Mothers Day Anxiety

[GreenRoad]

Hi All,

Mothers Day is coming up, and my mom's birthday is the first week of May, and I've been experiencing some anxiety over the anticipation of these two days. Maybe others have experienced something similar and have some words of wisdom or just need to vent too?

My mom and I have not talked in over two months as tension had been building for quite some time, and we had a rather explosive phone conversation in early February. To give you a little background, I'm a 30yo only child, and my parents divorced about 8 years ago. Since then, I've been feeling the brunt of my mom's BPD behavior now that my dad isn't around to be her punching bag. I started therapy in late May of 2017 after years of experiencing a rather cyclical dysfunctional relationship with my mom: time's of somewhat "normalcy", tension building, then rages from her, and silent treatment, only for the circle to begin again. We live about 7 hours apart, and she last visited late last May. During that visit things were rather tense as I forgot to send her a birthday or Mothers Day card (both events occurred on the same weekend). To be honest, it wasn't really intentional not to send anything, I had a lot going on at that time, was in an out of town, and simply forgot. I did call her on both days to wish her a good day. On Mothers Day in particular, I called at about 11 AM and her greeting when picking up the phone was "Oh so nice to hear from you daughter. . . How nice of you to call. . . " We had literally talked a few days before as well, so it's not like we'd gone months without talking. Then when she and my grandma came for a visit a few weeks later, my mom really laid into me about not sending anything even though I had apologized to her and said we could do something special while she was here during a previous conversation. While at dinner, she randomly said very loudly, "Will you be offended if I ask you a question? No? Ok, good. Since you didn't get me anything for Mothers Day or my birthday, do you think you could buy me a bracelet while I'm here?" She wanted a sterling silver Navajo bracelet, which run between $100-$300 these days. I was actually quite embarrassed and a little shocked, and wasn't at a place of setting excellent boundaries then, so I said perhaps we could look, but things were rather tight financially for me at the time. We didn't find anything during her trip and I didn't have the money anyway. Later in the summer when I was in her city for a visit I did bring her a hand made copper bracelet I purchased at the Four Corners Monument. She hardly even acknowledged it, and to be honest I did it out of guilt.

Fast forward to now, and I have been doing a better job of self care and setting firm boundaries. I also began to go somewhat LC after starting therapy. Previously, my mom and I talked multiple times a week. I throttled that back over the course of last June and July to once every week or two. It was always expected I be the one to call her even though the phone works both ways, and she became rather resentful of the fact we weren't talking as much. During out last conversation she  raged at me over how upset she is that her and my grandma weren't invited on a family vacation with my in-laws. Instead of being passive, I acknowledged her feelings, but also stated my own and in a nut shell explained to her that I am tired of guilt and obligation being used as a manipulation tool in my family. I did apologize for a few shortcomings of my own in our relationship, but I also told her I don't feel I should have to apologize for doing things with other family members. I have been getting the silent treatment ever since, and I'm not sure when we'll speak again.

Over the past month, I have been experiencing anxiety and what might be panic attacks over her birthday coming up in early May and Mothers Day. I'm not entirely sure how to approach it. I did find cards that I will likely send with pretty generic messaging. On one hand I don't want to open a can of worms and stir things up, but I also don't want to give her something else to hold against me. I do sincerely hope she is doing well, and I wish her happiness. I think I need to schedule a therapy appointment to work through this for myself, but I'm also wondering about other people's experiences with this sort of thing. Thanks

[Turkish]

I think sending the cards is the right thing to do.  That would be "standard" and nice.  How she might take it would be in her court. 

[Mutt]

I agree with Turk send her the card and leave it to her to use this as a chance to talk or not. You’ve done your part,  rise above and if she doesn’t take this chance you’ve done everything that you can do.

[cedarview]

Hoo boy... I am having a lot of the same anxieties myself; thank you for reminding me that Mother's Day is coming up LOL! My uBPD Mother has her birthday in May as well. I remain disappointed and angry with my parents and mother in particular in the way that they have thrown a silent treatment tantrum when my wife and I instituted perfectly reasonable and sane boundaries. I think it will be 3.5 months since we have actually had a conversation. There was nothing exchanged at Easter, including any cards, and there were no phone calls. Honestly, I am reluctant to send any cards for Mother's Day or for her birthday. Unlike OP I cannot truthfully say that I want her to have a nice day   and that is just being truthful to my own feelings. She has tried her best to make us feel miserable, unappreciated and guilty for years and... .well I will just leave it at that.

We have been shredding (literally) unopened cards my Mother has sent to our three young children for Valentines as well as Easter because we don't want my abusive Mother to be in contact with our kids while she is giving us the extended silent treatment. At first I felt guilty because, well I have been brought up to feel guilty about anything and everything. Now I am just rather aggravated. I want to be true to myself and my wife's feelings are the same. My Mother has been given a number of chances and our hands have been slapped away again and again. Sending her cards just seems like another chance and frankly I don't think she deserves another chance right now. OP in your case and from what you describe, choosing to not send her cards (as opposed to neglecting to do so because you are busy) will be a pretty big step for you. I would be interested to know what you decide to do and how it is received.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi GreenRoad,  

Glad to see you back.  

