Did my Exgirlfriend even have BPD traits or have I missed something else?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As far as I am aware my ex-girlfriend has not been formally diagnosed as having a BPD. When I was with her, the only initial clue of potential issues was when we started dating and someone did say to me once, 'be careful', but would not elaborate further.

When some of her behaviours started I just took these at face value i.e. that it was purely a reflection that I had in fact found my soul mate and could not believe my luck. I had no frame of reference or awareness of BPD at this stage. It's only when the relationship ended and the pain ensued that I went searching for possible answers as I was left completely confounded. I accessed internet 'breakup advice', but it still left many questions unanswered. I came across BPD by chance and it was only then that I noted some similar patterns.

I have reflected on all the behaviours I noticed during our relationship and would like to share these for anyone's thoughts in case I have missed anything else which could account for the behaviours I witnessed and experienced. If nothing else I want to learn from my painful experience. Behaviours as follows:

1) Intense affection from the get go i.e. She said, ‘How I was her soul mate’, ‘sent by the angels to her’, declaring ‘deep love’ frequently and needed constant reassurance i.e. asked whether ‘we had bonded’ and wanted to get engaged by the eighth date and even told her two children to this effect. Very alluring and feminine. Said to me, 'that I had ignited a switch inside her'.

2) After extreme affection from Apr–Nov 2017, then followed by extreme negativity, how I did not care, how I pushed her away from the start, how I was too confident, how I upset her with my comments, how I did not like her children. Ended relationship suddenly with no immediate explanation and said, "We don't want your Xmas presents either." I think the 'we' was in reference to her and her children. Resumed communication, then because I asked for some space due to her frequent negative texts about me, she then said, ‘I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me everywhere’. This was Feb 2018. Never heard from her since and ignored any contact I made via letter.

3) Contradictions. Said she wanted to get engaged at date eight, but then when suggested getting engaged after eight months, she said she would only get engaged if everything was right, so presumably she felt everything was right after eight dates!

4) Very negative about her ex-husband and how he does not support her with his/her two children. She would frequently be negative about him in front of their children and in front of me. I would often advise her to temper her notes to him so as not to alienate him unnecessarily. He left when the children were very young and remarried and has two children with his current wife (lives close by).

5) Married twice and seemed to have difficult relationship endings. Called or threatened the police on her ex partner, neighbours and contacted the police about me because I sent her some letters when she blocked me everywhere (letters were friendly and none threatening and tried to address the fact that she perceived I did not care about her).

6) Poor relationship with parents. Difficult relationship with her mother and father. Alleges her mother constantly criticises her parenting skills (allegedly says she does not do enough for her children!) and they engaged in periods of ignoring one another for long periods and her father struggles with both her and his wife’s ‘overbearing’ parenting approach. Both tend to do every practical task possible for the children (peel their fruit, clean their rooms and undertake every household task). Her mother and father also have a difficult relationship with each other and were on the verge of splitting.

7) Has two children (boy and girl). The boy has challenging behaviour and both seem very immature for their ages. Tends to do everything for them then complains how lazy they are.

8) Always seems to loom from one crisis to the next and has a chaotic home life with few barriers in-situ. Acts immature and as a peer alongside her daughter. Engages in much teen speak and always on Snapchat, FB, Whatsapp, Twitter etc (she is in her mid 40’s). Would air her difficulties at work and seek support/sympathy.
 
9) Forever complaining about ailments i.e. sore legs, headaches, period pains and even criticised me for ‘not saying sorry that her ovaries were hurting’. Daughter also has a lot of ailments and health issues. This impacts on activities. Frequent trips to casualty and lots of conversation about health issues and medication.

10) Complained that I did not take enough interest in her children, but then appeared frosty when I suggested undertaking cycling or activities with her son that did not involve her. Very protective of her children to outsiders. Asked her to let me know how her daughter was after she called the GP, but told, 'she would let her father know', but not me. To be fair this was the day when she broke up with me.

11) Very focused on her appearance and did not appear to have any hobbies/interests. Talked about enhancement surgery.

12) Liked to appear to be a victim of circumstances and referred to how she did not like boys/men.

13) Has a babyish type voice and appears to need rescuing from problems. Often complaining about how men have let her down and how her children are demanding and lazy. If offer advice/solutions pertaining to her problems, or children, then not taken well as then this is perceived as criticising her parenting skills.

