Difficult converstation spirals, but the skills worked, I guess

[MomMae]

Sometimes it just feels like my relationship with my BPD DD21 is all just make-believe and pretend on my part.  We have now  been in a relatively stable, conflict-free period for approximately 8 months.   This was after we had had about 18 months of pure hell and, before that, her high school years was a roller coaster ride of lies and outrageous behaviour that dipped down to hell and then rode back up to hope and down to hell again.

So, I am thrilled that we haven't had too much drama from her lately. I have always been aware of the eggshells under my feet throughout this period, but was just so happy to have some normalcy that I was content to walk ever so gingerly.  However, a situation is looming that I had to discuss with her, despite my fear of how it would go.  She is going back to college in September and has to choose where to go - an out of town option, or our local school.  To complicate it, her live in BF has now decided that he wants to return to school too, but he has a toddler and mega debt to contend with.  They were leaning toward going out of town and the deadline to choose which college is the end of the month.  There is no way that they will be able to afford an apartment in the expensive city they are thinking of if both of them are students and he has huge support and debt payments.  So I knew I had to discuss with her what their plans are before they give up their really cheap apartment here without knowing how they would make this work. 

I was scared.  I was right to be.  First came the tears as I tried to gently bring up reality... .even with suggestions of how to possibly make it work... .(it was obvious they hadn't talked about the logistics of how this would work). Then the anger... ." I don't want to talk about this"... .Always her go to.  So I stopped talking about it as it was on the verge of her spiralling into screaming at me.  I tried to talk about other things at that point. Too late, she was gone.  So I said that I was sorry I had upset her and said that I should leave. (I was at her apartment, otherwise I am sure she would have already stormed out the door)  Before I left, I did say that just because someone says something you don't want to hear, it is not a reason to react like this.

I am happy to say that I did remain calm.  Actually, I don't think I realized just how detached I am from her now.  I am not surprised by her reaction.  Somewhere in me I knew that I was the one doing most of the work keeping things calm between us.  Maybe some would say that I should have just let them do whatever they wanted and stay out of it... .The problem with that is, is that we would be the ones who would be left to deal with the fallout... .and there would be fallout... .and she would be three hours away from us. 

Anyway, I did text her when I got home and said that I was sorry that I upset her.  She texted back that "it's okay, I'm sorry if I seemed mad."  (Seemed?  ) So maybe a little progress... .Then she texted later after her BF got home that he will be applying to the local college... .So perhaps she was listening.

I can see the skills I learned here do work.  It just doesn't make it easier to deal with the delicate eggshells - CONSTANTLY.  I am just so tired.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Wow, I’m so grateful you shared this.  Thanks - I know it wasn’t easy to reflect on these things and share them.   Somehow writing makes it more real, at least to me.

I totally get you on feeling like the relationship is becoming fake somehow- with every new skill I apply it feels like I’m pushing my d farther into a BPD corner.  It’s new. I used to just see her as her but now I’m seeing her as her mental illness and as much as that helps me get through the difficult interactions, I feel like I’m the one detached. 

This is a very cruel thing.  I support your decision to shed reality on her for a few minutes.  The fallout would certainly land on your shoulders. 

Until it won’t. I mean is that the end game? Do parents have only 2 choices? Keep supporting them or cut them off? 

It’s sick.  I feel sick with envy at times listening to other parents complaining about their kids attitudes or laziness. I wish. 

[Huat]

Just letting you know I am hearing you, MomMae... .and you, too, Faith Spring.   

So much energy is taken up dealing with our "special children."   We just have to remember to grab back some of that time for ourselves and not feel we are being selfish when we do.

Yeh, Faith Spring, sometimes I just want to walk away from conversations when others are complaining about the most mundane problems they experience with their children.  If they only knew, huh?

Once again I see how important it is for a lot of us to be participating on/in this forum.  There are no immediate answers for anyone but just being able to let off some steam and not have to worry about being "politically correct" when we do, can help in giving a much-needed boost.

Huat

[bluek9]

Hi MomMae,

              Your struggle with talking to your daughter is all too real! Sometimes I get so mad(at the illness) because every time I want to talk with my daughter I have to go through mental gymnastics to make sure I use the communication tools the right way. Geez After all the fore thought I feel worn out. I get the feeling of detaching that you and Faith Spring talk about. For me it's not detaching from my daughter, it's detaching from illness and the ravaging effects it has on her emotions. It helps me to keep in mind that my child reacts to her world through the filter of BPD, that is her reality.
              I find it admirable that you have the awareness to know when to pull back. It shows great strength on our part. My daughter also goes to tears first, then anger. You're absolutely right dealing with BPD is exhausting! I'm glad you posted on your progress, baby steps one at a time. What are you doing to recharge yourself?  

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi MM,

Thank you so much for sharing this. Also awesome work on staying calm!

I have a similar situation looking with my daughter but at the end of May. I have so far been taking the wait and see approach. She says she's trying to figure out her next move, so I know she's at least thinking about it. I am planning to tell her the dates that her dad and I are available to help her move out of her apt and ask her when works and where her stuff will be going. That's a start at least. It will be totally exhausting.

[MomMae]

Wow, I am overwhelmed with the support!  Thank you so much Faith Spring, Huat, bluek9, and hyacinth bucket for your thoughtful responses and encouragement.  It helps refill my stores!

Faith Spring, you are so right that somehow writing it makes it more real... .It also helps me be more reflective.  When I started writing this thread, I am not sure how much I saw that the skills worked besides me keeping calm.  By the end of the post, I could see that despite the fact that the conversation did deteriorate to the point where I needed to remove myself rather than continuing, she must have reflected on it as it obviously it spurred a conversation between her and her BF.  Which was, in fact, my ultimate goal. (That is why I named the thread what I did... .) 

HB, I think that is very wise that you are going to tell DD which dates you are available to help with the move.  It circumvents what could be a volatile conversation, but reminds her the date is looming, and gives you control by stating when you are available to help.  Shows, yes we will help, but we have a life too, with things to do.  I struggle with that sometimes, myself - not being willing to drop everything at any moment to help my adult children (unless it is life or death, of course!)

 MM

[Lollypop]

Hi mommae

I can so relate to building yourself up for the “big” conversation. The skills we learn help us deal with that and you’ve done so great. The fact you’ve worked so hard on your relationship shows :  your daughter reacted but knew the truth she could trust you and then she reflected.

They’ll problem solve and you helped them see a little reality.

LP

[MomMae]

Thank you, LP, this helps a lot!