This holiday is typically a difficult one for those of us who have/had an uBPDm. Please know that you are far from alone in feeling anxious and concerned.  

I think that as an adult child of an uBPD parent, our default is to still feel the grip of control that the parent had on us when we were younger. But guess what? We are adults now and free to choose and make our own decisions. It may not feel that way (and even I know that I often paid for those choices if I didn't choose the right thing according to my uBPDm). After learning so much in T though, I recognize that I get to choose what I will do, no matter what my uBPDm said, demanded, or wanted. So if you take the feelings of fear away, what would you like to do?

 
Wools

[TeaAmongRoses]

Hi, y'all. It's been over 10 years since I last posted. But I got a migraine after getting a text from my mom about mother's day. I thought to look up my BPD nons family for guidance. Back in the day when I talked with this community a LOT, I would black out after visiting my mom. I tried to go no-contact for a while. After marrying my husband, she had much less influence on me. Now I'm back in my own place and she comes around a lot more. I'm still having massive stress reactions to her. I'm 43 and so tired of this same routine. I feel like I've grown up a lot and am more able to stand up to her than in the past. But she so infrequently shows her demon-side anymore that it feels hard for me to justify my negative reaction to her. This morning I got the courage to text her back and just say "I got a migraine after talking with you yesterday. Darn trauma reaction just won't go away!". She replied back "what can I do to help make things better? I'm open to anything." I offered to send an article her way, but I'm not really even up for that because I still feel a mix of shame to hint at the idea that she did anything harmful to me because she is always so gushing and generous and martyred. But it makes me nauseous to think about spending time together. She MISSES her daughter soo much and just loves "hearing my voice". Ugh. Do I let it go or give her a chance?

[cedarview]

"I got a migraine after talking with you yesterday. Darn trauma reaction just won't go away!". She replied back "what can I do to help make things better? I'm open to anything." I offered to send an article her way, but I'm not really even up for that because I still feel a mix of shame to hint at the idea that she did anything harmful to me because she is always so gushing and generous and martyred. But it makes me nauseous to think about spending time together. She MISSES her daughter soo much and just loves "hearing my voice". Ugh. Do I let it go or give her a chance?

If you feel nauseous and shamed and you get migraines thinking about getting together with your mother then I would say it sounds like there is some unresolved business! If you absolutely decide to give her a chance I would recommend setting a specific time table, say an hour, and when that hour is up, it should be "Nice to see you Mom, I gotta go." And I wouldn't have it at either of your homes but rather in a public place.

[healing_daughter]

I also have struggled with even picking out a card for my Mom that honors my feelings (I don't think she's the best Mom there ever was!) and also acknowledges her role in bringing me into this world (to not acknowledge Mother's Day would be hurtful for her).

[Brkfst@Tiffanys]

Just want say that your fear or guilt or obligation about reaching out to your mom is not necessarily based in reality or your own shortcomings. They are conditioned responses to her unhappiness, which she taught you as a child. Those of us raised by BPD parents learned those reactions to survive our childhoods when a BPD parent made us responsible for their emotional well-being.

Right there with everyone for the anxious/tense/nauseated feelings associated with anticipated contact with my uBPD mom. Whewwwwwww. Her birthday was in February, and I tried to be nonchalant like nothing was wrong between us when I reached out to her to wish her happy birthday. We had been pretending like everything was ok and like we hadn't just spent the last year not really speaking to each other at that point (renewed contact started when I got engaged and my fiance called her to tell her). When gearing myself up to call her, I had to remind myself that I'm an adult and that she has no power over me.

She didn't answer, so I texted, called again a couple days later, texted again, and finally emailed. Got back a nasty email response (sort of out of the blue), so I told her that my door was open if she wanted to have a meaningful, constructive (but RESPECTFUL) conversation about our issues. Until then I said I wouldn't contact her further. Had my fiance read her response to that to see if there was anything earnest there, and he said it was just more of the same sh*t. So, I'm solidly no contact, and for the first time in a long time am experiencing no Mother's Day anxiety. I'm still sad and angry at times, but this was the right decision for me.

[Panda39]

I also have struggled with even picking out a card for my Mom that honors my feelings (I don't think she's the best Mom there ever was!) and also acknowledges her role in bringing me into this world (to not acknowledge Mother's Day would be hurtful for her).

How about just a pretty but blank Mother's Day Card... .write "I wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you today, Happy Mother's Day!" love, healing_daughter.

Truthful, short and sweet.

What I tend to do is go for a humorous card... .I'm just not the mushy kind of card person anyway.

My advice for Mother's Day is do what feels right for you.

Some things to maybe think about... .Is doing Mother's Day in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) really meaningful for you... .for her?  For who's benefit and for what reason are you doing or not doing Mother's Day. Can you be pragmatic and just send the card because she needs the card and not make it about you at all.  Can you send it because that's what you would do for anyone?  Is your mom giving you the silent treatment... .is the ball in her court?  Are you no contact? What is it that your Mother gets/needs from you on Mother's Day?  Can you do Mother's Day for your mom and be honest to yourself?

I know for me (my mom isn't BPD but we don't have the perfect relationship) that I send a card because that is who I am, that she would appreciate it, but also for her it is about keeping up appearances.

Panda39