14) Appears to get very upset about minor issues and holds onto comments and then later draws upon these as a sign of lack of caring.

15) Sudden temper outbursts (no violence noted though).

16) Intense texting all hours and into the early hours. Delay of responses causes her agitation and interpreted as not caring/lack of interest. Very affectionate texting in the initial period, but negative texting during post breakup phase. One day when she annoyed me I was curt with her and then was working in the garage. She phoned me incessantly until I answered.

17) Became jealous. We met at work and she started to question why I was supervising female staff so long and was upset if I did not acknowledge her at work. She did not seem to understand the need to maintain professional boundaries. Asked me if I ever met any single women at the gym or when cycling.

18) Showed no interest in my interests or background career. Did not like me to have independent interests. This was criticised as 'gets on her nerves'.

19) Critical of my friends even those who she had never even met.

20) Did not like me mentioning exe’s and criticised me for talking about them too much, even though she asked the questions. Could not understand why I maintained a friendly relationship with them. I was with my previous ex partner for 19-years and supported her son from the age of 11-30 years old and still maintain a relationship to this day. She did not like this.

21) Destroyed all material related to her own exe’s and did not have any photo’s of her ex-husband (children’s father) on show.

22) Unable to apologise and take responsibility for events. Does not appear to be able to make the connection between cause and effect. When I said, we both had made mistakes with the relationship, she responded with, “I have not made any mistakes!”

23) Very black and white thinking. Does not forgive easily and once an ex always an ex in her view and needs to be cut away. Had very strong views on law and order/capital punishment and was very keen to join a local anti-paedophile group.
 
24) Had a lot of male friends on Facebook and did not want me to link as friends and also blocked me on Facebook from even accessing her homepage.

25) I never met any of her friends or family.

26) After seven months said the relationship was over simply because I asked her to unblock me on Facebook. Later cited that it was because I pushed her away and how she thought I did not even like her.

27) Very sensitive to criticism, but happily insulting to me. Said food I made was 'gross' and 'minging'. Yet became very upset because I said she looked tired in one photo she sent.

28) Very sexual and willing to engage in unsafe sex. Was not averse to having another child with me initially.

29) After initially breaking up with me continued to text and still needed validation even though she ended the relationship i.e. asking if I thought she was very special and whether I missed her. The next minute hardly any responses and very negative texts about me. Ignored the prospect of ever meeting up and refused to take phone calls from me. Just said 'she needed to think about things'.

30) After saying I would never hear from her again and she was blocking me, did not appear to have any emotional attachment to me whatsoever, or appear perturbed by breaking up. Moved on instantaneously.

31) Although we no longer work in the same place together (I left), when I recently tried to contact an ex-colleague I worked closely with, my ex-colleague ignored my contact attempts. I suspect my character may have been besmirched by my ex. It's a small organisation/team. I cannot prove this of course, but it seems coincidental when I was told to keep in touch with my ex-colleagues.

[Inko51]

As far as I am aware my ex-girlfriend has not been formally diagnosed as having a BPD. When I was with her, the only initial clue of potential issues was when we started dating and someone did say to me once, 'be careful', but would not elaborate further.

When some of her behaviours started I just took these at face value i.e. that it was purely a reflection that I had in fact found my soul mate and could not believe my luck. I had no frame of reference or awareness of BPD at this stage. It's only when the relationship ended and the pain ensued that I went searching for possible answers as I was left completely confounded. I accessed internet 'breakup advice', but it still left many questions unanswered. I came across BPD by chance and it was only then that I noted some similar patterns.

I have reflected on all the behaviours I noticed during our relationship and would like to share these for anyone's thoughts in case I have missed anything else which could account for the behaviours I witnessed and experienced. If nothing else I want to learn from my painful experience. Behaviours as follows:

1) Intense affection from the get go i.e. She said, ‘How I was her soul mate’, ‘sent by the angels to her’, declaring ‘deep love’ frequently and needed constant reassurance i.e. asked whether ‘we had bonded’ and wanted to get engaged by the eighth date and even told her two children to this effect. Very alluring and feminine. Said to me, 'that I had ignited a switch inside her'.

