Tired of being put under the microscope by uBPD mom & enabling sister

[peachtree487]

Hello everyone, I am having a lot of anxiety, and I'm spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to fix or make this situation better, at a time when I am extremely busy with other important things in my life.

I am so tired of constantly being put under a microscope by my uBPD mom - she discusses things with my sister who lives very far away, who believes everything my mom says, enables her, and feeds into her projections, scapegoating, blame, etc.

Right now is not a good time to talk to my sister about my mom having BPD, because even though she knows how my mom is, and should understand, I do not think she will ever want to admit that my mom has BPD because she's been enabling and feeding into it for most of my life, and now is not a good time due to my situation, as my husband & I have major life changes we are dealing with right now I don't need a huge blow up.

I feel helpless and am so tired of my mom telling me how she talked to my sister and how she agrees with her that I have mental problems due to things like the fact that I smoke cigarettes and drink Diet Coke means that I have some type of mental illness, or the fact that I own a cat means that there's something weird about me because both of them hate cats. My mom picks on every little thing that I do things that she does NOT do, and it somehow means that I am the one causing problems in this family, and the things that I do are CAUSING my mom's agitation - she finds little things to blame me for own mood, as an explanation for her moods.

I need advice from you all here at bpdfamily on what to do or say when my mom tells me how she & my sister discussed the fact that I am addicted to Diet Coke and they are worried that it means I have a severe mental illness, my mom compares me to people with schizophrenia! I do not deny that I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and PTSD since I was a child, and have been diagnosed with those, with my doctor & therapist telling me that I have those diagnosis due to growing up with a uBPD mother. Also, when I was in the military, they told me the exact same thing.

What is really frustrating about this is the fact that the person who caused me to have anxiety, depression, & PTSD in the beginning, as a child, is the one who is accusing me of causing their problems!

I do not blame my mom because her father was just like her, and when I was a child (born in late 60s), I know that there was no information about BPD so my mom could learn about it. But now, I wish there was some way for her to learn about BPD and to learn more about our family dynamics. I do blame her though for projecting her fears about herself onto me, and for the fact that she berates, blames, tells me how awful symptoms of any mental illness is- she talks about things like depression is all in someone's mind, how people should be able to will themselves better, etc. I believe that she is projecting her fears of what she thinks other people think about how she acts, onto me. If she was a mother that was truly concerned about her child's mental health and wanted to help or talk to me about it, she wouldn't yell at me or in a state of rage, saying how I should have the willpower to go cold turkey with my cigarettes, diet soda, and my low dose antidepressant, she would talk to me about it like an adult.

By the way, the first time I read about BPD, the articles I read seemed like they were talking about my family / my mom, my life, literally. The more I've learned over the past 5 years or so is the same. I worked in the medical field my entire life, also in the military, and even though psych was not my specialty, I do have some knowledge of it, so what I'm saying is that I just know for a fact that my mom has BPD - she has a few narcissistic symptoms, and I believe her father had many narcissistic sypmtoms along with BPD.

What's scary is that even though people with medical knowledge, even psychiatric professionals - do not know much about BPD, or do not want to deal with patients who have it because they are so difficult to treat. There's even a user here on bpdfamily who is a therapist, and she talked about the fact that even though she's a therapist, she needs help with skills to deal with her uBPD mother. That proves how difficult this is.

Another thing that is extremely frustrating for me is that my uBPD mom, and my enabling sister have both worked in the medical field for most of their lives (not in psych, though) and are still, but both of them seem to let their own prejudices overtake their learning & experience when it comes to patients with mental health problems, addiction problems, and other stigmatized issues like homelessness, financial status, and even race, age, and weight. Some of their comments over the years about patients they have had, and about me, seem like they are coming from someone who has no medical knowledge at all, but then again, having a degree & experience in the heathcare field is very different from having a real understanding of health problems, and does not mean that all healthcare workers are not prejudiced, biased, etc. I truly believe that my mom talks badly about mental illnesses because she is beating herself up, and is embarrassed and has guilty feelings about her own symptoms, and she takes it out on, projects it to me.

