When I got home, my family was gone | Part 1

[DaddyBear77]

(how's that for a dramatic title, huh?  )

Unfortunately, though, it's the truth. Last night I was on the west coast, having dinner with a couple of amazing friends right before I caught the redeye flight back east. Right as we were about to pay the check and head our separate ways, I look at my phone and see I've got an e-mail and a text from my wife.

Here's what she said:

DaddyBear,

I have filed for divorce. The papers will be served this week.

To give us both some time to process this, I have taken our daughter with my mother to a nearby vacation rental and will return next week.

Please direct any further questions or communications to my attorney's office.

Please confirm receipt of this message

Through some incredible twist of fate, the two guys I was sitting with are in VERY similar relationship situations, so they immediately got it. They asked me a few questions, trying to figure out if this was real or just a bluff. I suspected it was real, and knew to expect an empty house when I got home.

And, that's exactly what I've got. My wife, daughter, and even the dog are apparently gone for a week.

In my head, I had LOTS of scenarios of how this would go down. Most of them involved a discussion late at night between my wife and I. A mutual decision that it was time to end things. Maybe a hug or at least some compassionate understanding. In the next few days I had imagined a conversation with our daughter, together, about what was happening next. She'd have questions, we'd try and answer. She would know she was loved and feel supported. We'd each spend some time with her, maybe go get some ice cream or a treat of some sort.

But, I was wrong. Now my wife has my daughter, who I can only imagine is wondering all sorts of things about where Dad is. Daddy left on a business trip and now he's gone? Why isn't Daddy on vacation with us? Why are we taking a vacation like this?

I have no idea how quickly they left or how it all played out. I was only gone for 2 days, and the house isn't emptied out or anything. But I also went downstairs to the play room and noticed, eerily, that my daughter's musical keyboard was still playing the demo music on a loop.

So anyway, I've contacted my lawyer and am anxiously awaiting her call back. I really have no idea what to do or how to do it. I really am in shock. My family knows and I'll probably try and have dinner with my brother if there's nothing else I can do about my daughter.

I did NOT expect things to drop like this - back in February, if you recall, I had a suspicion something was brewing after my wife removed her ring and blocked her social media. But then two months go by with almost no interactive conversations whatsoever. I thought we were trying to regroup, that we'd have some more to talk about once we let things cool down a bit.

But... .

Now that I'm here, I have decided what I am going to do.

Friends, this is the last personal post I'll be making on the Conflicted board. I have decided to proceed fully through the divorce and move on to Detaching. I have no idea what will happen along this journey, but it's time I face the truth I have known for a while. I still love my soon-to-be-ex-wife very much, and I wish so many things had been different. But they weren't. They were exactly what they were.

And that's that. I am very grateful for everyone's support. Please come find me as I continue my journey and I look forward to meeting all of you wherever you are.

~DaddyBear
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 1
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 2
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 3
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 4
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 5
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 6

[Turkish]

Have you been able to talk to your daughter? That is separate from the divorce verbiage.  Oh man, empty house, that must be a killer. 

[BasementDweller]

Oh, DB, I am so sorry. This must be indescribably upsetting for you. It's always impossible to predict what a pwBPD will do, and how far they will take things and for how long. Is it possible that your trip made her feel abandoned and she went a bit off the deep end? Is it possible she will cool down after a week away? If you give her her space and don't act too shocked, might she level off and be open to talk? Would you want to reconcile if it were possible? You do have a right to see your daughter, even if your wife is upset. Like Turkish said - that's a whole separate issue.

[DaddyBear77]

Thanks Turkish and BasementDweller, I'll answer the last question first

Would you want to reconcile if it were possible?

No. I've decided it's time to move forward. I had been contemplating this myself for a long time, and I believe this is the push I've been looking for.

As for the rest of your questions, I don't think this one particular incident had much to do with it. I think this has been planned for the past 2 months. I believe this is why things shifted dramatically, and I believe she just waited for the right time to execute her plan.

Have you been able to talk to your daughter?