2) After extreme affection from Apr–Nov 2017, then followed by extreme negativity, how I did not care, how I pushed her away from the start, how I was too confident, how I upset her with my comments, how I did not like her children. Ended relationship suddenly with no immediate explanation and said, "We don't want your Xmas presents either." I think the 'we' was in reference to her and her children. Resumed communication, then because I asked for some space due to her frequent negative texts about me, she then said, ‘I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me everywhere’. This was Feb 2018. Never heard from her since and ignored any contact I made via letter.

3) Contradictions. Said she wanted to get engaged at date eight, but then when suggested getting engaged after eight months, she said she would only get engaged if everything was right, so presumably she felt everything was right after eight dates!

4) Very negative about her ex-husband and how he does not support her with his/her two children. She would frequently be negative about him in front of their children and in front of me. I would often advise her to temper her notes to him so as not to alienate him unnecessarily. He left when the children were very young and remarried and has two children with his current wife (lives close by).

5) Married twice and seemed to have difficult relationship endings. Called or threatened the police on her ex partner, neighbours and contacted the police about me because I sent her some letters when she blocked me everywhere (letters were friendly and none threatening and tried to address the fact that she perceived I did not care about her).

6) Poor relationship with parents. Difficult relationship with her mother and father. Alleges her mother constantly criticises her parenting skills (allegedly says she does not do enough for her children!) and they engaged in periods of ignoring one another for long periods and her father struggles with both her and his wife’s ‘overbearing’ parenting approach. Both tend to do every practical task possible for the children (peel their fruit, clean their rooms and undertake every household task). Her mother and father also have a difficult relationship with each other and were on the verge of splitting.

7) Has two children (boy and girl). The boy has challenging behaviour and both seem very immature for their ages. Tends to do everything for them then complains how lazy they are.

8) Always seems to loom from one crisis to the next and has a chaotic home life with few barriers in-situ. Acts immature and as a peer alongside her daughter. Engages in much teen speak and always on Snapchat, FB, Whatsapp, Twitter etc (she is in her mid 40’s). Would air her difficulties at work and seek support/sympathy.
 
9) Forever complaining about ailments i.e. sore legs, headaches, period pains and even criticised me for ‘not saying sorry that her ovaries were hurting’. Daughter also has a lot of ailments and health issues. This impacts on activities. Frequent trips to casualty and lots of conversation about health issues and medication.

10) Complained that I did not take enough interest in her children, but then appeared frosty when I suggested undertaking cycling or activities with her son that did not involve her. Very protective of her children to outsiders. Asked her to let me know how her daughter was after she called the GP, but told, 'she would let her father know', but not me. To be fair this was the day when she broke up with me.

11) Very focused on her appearance and did not appear to have any hobbies/interests. Talked about enhancement surgery.

12) Liked to appear to be a victim of circumstances and referred to how she did not like boys/men.

13) Has a babyish type voice and appears to need rescuing from problems. Often complaining about how men have let her down and how her children are demanding and lazy. If offer advice/solutions pertaining to her problems, or children, then not taken well as then this is perceived as criticising her parenting skills.

14) Appears to get very upset about minor issues and holds onto comments and then later draws upon these as a sign of lack of caring.

15) Sudden temper outbursts (no violence noted though).

16) Intense texting all hours and into the early hours. Delay of responses causes her agitation and interpreted as not caring/lack of interest. Very affectionate texting in the initial period, but negative texting during post breakup phase. One day when she annoyed me I was curt with her and then was working in the garage. She phoned me incessantly until I answered.

17) Became jealous. We met at work and she started to question why I was supervising female staff so long and was upset if I did not acknowledge her at work. She did not seem to understand the need to maintain professional boundaries. Asked me if I ever met any single women at the gym or when cycling.

18) Showed no interest in my interests or background career. Did not like me to have independent interests. This was criticised as 'gets on her nerves'.

19) Critical of my friends even those who she had never even met.

20) Did not like me mentioning exe’s and criticised me for talking about them too much, even though she asked the questions. Could not understand why I maintained a friendly relationship with them. I was with my previous ex partner for 19-years and supported her son from the age of 11-30 years old and still maintain a relationship to this day. She did not like this.

21) Destroyed all material related to her own exe’s and did not have any photo’s of her ex-husband (children’s father) on show.

22) Unable to apologise and take responsibility for events. Does not appear to be able to make the connection between cause and effect. When I said, we both had made mistakes with the relationship, she responded with, “I have not made any mistakes!”

