This email is to strategically tell her about her BPD

[Shawnlam]

Ok reached out to my exBPDgf today to ask her permission to send her an email this week that I’ve been working on.This email is to strategically tell her about her BPD and I don’t want to screw it up! I’m gonna need people’s help on here to get this right as she agreed to read the email. The text went as follows to give everyone a general idea of her mind frame right now(been 3 weeks since we broke up) .I let her go just so we’re on the same page.The text went as follows:  I wrote : hey , not sure if you blocked me or not.I know last time you said to me when we broke up that you don’t chase people I guess it’s my lucky day . She wrote right after this : hey I didn’t block you, but don’t bother wasting your time (something to that affect). I wrote : I wanted your permission to send you an email I’d like you to read :  She wrote : oh it’s not what I thought, yeah you can send me the email as long as it’s not a novel . I wrote : it’s pretty long but I couldn’t text it just wouldn’t make sense . she wrote : ok the send it I’ll read it maybe it will answer some things for me .  I wrote back: ok then enough texting for today and I still miss you take care talk soon.  She wrote : I love you , but I hate what you did to us immensely. That’s the end of her text.

So I’d like to write a copy of my email I haven’t finished yet on here to get pointers o how to explain to her what she has without angering her as best as I can.The goal of this is to clear my concious of knowing what she has but not telling her... .I just can’t not say anything!

[once removed]

there is no way for an ex lover to tell another ex lover "i think you have a personality disorder" and have it be well received. think about how you would take it. you would think of her as a spurned lover. i would think the same of someone who wrote it to me.

ive been following your story. it sounds to me like emotionally, youre not done with this relationship. nothing wrong with that, but i would make that my focus. if you want to reconnect, maybe give reconciliation a shot, id post on the Bettering board and work with the members there.

if closure is what youre after, short and sweet is best. a message that wishes her well, that you think of her fondly, an "im okay, youre okay" type of note is likely to be well received.

[Mutt]

Hi Shawnlam,

Not saying it is good for her because she probably won’t handle it very well. The gesture is for her not for you. I’d like to echo once removed I completely understand the logic behind your thoughts but I don’t think that it’s going to be well received. If you’re not done with the r/s I would suggest s different strategy you’re not in a good position right now. I also agree with once renoved this is an opportune time for self work. How about it?

[Pencil sketch]

I haven't read your story, but what screams out to me, is control.
This is how my ex behaved towards the end, it was all on her terms.
If you do reconcile, she will use this against You, it seems there is still alot of bitterness on her part, and communication, will exacerbate it.
IMO I think you should go NC for a while. I have been out nearly 2 months, and although I still miss her, it's given me the opportunity to see, just how damaged the relationship was.
I have also learned, I can love someone, but being with them isn't an option. I sent mine a letter, not to re-engage, but to end it in a way, that makes me feel I can let her go.
She will not read it, but I put it out there, and wished her well.
It did help.
Good luck my friend

[Shawnlam]

The one thing I promise is I do not want back with her.I think in a selfish way this letter is more for me than her.Even when we texted yesterday I felt nothing anymore ,no more butterflies in my stomach or anything.The letter I want to send her is more along the lines of me getting closure regardless of what she says or wants.In my logical mind I can’t know someone is sick and then walk away without telling them.Yeah it’s a 1% or less thing if she even acknowledges it but it’s still 1% (I hate what if’s).
If I don’t do this it will plague me until the end of time.I have away with her to be able to tell her and apologize to her for not  knowing or being there all at once so her triggers will rise and fall enough I think to still not be overly mad (she’s a quiet borderline btw). Best case she gets help soon or in a few years worst case she permanently paints me black and moves on.I avoided the kids,home,assets with her so we have no bond.

[icky]

I am planning to write a similar email to my BPDx.

I've heard the logic a LOT that you must never, never, never, never tell you BPD partner or BPDx that they have BPD.

While I can kiiiiiiind of understand this logic from the point of view of trying to make a relationship with a pwBPD work... .because they'll just be in denial and get angry and upset... .

I think this idea of "never ever ever ever" tell someone with BPD that they have BPD is just going to have all the stigma and huge lack of knowledge about BPD continuing for further decades.

*My* opinion is that it is just further "walking on eggshells".

This topic (BPD) should be getting more discussion and airplay in society and not less.