Turkish, no, I have not. I am unsure as to whether I should pressure my wife or mother in law to let me speak to her. I am going to wait for legal advice before I proceed. I don't want any move on my part to be seen as aggressive , stalking, or in any way abusive. That's the last thing I need. And I'm fairly certain my daughter is physically safe - my wife has always been very protective and also my mother in law is there to support them.

[BasementDweller]

I'm sorry to hear this. I know you really tried for a long time to make things work. I hope you are able to find peace soon, and a good resolution regarding your daughter. 

[Red5]

DaddyBear77,

Very sorry to hear this news Brother, .even when we know and expect this, it is still a shock when it finally comes to pass.

This happened to me about twelve years ago when my first marriage ended, same deal, I came home from a deployment (Japan) and she was gone, house a wreck, kids were teenagers then, she left two sons at my mothers, and my daughter was with with her... .even the family dog, which he still lives with us to this day, she hauled off to my mums with my two sons... .

Know that we are all right here listening, please take good care of yourself, and its time to activate your contingency plan now, keep a good head on your shoulders, ensure you rest, eat, and get out and exercise... .self protect, self protect, self protect !

You contacted your lawyer, and your lawyer is a female?... .if so good, I also had a female lawyer, and I believe in child custody facets, and the nuts and bolts of the divorce, it is indeed prudent, and preferred to have a female lawyer on your side.

Take it one day at a time, and start keeping up that journal, be careful of any and all communications, and interactions... .you probably already know the drill here, .record, journal, collect, protect finances... .but very important to protect yourself in all matters concerned,

Be a good Daddy to your little one, and take good care of your self.

Keep us posted, we are right here here listening,

Red5

[Skip]

Take your half of the cash out of the bank.

I'm sorry to hear this played out so coldly. It has to hurt. You are handling it well.

[Insom]

Oh, DaddyBear!  Hugs.    This all sounds hard.  While you weren't entirely unprepared, it sound like you didn't get the cooperative, goodbye scenario you'd envisioned.  I can relate to how intense it feels to be in a relationship with an emotionally volatile person with control issues. 

My family knows and I'll probably try and have dinner with my brother if there's nothing else I can do about my daughter.

Oh, good.  It's great that you've reached out.   

I am going to wait for legal advice before I proceed. I don't want any move on my part to be seen as aggressive , stalking, or in any way abusive. That's the last thing I need.

This sounds wise.  Even though you're not seeking to reconcile, I like BasementDweller's cool-down advice because it's all about your relationship with your kiddo at this point.  She is going to need you to remain steadily paternal. 

[Speck]

Dear DB77,

Wow... .I'm so sorry to hear that things have turned out the way they have for you. Even though deep down, you probably knew that things may ultimately end in divorce, I know it's a painful blow to get emailed divorce intentions and then to come home to an empty house. It's also quite humiliating to be regarded in such a manner. I am sorry, my brother.

I think this has been planned for the past 2 months. I believe this is why things shifted dramatically, and I believe she just waited for the right time to execute her plan.

It would seem that our pwBPD do appear to do things in the most dramatic way possible. I, too, know what it's like to come home to an empty house. My uBPDxw abruptly left me after securing the money (asking for a check and getting it in full) for our kid's senior year boarding school tuition and just TWO days after completing her own advanced college degree. It was planned, you see. Boom. Gone.

Would you want to reconcile if it were possible?

No. I've decided it's time to move forward. I had been contemplating this myself for a long time, and I believe this is the push I've been looking for.

I admire the way you have hung in there giving your marriage every opportunity to succeed. I did the same, however, I understand this "push" well. After my uBPDxw left me the fourth (and final) time, I watched her divorce me without protest. Four times is enough... .that was my push.

Friends, this is the last personal post I'll be making on the Conflicted board. I have decided to proceed fully through the divorce and move on to Detaching.

Understood. Looks like we'll be seeing more of you on Detaching.

I know you're probably walking around the quiet house in a little daze right now, but try to eat well and get adequate sleep in the coming days. I suspect the drama is only going to get worse.

You are the very first person who reached out to me when I joined bpdfamily. You did it by PM, and I really appreciated your words. Because of them, I stayed and participated in this forum because I could sense that you are ardent, genuine, and kind... .as is everyone here.