23) Very black and white thinking. Does not forgive easily and once an ex always an ex in her view and needs to be cut away. Had very strong views on law and order/capital punishment and was very keen to join a local anti-paedophile group.
 
24) Had a lot of male friends on Facebook and did not want me to link as friends and also blocked me on Facebook from even accessing her homepage.

25) I never met any of her friends or family.

26) After seven months said the relationship was over simply because I asked her to unblock me on Facebook. Later cited that it was because I pushed her away and how she thought I did not even like her.

27) Very sensitive to criticism, but happily insulting to me. Said food I made was 'gross' and 'minging'. Yet became very upset because I said she looked tired in one photo she sent.

28) Very sexual and willing to engage in unsafe sex. Was not averse to having another child with me initially.

29) After initially breaking up with me continued to text and still needed validation even though she ended the relationship i.e. asking if I thought she was very special and whether I missed her. The next minute hardly any responses and very negative texts about me. Ignored the prospect of ever meeting up and refused to take phone calls from me. Just said 'she needed to think about things'.

30) After saying I would never hear from her again and she was blocking me, did not appear to have any emotional attachment to me whatsoever, or appear perturbed by breaking up. Moved on instantaneously.

31) Although we no longer work in the same place together (I left), when I recently tried to contact an ex-colleague I worked closely with, my ex-colleague ignored my contact attempts. I suspect my character may have been besmirched by my ex. It's a small organisation/team. I cannot prove this of course, but it seems coincidental when I was told to keep in touch with my ex-colleagues.

[Cromwell]

As far as I am aware my ex-girlfriend has not been formally diagnosed as having a BPD. When I was with her, the only initial clue of potential issues was when we started dating and someone did say to me once, 'be careful', but would not elaborate further.

When some of her behaviours started I just took these at face value i.e. that it was purely a reflection that I had in fact found my soul mate and could not believe my luck. I had no frame of reference or awareness of BPD at this stage. It's only when the relationship ended and the pain ensued that I went searching for possible answers as I was left completely confounded. I accessed internet 'breakup advice', but it still left many questions unanswered. I came across BPD by chance and it was only then that I noted some similar patterns.

I have reflected on all the behaviours I noticed during our relationship and would like to share these for anyone's thoughts in case I have missed anything else which could account for the behaviours I witnessed and experienced. If nothing else I want to learn from my painful experience. Behaviours as follows:

1) Intense affection from the get go i.e. She said, ‘How I was her soul mate’, ‘sent by the angels to her’, declaring ‘deep love’ frequently and needed constant reassurance i.e. asked whether ‘we had bonded’ and wanted to get engaged by the eighth date and even told her two children to this effect. Very alluring and feminine. Said to me, 'that I had ignited a switch inside her'.

2) After extreme affection from Apr–Nov 2017, then followed by extreme negativity, how I did not care, how I pushed her away from the start, how I was too confident, how I upset her with my comments, how I did not like her children. Ended relationship suddenly with no immediate explanation and said, "We don't want your Xmas presents either." I think the 'we' was in reference to her and her children. Resumed communication, then because I asked for some space due to her frequent negative texts about me, she then said, ‘I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me everywhere’. This was Feb 2018. Never heard from her since and ignored any contact I made via letter.

3) Contradictions. Said she wanted to get engaged at date eight, but then when suggested getting engaged after eight months, she said she would only get engaged if everything was right, so presumably she felt everything was right after eight dates!

4) Very negative about her ex-husband and how he does not support her with his/her two children. She would frequently be negative about him in front of their children and in front of me. I would often advise her to temper her notes to him so as not to alienate him unnecessarily. He left when the children were very young and remarried and has two children with his current wife (lives close by).

5) Married twice and seemed to have difficult relationship endings. Called or threatened the police on her ex partner, neighbours and contacted the police about me because I sent her some letters when she blocked me everywhere (letters were friendly and none threatening and tried to address the fact that she perceived I did not care about her). 

6) Poor relationship with parents. Difficult relationship with her mother and father. Alleges her mother constantly criticises her parenting skills (allegedly says she does not do enough for her children!) and they engaged in periods of ignoring one another for long periods and her father struggles with both her and his wife’s ‘overbearing’ parenting approach. Both tend to do every practical task possible for the children (peel their fruit, clean their rooms and undertake every household task). Her mother and father also have a difficult relationship with each other and were on the verge of splitting.