I understand that everyone says "It will only do harm" but I for one am definitely NOT willing to follow this logic.

I think as a society we are doing FAR more harm by being silent and treating it like a dirty secret than by breaking this taboo and TALKING about it to all and sundry.

BUT - this is just ***my*** opinion.

I realise that most on this forum disagree 100% and I am sure that is based on experience and logic.

[Tobiasfunke]

I understand that everyone says "It will only do harm" but I for one am definitely NOT willing to follow this logic.

I think as a society we are doing FAR more harm by being silent and treating it like a dirty secret than by breaking this taboo and TALKING about it to all and sundry.

BUT - this is just ***my*** opinion.

I realise that most on this forum disagree 100% and I am sure that is based on experience and logic.

If you feel you have to send the letters or communicate your concerns I’d say send it to a family member. Someone that cares for your ex. Sister in law, parent, child. We know that our ex’s have combustible relationships with their families co workers children as well as us. They will see your concern and past experiences through a different lens than the pwBPD will. I have been nc/lc for 3 years because I have 2 children. It gets much better than the dark times when I was initially discarded but if you don’t have kids with your ex’s I’d say move on and never look back. Learn from it so you don’t repeat the same mistakes with the next. Acknowledge our own issues and short comings that painted you into this situation and work on our own stuff. Let your ex find their own path to recovery and better times.

[Panda39]

I'm gonna be a bit of a Debbie Downer or Panda Pessimist, but what do you hope to accomplish by giving her this information?  :)o you think that she will have the lightbulb come on and be like yes! that's it that's why I have all these problems in my life and immediately run out to the nearest therapist and be "cured"?  Not likely (at least from my experience).  That she will be grateful to you for solving her problem, for figuring it out, I think you will find her response quite the opposite.

Or are there other motivations behind telling her this?  To get even for the pain she has caused you?  To boost your self-esteem she has the problem and you don't?  Really dig, why do you want to do this and what do you hope to accomplish?

In my opinion she has to come to the conclusion that she has a problem on her own. Until then no matter what you tell her she will not see it or believe it.  Working on ourselves has to come from the realization that we have an issue and the desire within us to work on it.  My guess is you will get defensiveness and anger.  She doesn't see that she has a problem and all she will see from you telling her that she has a mental disorder is Criticism which will lead to Shame.  Not only will she not receive this information well, but it will be hurtful.

My SO told his uBPDxw that he thought she had BPD.  She stood there and stared at him like he had 3 heads, there was no surprise (so we don't think this was the first time she had heard of BPD), and there was also no change in her behavior following this revelation.  She has lost her home, her husband, friends, and her daughters are LC & NC and all of those things have not motivated her to see her problems or make changes. Why because she sees herself as the victim, not the problem.

I know it would feel good for you to share this information, but I don't think it will feel good to her and based on my experience it won't change anything other than paint you black.  If I were you I would let the idea drop.


Panda39

 

[JNChell]

Hi, ShawnIam.
You’re getting sound advice here, and I’d like to echo it. It is in nobody’s best interest to communicate that to her. I can say this with confidence because I made that mistake. There was fallout and collateral damage that resulted. While pondering this, I ask that you ask yourself a question. “Is my reputation important to me?”.

Please keep us updated on this. Take care of yourself.

[Shawnlam]

I will reword my email 27th draft ,to not exactly pin point or point fingers BUT I can’t just leave it as is to ickys point staying silent isn’t any better than finger pointing.Eveyone is kinda right what they have said on here  it’s up to me to reduce collateral damage.

[mama-wolf]

how to explain to her what she has without angering her as best as I can.The goal of this is to clear my concious of knowing what she has but not telling her... .I just can’t not say anything!

Hi Shawnlam,

I hope the additional edits on your letter are going well.  I understand the need to express your feelings and observations, but want to add one more question to the many, many great questions already asked... .

