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Author Topic: Being Scared  (Read 533 times)
Cromwell
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« on: April 14, 2018, 11:40:14 AM »

Regardless of all the expected emotions which are associated with heartbreak in general, and being able to come to terms with them. I really feel like Ive overcome most of this, the bitterness, the anger, the "missing this person".

It is almost at the stage of being scared of becoming indifferent, but also being scared as Ive started to think more about who this person really was that I spent years with, and only now coming to terms at making some sense out of it all.

Im actually to a more predominant emotion and that is, "scared" of this person.

When I think of just how callous and cold hearted she must be within, to have on the one hand, needed to spend that time with me but at the same time, have devalued me and I suspect, held grudges. I just find it scary to think I was with this person, loved them, and had made my life so vulnerable and open to them. based on a very misguided perception of what I thought she was for real.

Im scared that the minute I feel ive finally "forgotten", she will make some re-appearance again, a week, a month, a year, 10 years? Probably at the worst possible moment knowing my luck. Even if she doesnt, this experience I just wish could diminish away from my thoughts.

Despite those (guard dropped) feelings of being in love, I know that subconciously for a long time, I knew something was not right and it led me to going no contact. In that time of NC, Ive been able to slowly piece together things I didnt before and I really feel that she was aiming to cause me a great deal of harm and was a main reason she hooked me back in when I tried to seperate before. She stalked through my whole life and past systematically, a complete disregard to the boundaries of privacy. On the other hand, I was never allowed to do the same, barely knowing anything more even about her closest family members or friends.

Hopefully, she is content with new victim (i know that sounds bad to say), and has became disinterested in me, or knows that I wont ever fall for a recycle. but ive been through a lot in life that hasnt made me feel this level of apprehension. I think the problem is that she was never able to succesfully validate to herself that I was the bad person, never able to genuinely within herself paint me completely black.

This feeling of being scared is one that has underpinned all the other emotions of break up, but is one that I never actually fully noticed, its surfacing now that it had before simply as time as going on and my other feelings which dominated my thoughts and actions are ebbing away.

Has anyone felt scared about either leaving their ex for the sake of (keep you friends close but your enemies even closer) or felt scared after leaving that you eventually comprehended just how dangerous a person you had been with.

It hasnt got me to the stage where it is really stopping me live my day to day life, but it is almost like a fear at the pit of the stomach that wont go away, of not knowing what this person is fully capable of doing. Based on what I know she treated her exs, they got a small bit of stalking especially soon after breakup as well as a smear campaign. Ive had both so far, I really just hope im over-reacting about nothing, but it does wear you down when really I just wish to get on with my life. It makes me pity her i never wanted to see her as being that sad as a person, but I really am beginning to see things how they really are and not how I wanted to.
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
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« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2018, 02:00:08 PM »

Hey there, Cromwell. This is a good topic. Thank you for posting it.

Im actually to a more predominant emotion and that is, "scared" of this person.

I know how you feel here. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but if I’ve interpreted what you’re saying here, the fear comes from us opening our lives up to people that are dangerous for us. Is that a proper translation?

Im scared that the minute I feel ive finally "forgotten", she will make some re-appearance again, a week, a month, a year, 10 years? Probably at the worst possible moment knowing my luck. Even if she doesnt, this experience I just wish could diminish away from my thoughts.

I’m wondering how you might receive an advance or recycle attempt from her. Your excerpt here has me thinking about Radical Acceptance . Have you read about it here? I have the same worries of being strong enough to not re-engage my ex if she needed to recycle because she couldn’t find the supply she needed, and was tired from looking. Personally, and for lack of better words, I refuse to be the Plan B, sloppy seconds anymore. I’m worth more than that. So are you.

In that time of NC, Ive been able to slowly piece together things I didnt before and I really feel that she was aiming to cause me a great deal of harm and was a main reason she hooked me back in when I tried to seperate before.