We are with you every step of the way.


-Speck

[wendydarling]

DB77

I'm so sorry, it's a shock even if knowing it was coming somehow, it hurts.

Keep the light shining bright for you and your daughter as you always have, that was my approach 30 years ago, still is today.

It does get better as we do, loving, kind parents  

WDx

[formflier]

DB77,

Sorry man!      Make sure and get good legal advice... .

FF

[ortac77]

DB

Sorry it has come to this but you sound strong and determined for yourself which is good and am glad you are getting legal advice because it is so important that you get the right solution for you and your daughter.

We are all here for you

In Peace

[Fian]

So is it legal to take your child without any agreement from the spouse?  Or can this be considered kidnapping?  Personally I would be asking to see my child within 24 hours.

[Tattered Heart]

So so sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine how much of a shock this is. I know that you have tried so hard to make things work. I hope you don't beat yourself up thinking you didn't do enough because you did.

Take some time for you. There is no rush on making decisions about how to proceed. If you need anything we are here to help.

[mama-wolf]

Hi DB,

I just want to chime in with the rest... .I'm so sorry you're going through this.  You have been working so hard to give things a chance, while also making sure you take care of yourself and maintain your relationship with your daughter.   Sometimes with my uBPDw, it feels like the more I take care of myself and the more improvement is evident in my mental, emotional, and physical well-being, the more threatened she feels.  It's what has subtly sabotaged my attempts at establishing healthy boundaries and pursuing self-care over the years.

I really hope you get to see your daughter soon, and that the the divorce proceedings are not made unnecessarily painful by your wife.  I'm nearing the end of my own marriage, and the prospect of navigating that very territory is definitely a source of anxiety for me.  We're here for you, and I will look for your updates as you move through detaching from the relationship.

mw

[DaddyBear77]

Take your half of the cash out of the bank.

My wife beat me to it. At least I got the mortgage paid before she noticed.

So is it legal to take your child without any agreement from the spouse?

My attorney didn't seem to think so, but I certainly have the option of asking for her sooner. My attorney's suggestion was to make it clear that future overnight trips must be discussed ahead of time, and that when they return I will be taking a reciprocal amount of time with our daughter. I've already put in for the vacation days.

You contacted your lawyer, and your lawyer is a female?

Yes, she's the third I interviewed and the perfect mix of skills and compassion. I feel good so far.

Thanks so much for everyone's notes - it's been a busy day of getting things organized. I've got a couple more notes to send and loose ends to tie up, but I'm glad I had a plan I could put into place.

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself” - Franklin D. Roosevelt

[once removed]

oh DaddyBear, im sorry. this is an enormous shock.

i know "self care" becomes a platitude at times, but please treat yourself well at this time. soak in the support and care of family and friends, and us here. youre not alone in this.

[Lalathegreat]

Oh Daddybear, I’m so sorry to hear these latest developments. I’m glad you immediately sought legal advice and feel good about the plans you are making.

My relationship (as you know) ended as traumatically and suddenly as is possible. Absorbing the impact is a process that takes some time. I know it gets talked about a lot here, and I remember in the early days it felt impossible, but carving our time to take care of yourself is so important. Make sure you eat at mealtimes, supplement if eating becomes a challenge. If you exercise or have an activity that you enjoy, carve time out for it. Guard that time passionately.

I wish desperately that the outcome could have been different. I will continue to look for you on detaching. Hang in there my friend... .

Lala

[GaGrl]

Oh, DBear... .

I have suspected that her plan has been in place for a while. Still, it feels as if it she's instigated action a bit earlier than expected.

When is her grad program finished? I think much hinges on this.

In addition to posting on Detaching, it's time now to post on the Legal board... .good, practical strategy and advice there.

Many of us have been there. Please understand there is a Before, During, and After. You are now moving from Before to During. There will be years of After, so you need both short-term and long-term strategies.

[DaddyBear77]

When is her grad program finished? I think much hinges on this.

See? I had the same thought. Her school goes until January, so I thought she’d stall until then. We’d have a cool off period and maybe work something out.

