labugsy
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: April 18, 2018, 12:46:17 PM » |
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Hi Everyone!
Longtime lurker here (like a year, at least), but this is my first post. My uBPDh and I have been struggling more so than usual lately. We have been together for just over 3 years, married for 1, and were friends for 3 years before dating. He has a son from his first marriage, who I have been helping to take care of since he was 9 months old. He is now almost 5. I noticed my H's extreme emotional sensitivity pretty early on, and actually came into information about BPD, and learned he almost certainly has BPD, about 2 years ago. Before we were married, there were plenty of emotional rollercoaster rides, but since being married, they have amplified 10X.
He was at baseline for about two months, until I took a job about 1.5 hrs from our house (I work from home all but one day a week). He initially acted supportive. Then, at some point, he decided that my taking a job so far away meant I wasn't going to be able to help him with picking my stepson up from daycare (not true, I work from home mostly!) and that I had taken this job further away to get away from the two of them, almost like it was my exit strategy. He did not tell me this until he bounced back and forth between painting me black and white a couple times. I tried to assure him that it was just that I HATED my old job, and could easily transfer to this office 1.5 hrs away, which had a position open that was perfect for me. While at baseline, he knew this and was happy for me. Now, he did not really seem to believe me, but pretended. I can tell pretty well by now when he is suppressing emotions.
Since then, he has been looking for EVERY SINGLE sign that I may be looking to leave him and my stepson. He went into crisis the weekend before last because I slept in for about 30 min after my he and my stepson woke up on Saturday morning. My H took this to mean that I did not want to be around either of them, and "hated" them. But he did not tell me that until 2 days later (pretty common for him), after screaming at me, throwing my headphones out our car window, calling me all sorts of terrible names, slamming the brakes and threatening to push me out of the car on the side of the road... .then a couple hours later, at home, he wakes me up at 1:00 AM, crying, begging me to help him with my stepson's Easter basket. I did not, saying I was too tired, but could help early the next morning. The next morning, he begged me to say that I would be around for future Easters... .when I said that was my full intention, he immediately switched back to his baseline, calm self. Then, things went great for three or four days... .until we were at a restaurant and when I said I didn't think we should be having kids anytime soon, for financial reasons, and since we are kinda having a rough time, he switched from being very friendly and sweet, and his eyes got a look he calls "hungry" when he is at baseline and willing to talk about his "letters" (he won't say BPD ever, but has admitted he has it), and he started talking about what a terrible, evil person I am. We had driven separately, and I have a boundary about being meanly insulted and condescended to like he does sometimes, so after giving him one "warning" about how mean he was being, I got up and left. He came back home, late, drunk, woke me up to ask me to find a music video on my phone for him. The next day he was very upset with me, and told me he did not want to see me or talk to me for a few days. I gave him that space. Two days later, he called me sobbing, terrified, thinking I was going to leave him, threatening suicide, and I was able to validate us out of it! One of my proudest moments, honestly. I guess my not being ready for kids (I'm 28, he's 37) meant I was leaving, in his mind. And so began the most intense idealization phase I've seen in a probably 6 months. I validated him through many work stresses. I thought we were both doing well, but idealization always scares me a bit... .
Which leads to this most recent crisis. I still am not sure what set it off, as he will only tell me once back at baseline. Maybe had something to do with the fact that while his car was in the shop, I would not let him take mine out drinking with his friend. We have talked about this, and he said he understood the boundary... .he consistently betrays my trust and drives it recklessly, think 120 mph on the highway. However, this time he was very upset with me, calling me controlling, etc. Ends up his friend (our mutual friend, really) came over, and the whole time my H was saying mean things about me. I told him, after friend left, that I would not be around him for a few hours until he could stop being so mean to me.
The next AM, he went into a rage. H wanted car again, and I said I'm sorry, you will have to take your work truck. We are working towards a place where I can trust him to drive my car again, but I'm not there yet. He knew all this from the day (and weeks) before. And he just lost it (maybe the shame of me not trusting him to drive my car?). Screaming, breaking things, threatening to break more things, threatening to kill one of our baby chicks, hiding the power cord for both our tvs, dumping boxes of my stuff out everywhere, calling me terrible names... .or in other words, a more severe version of his normal crisis mode. I was actually scared for the first time. Then, when he forcibly pushed me out of the house into the garage, I stayed outside for about 15 min to cool down. Then I went in and said, not as calmly as I would like, and with such bad timing (when will I learn!) that, as I have told him in the past, physically harming me or being physically aggressive with me are unacceptable to me... .he has never done it before. Once he had calmed a bit, he wanted to "make up", which to him usually means be intimate before any actual apologies are exchanged, and I said no, absolutely not. Getting physical with me was always a boundary in my head of when I would give the therapy ultimatum, so I did. It was really hard.