7) Has two children (boy and girl). The boy has challenging behaviour and both seem very immature for their ages. Tends to do everything for them then complains how lazy they are.

8) Always seems to loom from one crisis to the next and has a chaotic home life with few barriers in-situ. Acts immature and as a peer alongside her daughter. Engages in much teen speak and always on Snapchat, FB, Whatsapp, Twitter etc (she is in her mid 40’s). Would air her difficulties at work and seek support/sympathy.
 
9) Forever complaining about ailments i.e. sore legs, headaches, period pains and even criticised me for ‘not saying sorry that her ovaries were hurting’. Daughter also has a lot of ailments and health issues. This impacts on activities. Frequent trips to casualty and lots of conversation about health issues and medication.

10) Complained that I did not take enough interest in her children, but then appeared frosty when I suggested undertaking cycling or activities with her son that did not involve her. Very protective of her children to outsiders. Asked her to let me know how her daughter was after she called the GP, but told, 'she would let her father know', but not me. To be fair this was the day when she broke up with me.

11) Very focused on her appearance and did not appear to have any hobbies/interests. Talked about enhancement surgery.

12) Liked to appear to be a victim of circumstances and referred to how she did not like boys/men.

13) Has a babyish type voice and appears to need rescuing from problems. Often complaining about how men have let her down and how her children are demanding and lazy. If offer advice/solutions pertaining to her problems, or children, then not taken well as then this is perceived as criticising her parenting skills.

14) Appears to get very upset about minor issues and holds onto comments and then later draws upon these as a sign of lack of caring.

15) Sudden temper outbursts (no violence noted though).

16) Intense texting all hours and into the early hours. Delay of responses causes her agitation and interpreted as not caring/lack of interest. Very affectionate texting in the initial period, but negative texting during post breakup phase. One day when she annoyed me I was curt with her and then was working in the garage. She phoned me incessantly until I answered.

17) Became jealous. We met at work and she started to question why I was supervising female staff so long and was upset if I did not acknowledge her at work. She did not seem to understand the need to maintain professional boundaries. Asked me if I ever met any single women at the gym or when cycling.

18) Showed no interest in my interests or background career. Did not like me to have independent interests. This was criticised as 'gets on her nerves'.

19) Critical of my friends even those who she had never even met.

20) Did not like me mentioning exe’s and criticised me for talking about them too much, even though she asked the questions. Could not understand why I maintained a friendly relationship with them. I was with my previous ex partner for 19-years and supported her son from the age of 11-30 years old and still maintain a relationship to this day. She did not like this.

21) Destroyed all material related to her own exe’s and did not have any photo’s of her ex-husband (children’s father) on show.

22) Unable to apologise and take responsibility for events. Does not appear to be able to make the connection between cause and effect. When I said, we both had made mistakes with the relationship, she responded with, “I have not made any mistakes!”

23) Very black and white thinking. Does not forgive easily and once an ex always an ex in her view and needs to be cut away. Had very strong views on law and order/capital punishment and was very keen to join a local anti-paedophile group.
 
24) Had a lot of male friends on Facebook and did not want me to link as friends and also blocked me on Facebook from even accessing her homepage.

25) I never met any of her friends or family.

26) After seven months said the relationship was over simply because I asked her to unblock me on Facebook. Later cited that it was because I pushed her away and how she thought I did not even like her.

27) Very sensitive to criticism, but happily insulting to me. Said food I made was 'gross' and 'minging'. Yet became very upset because I said she looked tired in one photo she sent.

28) Very sexual and willing to engage in unsafe sex. Was not averse to having another child with me initially.

29) After initially breaking up with me continued to text and still needed validation even though she ended the relationship i.e. asking if I thought she was very special and whether I missed her. The next minute hardly any responses and very negative texts about me. Ignored the prospect of ever meeting up and refused to take phone calls from me. Just said 'she needed to think about things'.

30) After saying I would never hear from her again and she was blocking me, did not appear to have any emotional attachment to me whatsoever, or appear perturbed by breaking up. Moved on instantaneously.

31) Although we no longer work in the same place together (I left), when I recently tried to contact an ex-colleague I worked closely with, my ex-colleague ignored my contact attempts. I suspect my character may have been besmirched by my ex. It's a small organisation/team. I cannot prove this of course, but it seems coincidental when I was told to keep in touch with my ex-colleagues.

 a lot of BPD red flags there. Did she have any alcohol or substance misuse. threats of suicide or emotional blackmail/attention seeking behaviour? I only marked stuff based mostly on my own experience and what ive read on the subject but it does sound a lot of contributing traits.