How is it that you know for certain that your ex has BPD?  If there has not been a formal diagnosis by a professional, you really should carefully consider the level of certainty with which you present this to her.  I take it you are not yourself a mental health professional, and particularly if you describe her as a "quiet borderline" there could be any number of other co-morbid conditions and resulting symptoms at play here. (My own uBPDw deals with impulsive ADHD, generalized anxiety, among other things)

Although I don't think it's a good idea to do so, I suppose you could mention the possibility of BPD, but ultimately it is up to someone with extensive education and training in these topics to make that call.  Closure is absolutely important.  If you are determined to send a letter, then you might focus on the specific borderline behaviors you have experienced from her (without calling them that) and express how they have impacted you.  Encourage her to seek therapy to address them if you like, and let that therapist tackle the complicated task of making a diagnosis.

Best of luck to you... .
mw

[Shawnlam]

Actually that is exactly what I was thinking when I redo the letter ,I’m leaving out the BPD diagnosis and will only mention certain traits or behaviors she has shown .And I’ll do it in a fashion to the things she has said to me specifically with no forecasting of what “I think” versus what actually happened.This was I avoid pointing a finger or playing the psychological game.Its gonna be tuff but I’m scrapping my whole letter and starting over tonight .Im also gonna go down the route where I’ll start off telling her how I started on working on myself and understanding myself and what was happening blah blah blah.Its a tuff one

[once removed]

itd be worthwhile to post it here first and get some feedback. youve got a lot of eyes on this.

[Skip]

The text went as follows to give everyone a general idea of her mind frame right now(been 3 weeks since we broke up) .I let her go just so we’re on the same page.The text went as follows:  

I wrote : hey , not sure if you blocked me or not.I know last time you said to me when we broke up that you don’t chase people I guess it’s my lucky day .

She wrote right after this : hey I didn’t block you, but don’t bother wasting your time (something to that affect).

I wrote : I wanted your permission to send you an email I’d like you to read :  

She wrote : oh it’s not what I thought, yeah you can send me the email as long as it’s not a novel .

I wrote : it’s pretty long but I couldn’t text it just wouldn’t make sense .

she wrote : ok the send it I’ll read it maybe it will answer some things for me .  
I wrote back: ok then enough texting for today and I still miss you take care talk soon.  

She wrote : I love you , but I hate what you did to us immensely.

Shawnlam, it sounds likes there's a lot of unfinished business here. There was a lot going on. She was pregnant with your child... .

In reading your posts, it seems like you "ended it" (final straw) because she was not considerate about booking get away trips with her friends. You took drastic measures to be heard. This intended letter is another step in that direction (being heard).

From the text, both of you are clearly trying to maintain your position and also trying to see if the other will try to make this right. This is not "healthy fighting", but it's what you did when the other things you tried failed.

Sending a "I loved you and did everything I could, but you don't get it and you seem to be mentally ill" will be a show stopper. it will be the last chapter. It's not the time or place for this type of communication.

Her comment about the long email (and your comment that the next one is long) sounds like you have been trying to sell logic to an emotional person - wrong tool.  

Why don't you meet for coffee in the afternoon, tell her you are sorry you responded the way that you did, you are very frustrated, and tell her that you feel taken for granted and like a second priority and that is hurting you... .and then shut up and let her sort out your emotions (remember, she is an emotional person, this is her currency).

Helping her seek treatment s something to do when you are partners and there is trust and you use the approaches talked about on the Bettering board.

[Skip]

The letter I want to send her is more along the lines of me getting closure regardless of what she says or wants. In my logical mind I can’t know someone is sick and then walk away without telling them.

Shawnlam, man-to-man, if you are really done, go with grace. Rehashing the blame for the relationship breakup is sticking it to her. If your punch actually landed, percentage wise, it would more likely lead to self-harm than enlightenment and a run to the nearest DBT center. This is not "healthy" coping.

If your taking the road out of town, take the high road.

[Shawnlam]

 Here is the letter

        

