checking account that I put money into while we're going through the divorce process so she's not without any support. I noticed today that there were some out of state charges... .I thought that was odd but I'm sure she probably just needed to get out of town?

Well, sitting at home at 11 PM and I noticed a missed call on my phone from an out of state number. I googled the number and the name associated with the phone is my stbxuBPDw's friend from school... .That girl's family is from the state that the account charges were made in. The pieces quickly fell into place; good thing I screen my calls even after almost 4 months.

I guess the part in the email she wrote me a few weeks ago where she mentioned that she'd respect my choice if I didn't want to talk to her anymore was... .less than genuine?

I'm tired of going back and forth on the emotional rollercoaster. Anger, guilt, sadness, frustration repeat. Over and over... .