Asked my mom to leave my home.

[Sad4Her]

Hi. I'm hoping I have come to the right place for some advice from others with my issue so I can get some mental relief. Although my mom has not been diagnosed, because she has chosen not to get help, I can say with certainty that she has BPD. I have dealt with her outbursts and the negative comments to me for all my life. I am now 45 yrs old. Without getting into my long life story, I will just describe my current issue. I own a home and my mom lives in my apartment downstairs. Aside from her outbursts and many, many other inappropriate behaviors, she has had no boundaries when it comes to mine and my husband's privacy in our own part of the house. She also tells us when to throw garbage, how to wash our own clothes, etc. I bought this home, where I didn't want to live and for which I didn't want to pay such a high mortgage, so that we could do the right thing and have her live with us. She is now retired but did not make enough money working for us not to help out money wise either way. Back to my current circumstances... .I cannot live with her anymore because it is affecting my physical and mental health. I am currently in therapy for this. My mom refuses to get help. I have asked her to leave before and she would not leave. Now, with my therapists help, she knows she has to go. My problem is that I feel so sad and extremely guilty about this. I am basically abandoning my sick mom. If she had cancer, I would forego my needs and take care of her so I feel like I'm using the excuse of it not being a physical sickness to make it ok for me to abandon her. I am so torn and sick about this. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone.

[Mutt]

Hi Sad4Her,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear about the difficult predicament that you're in with your mom. Is your H supportive? I'm glad that you decided to join us it helps to talk to others that are in similar situations as you and can offer you guidance and support, you're not alone.

We can't give a diagnose what we can look at are BPD traits, you're not responsible for the disorder, I'd suggest to not put all of this on your back. A person with a mental illness has a responsibility to get help for themselves, we can't do that for them, if a pwBPD chooses not get better than you're not left with many choices. I also understand that it's not that easy there are a lot of feelings attached to this and you're doing the right thing. You're seeking help with a T and you're seeking help with a support group. It helps to talk.

You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board and at the top of the board. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

[zachira]

You are undergoing one of the most painful parts of having a mother with BPD. You have done everything you can to be a wonderful caring daughter: she takes no feedback whatsoever; it is all about her; and you can't take it any more. Please know you are not alone in your heartbreak and despair. I would love to be able to help my mother who is very elderly and I can't because she is so abusive. It feels terrible to have to limit contact with a borderline parent, yet sometimes there is no choice if you are going to heal and keep your sanity. Post here whenever you need to. We are here to support you. There are many people on this Board in a situation similar to yours. Let us know what you need the most and how we can help.

[Panda39]

Hi Sad4Her,

 I'd like to join Mutt and give you a welcome!

I'm sorry your situation has gotten so hard.  I want to say that you and your husband have every right to have a peaceful home and life.  I also want to remind you that your mother is an adult. 

I can hear your guilt but it's sounds like she really left you no other choice for your own sanity, you have set a boundary and that is okay. 

Just because you can't have your mom living in your house doesn't mean that you can't help her in other ways if you can or want to.  This is just a change and this change will give you more rest and head space so that when you do see your mom it can be easier for you to manage. How has your husband been handling all of this?

Hang in there and keep us posted on how things progress.

Take Care, 
Panda39

[Harri]

Hi.  I want to join the others and welcome you to the board so welcome. 

Yes your mom has a mental disorder, but that is very very different from a parent who has cancer.  Apples and oranges.  Or you can consider that often times cancer can be so complex and/or severe that it is beyond the ability of a family member to take care of them.  That is okay.  Sad?  Yes, but it is still okay.  For a lot of the situations we find ourselves in with our family members there is no happy solution.  So cry because it hurts and it is unfortunate. 

I am glad you have a therapist because the guilt and feelings of responsibility can be overwhelming.  Is your husband supportive?

Please do keep us posted and feel free to post your feelings as you process your way through this. 



   

[Sad4Her]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for the responses! I'm so sorry about waiting so long to respond. This is my first time on a discussion board and I didn't see the responses until now and I don't know if you will see this reply because I'm not sure if I hit the right button, but I hope you do see it. So to continue the saga... .My mom is due to leave my home on Monday and will be staying with a friend. Yes, she has still not left. I will not believe she is truly leaving until she is out. I'm so afraid that she will do something to cause her friend to not want her there and she will continue to stay in my home. I feel so terrible even thinking this way but, after 45 years with her, I can't continue this and need to have my own life. I thank God that my husband is so supportive. I honestly don't know how he stayed with me, and living in a house with my mom, for 20 something years. He is my rock. My mom actually got mad at me when I said I would have a family BBQ maybe for her Bday or my cousin's because she wouldn't be living here anymore. I was so upset and said that I couldn't believe she would have an issue with me enjoying my own home if she couldn't live here. On a good note, I am still with my therapist and she has been my other rock and without her I could never be at this point of trying to take my life back.