They know what they know. This is, unfortunately, learned behavior. Do you have a decent grasp on her upbringing and family dynamic? Causing us harm is a defense mechanism. In order to keep us in a comfortable place for them, a place of control. Isolated and at their disposal. It’s a sad existence for both involved.

but ive been through a lot in life that hasnt made me feel this level of apprehension.

If you’re comfortable in sharing, what are you speaking about here? In many of our cases, it’s been determined that previous experiences may have played a part in why we were attracted to our partners, and they to us.

This is a good post, Cromwell! Let’s keep it going. It will be very constructive for the board. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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Cromwell
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« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2018, 03:19:32 PM »

Hey there, Cromwell. This is a good topic. Thank you for posting it.

Im actually to a more predominant emotion and that is, "scared" of this person.

I know how you feel here. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but if I’ve interpreted what you’re saying here, the fear comes from us opening our lives up to people that are dangerous for us. Is that a proper translation?

Precisely JNChell, I have always been a very careful and hesistant person because there were issues from my upbringing that I carried and especially as a teenager and into my 20s, I felt that I wanted my relationships to be built foward looking and I never talked much at all about my past, I felt that it wasnt important. I was often called a "dark horse" by my girlfriends, but it didnt bother them and they mostly found it attractive trait. Yet my BPDx was like no one I had encountered before and the ease that she made me feel i felt a complete trust in her that no one else had managed. It was what made me in the end super vulnerable and in the devaluation stages she did exploit, it has made me feel stupid for trusting and has made it all the more painful. She has spread very personal things I shared with her to others, friends I have had since childhood. I dont have any dark secrets but I was brought up to appreciate that regardless of how deep a relationship is, there is still a boundary of privacy, all of that was erased in my time with her, she went through everything that was personal to me, yet I know she would not have in the slightest have appreciated if I had done those things to her, in fact she was always guarded about me talking to her family, friends and ex relationships was absolutely a no-no, even though one tried to speak to me. I understand now why this was the case, but it has been a mixture of embarassing as well as distressing nonetheless.  When she triangulated, she gave this person access to my bank accounts etc, and had stalked my phone, email, GPS location, due to her paranoia I was cheating on her, then like a flick of a switch she could be back to idolising me again when I pushed her back, would never admit what she had done despite me knowing. What upsets me the most is that she was the one person that I really made myself an "open book" to anyway, and trusted her with so much, but rather than appreciate it she went beyond to the point of wanting to control everything. it really felt like having my own identity stripped away bit by bit, I wouldnt put up with this level of intrusion even if I was married. So it scares me the most is the controlling element, and that I have learned I was right in the past to be cautious, despite at times feeling that my relationships never got deeper because I didnt

Im scared that the minute I feel ive finally "forgotten", she will make some re-appearance again, a week, a month, a year, 10 years? Probably at the worst possible moment knowing my luck. Even if she doesnt, this experience I just wish could diminish away from my thoughts.

I’m wondering how you might receive an advance or recycle attempt from her. Your excerpt here has me thinking about Radical Acceptance . Have you read about it here? I have the same worries of being strong enough to not re-engage my ex if she needed to recycle because she couldn’t find the supply she needed, and was tired from looking. Personally, and for lack of better words, I refuse to be the Plan B, sloppy seconds anymore. I’m worth more than that. So are you.

I think after this amount of time, as well as that I became far more assertive during the time of her last recycle, that she knows that the "game is over" so to speak. It didnt stop her trying to stalk me, but I stopped her being able to to all extents. I was the longest relationship she had, she always said with happiness, but looking back I see it that I was the best person for putting up with her drama and needs before discarding her. she really had it in her mind we would always be together, and this troubles me a bit in my sleep . I think I have just shifted from being completely unaware, to completely bolting down the hatches. I do respect her that considering she had all my pin numbers and cards, despite how reckless she was with money, she never went crazy with my cards which I did to test her. The same way it was so hurtful that I tested her by almost setting the pieces together where she could cheat on me, and then feeling devastated that she did. Im not really sure about the term Radical Acceptance but have seen people talk about in JNChell

In that time of NC, Ive been able to slowly piece together things I didnt before and I really feel that she was aiming to cause me a great deal of harm and was a main reason she hooked me back in when I tried to seperate before.