[Inko51]

Hi Cromwell,

I am not aware whether she personally had a history of alcohol or substance misuse (I did not see any evidence of it to be fair), but I do know her father has an alcohol problem.

In terms of attention seeking behaviour, I am only aware that she would break down crying at work based on what was happening in her personal life, problems with her children, previous relationships etc.

I did find contacting the police odd though. I would fully understand if I had been aggressive or turning up frequently/stalking her, but I sent a few letters over a period of a month and a half. They only tried to address the issues she said upset her about me and the last letter merely stated that I would not contact her further and wished her well and should she ever change her mind she knew where I was. I also included a drawing I did before Xmas but was unable to give to her at the time. I don't even know if she has still blocked me on social media. I have made a point of not even bothering to find out as no good can come of it.

Previously because of an email I sent which upset her she said 'never contact her again', but when I explained via text, she started writing again, so I expected the situation to be much the same this time if I'm honest.

I have never experienced anyone like this before, so was probably a bit green round the gills. If faced with this again, I certainly would not write, but merely walk away. As a professional person, I cannot understand all this blocking. It just seems nasty and uncalled for. You are left wondering what you have done to warrant such anger and what appears to be hate.

[Cromwell]

Hi Cromwell,

I am not aware whether she personally had a history of alcohol or substance misuse (I did not see any evidence of it to be fair), but I do know her father has an alcohol problem.

In terms of attention seeking behaviour, I am only aware that she would break down crying at work based on what was happening in her personal life, problems with her children, previous relationships etc.

I did find contacting the police odd though. I would fully understand if I had been aggressive or turning up frequently/stalking her, but I sent a few letters over a period of a month and a half. They only tried to address the issues she said upset her about me and the last letter merely stated that I would not contact her further and wished her well and should she ever change her mind she knew where I was. I also included a drawing I did before Xmas but was unable to give to her at the time. I don't even know if she has still blocked me on social media. I have made a point of not even bothering to find out as no good can come of it.

Previously because of an email I sent which upset her she said 'never contact her again', but when I explained via text, she started writing again, so I expected the situation to be much the same this time if I'm honest.

I have never experienced anyone like this before, so was probably a bit green round the gills. If faced with this again, I certainly would not write, but merely walk away. As a professional person, I cannot understand all this blocking. It just seems nasty and uncalled for. You are left wondering what you have done to warrant such anger and what appears to be hate.

Calling the police trying to get restraint orders or any type of litigation is very common BPD behaviour from what Ive read on these boards so im not surprised at all. The behaviour is not odd, it is done for the purpose of making her appear to herself as a victim and part of painting you black - meaning - making you the one solely and entirely at fault for the end of the relationship (do you notice a pattern emerging?).

"my ex was crazy, he stalked me" (conveniently ommitting the fact she encouraged it by texting you to keep eliciting responses). Always keep these texts to protect yourself if you get any more, or emails etc.

I had learned about this whilst still in my relationship which made me very careful when it came to ending it, Ive never had to engineer a way out, it was new to me. Just as you say, you havent experienced this before, most people find it normal to have some sense of closure by letter to tell the other how you feel, sorry it didnt work out etc, but in cases of BPD this gets blown out of proportion and you ended up being painted as "crazy" or a stalker who wont leave the person alone (to the new person in their life, this reinforces them more as feeling a white knight/saviour and reinforces the strength of the relationship, which is what the BPD wants.

In my case I went completely No contact without any warning and made sure to block her from everything. The end result is that all she could do was to stalk me at my work or home which she did a few times, shouting abuse, which i didnt react to. If it were the other way around and I would have been devastated, sent her texts or wrote her letters, I fully expect either her new victim/boyfriend would be at my door or the cops with a "stop stalking this woman" warning.

So dont beat yourself up about this, it is well known behaviour. Its not possibly to say if your ex had BPD, but certainly all those red flags I think youve made your own conclusion that theres at least something unhinged about her, at least I can see this not being emotionally involved.

Just feel good to come out of this unscathed as best as possible, it doesnt always end up so well, I would wish that having the police at my door would be the least of what ive had to put up with or worry about.  