Hey love, sorry for the length of this email I couldn’t sum up what I had to say and my feelings for you in two paragraphs .I learnt a lot in the last three weeks about myself and even you to an extent on what went wrong. I did a lot research on me in particular and what happened and why it happened which I will share further along in this email. I never really met anyone like you in my life all 41 years of it, and I always asked myself even before we dated , hell even 5 years ago when I met you at xxxxxx I always said ‘’ how can a beautiful woman , with such a nice nature and now having been intimate with you, so much love to give’’ be single? In the 6 months I’ve had the pleasure of being your partner I never  laughed so much, had great times with you all over the place, and have never felt such warm affection from anyone as intense as with you. The first three months was like a dream, then after the holidays for some reason things seemed to go slowly downhill a bit and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why. So in the past three weeks I did figure out why and below is what I came to the conclusion of .
                Part of the issue was my reactions and the type of man I am naturally.Im the type of guy who doesn’t like to feel disrespected or manipulated or lied to ,cheated on etc. ( not saying you did those things hold on).I’m also not really the knight in shining armor type of guy either who tries to fix or change people especially my girlfriends .I never saw a point in trying to change anybody, if people need to change someone then they never truly loved them for who they were in the first place. This kinda makes me seem like I don’t care sometimes but in reality it’s just me giving someone the respect and space they need to be themselves. If after seeing how things are going with friends or girlfriends and I see that I’m just not considered part of their life anymore then I simply remove myself from the situation. It’s a way that I respect myself and the person in question as well, I don’t like drama.Ive always kept a solid bank of friends this way my whole life and even get along still with ex relationship partners even though I stay away from them when I’m involved with someone out of respect for my partner. In the last 2 months I realized I should have handled things differently with you , I’d say since the Xxxxxx incident until 3 weeks ago. I won’t say I’m wrong on all of it but I can and will say I’m sorry for the way I handled some of it especially when you were really upset the week you didn’t get Xxxxxx passport. I should have been there to support you and frankly the week before I shouldn’t have come to see you that Sunday and ask you for the favor. I should and could have expressed the way I felt with how you went about your trip to Quebec but on a whole different way and level to not upset you. I will not talk about Xxxxxx and what happened there  or anything else going forward in the email , no point at all.
                With that said some of the things that threw me off and only NOW  I understand are some of the things you have said to me.At the time I just didn’t get it but after researching both myself and what happened I do get it now ( although too late).Some of those things are as follows :  The time you texted me after leaving your dads saying ‘’ I don’t know why I push people that love me out of my life’’, or ‘’ I don’t know what I like or sometimes who I am , I feel empty a lot’’, or ‘’ you will see you will leave me ‘’, or ‘’why don’t you ever get mad at me.’’ and ‘’ you should see the type of guys I attract they are scrubs’’ , also stuff like ‘’ I will never cheat on you, hurt you or disappoint you intentionally  I promise , and I’m yours for as long as you will have me, a final one you told me was ‘’ you deserve better than me’’. After hearing a lot of those I just didn’t understand what was going on but after researching my own issues , I discovered most of those traits are symptoms of something called borderline personality disorder.Im not a psychologist all I can say is it seems to me you don’t feel you deserve to be loved or something so when it gets too intense you push it away + emotions run higher in people like this. I will let you check this out yourself I’m not finger pointing anything trust me I got plenty of my own issues. It just seemed to me the more I loved you the more you pushed me away for some reason. Also it seems you thought you needed to do something for me to feel loved from you like change how you were with me or like what I like , when honestly you never had to do any of those things for me.Im so deeply in love with you and still am all I ever wanted was your presence around me when you could spare it, and honesty if you ever wanted or had stuff you needed to do just give me a respectable heads up and do what you had or wanted to do I didn’t care.
I know once you said to me I’m tired of living by other people’s perceptions…. But I never had any Shawn perception of you. I always thought you were doing pretty damn good for a mother of two who has been through a lot, and always defended you and stuck by your choices ….period. Not every woman wants a big house, white picket fence and a fancy chalet. I won’t lie I did want to be involved more with you and your immediate family but hey you were just not there and that’s fine, I am not mad.I think you believe I judged you a lot or something when frankly who the hell am I to judge you or anyone? I don’t give a ___ if you smoke pot or drink as much as me, and I don’t give a ___ about your past and what you’ve done good or bad? Never did , never would, never will…... you seemed much more worried about rumors and stuff than me.I flush out all irrelevant people and their opinions in my life , I don’t care if they judge me , I’m pretty comfortable in my shoes and self-esteem and worth, my two cents , so should you. You don’t deserve to feel judged and you certainly don’t or shouldn’t feel ashamed  about who you are…. If you feel you are in control then great and if not you know what to do.
With all that said I can honestly say I should have handled certain things way differently, would that have changed anything I don’t know. I can and will say I still love you deeply and I miss you immensely in my life , and you have every right to have moved on with someone else what’s done is done. I did certain things and handled certain things out of respect for myself, what I should have noticed is maybe showing you too much love pushed you away for whatever reason, maybe you are insecure or don’t feel happy when someone loves you this much. Do I think and still think about us ,  of course I do. I think all the time about what would have happened if she would have let me love her , let me in deeper and not have pushed me away which you probably didn’t even notice you were doing. I would have loved to live with you, called you my wife and spent the rest of my life with you, I think about that a lot, I’m not heartless xxxxxxxxx,you know I love and respect you intensely. You said to me we are just not compatible , I will disagree with you a bit on that one. I think we were two people who respected and loved each other , just one showed it the wrong way, and one that didn’t think it was deserved. Talk about such a non-complicated obstacle that ended up being a huge brick wall...  ___en crazy.
To end this ,all I can say is I miss you a lot regardless if you have moved on, still love you always will, if you still hate me then all I can say is goodbye my love please don’t forget me I wasn’t all bad.I didn’t mean to hurt you and im very sorry I left I should have handled it better.  If you don’t hate me or this email made some sense of things for both how you see me and maybe how you see yourself, but  I honestly don’t know how you see me anymore. But you know how to reach me by text,phone,email and hell you even know where I live .If you want to have a in person conversation about this please let me know .If you ever want someone to spend time with and get away from life for a few hours , or days ,weekend or just breakfast to talk , you know where I am and how to get to me, and you know I’ll never expect anything in return I respect you and have a high regard for you. Since I don’t know what you will think after reading this novel ( yeah sorry),  I wish you and your boys well , love you all and if I don’t hear from you again Bye bye BB je t’aime , or If I do and you aren’t mad at me anymore ( or less) then  a tantot!
 

