National Sibling day? I'm just a weird anomaly.

[isilme]

So really long story as short as possible - both my parents are BPD/toxic/terribly dysfunctional as far as being in my life.  I have been NC with my sociopath dad since he kicked me out at 19 (I am now 41), and bipolar mom since about 2010.  They were physically abusive, emotionally abusive, Mom is a substance abuser that Dad enabled and made me her caretaker, and yes, they grossly engaged in covert sexual abuse.  All in all, they were just unfit to be parents. 

They both had children from previous relationships - Dad has two sons with wife #1.  My mother was wife #2, he moved on in the 90s to wife #3.  Mom got pregnant out of wedlock in the late 60s in a rural area and gave up her baby for adoption.  He has since found me after his files were unsealed when he was in his 30s and I was in my 20s. 

Dad was a deadbeat dad to my brothers on his side - he had to have his wages garnished to pay their child support.  They apparently met me as a baby, but I did not meet them until I was 15, and then only sporadically as Dad made it all weird and uncomfortable. 

So I have three older half-brothers, but they are all essentially strangers who I sometimes talk to on Facebook, and try to send Christmas cards to and wish happy birthday. 

As an only child of my parents' marriage, isolated in a house with the two crazy BPD people they were, I wanted desperately for my dad's sons to come live with us so I would not be alone, while at the same time feeling fear and guilt over having him (ha, great prize) while they did not.  I am scared and awkward around anyone related to my dad, as he was very abusive not just physically, but he liked mind games, shaming me and knew how to control me like a puppet, and I do think he often enjoyed causing me pain (I think he killed my cat, after looking at how it died many years later).  I was never able to be close to my brothers growing up, living states away from all of them with taboos about talking about them and never having any contact with them, and have not managed to get past my fears and try to forge any relationship as an adult.   

Anyway, it's stupid, but there was a post today by the middle brother on dad's side of him and the older brother as children.  "National sibling day - here's my brother!"  And it bothered me enough I had to come write.  I used to carry the one photo I had of them around in my pocket when I was 7, to prove somehow to other kids I had siblings, too, they just lived far away.  I got picked on for lots of things, being an only child was one of them.  Being weird from having BPD parents didn't help.  But I don't really have a family. 

My parents are alive, but they don't exist, they are just people who hurt me and I can't be around them.  I don't have siblings, not the way other people do.  I am just this weird person people seem to like okay to be friends with, but no one who is supposed to be "family" has ever seen worthy of much attention or time.  I guess time to time I will still feel that sting of neglect and mourn the family I never got to have.  H's family has issues, but they have always been kind to me, and as supportive as they know how.  My friends' parents have always been nice to me, and I think now, some even were aware I living in a terrible place and invited me to come live with them, but in my Stockholm's fear I never saw it until much later. 

Sorry, a stupid facebook post made me cry and I needed to write about it.  I know nothing was meant by it.  It would never occur to middle-brother that I'd even figure into it.  It's jsut me. 

[Harri]

Hi Isilme.   

It's okay to cry.  As I was reading your story I was mostly thinking of how many lost opportunities you had as a child to get to know your brothers.  That is on your parents.  I hope you know that.  None of this is a reflection on you.  Not knowing your siblings is because of your parents.

Being weird from having BPD parents didn't help.  But I don't really have a family.

Can you see how impossible it was with the cards you were dealt? 

[Speck]

Thank you for sharing this touching post, isilme:

My parents are alive, but they don't exist, they are just people who hurt me and I can't be around them.

I totally understand this. I grew up in a similar home with a uNPDm + weak father. After 23 years of constant CrazyTown, I had to let them go. That moment was 23 years ago this year.

It's okay to cry. This stuff still hurts.


-Speck

[aquarianspirit]

My parents are alive, but they don't exist, they are just people who hurt me and I can't be around them.  I don't have siblings, not the way other people do.  I am just this weird person people seem to like okay to be friends with, but no one who is supposed to be "family" has ever seen worthy of much attention or time.  I guess time to time I will still feel that sting of neglect and mourn the family I never got to have. 

Dear Isilme,

First of all please don't apologize. Your feelings are valid and social media has a funny way of pouring salt on your existing wounds whenever the "holidays" come around ,whether its Christmas or National Siblings Day. I know our experiences may be very different, but I too come from a very dysfunctional family dynamic where I never felt I belonged. It is really tough to maintain relationships with anyone when those first foundational relationships (parents and siblings) were robbed from us. The most important thing is you are aware. You've created a boundary for yourself. It sounds like there are other people in your life who see your value and love you for who you are. Keep those people close to you. We can't get through this alone. Stay strong 

[Turkish]

It's sad when you desire a relationship that another person can't or won't reciprocate. Like you raid,  nothing was likely meant by it,  but it still hurts.  You realize it has nothing to do with you,  but it still feels like it.  I know we're a bunch of people on the Internet,  but we will be brothers and sisters with you in spirit just the same isilme  

Turkish

[isilme]

Thank you all.  I really appreciate the fact that people here can understand.  I couldn't even communicate with my H about this, because even with the issues his family has within itself, he has a hard time understanding things like this.  He grew up with all his siblings, and even though his mom divorced his birth dad early on when he was 4, her second husband did not blink an eye at fully adopting H and his older sister as his own.