[Harri]

Hi Sad4her and welcome back!   

This is my first time on a discussion board and I didn't see the responses until now and I don't know if you will see this reply because I'm not sure if I hit the right button, but I hope you do see it.

Yes, we can see you and yes, you hit the right button!  

You have the option to receive an email notification when someone replies to a thread you start or participate in.  There is two ways to do this.  First, when you open a thread, towards the top of the page on the right side you will see a green tab with clickable options.  The first is Reply and then Notify.  If you click notify you will get a pop-up asking if you are sure you want to get notifications re: new replies to a post.  Just click yes and you are set.

The second way to do this is to go into Settings.  There is a green tab right below where the ambassadors are listed.  On that tab, you will see the word Settings.  click on it.  That takes you to a page where, on the left side, you will see two options.  The top one is Profile Info and under that is Modify Profile.  Click on Notifications and Email.  That opens another page where you will see "Turn notification on when you post or reply to a topic" click the box and you will then receive notifications any time someone replies to a thread you start or when someone replies to a thread you posted in.  That's all there is to it.   Let me know if none of that makes any sense. 

So Monday is the big day!  I am glad you posted so we can support you. 

I'm so afraid that she will do something to cause her friend to not want her there and she will continue to stay in my home

I would be feeling the same way.  All you can do is hope that does not happen and trust that you can handle whatever does happen.  Breathe.  I am so glad your husband is supportive of you. 

I honestly don't know how he stayed with me, and living in a house with my mom, for 20 something years.

Sounds to me like he likes and loves you.  I'd say he is a keeper! 

Your mother is who she is and right now she is probably going to find small things like the BBQ upsetting.  That is just her being her.  You did nothing wrong and you can not change every word you say to keep her from taking issue with it.  She gets to own her own emotions and you get to own yours.  If she can't own and regulate her own stuff that is because of her dysfunction and you are not responsible for that. 

On a good note, I am still with my therapist and she has been my other rock and without her I could never be at this point of trying to take my life back.

This truly is good news!  I think I have an idea of the hard work it took to get to this point.  I lived in my parents home until my mid to late 30's    We can help support and encourage you as well.  I found this board when I was not able to go to therapy but was still able to do a lot of work on myself and separating from my mother emotionally by posting and reading here.  When I did get into therapy, I still stayed here and continued to work in both places.  This board has been invaluable to me and it can be for you as well.  We all get it here. 

I am glad you reached out to us today.  Keep posting if you can.  It is good to come here for support in crisis but it is even better to use the board during calmer times.  You will be able to focus and learn much more easily.  Reading other peoples posts and responding to them can also be very helpful in reducing anxiety and taking your mind off your own issues.

Keep us posted please.   

[Sad4Her]

Thank you for the tech support. I'm not savvy with this computer stuff haha. Just writing and hearing all of your responses is so helpful to me as I'm sure you all already know. It's so hard to love someone so much and dislike them so much all at the same time. One minute, I'm seething with anger because I'm a 45 year old still afraid and hurt by her words and the next minute, I'm crying so hard because I know my mom has had such a hard life and she loves me very much but she comprehends this stuff like a small child would. I hope that, like you all, I can be of help to someone as well. I always thought I was the only one going through these sort of issues. Thank God for the internet or I probably would have went the rest of my life thinking this!

[RJ2018]

Just writing and hearing all of your responses is so helpful to me as I'm sure you all already know. It's so hard to love someone so much and dislike them so much all at the same time.

Amen, amen!

One minute, I'm seething with anger because I'm a 45 year old still afraid and hurt by her words and the next minute, I'm crying so hard because I know my mom has had such a hard life and she loves me very much but she comprehends this stuff like a small child would.

Both my feelings and my mother, undiagnosed but strongly suspected to have BPD, to a T.

I hope that, like you all, I can be of help to someone as well. I always thought I was the only one going through these sort of issues. Thank God for the internet or I probably would have went the rest of my life thinking this!