[Skip]

Are you looking for feedback or is this what was sent?

[Shawnlam]

I didn’t send anything yet looking for feedback tips etc

[JNChell]

Hi, ShawnIam. I’ve selected some excerpts from your drafted email. It’s just some friendly/concerned feedback. I selected several, so my answers will be fairly pragmatic. I am sympathetic to your situation. I feel for you. I’ve been exactly where you are. Please believe me when I tell you that you are still focusing on her when it’s of paramount importance that you focus on yourself. Friendly advice, Brother.

I never saw a point in trying to change anybody, if people need to change someone then they never truly loved them for who they were in the first place.
Isn’t the idea of sending this to her to prod her into therapy by your hand? This is trying to change her.

Ive always kept a solid bank of friends this way my whole life and even get along still with ex relationship partners even though I stay away from them when I’m involved with someone out of respect for my partner.
I would interpret this as “I’m talking to an ex again.” if I were on the receiving end of it. I would feel like it was a manipulation attempt.

The time you texted me after leaving your dads saying ‘’ I don’t know why I push people that love me out of my life’’, or ‘’ I don’t know what I like or sometimes who I am , I feel empty a lot’’, or ‘’ you will see you will leave me ‘’, or ‘’why don’t you ever get mad at me.’’ and ‘’ you should see the type of guys I attract they are scrubs’’ , also stuff like ‘’ I will never cheat on you, hurt you or disappoint you intentionally  I promise , and I’m yours for as long as you will have me, a final one you told me was ‘’ you deserve better than me’’. After hearing a lot of those I just didn’t understand what was going on but after researching my own issues , I discovered most of those traits are symptoms of something called borderline personality disorder.
HUGE MISTAKE! All the things you listed in this excerpt are likely to trigger her shame. BPD revolves around inner shame. What you are doing here is triggering her shame, then blowing it up with a BPD assumption. Not a wise idea, my friend.

I will let you check this out yourself I’m not finger pointing anything
You called her a pwBPD. You certainly are finger pointing. I’m sorry to be so blunt.

Im so deeply in love with you and still am
This is where you need to make your decision, ShawnIam. Do you want to be with her, or not? There is nothing wrong with either decision. I suggest taking some time to reflect on this. Talk about it with trusted peers. Refrain from making brash and impulsive decisions. I will say this, if you send her this e-mail, the likelihood of a reconciliation is futile. The likelihood of it having a profound enough affect on her to have an “aha!” moment is also futile. There is no win-win with this.