They know what they know. This is, unfortunately, learned behavior. Do you have a decent grasp on her upbringing and family dynamic? Causing us harm is a defense mechanism. In order to keep us in a comfortable place for them, a place of control. Isolated and at their disposal. It’s a sad existence for both involved.

during the devaluation phase, absolutely. she was still completely controlled by her mother in a very emotionally incestous way. it did concern me a lot aswell as painting the absent father entirely black. I tried at times to point out things that didnt make sense, but learned that she was too "programmed" to want to receive it. I believe the mother probably has BPD herself undiagnosed and she was burdened as being very much a codependent for her at the young age they split up. She told me she was always a "daddys girl" and believed all the bad things he said about her mother, but eventually she found out the truth and saw him for the 'snake' he was. You can probably work that out for yourself, I already did but yea, she learned control from the mother, who by the way, she cant ever leave because her mother needs her too much.

but ive been through a lot in life that hasnt made me feel this level of apprehension.

If you’re comfortable in sharing, what are you speaking about here? In many of our cases, it’s been determined that previous experiences may have played a part in why we were attracted to our partners, and they to us.

theres a fair share of mental illness in my family aswell as those who brought me up. I had a fair share of all the personality disordered people throughout life, and could always handle it (dont give the time of day to, dont trigger them and just avoid like the plague). I guess the only real difference is that I knew to avoid these people, saw them for who they were but I wasnt able to see it with my BPDx. If I hadnt been in such a clouded place at the time, I was using drugs, I would have had far better judgement. but for all the drugs I took, she was by far the most challenging to deal with. The reason of being scared is because unlike other people who have a clear motive for getting something, hers is in her own fantasy state of psychosis. She has brought former exs to the point of self harm. I joked to her that "i dont love you that much", and when I saw the look she gave back, well if you could see it yourself you know you are not dealing with someone who is predictable of what they are capable of

This is a good post, Cromwell! Let’s keep it going. It will be very constructive for the board. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thanks it is by sharing as much as I can that has helped me overcome things the most. i should have came here a year ago, but with my ever move watched I think if she would ever read any of this it would have been signing my own death warrant.   so by doing so now it is also part of trying to reclaim a bit of my own sense of control back over my life and if it happens to help anyone gain insight that makes me feel I am giving something back. If anything good has came out of this for me is that Ive definatly lost the ego being with her, she decimated it, and it kind of feels liberating in a strange sort of way

but yea, scared but trying to just refill the sandbags around the perimeter again. by that I mean, being through this is like having your weaknesses exposed, but at the same time learning about where they were and making them strong so that it doesnt happen again. Her whole campaing of terrorism against me is a result of one word that i used that hit to the core, and I did it in response to the vile way she cheated on me... .in 3 years I insulted her once, but I hit her at the weakest point, I called her "fat" whilst she was with the guy. that really was the same effect as using kryptonite against superman. I just never believed that to do this to a borderline would result in a grudge that she will probably carry forever. i think because of the fact that it was the only thing I really ever did to "hit back" at her during 3 years it just went straight to the core. By the way she was never really fat, but looking back I know now that she has the body-image issue as part of her condition. she wasnt actually fat at all, but she felt she was, I just blurted it out in the midst of being devastated, mocked and ridiculed by her texting me whilst she was with this NPD. Anyway will stop rambling, im more scared of the board having enough hard drive space, but if she ever reads any of this I hope she realises that yes, she managed to scare away a person who loved her. I said to her in the next text "dont worry, it doesnt matter, even you turned into a whale I would still love you for that huge personality of yours".