When she does this, even though I've learned a lot about BPD, it's very tough to know how to respond, I mean, where do I even begin? I get frustrated because I have so much I would like to say to her, to help her, myself, and our whole family, but I am so scared that anything I say might make her rage.

Edit: My mom berates me for not being able to stop taking an antidepressant when she & my sister take a much stronger one themselves, and my mom's is a very high dose!

Should I only focus on myself now, and how to deal with my mom, or should I finally talk to my whole family about BPD? No time is ever a good time, and we're all getting old.

[Harri]

Hi peachtree. 

I need advice from you all here at bpdfamily on what to do or say when my mom tells me how she & my sister discussed the fact that I am addicted to Diet Coke and they are worried that it means I have a severe mental illness, my mom compares me to people with schizophrenia!

I suggest you say something along the lines of "No.  I appreciate your concern but I am okay and this really is none of your business."  If she continues, say something like "I am going to hang up now.  We can continue another time when you are not making false diagnoses."

Seriously, just say no.  Do not explain why she is wrong.  Do not try to defend yourself... .there is nothing to defend.  She is making ridiculous comments based on her own projections filters and biases and she is wrong.  You can't fix that.  The best and only real way to help yourself and your family is to say No, set boundaries and stop sharing personal information.  Do not share the status of your psych care or meds.  It is not their business and they have proven themselves unworthy of having such private and personal information. 

I am so tired of constantly being put under a microscope by my uBPD mom - she discusses things with my sister who lives very far away, who believes everything my mom says, enables her, and feeds into her projections, scapegoating, blame, etc.

Your mother and sister have their own dysfunctional relationship that unfortunately seems to involve putting you down and analyzing you.  Stop sharing personal information.  Stop listening to this.  End the conversation.  Please do not take what they say personally.  As you said, they are projecting their own issues onto you.  Recognize it for what it is (projection) and realize that it is a part of their dysfunction which you are not qualified to fix nor are you responsible for fixing it.

Mentioning BPD to them is not a good idea in my opinion.  I think it would only cause more problems and possibly get twisted around and guess what?  All of a sudden you have BPD. 

Your mother and sister are who they are.  I am sorry you are caught in the middle of it but you can get yourself out of it by recognizing what is your stuff to own and act on versus their stuff to own and act upon.

 

[Mutt]

Hi peachtree,

I agree Harri the goal is to make yourself a small target don’t give them something that they can bite on and that they can cause drama with.

I also agree with Harri that it could backfire on you, let’s turn the telescope around and what if a family member cane to you saying that you suspect that another family member has BPD, it’s going go through the grapevine. You’re not responsible for her disorder, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone, let them come to their own conclusions now if they come to you and they want your feedback about their discovery on BPD then I’d say something.

You’re in the medical field, you were in the military and you said you’re busy in your life you have accomplished a lot and it sounds like you’re too busy to talk about others. It’s drama, it sounds like they’re not as busy or they don’t have better things to do. Rise above let their actions speak for themselves - they thrive on drama. How productive is that?

[peachtree487]

Harri and Mutt: Thank You for your help - your replies helped me a lot, what you wrote helps me to keep a more healthy perspective and reassures me.

For some reason, I keep having to be reminded that what my mom & sister say and think is just drama, projections, etc, and the fact that some of the things my mom says about how my sister agrees with her, or what she says my sister said, might be projections too. Recently she told me something about my sister, and I asked my mom if my sis actually said that, my mom said YES, but several days afterward, my mom told me that my sis did not actually say that, but that she was just "sure" that she felt that way - so my mom is projecting her feelings and ideas onto my sister, too. She based her "sureness" on an unrelated statement my sister made in the past and twisted it to fit what she thinks are my sister's feelings / beliefs.

I have a continuing problem with thinking that I have to explain myself to them, and feel like if I don't, things will be worse, even though years of doing so does not help, and I get further scrutinized for explaining myself. Even after learning about BPD, the effects of having a mom with uBPD persist - when I try to see my moms actions & comments from the perspective of someone who is not affected by a family member with BPD, it helps, and allows me to see how unbelievably silly & ridiculous it is, but it also scares me due to how dysfunctional and damaging it is.

