Times of Weakness & Confusion, I can’t understand her

[Struggler123]

I learned everything about BPD but, I think I need someone else’s opinion.

My BPD ex just contacted me again, and ive been trying really hard to not give in ans talk to her, but a part of me really does want to talk to her. But knowing that shes gonna be married to someone else in 2 months and the fact that there are wedding preparations going on (reason for our break up, I wasnt ready for marriage and she asked me if she should say yes to this guy and so I did what any nice guy would do, say yes if he can take care of you and make you happy) 3 hours later, she said yes and now wants me to talk to her and be friends.  I just wish I knew the right answer and the best advice and hopefully through these questions i could get that answer. Thank you for reading, please give your input, I’d really appreciate it.

1) Are all BPD’s prone to cheating and spending too much when they want to get feelings out of their system?

2) If I were to contact her and tell her how I feel about her, and tell her that I still want to be in a relationship with her,  but she has to let go of this other guy because I dont want to be caught in a web. Would that be a good idea?

3)Why are my feelings spiraling out of control, I was the one that didn’t want marriage but if I had known it would have hurt me like this I would have at least gotten engaged.

4) Is it possible that this new guy doesn’t exist and its just a plot to get me to cave in before shes in the same town as me, or she’s doing this so that I compete with the new guy and she can get a boost on her ego

5) Why is marriage so hard with someone with BPD?

6) Why is she still contacting me and trying to be friends, knowning its a fresh wound?

7)Why is she posting on instagram that her engagment/marriage has been confirmed, but no picture of the guy? I ended up deleting her on social media after that cause that broke me.

I just feel way too confused...

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[Harri]

Hi Struggler. 

I am not going to answer all of the questions you listed here though I think they are excellent ones to ask yourself and talk through here on the boards. 

Having said that, right now, I just want to pipe up about this:  I think you were very smart to delete her on social media.  Why keep opening the wound?  You need time to recover from this before you can even consider being 'friends', never mind anything else. 

Why is she still contacting me and trying to be friends, knowing its a fresh wound?

I am going to be direct:  you are letting her control the contact and decide the terms of the relationship rather than tending to your own needs. Do you expect her to realize this is a sensitive time for you and you need space and that her invading that space is harmful to you?  You have to control that part, she can't.  I am not saying you have to go no contact, but I do think giving yourself time is necessary... .but you have to give that to yourself.  Don't expect her to do so.

I think part of your confusion stems from trying to make sense of disordered behavior from a person whose brain functions differently than the norm.  Again, to be direct:  Stop expecting her to be something she is not capable of being. 

Recovering from this is going to hurt unfortunately.  You still love her so of course you are going to spiral some.  It gets better.  It may take a while but it gets better.  The loss is still so fresh and the way she did it is very hurtful.  Give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve.   

Does that make sense?  What are your thoughts?

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler. 

I am not going to answer all of the questions you listed here though I think they are excellent ones to ask yourself and talk through here on the boards. 

Having said that, right now, I just want to pipe up about this:  I think you were very smart to delete her on social media.  Why keep opening the wound?  You need time to recover from this before you can even consider being 'friends', never mind anything else. 
I am going to be direct:  you are letting her control the contact and decide the terms of the relationship rather than tending to your own needs. Do you expect her to realize this is a sensitive time for you and you need space and that her invading that space is harmful to you?  You have to control that part, she can't.  I am not saying you have to go no contact, but I do think giving yourself time is necessary... .but you have to give that to yourself.  Don't expect her to do so.

I think part of your confusion stems from trying to make sense of disordered behavior from a person whose brain functions differently than the norm.  Again, to be direct:  Stop expecting her to be something she is not capable of being. 

Recovering from this is going to hurt unfortunately.  You still love her so of course you are going to spiral some.  It gets better.  It may take a while but it gets better.  The loss is still so fresh and the way she did it is very hurtful.  Give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve.   

Does that make sense?  What are your thoughts?

I think part of the thing is that I removed her everywhere but I don’t have the heart to block her out on calls/texts, I am not the person to do that because I feel like thats manipulative on my part, because I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. Deleting her off social media was part of my healing process, have I deleted her number in my phone and everytime she texts yes. But I do recognize the number everytime she calls. I’ve tried to find answers to all of my questions but its hard to see when your vision is blocked.  You are right and I do completely agree that I need time to understand my self, before the whole no contact thing she called and I was really upset, I remember picking up and telling her that this is unfair to me and she kept saying, She loves me and will always love me and that shes not happy with the engagement or marriage or whatever it is. Its the words the feelings that keep coming back everytime she calls, I want to be angry at her but then it makes me realize thats not the person I am. I just dont know how someone can make you feel so whole and empty at the same time, shes pretending to care but the truth is she just wants me back as friends to tell me all the things I couldnt provide for her and how thats overwhelming her.

[Struggler123]

Update:

She tried contacting me again, and this time was like can you please just stop this, talk to me and we can work on this. And in my head I'm thinking work on what, the fact that your getting married, and you want me to still be friends with you knowing that I still have feelings for you, and the fact that you want me to do all the things I would do before just without the intimacy. It hurts, and its the worst feeling in the world, to be considered someones second option.

[CryWolf]

I learned everything about BPD but, I think I need someone else’s opinion.

1) Are all BPD’s prone to cheating and spending too much

I think you should continue to learn about BPD because there is no “one size fits all” and not every person with BPD is prone to cheating or spending. A lot of people throw around “all __ do this” out of anger and frustration due to the emotions they feel from their rs... Don’t believe the stigma. Don’t generalize. Keep learning about BpD because chances are you don’t know everything as many of us don’t know everything but we aspire to learn everyday.