when I said that to her I never realised the irony behind it all, or maybe subconciously, I already did.

being scared helps in making me realise that this is not the person I should deserve, want or even long for anymore. But yea, i understand more about their need for control and how it manifests itself in cluster-b personality disorders. What I can say though is every PD or sociopath ive came across (many) were all cowards beneath the exterior. They could only feel powerful if it was against someone they saw as vulnerable enough. and to love someone is to become vulnerable.
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3519



« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2018, 03:36:59 PM »

Cromwell, you’ve been a great contributor in your short time here. As it’s said over and over here, we’re sorry that you’re here for the reasons being, but glad you’re here. I’m posting a link to a thread for you. I hope you find it helpful if you decide to read it.

Keep spending time here. It will help you. I say that with great confidence.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318882.msg12926211#msg12926211
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Cromwell
********
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1798


« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2018, 05:32:08 PM »

Cromwell, you’ve been a great contributor in your short time here. As it’s said over and over here, we’re sorry that you’re here for the reasons being, but glad you’re here. I’m posting a link to a thread for you. I hope you find it helpful if you decide to read it.

Keep spending time here. It will help you. I say that with great confidence.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318882.msg12926211#msg12926211
Thanks  JNChell I read the whole thread, it resonates a lot, I cant post in that board yet though but id like to say that I wont let what happened fundamentally change me. The thing that scares me is wondering if I will ever get over this, I never realised whilst in the relationship the underlying toll it was taking because the good times glossed over it so well. It does remind me of my upbringing in quite a sinister way, having to reflect on that from reading your post, but helpful all the same. Im scared that I might never be able to find the day I will leave these boards, or that there will be such a thing as true "recovery". because the more time goes on I realise there was far more to it than the relationship itself, it is a conduit to opening up some old wounds that had been long forgotten and I think thats what really makes it so difficult to deal with.
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3519



« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2018, 05:57:31 PM »

I never realised whilst in the relationship the underlying toll

What do you think caused this? Is it a residual thing, or a newly formed feeling from your ex?

it is a conduit to opening up some old wounds that had been long forgotten

Perhaps, Cromwell. What do you think? These relationships leave us bloody for sure. They’re also very good at bringing old wounds to the surface. The buried stuff. Do you think this is the case?


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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Cromwell
********
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1798


« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2018, 04:44:11 AM »

I never realised whilst in the relationship the underlying toll

What do you think caused this? Is it a residual thing, or a newly formed feeling from your ex?

it is a conduit to opening up some old wounds that had been long forgotten

Perhaps, Cromwell. What do you think? These relationships leave us bloody for sure. They’re also very good at bringing old wounds to the surface. The buried stuff. Do you think this is the case?


Its when I reflect and think to myself, how did you allow yourself to get treated like this for so long, when a healthy secure person wouldnt have tolerated it. It then reminds me of the skills I subconciously picked up in childhood by living with hostile parents and having no choice but to learn how to just cope with having their demands put first. But those were my parents and I put up with it until I left home and just accepted it all for what it was or to be more accurate, went into denial that the way I was treated was a big deal, or abusive, when the reality is that it was, and formed me into a person who learned to put up with other peoples behaviour unchallenged - in order to keep the peace, but having no regard for my own needs. Until it becomes too much internal stress and this is where the reaction becomes disproportionate or I just end up leaving these people for good. In the case of my ex, we were much the same people in that she had to do the same but the difference is that rather be glad that she had found someone who would treat her well, she instead adopted the very same controlling behaviour and used it on me. Then when she realised I would be making signs of wanting to split up with her, she would change back to her good side. I recognise the same behaviour from my upbringing, the few times I did fight back, for instance ran away from home, I wouldnt get punished I would get treated well. But its something I never really made sense of until this pattern with my BPDx ive been able to see it now that ive had time away from her, in the midst of the daily chaos making and drama, the fog and all the rest, there isnt the luxury of having a clear mind to rationalise all the things you are going through.
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