I have to somehow get myself to think and react / or to decide not to react like someone without an uBPD parent would, but it's so hard to rewire my thinking - not only did I grow up with an uBPD mom, but I lived close to her and had regular contact with her during my 20s, and on and off in my 30s & 40s, so I have been exposed to her much more than my sister was because she ran away from home at 16 and never lived within a thousand miles of my mom since.

One of the toughest things for me to deal with properly is when my mom criticizes me for things in my past, yet she and my sister have plenty of things in their past too - it's like the same rules do not apply to them - that's when it's really hard for me to not speak up - but when I did, recently, my mom agreed that she was not perfect in the past, but abruptly ended the conversation when I turned the tables. It's just so darn hard for me to accept that my mom & sister do not treat me fairly, that what's okay for them is not okay for me.

After writing this, I realized something: I think that the reason why I still let this drama affect me, is mostly due to the fact that I am having a hard time accepting the fact that I cannot have a normal relationship with my mom, and that her uBPD has affected me and my sister's relationship so badly, for so long, that I will never have a normal relationship with my sister, either, which is heartbreaking. I think that's why so many of us hold out hope that things might change, and people trade having a normal, peaceful life for dealing with the dysfunction & abuse.

I am feeling guilty for writing such a long reply, because my mom has constantly pounded into my head that people do not like long notes, messages, or letters, and she says that when I write an email or text to her and others in my family, that they do not read past the first line. But discussing this with you all on this board has greatly helped me, and like now, I realize important things sometimes when I write here on this board.

Thanks for listening and for your help.

[Harri]

Hi peachtree.  I'm glad our words helped you to remember and focus.

I have a continuing problem with thinking that I have to explain myself to them, and feel like if I don't, things will be worse, even though years of doing so does not help, and I get further scrutinized for explaining myself. Even after learning about BPD, the effects of having a mom with uBPD persist - when I try to see my moms actions & comments from the perspective of someone who is not affected by a family member with BPD, it helps, and allows me to see how unbelievably silly & ridiculous it is, but it also scares me due to how dysfunctional and damaging it is.

You are right, it is not so easy to forget or relearn behaviors that we have had since birth.  We did what we had to do to survive and unfortunately those behaviors and mindsets still follow us today when they no longer have a positive effect.  Like any habit it takes time and repetition to break.

Instead of looking at changing the whole thing (target behavior) all at once try finding a small thing you can change.  I am going to use a favorite of mine:  projection.  You are already familiar with it.  When your mom starts up with her usual projections, repeat in your head over and over "this is about her and has nothing to do with me.  She can't even see me right now" or something else that is easy to remember and repeat so that her words, while you may hear them, are being negated and eventually you will not absorb them.  Then you can build on that with whatever strategies you can think of.  I used visualizations.  over time, it become automatic and forgetting happens less and less often.

I remember times when I had my mind all made up that I was going to do something, or not do something and then after whatever it was, I realized I did exactly what I had sworn I wasn't going to do.  Can you say FOG (Have you read about Fear Obligation and Guilt?)?  It is like when you drive somewhere and you get there and you do not remember actually driving?  Same sort of thing.  (I have no clue if it is the same thing but the comparison works for me!  ) 

You have had a lot of exposure to your mom, certainly longer than your sister.  I lived with my parents until my mid to late 30's.  I get it.  it would be like someone stuffed my head with cotton... .  You will forget.  It is okay because each time you practice and remember it is going to help you develop new and improved behaviors with your mom.

Accepting that your mom and sister are how they are is difficult.  it just is.  As is wanting a mothers love and a 'normal' relationship with your sister.  You will never get normal with them but you can keep working to improve things for yourself.  Unfortunately for us here, the chance to get on the normal ship is long gone.

I have a continuing problem with thinking that I have to explain myself to them, and feel like if I don't, things will be worse, even though years of doing so does not help, and I get further scrutinized for explaining myself. Even after learning about BPD, the effects of having a mom with uBPD persist - when I try to see my moms actions & comments from the perspective of someone who is not affected by a family member with BPD, it helps, and allows me to see how unbelievably silly & ridiculous it is, but it also scares me due to how dysfunctional and damaging it is.