You don’t deserve to feel judged and you certainly don’t or shouldn’t feel ashamed  about who you are
You judged her when you said BPD. You shamed her with all of the instances you brought up to justify your analysis of her being BPD. ShawnIam, these individuals are razor sharp on survival. They are overly protective of themselves in the calmest and safest of settings. In fact, these settings can trigger them. The “calmest and safest”. If you were that for her, it’s possible that you triggered her. The BPD spectrum runs the gauntlet of space and time.


I can and will say I still love you deeply and I miss you immensely in my life
ShawnIam, I understand. This hits home with me in a big way. I will be honest and say that this potential e-mail is nuanced in you more than her. You asked for feedback. I can also relate to being in your shoes and going through with what you’re contemplating. Is it possible that you’re likely trying to create an outcome?

[Shawnlam]

All excellent points that frankly I haven’t thought of which is why I posted here first.I honestly had no idea all those things she said to me being brought up would trigger her.In my mind I was trying to explain that I now understood her VS before when I didn’t.I also talked more about me than her NOT to trigger her but it seems no matter what I write that’s not gonna happen.I wanted to explain to her that I handled things the wrong way but it’s hard to do when you can’t tell her why? Like the obvious answer would be :yeah I messed up how I spoke And addressed stuff during our time together because you have BPD and the mentality of a child from an emotional aspect .So I tried sneaking certain things in without ever saying those things ,even apologizing and blaming me when in all honesty it wasn’t my fault she disrespected me and cheated on me . I guess it is kinda futile ,even a good bye email will trigger her.

[JNChell]

even a good bye email will trigger her.
Yes.

[JNChell]

but it’s hard to do when you can’t tell her why?

Exactly. pwBPD hear what they want/need to hear to soothe their inner turmoil/heightened emotional state. As Skip said, you’re attempting to sell logic to an emotional being that doesn’t need logic to survive. There is no benefit in logic to an individual that survives on emotion. You will never close that deal. No matter how good of a wordsmith you are, your words will not have the impact that you hope they might. This is the hard reality of the situation that many of us here have found ourselves in. Luckily, we’ve all found each other here.

ShawnIam, your intent is commendable. You simply want to help her. The hard truth is that you can’t. She was like this long before you met her. You didn’t cause it. It’s not your responsibility to fix her, and any attempt, although well intentioned, could possibly cause more harm than good. I know that you don’t want to harm her, so this is a good place to lay it down and begin to focus on yourself if you choose to. I’m simply offering suggestions here.

Where are you at with this right now? Are you going to send her an e-mail?

[Ex2BPD]

Dear ShawnIam,
I understand the perspective of compassion and helpfulness toward someone you still obviously love... .But... .It's painfully clear that YOU are not done working on HER.

Maybe I'm completely wrong in this observation.

*If* she broke up with You, she's very likely not interested in being "fixed" -- If you broke up with her *AND* she is clamoring, "Why? Why?" *then* I would whip out your essay and hit "Send".

Breaking up with anyone with a personality disorder is a lot like putting on the oxygen mask-in-an-airplane that is going down: Save yourself FIRST, then save the one next to you.

I don't "hear" anything about what You have learned/are learning;, only about what You want HER to learn... .hmmmm... .?  Maybe I should read your backstory?

I wish You well, regardless of your decision. Leaving someone behind that you loved passionately, as you obviously love her, can't be any part of "easy". 

[babyducks]

Hi Shawnlam,

I am also going to suggest you not send that email.   I absolutely see your point(s) however I have also experienced what a lot of long time posters here have pointed out to you.

All excellent points that frankly I haven’t thought of which is why I posted here first.I honestly had no idea all those things she said to me being brought up would trigger her.

people with BPD or the traits of it, have highly intense emotions that are very difficult to regulate or sooth.  they over load quickly, they have difficulty processing emotional conversations.   I am fairly certain, even though I don't know her, your ex will over load some where around the first paragraph.   there is a reason she asked for the email to not be a long one.    if you do send her something I would definitely respect her wish for a short communication.

yeah I messed up how I spoke And addressed stuff during our time together because you have BPD and the mentality of a child from an emotional aspect .

the diagnosis of BPD has a stigma attached to it.    any mental illness has a stigma attached to it but even more so BPD.   for some one who deals with crippling levels of shame and internal anguish, delving into psychological diagnosis is potentially damaging and dangerous.  you are not a trusted person in her world right now and  there is a very real chance of  this letter back firing and creating first a resistance to help and support and second a back lash reaction.

for a person with BPD feelings equal facts.    always.   that is why members here are saying that explaining things all over again will not help.    there is no way to resolve the fault/blame conversation .