Yes, thank God indeed! And you're certainly NOT alone. I just helped my mom move back to the city I'm in after her trying out another state for the past four months didn't work out. I flew out there one-way and last-minute to help her drive back (16+ hours), paid for most of her gas and other things along the way, and had her set up for somewhere good to live here (not my place) temporarily, but when we get here and she finds out one detail of the place that isn't what she'd expected or preferred and instead preferring to stay with me for "just a few days,", she tricked me into letting her back into my apartment (after she'd already stormed out dramatically) by claiming to need to use the bathroom "before she goes" and then refused to leave, saying I would need to call the police to get her out.

And so guess what I did? ☺

Again... You're not alone.

And thank you for sharing, and I hope everything with your mom and her upcoming move go as smoothly and stress-free as possible for you all.

[Sad4Her]

I'm glad my story helped as I am being helped. My mom has not been diagnosed either but betweenmy knowledge and my therapist, we can pretty much conclude that this is her sickness . Thank you for the support. Will definitely be praying for a smooth transition and will let you guys know!

[Inner Child]

I am 46 years old. I just listened to "Loving the Borderline waif mother- chapter 9" from the Borderline mother book. Google it through youtube. This week I gave my mom's emotional and physical health care back to her. I set boundaries and said, "I am your daughter not your care giver and I will define what daughter means. I prefer to spend time with you in the context of family gatherings and events because the odds are greater that the conversation will become unpleasant if we are alone together." I will not spend time alone with her indefinitely... .it's so sad that this is my mother. She has chronic health issues. She had stage 4 lymphoma 15 years ago and I made myself sick caring for her despite her actually blaming her cancer on me. My therapist told me that no matter what I do she will go to the grave thinking that I wronged her... .this reality is helping me so now I take care of myself and I deal with far less anxiety and depression as a result. Remember that your fear, obligation and guilt is part of her game. Be a game changer and risk losing her because you will never have the mother you deserve anyways. Save your marriage and yourself. I've been married 22 years and my husband has been the most dutiful son in law imaginable... .I actually have to help him stop helping her because she will eat both alive if we continue to try and relate to her like a nonBPD mother.

[Sad4Her]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel for you. It's hard enough to deal with the mental illness. I can't imagine the physical illness on top of it. It's my worst fear. However, your story has given me a step of courage if it does come to that. I'm so glad that, like me, you have found a good therapist who can help you through this. That is so important. My mom is getting worse with her tantrums and anger because she has to leave by tomorrow. Yesterday, she literally put me in a dangerous situation because her fear is putting her at her worst. After yesterday, I don't even know if I want her in my life at all anymore. It's amazing how they blame, guilt and try to shame us because of their fears. I just get so angry at myself for letting her do it. I'm so depressed and sad over this. I feel the pressure ten fold because I'm an only child and not only can I not share the burden but I cannot share the pain. I thank God that I found this site and all of you! Along with seeing my therapist weekly, your stories and support have helped me so much.

[Harri]

Hi Sad4her.  I have been wondering how things are going.  Apparently not that well at your mother's end of things?  Are you safe?

Yesterday, she literally put me in a dangerous situation because her fear is putting her at her worst. After yesterday, I don't even know if I want her in my life at all anymore.

Use this feeling to stay firm about her moving out and staying moved.  Give yourself time to redefine how your relationship will look before making any big decisions. 

I felt tons of guilt after I moved out of my parents house and it took everything I had not to act on that guilt.  It is hard to break a lifetime of patterns but the good news is you are doing great and you have a T to work with (and us of course!  )

Have you read out article on Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt yet?  It is a good read and you may find it helpful. 

Also check this article out on Extinction Bursts.

Learning about the various behaviors associated with BPD can help quite a bit in depersonalizing them and keeping firm in your decisions. 

I will be thinking of you and your family.  I hope you keep posting if you like.  I found I needed even more support after I made big changes.   

[Learning2Thrive]

Sad4Her, Harri has given you some very good advice:

Use this feeling to stay firm about her moving out and staying moved.  Give yourself time to redefine how your relationship will look before making any big decisions.

  You're doing the right thing for you and I'm here cheering you on!   

We're here for you. Stay strong and know you are worthy of love and goodness in your life.

