Therapist with uBPD mother

[HealingJas]

Hello all. I have viewed this thread many times as a guest but I’m now at the point in my life where I need a support team. I live in a remote area now and finding therapists comfortable and experienced with BPD is hard to come by. Many in my family have no clue what exactly I’m dealing with. My husband understands at a basic level how awful my mom is but doesn’t understand the mental disorder component. It has been a lonely journey. I’m 30-something only child and was raised by my mother who was mostly single (she married numerous times). Unlike many on this board I actually had a really happy childhood and my mother was kind and attentive. It wasn’t until high school when I began to want to be more independent that she become more smothering and manipulative. Anyway... .to save all of you from the many long stories of awful incidents (ex: refused to attend my first wedding and told me I was “dead to her” for not inviting her to my second) I’ll just say that I have been NC for almost a year now. It is bittersweet to admit that I feel a mix of guilt and relief but mostly relief. I have no desire to contact her despite a recent voicemail stating that she was moving to another state and asking to get together. I just do not want any more of her manipulation. I am remarried and have a daughter who was starting to become affected by her behaviors. Oh, also... .I’m a therapist. But none of my schooling or clinical experience prepared me for dealing with a uBPD parent. Well, I don’t know what else to say other than thanks to all for making this board such a wealth of support. It’s comforting to read about other adult children who have felt no other choice but to go NC for their own mental health and sense of peace. Hugs to all... .Jas

[Speck]

Hello, HealingJas!



Please allow me to welcome you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. I believe that you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to BPD, or facing emotionally intense relationships (as the byline of our logo says). So…we support each other here. I was a little scared when I joined, but mostly about having my fears confirmed. Now that they have been, I'm feeling much better.  

So, again, welcome!

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Hello all. I have viewed this thread many times as a guest but I’m now at the point in my life where I need a support team. I live in a remote area now and finding therapists comfortable and experienced with BPD is hard to come by. It has been a lonely journey.

I know you are here by way of sorrow, but I just want you to know that you are among peers, friend. Unfortunately, there are legions of us! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. However, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

There are also site articles and helpful tools that can be utilized by you to help you navigate this strained relationship, whether it's simply understanding more about BPD, adopting low contact, or remaining no contact. The tools are for YOU, but in time, hopefully, they will assist in improving your overall relationship with your mother, even if you never speak to her again. How is that? Well... .there's something to be said for acceptance. Please allow me to share a personal anecdote:

For example, I'm here to help me deal with the necessary demise of a 10-year marriage to my uBPDxw. However... .my mother is a histrionic narcissist. I haven't had a relationship with my mother since I was 23 years-old because the malignant toxicity was debilitating to me. That was 23 years ago; I am now 46 years-old. So, I truly understand where you're coming from. Even so, my eventual learning to accept that my mother lacked empathy (among other things), and was, therefore, ill-suited to parent me, has been very healing for me.

So, I hope that whatever you do here will lend itself to a path of more harmony and peace for yourself.  
 

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Panda39]

Hi Jas,

  Welcome.

I'm glad you decided to jump in and join us 

When discovered BPD in relation to my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) by googling "chronic lying"  , the first thing I did was hit my local library and read everything in the library system on BPD.  It was a way to get a good understanding of what BPD is.

Some books that I particularly found helpful... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger
 
Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Changeby Valerie Porr M. A.

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationshipby Christine Ann Lawson
 
We have a whole board dedicated to books and book reviews on BPD and related topics.

Link to the Book Review board... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

You are not alone everyone here has someone in their lives with BPD/BPD traits we all get it.

Again, glad you've joined us.

Panda39

[Penny123]

Welcome HealingJas, I have diagnosed BPDMom and I had a fairly good childhood too until my started gaining my independence and my parents divorced. As an adult, I've experienced threats of a restraining orders and voice messages she has left saying I'm no longer her daughter and I'm dead to her. I still have contact with her but with boundaries but even with those boundaries it's been difficult to have a semblance of a relationship.  Reading all you can about BPD can help you and help you understand her. I've heard even therapists have hard time dealing with BPD patients. I'm sure my Mom's therapist has had difficult times. Hang in there! It sounds you've done somethings already that you are good for you!

[cedarview]

Hi HealingJas, I am a relative newcomer to this group and I can definitely say that I have found many constructive suggestions and insights when it comes to dealing with my uBPD Mother and uNPD Father. You and I are about the same age, and my Mother was not too fond of the idea of boundaries either (when I first mentioned the term she literally asked what "boundaries" meant) and we have been NC (her choice) for some time now. I relate very much to your mentioning that your Mother's behavior was starting to affect your daughter and that influenced your decision to pull back from your Mother. As our kids get older and become teenagers my wife and I want to model healthy behaviors for them, and the damaging behavior of a untreated individual with BPD is NOT something we want them to internalize. My wife is in the mental health field and her colleagues have told her how difficult BPD is to treat, even for seasoned Psychiatrists and therapists. Our experiences have shown that to be true. It sounds like you have made some really significant steps to protect yourself and your family and I applaud you for that. I wish you continued relief and I hope you find this board to be as helpful as I have.

[Speck]

Hello, HealingJas:

How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[HealingJas]

Hi HealingJas, I am a relative newcomer to this group and I can definitely say that I have found many constructive suggestions and insights when it comes to dealing with my uBPD Mother and uNPD Father. You and I are about the same age, and my Mother was not too fond of the idea of boundaries either (when I first mentioned the term she literally asked what "boundaries" meant) and we have been NC (her choice) for some time now. I relate very much to your mentioning that your Mother's behavior was starting to affect your daughter and that influenced your decision to pull back from your Mother. As our kids get older and become teenagers my wife and I want to model healthy behaviors for them, and the damaging behavior of a untreated individual with BPD is NOT something we want them to internalize. My wife is in the mental health field and her colleagues have told her how difficult BPD is to treat, even for seasoned Psychiatrists and therapists. Our experiences have shown that to be true. It sounds like you have made some really significant steps to protect yourself and your family and I applaud you for that. I wish you continued relief and I hope you find this board to be as helpful as I have.

Thank you so much for sharing that. Today is especially hard, Mother’s Day to feel a mix of guilt and relief for not speaking. I actually spoke to my mother briefly a few weeks ago. She called for my daughters birthday and I answered. Of course she made comments about us needing to stay in touch and not wanting to be “estranged” but left out anything hinting toward remorse or an apology. She tried to get details on where we are living now and I would only give the city but nothing more. She later text me her address and asked if she could send me the spare key she found to my car. I never replied. Hope your wife had a happy Mother’s Day. I’m enjoying mine with my little family - no drama!

[Mooberry]

Hey!  I'm a therapist too!  Just wanted to share that!