[Inko51]

Thanks Cromwell, yes, I guess by comparison to yourself and some of the others, I have come out of it better than most. Yes, there is a sense of injustice like you intimated about your situation i.e. had you responded like your ex then you would most likely be on the end of a restraining order.

For the last few weeks when my attachment to her was still very strong I came so close to wanting to make contact with her, but I had to forcibly check myself as I instinctively knew that if I made contact just once she would not hesitate to return to the police. In fact I felt she was just waiting for me to slip up as this would also feed into her drama. Well that's what I believed anyway. I had to contact my previous employer and did not expect her to answer the phone, but I just kept it professional and did not speak to her beyond asking her to transfer me. I did panic momentarily though as I was fearful she may embellish something.

The thing is they seem to hold the power in these situations as I would not dream of going to the police even when she rang me incessantly at one time. We do not do to them what they do to us. And the saying the strongest bargaining position is being willing to walk away and not care. Again because we tend to care we are at a disadvantage. In a way this is what I have kept thinking about i.e. If she really does not care about me then why do I continue to care about her?

Thank you. I have retained all the messages I have received for the reason you mentioned. In some ways her actions have helped a bit because if I weakened and was tempted to make contact with her I now don't have that option unless I want to incur legal problems. I still get sad that it has ended like this. I have no issue with her ending the relationship as that's her right to do so and yes I would still be sad. Instead it's the way that it is done and the vindictive nature underpinning the actions which is difficult to palate. I have to keep reminding myself she is ill (as far as I am aware). I only ever wrote nice things and treated her really well in my opinion giving her nice experiences and we seemed to connect at such a deep level.

Funny you should say about the white knight/saviour for her next squeeze, because when I met her she told me that she had to threaten her previous ex with the police because he made contact with her. There was a touch of irony as he was a police officer himself so contacting the police about the police in effect. I didn't pay attention to this at the time, but now I have gone down the same pathway. The only thing I would say is that in the profession I am in if I do find out she has slandered me then I would not hesitate to take legal action.

[Cromwell]

Hi again,

You seem to have a solid grasp of what has happened and what you need to protect yourself. I hear you with regards to the way it has been ended, leaving a bitter pill to swallow. Nothing new at all about these kinds of relationships because if you are the one who is discarded it will be just subsequent to have been painted black, therefore, completely despised. There is no negotiation or parting in an amicable way that considers your feelings. To be more accurate, the whole relationship with a borderline is never about your needs in the first place. That is the crux of the disorder and why it makes it so challenging to deal with.

Which makes me follow on to the next thing that happens a lot - being "recycled" back into the relationship - possibly - and despite all this drama, you cant expect that say, 6 months from now you dont get contacted out of the blue - as if nothing had ever happened - asking to meet up. When she has been discarded, as one example, and needs someone to fill this horrible emotional pain. ie. you become needed again.

if she doesnt care, why am I?"

Exactly right.

Someone with BPD does not and has not a reason to care about anyone else, in their minds in this world it is every one for themselves - thats the mindset that was learned at an early stage in life.

[Inko51]

Thanks Cromwell, the funny thing is although it really helps to understand sometimes the pain levels don't reflect this and your brain still starts playing tricks with you to the extent of imagining all sorts.

I still wake up and it's the first thing I think of and I get a sudden wave of sadness and perplexity as to what has just happened. I also get annoyed if I'm honest that she is able to paint herself as a victim in my previous work place, although to be a fair a couple of people did say to me 'be careful' when I first dated her, so I suspect not everyone falls for her tales of woe.

In terms of recycling, I have seen posts where people become accustomed to this pattern and if they can handle it then all well and good to them, but in my case, I really don't want to ever go through this again so recycling is certainly not an option for me. I want to take people at face value and build trust over time rather than live in a perpetual state of flux and uncertainty.

I am sorry that people have experienced such trauma to end up like this, but by the same token that is not my fault and as much as I would like to help, I am not doing so at the expense of my own health. As angry as I am with her, I don't wish her any harm in spite of her actions, but I have no place for such callous actions in my own life.

She has cost me immense pain, immense financial and time loss and life is short as they say so I don't want to waste any more time on someone who is unable to consider someone else's needs too. The problem I had was my focus was on her children and trying to work out how to manage the complexities of these variables for the future, I hadn't even considered that I needed to manage her challenging behaviour too. Too much for me I'm afraid!