[Sad4Her]

Thank you Hari and Learning 2Thrive. I am trying to stay strong and not fall apart. The guilt comes and goes and I am so angry right now that I can actually get past the guilt. I'm just stressed about the future. Even though (if all goes well and her fear doesn't lead her to say she's not leaving) my mom will leave my home tomorrow, I just have such anxiety about the future. I know that this is not the end because she will still be trying to get me to take care of her every need and I just can't let myself continue this sick relationship. I will have a mental breakdown myself if it continues. I don't know how I will stay strong. I was thinking about asking my therapist if I should see a psychotherapist along with seeing her. My reasoning is that she herself admitted that she is not qualified to treat a BPD person and she doesn't know enough about it. Although she has helped me immensely (she is the only one who has ever given me the strength to get this far and she did it in a matter of months) and I still want to see her, I thought maybe a psychotherapist would have more ways of sticking to my plan of breaking free. Tomorrow will be ruff. I love my mom so much and I would give up my life for her to get healthy and be happy but I know this will never happen and I can't continue to stay in this unhealthy situation. I am so glad to have all of you for support and will continue to give my support, as well, to anyone who needs it. I'm wondering how many others are dealing with a mother who has literal tantrums like mine does? Pounding fists in the air and screaming jibberish... .then acting as thought nothing happened 5 minutes later. Then when I am still mad, she blames me for everything and tells me, basically, how stupid I am and how I let everyone walk all over me. Obviously, only a mentally ill person can say that and call me dumb for it as they are doing exactly that to me. I saw a quote written by someone named Anna Funder and it sad, "She was brave and strong and broken all at once." This is exactly how I feel.

[Harri]

Okay, lets take a look at this.

Your mother will be who she is.  We know that.  She will push, try emotional blackmail, blame, and whatever other behavior she always does.  Same old thing right?  You can't change that but you can accept that she is who she is.  So if she does any of these things, it really won't be anything you have not already experienced and survived.

The hard part will be in changing your response.  And between you, your T and all of us here, we have that covered right?  You've got this!  

I don't want to bog you down with links or things to read but (!) when you can read the two articles I listed above.  Getting perspective is very important here.  Use the anger you feel constructively, as you are, and use it as fuel to change your responses.

Mindfulness is another good thing to work on... .but maybe after your mom moves out.  I can give you the link another time.  It takes practice but mindfulness works great for managing anxiety, staying in the moment, accepting your feelings, etc.  At first, you may only be able to stay in the moment for a second at a time... .it is okay.  It takes practice but just like with anything else, it gets easier over time.

Remember right now, you are not just battling your mothers behaviors but you are engaged in a battle within yourself to try to break reflexive behaviors and deep rooted beliefs.  It is not going to feel good.  it will be difficult.  But stick with it.  It gets better.  

I am really glad that you posted today.  We can chat some more if it will help.

EDIT:  I got so caught up I forgot to say yes, my mother had tantrums, waving her arms, pounding her fists, stomping her feet.  Mine did not act just fine later though.  I think when a switch like that happens it is related to the impulsive nature of the disorder.  Whatever they feel in the moment prevails. 

"She was brave and strong and broken all at once."

Yes.  My mother was remarkable and terribly broken.

[Sad4Her]

Hi Harri,
Thank you again for the encouraging words and wisdom. You will not overload me with links I am open to any materials and advice that helps. I am slowly reading every bit of material I can find. So, whenever you have something that you think I should read, by all means, please let me know. I am going to read what you have already suggested tomorrow morning with my coffee so that maybe it can somewhat help me prepare for the difficult day I will have.

[Learning2Thrive]

Sad4Her,

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and sending lots of positive energy your way. You are worthy of having a peaceful home. It is your home that you have worked hard for. It should be your refuge and safe place.

While it’s not a technical psychological technique, maybe this one that I use while on my fat tire bicycle could help you. When facing an unavoidable obstacle, visualize yourself successfully on the other side. Keep breathing, believe in yourself and just pedal through. So... .when she pulls out all the stops and throws her tantrum, don’t let it ruffle you. Keep breathing. It’s YOUR house. 

 

[Harri]

Learning2Thrive has a great technique to try here: 

While it’s not a technical psychological technique, maybe this one that I use while on my fat tire bicycle could help you. When facing an unavoidable obstacle, visualize yourself successfully on the other side. Keep breathing, believe in yourself and just pedal through. So... .when she pulls out all the stops and throws her tantrum, don’t let it ruffle you. Keep breathing. It’s YOUR house.

I really like that and I am going to try to remember it so I can recommend it too. 

Here is the info on Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind.  It takes practice but it works. 

I too will be thinking of you tomorrow.  You've got this.

[Sad4Her]

Thank you both! I will use all my strength not to be triggered today. I am already on edge. Going to go for a run before hand. That usually puts my mind on track. I will keep you posted.