I appreciate how much of an effort you put into that letter and I am glad you shared it here.    I think in time you will look back at that letter and see how far you've come.   You.   not her.

'ducks

[Shawnlam]

Yeah after reading all this I have decided to remove every trigger in my email and literally cut it down to two paragraphs. 1: me apologizing for making her feel bad and sad and how I should have managed it better (taking the high road out). 2: telling her how much I still love her but not actually saying the words goodbye. Then I can get my closure and be off on my way in life .Continue with my therapist,and studying of cluster b’s as educating myself makes me feel better and prepared.Thanks everyone,I’m glad I posted her first ,major avoidance of a crash here and last thing I wanted was to hurt her more.

[Shawnlam]

All done , zero mention of BPD ,zero mention of her fault, me apologizing for having handled ___ wrong and a I love you and your two kids ,miss you guys .Take care of yourself. Boom page turned ... .lots of gin going into this body tonight ___en BPD wish I’d never have met anyone with this ailment better yet fall in love with them! Thank god for booze

[Panda39]

Hi Shawnlam,

I know this is hard and painful, but booze isn't helpful (I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years) it's a temporary fix that could become a problem.

Can you find a more healthy way to cope with your heartache?  How about a couple hours of escapism at the movies?  See some friends?  Try out some Therapy?  Put on some headphones and go for a walk (good for the body and the mood).  Do something that is self care not something like alcohol that can be self destructive.

Sending some                your way!

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Shawnlam]

It will only be one weekend of toasting away some hard emotions,nothing regular trust me .One 40oz between tonight and tomorrow and no more booze is required .Phone will be turned off and no outside people allowed ,it’s my way of dealing with heavy emotions.When I lost a few friends in the military,plus some others For various reasons ,it always made me feel better.Like a salut goodbye my old friend or in my exBPDgf good bye ex lover.When I rehydrate and get myself together Sunday life moves on page closed on that chapter.Ill be  honest this has been the hardest obstacle yet in my life and I’ve been through some pretty tuff things trust me .Hard to believe a 5.4ft blonde woman with a pretty face can do so much damage in only 6 months !

[Skip]

The letter you didn't send was, no doubt, cathartic to write and I really encourage you to keep a copy and read it in a month. It paints a narrative of  little empathy (understanding of the other person) - little understanding of her (whoi ever she is) - and that is on you. Not understanding our partners or our exs never ends well. This is not a comment about her behavior, pro or con, it is just to say that that letter speaks volumes about where you.

My comment is not judgement, either. Far from it. I wrote letters like that, too, at one time. Typical man not understanding women, letters. Typical man not understanding emotional impulsiveness, letters. You will see it again in life, so there is room to learn and grow. This is a great life skill:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy  It takes a great deal of strength at times to operate on this level.

Your final note (which I think was much better) does open the door for possible discussions with her - I think you know that. I really encourage you to become a regular member of the Bettering Board if that happens. Don't repeat what didn't work. Don't go down the path of that first letter... .there are other, better ways... .

Letting go of someone you love is hard. Recycling to make sure you gave it every chance is common. I think the most important thing is to go forward with every effort to have a higher EQ. If you take away anything from this site, it should be that.

I walked in your shoes, Shawn. I let go of a girl and two kids (hers) that were the light of my life. These relationships operate in the extremes... .you have to either live on a roller coaster or have the extremely good people skills and fatherly patience. These relationships also have a tendency to collapse on their own energy. I lived both ways... .I learned a lot about people and myself and it has done me well in  life.

There is further to go on this journey. Strap in.

[lighthouse9]

Been following from a distance Shawn, and I just want to say great work on this thread. You're doing so much hard work and it's so evident from the time you first started posting here. I also want to echo the advice to spend some time on the bettering board, at the least to learn some of the tools over there. Any relationship you have after this point, with her or someone else, will benefit from those tools.

Stay safe this weekend and remember that we're here for you if you start to think about contacting her while drinking. This might be a good time to establish a boundary for yourself: I will not contact her when under the influence.