Hi Jama and welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us but so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. We can all relate in terms of dealing with a pwBPD (person with BPD) and the negative impact that can have on relationships with others. We also have several people who post here because they are dealing with a son or daughter in law who is believed to be BPD and a son or daughter in a relationship with them. It is a tough painful place to be for certain.
How do we get him to rejoin our family? We believe she won’t... .and I no longer want her to.
The best way is to learn about the disorder and learn how to use communication tools and strategies to aid in communication with the both of them. Often we need to change the way we look at things and change how we communicate as our usual ways only cause more alienation or harm to the relationship. The very best thing you can do for your soon is to not pressure and simply be there for him. Eventually he may realize what is going on and will need your love and support. Right now though, chances are he is in a place where he can't see what is really going on or is too overwhelmed to know where to begin. The worst thing you can do is try to suggest BPD in these situations.
I understand that you do not want her to rejoin the family. That is okay. At this point though, she is a package deal with your son. That does not mean you put up with bad behavior or abuse though. You still need to protect yourself with boundaries. Are you familiar with them? They are vital at maintaining a heathy environment for yourself/ We have articles that discuss
boundaries. At the bottom of the page of that article, there is a green box that says Read More and you can see more of our articles on boundaries. We also have a board titled
Library: tools and skills workshops that is full of other articles and posts that you may wish to read.
Is it possible he (too) has BPD?
Well anything is possible. I think what is more probable is that he is caught up in
F.O.G. (Fear. Obligation and Guilt) which is a powerful draw for a lot of people. Many people who become involved with pwBPD have co-dependent tendencies as well.
Co-dependency and BPD work very well together in some ways.
We can’t keep blaming her for his rejections... .
Agreed. He is an adult making his own decisions. There may be factors that are influencing him like FOG and co-dependency issues. Even so, he is responsible for his choices, the consequences of those choices and the repercussions of his behaviors.
He has rejected us... and almost all of his life-time friends.
This is the most painful part of all this. You are not alone in this experience. Unfortunately there are many people posting on this site who have either been in your son's shoes or your own. The good news is that many times, people will eventually come to see what is going on and will reach out to family and friends previously left out of their lives. It is important to be there for them when that happens but it is equally important that they can see the harm they have caused (IMO of course) so that it does not happen again.
BIG question: do I even ask if he recognizes/ believes she has BPD ?
Again, I would say no. At this point any attempt to get him to see her as you do or as a pwBPD will likely backfire and cause him to distance himself further. Focus on yourself and perhaps learning about the disorder and how to communicate so that things are easier for you. In the end doing so can only help you and perhaps help you maintain a good relationship with your son.
What are successful ways to get him back?
See above. He won't be able to see what you see until he is ready. FOG and denial are powerful. He may also be very dedicated to marriage and what it means to be faithful. Regardless, it would be counter-productive to force the issue.
I hope you continue to read and post as you feel the need. We can support and guide you through this. I did not want to leave you with too many links all at once. It is difficult enough to be in your situation and trying to absorb too much at once is not going to help.
Take good care and I hope to see you around. Feel free to explore.