Make sure you eat at mealtimes, supplement if eating becomes a challenge. If you exercise or have an activity that you enjoy, carve time out for it. Guard that time passionately.

Thank you so much lala - I did struggle to find my appetite today. Finally I forced myself to eat and perhaps overdid it. Tomorrow I’ll try and even things out.

I found myself wondering around the grocery store tonight, confused and lost! It was a weird surreal experience. A friend had posted about limited edition Unicorn fruit loops so I jumped in the car to grab some for D4. After looking for a minute I had wondered into the frozen isle and didn’t quite remember how I got there.

I’m pretty anxious tonight wondering if this “week off” is part of a plan to kick me out of the house. My attorney knows her attorney and told me once that my STBXw’s firm “wrote the book on using restraining orders to force fathers out.” I really hope that isn’t the case, but again, gotta have a plan and take action. I can’t let myself be caught flat footed.

Anyway, I need to try and sleep. Still gotta work tomorrow. Thank you again everyone

[Radcliff]

In my head, I had LOTS of scenarios of how this would go down. Most of them involved a discussion late at night between my wife and I. A mutual decision that it was time to end things. Maybe a hug or at least some compassionate understanding. In the next few days I had imagined a conversation with our daughter, together, about what was happening next. She'd have questions, we'd try and answer. She would know she was loved and feel supported. We'd each spend some time with her, maybe go get some ice cream or a treat of some sort.

DB, yes, certainly, I think many of us have this in our mind.  When my parents announced they were getting divorced, they sat my sister and I down together, explained things, did a pretty good job of presenting a united front.  Our realities seem so different from those of our pwBPD, and as couples we often seem so challenged to agree to any plan, it seems like this scenario is commonly what us "nons" are hoping for, but in many cases I've heard of, don't seem to get.  I am sorry.

The good news in all of this is the power of your relationship with your daughter.  She is at an age where she is not likely going to be inclined to pick sides.  She needs to see both parents as good.  So if you are a rock for her, friendly, caring, engaged, like you have been, and avoid saying anything to harm her regard for her mother, you and your daughter will do well.  What I'm really saying is that while in an adult mind the husband-wife, father-daughter, and mother-daughter bonds may be on the same order of magnitude of importance, I think to a kid, the father-daughter and mother-daughter bonds are 10X as important.  This is a big deal to her, no doubt, but if she feels safe in the love she feels from you and your wife, the marital dissolution is absolutely something she can weather well.  You may be quite surprised at how adaptable she is.

I've just started reading a book called ":)on't Alienate the Kids," by Bill Eddy.  I don't know enough about it yet to recommend it, but judging by how useful his "Splitting" book was, I'm optimistic that the book will show me ways I can support my daughters and my relationship with them as we whether our family's difficulties.

This is heavy news, there's no way around that.  But you are headed for a better place for certain, and this means you will get there sooner.

Keep us posted on how you're doing.  In the aftermath of separation, I experienced a crazy mix of loneliness, euphoria, peace, anxiety, anger, resentment, contentment, and a few other emotions!  We're here for you!

WW

[SlyQQ]

a word to the wise prepare for the worse a dvo application etc, and sorry to hear good luck.

[Enabler]

DB, this news saddens me greatly. Only days ago I was commending you on standing and staying, commending you on how your daughter was seeing your basement lounge as the family lounge. As you may know, my wife told me a little over a week ago that she had petitioned for divorce. My response was very "okay" and almost emotionless about the news. I was caught between 1/3 anger, 1/3 disappointment and 1/3 sadness which ultimately led me to be flat. This reaction wasn't what she expected and I think freaked her out.

You've had time to digest the news and get your ducks in a row regarding your next actions. Behind the scenes, internally and emotionally you can be in complete turmoil... .you're allowed that... .But now is the time to be cool as a cucumber, not ice cold, not harsh or aggressive... .just super super cool. Like a swan. EVERYTHING has to be a considered response, not a reaction. I very much hope that she does not go down the RO route, that would be upsetting not least because it would seem that you have a good relationship with your daughter, plus you are able to subdivide you home such that there is little need for significant interaction between yourself and your wife anyway... .but your daughter can interact between both parents freely.