[Panda39]

Just wanted to share my little mantra from Pink's song Glitter In The Air

"Have you ever looked fear in the face, and said I just don't care?"  I love this line, it's gotten me through so many things.  Yes, there is fear (discomfort, anxiety etc) but don't let it stop you.

It might be a rough day today, but push through, you got this! 

Panda39

[Sad4Her]

Thank you Panda39. Love that line! You gave me the right inspiration today. I love P!nk and her music has gotten me through many stresses! thank you, thank you, thank you! 

[Sad4Her]

Hi Everyone,

Wanted to update you all. So on Monday I got through moving my mom out. It was so difficult. I'm so sad about it. First, I am sad the way I handled it. I basically drove her and her stuff to her friend's home, with whom she'll be living, and just threw everything in the room and left. I was just still seething about all that had gotten us to this point and didn't want to be around her for long and chance her goading me into another argument. Also, I knew it would be impossible for me to say goodbye. Of course, when it was all done, I felt horrible. I feel like I left her there like a dog. Also, I feel terrible because I love my mom so much and I know that, like a child, she can't understand that her behavior led to this and she feels, yet again, abandoned. I'm up all night crying, knowing how homesick and sad she is. I don't know how to ever stop feeling bad for her. I'm not sure if therapy can cure me of that one big issue. It consumes my mind. I go downstairs to my apartment and I feel guilty for using the refrigerator, sink, etc. I'm just so sad and don't now if I ever will be happy. All I want is for my mom to be happy but she never will be and that makes me so sad.

[Panda39]

Hi Sad4Her,

I'm glad to hear you got through moving your mom out.  I wish I could take the guilt away but unfortunately that is the hard job ahead of you.  I will say though that having created this physical boundary (because that's what this is) and creating some distance between you and your mother, will assist you in your journey to let go of some of the guilt.  It takes time to get out of the FOG and learn a new way to be yourself and a new way to have a relationship with your mom.

In terms of how you you felt the transition went, don't beat yourself up, you were under a lot of pressure, and fearful that something would go wrong so like ripping a band aid off you just moved her out quickly with less drama. 

No one has been abandoned here, she is an adult and can take care of herself (even though she would have you believe otherwise), she has a roommate and is not living alone, and she has you in her life (just not in the enmeshed/codependent way she would like).

Enjoy the day, enjoy your home, enjoy some peace.

Panda39

[Sad4Her]

Thank you Panda39. I needed that. When I feel down it's nice to know I can come here and heal some.

[Panda39]

Glad I could help 

Just take it one day at a time.  Do you have a plan for the day?  What are some things you can do for yourself?

Panda39

[nenarox2]

I am so sorry about the guilt! I also have that guilt. I was the youngest and her primary source of abuse and comfort. There was emotional enmeshment! All of it. I had a hard time setting my boundaries but I did. Now I am realizing that I might not be able to have any contact with her. I cannot sacrifice my life, my marriage, or my children for her.

Best to you. Guilt is an ugly thing and the insights read about guilt is an essential read.

[zachira]

It is normal that you are grieving having to move your mother out of your home, when you would have liked for things to be different. All of us who have a BPD mom feel sad and angry at times, and ask why can't our parents love us and let us love them back. I often give myself some time to just sit and cry about my BPD mom who lives three thousand miles away. I would so much like to have our relationship improve before she dies, and it is not going to happen. I can not begin to imagine how overwhelming and heartbreaking it is to have to move your mom out of your own home. Keep us posted. We are here to support you.

[Harri]

Hi Sad4Her. 

I don't have much to say that hasn't been said before.  I think though, that the way you handled things is okay.  You handled her move just fine.  Of course you wish things could be different but they can't be. 

Therapy, IMO, isn't about 'fixing' you or your feelings.  It is about accepting and understanding them.  Often doing that means going through a period of deep sadness and grief.

 

[Learning2Thrive]

Sad4Her, first, a gentle hug and smile. You did just fine. Of course you wish things could be different. All of us do! But, we can not change anyone else. Each person on this planet is responsible for their own behavior and choices once they become an adult.

As children we were forced to accept the abuse in the name of love and respect for our parents. As adults we need to love ourselves enough to learn how to heal and that means providing ourselves with the physical and emotional safe space required to facilitate healing. 

Your grief is understandable. It is normal. It is part of the path to healing. Please give yourself time. Allow yourself to come out of the FOG and see the new possibilities a healthier home will provide.