 
It takes time to stop fighting this so hard.  I think we will always, on some level, wish for a normal family, a normal/typical mom, and that we can fix things and talk things out because that is what normal people do. 

As for writing a long reply!  This is quite short.  Take a look at some of the lengthy posts I have made.  Sorta makes you eyes spin about to see it. 

Peachtree, I hope this made sense.  I am not feeling that well and am having a hard time gathering my thoughts.  I hope I didn't ramble too much.

Be well.

[Mutt]

Hi peachtree,

Harri have you some pretty good advice. I just wanted to touch on something.

I think that's why so many of us hold out hope that things might change, and people trade having a normal, peaceful life for dealing with the dysfunction & abuse.

I understand, there’s a lot of anger and grief when you have a parent with a mental illness. It takes time to work through that, there’s a lot of distress when we hold onto hope that our family members will eventually change that can drag out for years. I can see your point on giving up a part of your life for peace, i found peace after i worked through the pain and accepted that this is how they are, i can’t change it and they’ll likely never change.

When I gave hope and gave into accepting reality this where I found peace. My dad has never changed, very black and white thinking, he’s disrespectful, dominates every conversation etc and I used to fight with him. I saw him last summer and he was talking about politics, i was half listening and he was going on for awhile. Mentally I thought about the things that I learned here: Don’t Jade, he is who he is, it’s not personal to me he just doesn’t know better, be indifferent to his behaviours you neither like it or hate it.

After he was rambling for awhile he looked at me surprised because I didn’t give the usual response that he would expect. I was proud that I didn’t fall into old traps and I felt relaxed because I wasn’t frustrated because he can’t accept a point of view that is not his, he puts you down. Anyways he said, what about you don’t you have an opinion. I smiled and said not really an opinion is just an opinion. Again I surprised him with my response  

There’s a real sense of peace in acceptance taking your power back by taking control of the things that you can. Maybe someday you’ll be able to laugh it off and be indifferent to your mom and sis there they go again with their drama talk.

[braveSun]

Hello peachtree

I love your post.   
I concur with both Harri and Mutt. I wanted you to know that it means something to me that you did post this here. Because is does reflect on my own story too.

I had a father just similar to Mutt's description of his father, and I too, have difficulty to accept this mental illness thing. He's passed now, and there were no such concepts to help us grasp what happened to us back than.

I feel for you. It's upsetting to not have a normal, peaceful relationship with a parent, the way we know in our heart it should be. For all the efforts we put in to try to make them see that, it doesn't work. In the end, we might feel the weight of doubts, but we sense that we need to maintain our own sense of reality regardless. Harri's practice of affirmations has helped me. I've learned to create my own.

What strikes me in your post is your courage and the clarity of your writing.

It sure does take time to accept. Take extra good care of yourself.
   

[peachtree487]

Harri, Mutt, and braveSun,

I wish I could express just how much your replies & examples have helped me. Thank You!

 Harri: No, you did not ramble on, everything you said was important for me to hear, and I hope you feel better! Thanks for taking the time to help me when you're not feeling well! 

When I read your replies, I felt heard & understood, and I realized how rare it is for me to feel that way, and it also helps my self esteem, because every time I feel stressed or anxious about how I'm treated, I feel guilty and like maybe I'm not emotionally strong because of how my mom has constantly put me down my whole life, and the few times I have shown even a tidbit to her of how much she affects me, she immediately verbally abuses me and says I was too sensitive or shouldn't worry about it, or there must be something wrong with me. When I read about others in my situation, it overrides those negative things and allows me to see that I'm a better person than what my mom makes me out to be. Knowing something and believing something are two entirely different things. When a friend, co-worker, or stranger compliments me, it surprises me because of how I have been treated by my mom, and makes me realize that I'm not as bad as my brain tells me I am. Children believe what their parents tell them, and show them. If I was not exposed to any other person, lifestyle, or idea besides my mom, I would think that drinking Diet Coke is for losers, it must be against the law or something, and if you are addicted to caffeine and like carbonated water then you are not concerned about your health, and you are a downright nasty person. My mom has an expression of scorn & disgust on her face when she sees or talks about Diet Coke, but she used to drink it by the case.

