Sister uBPD nursing mother with dementia, other sibling w hoarding, health stuff

[8foldway]

I'm over 60 and still working on How to Deal.

Sister lives hundreds of miles away.  She oversees our Mom's care. We're very fortunate - Mom has money, estate plan, etc.  But sister's BPD causes unrelenting drama with Mom's care, nurses, etc.

Sister also deals with sibling in same town with hoarding and a chronic pain and incurable health issue. 

Enough empathy.

I've used Buddhism to great effect to help me, and keep me calm. Thought it might be The Answer to Sibling.

It's not. 

Working on developing boundaries for her and me.  Finally, finally grieving the loss of a sister relationship that I'm finally realizing - we NEVER had it.  And CAN never have it.

I still want to love her and respect her and help her.  The respect is the hardest part, as I know she lets the Rage Monkey drive her actions.  Or the Poor Me Pitty Party.

There But For the Grace of God also goes through my mind a lot, too.

So.  Gonna start small with:

Rule 1: If you rage at me, I will terminate our discussion and wait for you to tell me you're ready to talk.

Rule 2: No 'vomiting'.  Subrule: *I* determine what 'vomiting' is.  If you want to vomit, you must do so with your counselor or I will terminate our discussion and wait for you to tell me you're ready to talk.

Rule 3: No pity party support.  (I won't phrase it that way.)  "I can't listen to you if you're not  practicing self-care."  No tales of "I'm too busy to eat" or "I've forgotten my meds because of x/y/z emergency" etc.  I will terminate our discussion and wait for you to tell me you're ready to talk.

Rule 4:  No problem-solving with mother's care if you're not reading/watching the material I send you on dementia (Teepa Snow).  She keeps wanting to 'orient' Mom, or discuss "What do I do when Mom thinks her mom is waiting downstairs/etc.".  This is bull___ manipulation to get me to walk her through what to do and keep involved with her drama.  "If you're not going to use the information I've shared with you, I will terminate our discussion and wait for you to tell me... ."  Lucky for me, Mom's got 24/7 companion care AND nurses AND my other sibling in town.


A question for all of you:
TEXTING seems to be enabling many of her worst behaviors. I'm thinking of saying "No texting".  Call if it's urgent.  Email if it's not.  Add to the texting the bull___ that she keeps wanting ALL of us (4 sibs total) to answer every GD one of her texts with "K" "so I know you got it". 

Feedback?

 

[zachira]

It is so frustrating and heartbreaking to deal with a difficult parent that treats you badly, even if you do not live close by. I am in a similar situation with my mother with BPD, and am always looking for ways to avoid toxic communication and to make it more likely that she will be more respectful when we have contact. My mom has never learned to text or use email. It seems to work best to put all phone calls on speaker phone when her caretaker is present, as she acts better in the presence of an outsider. I try to only visit her when a caretaker is there. Let us know how you are doing, and how we can help. Many of the people on this board have challenging elderly parents that are exasperating to deal with because of their behaviors.

[Mutt]

Hi 8foldway,



Id like to join zachira and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you here but I am happy that you decided to join us.

question for all of you:
TEXTING seems to be enabling many of her worst behaviors. I'm thinking of saying "No texting".  Call if it's urgent.  Email if it's not.  Add to the texting the bull please read               | that she keeps wanting ALL of us (4 sibs total) to answer every GD one of her texts with "K" "so I know you got it". 

Feedback?

I dont have a parent I have an ex with BPD traits and for the last several years I communicate with her via email, I can take my time to think about my response and not everything is valid that she sends, i respond only to what is valid. My boundary is to talk only about the kids I refuse to JADE and divulge any information about my personal life of its an emergency call.

You can’t control what someone else does you can only control yourself I told her to email in the beginning and she disrespected the boundary if she call d or texted I responded back by email for a period it was like that several weeks maybe but I remained consistent didn’t pick up the phone or respond to he texts until she realized that the only channel that she will be able to get in touch with je is by email. I’ve talked to her twice in the phone and t cited maybe twice in the several years, the rest us in email it’s all tracked there in black and white, if I need a copy for court I. An I st print off copies of our communication.