He called the next day to say he found a therapist, and would be seeing him the following day. He was angry with me still (probably projecting), but I told him I was proud of him. I said this while NO ONE was talking, but he accused me of interrupting his "point" which of course meant I only care about myself, and am selfish, etc. This is a common thing with him with everyone he is close to... he will want to ramble for an hour, get mad if you interrupt, but then demand that when you communicate with him, you use only "thesis statements". I tried to validate and failed. He said I "aggressed" him to a point he did not feel like opening up. He has been out of town for work, so we are getting some needed space. However, he came home last night, and is so clearly in the throes of deep shame. He saw the therapist and said he has "a lot to work on", but also wanted to talk about selling our house. His most recent fixation has been that moving further into the countryside will make him happier. It used to be that buying a house would make him happier, but that made him feel worse, if anything. He was cold, and clearly very, very sad and ashamed. I have been trying to talk about future plans with him, which really perks him up, so he knows that as long as he is committed to getting help, which he does really seem to be (he said he was disgusted at his behavior, and didn't realize until last week how much help he needed), I will be as supportive as I can.
I love this man dearly, and his son too. I never want to leave them, but physical aggression and even abuse are not acceptable to me. I have been working too much on my own low self esteem in therapy to let someone treat me that way. I know that even a pwBPD in therapy has a loong road ahead. But I have learned so much here that has helped! I know I can learn more, and improve the tools I'm using so far (not JADEing is a BIG one for me, and the one I'm working on hardest). I guess I just finally reached the point where I realized I need support from people who really understand, who won't just say "LEAVE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU". My H is such a loving, creative, sensitive, beautiful person most of the time. He cares so deeply about other people, and always wants to help others, unless his emotions get out of control. His childhood, full of abuse of all kinds, must have been h*ll for a person as sensitive as him. His dad is dNPD, his mom was passed but was uBPD. Both of this sisters are dBPD. They have both made HUGE strides in DBT. His illness turns him into a different person, a person I know he doesn't want to be. He always wants me to "accept who he is, because he'll always be an a**hole". I think I really have gotten to the point myself where I accept who he is... .but that DOES NOT mean he gets to treat me poorly and have me say its ok. I just accept that sometimes his illness will make him treat me poorly. I stand up for myself a lot more now than ever. I used to be a pretty heavy enabler, still am sometimes, but learning about boundaries has changed my entire life. I was the "fixer" kid in my family, which was mostly quite "healthy" but my mom could be very, very emotional. I grew up feeling like I had to protect her.
The point is, I feel like I have made so much progress, but still have so much more work to do, hence why I am FINALLY posting. I am 100% committed to making a relationship with my H work though. And I know I am really lucky... .my H is very high functioning, and seems to spend way more time at baseline than a lot of pwBPD. He has admitted before to "having a really hard time living without his strong, stable wife" (like when he travels for work, or I do), and also told me during calm, wonderful times of closeness "I'm feeling too close to you again... now I will have to come up with something you do wrong so I can feel like you are a cold-hearted b***ch again". I am lucky in that he reveals this little "hints" to me... .sometimes they almost come across like warnings. When we first started dating, he told me he loved me so much that maybe he would leave me to "save me from him". He didn't, he says, because he had no idea how strong I was. So I think he is really self aware for a pwBPD. And I'm optimistic for DBT with him. And I want to help way more than I hurt his progress. I think this is a good place to learn how to do that.
So, now, a question... .this shame phase, after he has a rage/crisis, is always the hardest for me to deal with, because I just don't read about it a lot, and its such a sensitive time, I don't want to make things worse. He seems to want affection, but being around me reminds him of what he said/did to me and triggers his shame, so then he withdraws, and says he doesn't deserve me/is just REALLY hard on himself. What do you all think is the best way to proceed, or what do you do when your SO goes through this phase?
Thanks! This place really is amazing... .I might have gone crazy a year ago without it. Also, sorry for insane length of this post... .most won't be this long, I hope... .
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