2) is a relationship something you want or are you anxious about losing her to someone else?

3) do you really want to be engaged or to soothe this pain you’re feeling at the moment.

4) both scenarios could be a possibility

5) marriage isn’t a walk in the park, BPD or not. Being with someone that has. BPD is like playing a game of beer pong but it’s “house rules” and the rules you are used to don’t apply in this house. As in, everything you know about relationships, you have to know more and dedicate yourself to the tools and  communication skills to help have a better relationship. A person that has BPD isn’t defined by the mental illness they have. You can’t put a burden on them blaming them for why the marriage or RS is difficult. You get in a rs with someone that has BPD it will still be 50x50.

6) possibly fear of abandonment

7) can’t focus too much on why people do what they do. She could be doing it for a bunch of reasons. But you’ll never 100% know. So to help with this, look into radical acceptance. Have to focus on what you’re given and what you know. You’ll drive yourself crazy and make assumptions

[CryWolf]

It hurts, and its the worst feeling in the world, to be considered someones second option.

I don’t think you were a second option. You simply weren’t ready for marriage and she wanted marriage. Your guys’ timeplan wasn’t aligned. You’re both entitled to your beliefs and she stuck with hers.

If you want more than friendship then tell her that or be ready for her to marry someone else and tell her you can’t be friends Nd she will have to respect that. It may lead you to blocking her. I’m sorry you’re going through this but sometimes it’s best to state what you want and mean it. What do you think?

Best of luck and keep us updated 

[Struggler123]

I don’t think you were a second option. You simply weren’t ready for marriage and she wanted marriage. Your guys’ timeplan wasn’t aligned. You’re both entitled to your beliefs and she stuck with hers.

If you want more than friendship then tell her that or be ready for her to marry someone else and tell her you can’t be friends Nd she will have to respect that. It may lead you to blocking her. I’m sorry you’re going through this but sometimes it’s best to state what you want and mean it. What do you think?

Best of luck and keep us updated 

That honestly was the best way to put it, I was going around in circles and thats probably the best way. I guess the next time she calls, I'll just put it straight to her, and tell her to choose, and if she's okay with the boundaries then we can work on it, but if not then I'll do what I have to do and she should do what she has to. Thanks will do.

[Struggler123]

I think you should continue to learn about BPD because there is no “one size fits all” and not every person with BPD is prone to cheating or spending. A lot of people throw around “all __ do this” out of anger and frustration due to the emotions they feel from their rs... Don’t believe the stigma. Don’t generalize. Keep learning about BpD because chances are you don’t know everything as many of us don’t know everything but we aspire to learn everyday.

2) is a relationship something you want or are you anxious about losing her to someone else?

3) do you really want to be engaged or to soothe this pain you’re feeling at the moment.

4) both scenarios could be a possibility

5) marriage isn’t a walk in the park, BPD or not. Being with someone that has. BPD is like playing a game of beer pong but it’s “house rules” and the rules you are used to don’t apply in this house. As in, everything you know about relationships, you have to know more and dedicate yourself to the tools and  communication skills to help have a better relationship. A person that has BPD isn’t defined by the mental illness they have. You can’t put a burden on them blaming them for why the marriage or RS is difficult. You get in a rs with someone that has BPD it will still be 50x50.

6) possibly fear of abandonment

7) can’t focus too much on why people do what they do. She could be doing it for a bunch of reasons. But you’ll never 100% know. So to help with this, look into radical acceptance. Have to focus on what you’re given and what you know. You’ll drive yourself crazy and make assumptions

Thank you for taking out the time to respond to all my questions. That's true theres a lot about BPD that I never knew about.  I honestly did want a relationship to her, but losing her to someone else made me more conscious and aware, I suppose as the trigger. I am honestly not ready for an engagement because I feel like its a huge commitment, and with the amount of problems we had in the beginning of the relationship (although she claims shes changed) it scared me and I put up a wall. But if it would have solved our problems, and we could have been together then yes, I would be willing to put my interests after hers.

I took your advice, and finally got the courage to call her. It was 1 hour of someone that I didn't want to be but I broke down. I told her everything and how I felt, but she said that she doesn't blame me and it was just wasn't our time. She said she tried everything for us to be together, and she was being pressured by her parents, and then she asked me, and had I told her to say no, she would have said no. Indirectly, I felt like she was blaming me, and saying that I didn't fight for her, and she fought for me. She saw that I didn't care, when she asked me if she should marry him. I told her that the idea of her asking me meant that she had already made up her mind. I always believed that if its meant to be it will be, and she threw that at me as well. She was like she understands that I'm angry, confused and upset, but this was reality and that I should accept it now and move on. I then asked her if she was happy with him, and she said thats unfair and then when she answered yes, it broke me down, but I needed to hear it. At that point, I told her that I'm not mad at her, but like she was able to move on, I need to do that as well and I'll do it my way, She said she understood and said that she was okay with whatever I had in mind, because she really cares about me. After that I just told her congratulations, and i wish her the best, but I can't be friends with her because I don't know how to anymore and its unfair for her to expect that for me. At which point is she said okay, take care of yourself, i love you, and then I finally got the courage to block her because I want to move on, and her charming over me was making it difficult for me. I gave her the closure she needed, and I guess in a way she gave me the answers to the questions I already knew.

Thoughts?