I wish you all the best going forward and will keep up to date with your progress. Thank you for you words of advice and encouragement over the last year, always wise and considered words.

Enabler xx

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DB77, Returning to an empty house must have been quite a shock and I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  To me her actions seem like typical BPD drama.  Try to stay above the fray, is my suggestion, to the extent possible.  As hard as it is on you at the moment, I view it as a positive development to the extent that it allows you to close this chapter and move forward in a healthier direction.  In the meantime, I understand that it's likely to be rough sledding for a while.  I've been there, my friend; it's hard, yet leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[Radcliff]

Hey DB,

One way your situation is tough w.r.t. the concern of getting kicked out is that you don't know how much energy to put into preparing.  You could run around in a panic and stay up all night packing, or you could ignore it.  Both extremes are probably not good.

Are you making at least some modest preparations to get kicked out?  There's the obvious stuff, like any hidden journals, important papers, work clothes, work files and equipment, etc. to secure, but for me it was also important to secure some items like a treasured sweatshirt from a father-daughter event, etc. and other "feel good" items.

Do you have a friend who might loan you a shelf in their garage?  Can you rent a storage locker for a couple of months?  Remember, balance practicality with how you feel when deciding on how much effort to put into contingency activities.  If you overextend yourself, you'll be less effective.  On the other hand, securing some of your stuff might give you a feeling of peace and security.

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

I’m so sorry to read your note. I can only imagine it. My heart hurts for you, I can imagine I would feel that way too. Blessings to you,
Dig

[SunandMoon]

How awful to come home to an empty house, DB. Even if you were expecting something like this, it still must have been a terrible shock.

I'm glad you have a lawyer you feel comfortable with and are taking steps to protect yourself. I hope you also make the effort to be extra kind to yourself during this time... .you deserve it.
 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi DB,

So sorry that you've been faced with this and simultaneously I feel a sort of relief for you that this moment has come sooner rather than much later, if it would always have prompted you to decide what you have.  I'm glad to hear your resolve about doing what is right for you. 

What did your lawyer say about making attempts to communicate with your daughter this week?  It must be difficult for her to not hear from you and obviously vice versa.  How do you go about maintaining contact normally if you are away for work for example?  When things went south for myself and my son, and he was staying with his father, I attempted to keep things as 'normal' as possible, so that my son was happily oblivious to anything else going on.  If usually you'd chat to her every day for five minutes then that's what I'd be aiming for.  You must miss her terribly and I can imagine everything that must be running through your mind.  It's so hard being away from your child against your wishes.    

Right now, your priority is the well being of your girl.  This is going to become your language over the coming months - don't assume that others know this is how you feel.  It's easy to make the mistake of thinking it's a given that you want what is best for your child.  Voice it and remain steadfast in that fact.   

As has already been said yet bears repeating, whatever plays out you cannot be drawn into any drama of any kind.  Be the adult and stick to simple facts.  No emotional exchanges of any type.  Prepare to have your buttons pushed and remain grounded.  For that to be possible, you need rest and to sustain your energy levels with any and all the things that boost you.  Include fun within that at every opportunity, even when it's the last thing you can imagine having.  Cultivate a serene exterior of calm, positivity, happiness, ease and stability.  Your Daddy role is your main focus of effort, so give yourself the tools.  Be kind to you as you would your daughter.  Rooting for a positive outcome for you.  It's going to be a rough ride, but you can do this and we'll be here with you all the way.   

[AskingWhy]

DB, I am so sorry to hear about this.

First of all, protect yourself and your children.  This means emotionally and asset-wise.

I am sure you know of Dr. Bill Eddy and his book, "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder," on divorcing a person with BPD or NPD.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

https://www.unhookedmedia.com/stock/splitting-protecting-yourself-while-divorcing-someone-with-a-borderline-or-narcissistic-personality-disorder?rq=splitting

Be strong.  You have your eyes wide open and a wealth of tools.

We are here for you.

Be well.

[AskingWhy]

DB, more resources from the Bill Eddy site:

www.billeddy.com/articles.htm