Besides here at bpdfamily, I do not have anyone to talk to that understands this stuff from,  experience - my H is helpful, but in a more general way - joining this discussion is the best thing I've done to help myself. Your replies made me feel better and at the same time made my eyes tear up.

 Earlier today, before reading your replies, I spoke to my mom about an idea for a gift for a family member, and the first words out of her mouth was something along the lines of me needing to act like a normal person, and she told me that she thinks I will die before I'm 60 years old! - She did not say anything about what I talked to her about, the gift idea, and she interrupted me before I could complete the sentence. She tore into me with no warning, and in a tone of voice that sounded like she was berating an ax murderer, she scolded me for drinking diet soda (even though I mix it with 3/4 seltzer water) So I realized that this was a chance for me to react or not react in a more healthy way, but even though I remained calm, I couldn't think of how I should react or what to say, so I acknowledged what she said by listening to her, and then I just didn't know what to say - she was getting ready to go to work, she said she had to go and told me bye, and I told her bye, have a good day.

I feel bad about not saying anything to stand up for myself, but at least I did not argue or explain myself. I don't think she even heard what I said about the gift, and I know that she is worried about her own health, so maybe she was talking to herself & projecting it onto me? After all, she eats and drinks things that are very bad for her health, - she only picks on the things I eat & drink that she doesn't, even though it's a comparison like apples & oranges. Again, her tone of voice was scornful, like she felt disgusted.

Mutt: I appreciate your example of the interaction with your father, it's very helpful for me. I guess the main reason why I have always wanted to “ fix” things and wish I could talk to my close family members about BPD and why I have a strong urge to tell them what I've learned about it, is because I wish that they could learn the same skills as I'm learning, because my mom and her father has affected everyone in our family, even extended family, and I don't want them to suffer, especially my son and Grandson. My son deals with my mom in a mostly healthy way, but my mom has a way of doing things to keep people close to her, where they feel obligated to stay in contact and “deal” with her. I have talked to my son a little about it in the past, and I think that the reason why he moved out of the area years ago was because he did not want or need to deal with the drama between my mom & I, and other family involved. Like my T said, “The healthy ones usually leave or move away”.

braveSun: Thank You, I appreciate what you said. It is so hard to accept that
 our loved ones with BPD might never fully see the reality of it all, and it's tough to see them living in such hell - it's like they are living in a whole different world where all logic has been thrown out the window, so they aren't able to see what we see. But that also applies to those of us affected by a close family member with BPD, as we see the world differently too, like how I mentioned that my brain seems to be hard-wired by how I have been treated by my mom all my life - the low self esteem, things projected onto me that make me feel guilty and ashamed of, etc.

Thank you all very much!

[braveSun]

It is so hard to accept that our loved ones with BPD might never fully see the reality of it all, and it's tough to see them living in such hell

It's tough, yes. It's one of my biggest challenges.
You're right. We cannot take their pain away. It's double tough on us because as young children, we wanted them as we needed them to be. Big and powerful and right to us. It's a protective mechanism for a young child to refuse what's not right to self.


Acceptance is a process. It's something you do for yourself.
Take some time. Walk slower. Be gentle.   

But that also applies to those of us affected by a close family member with BPD, as we see the world differently too, like how I mentioned that my brain seems to be hard-wired by how I have been treated by my mom all my life - the low self esteem, things projected onto me that make me feel guilty and ashamed of, etc.

I can relate to that sense of somehow not being able to see the world quite like everybody. If you think about it, it makes sense there too. As a young child we didn't have the means to explain to ourselves 'now he's projecting this at me', or 'it's not about me, it's only her way to process her emotions', etc... So naturally, now we are equipped with these types of sensitivities, if I can say so.

That doesn't mean we cannot learn to unwrap and respond to our sensitivities as adults. It's very good that you see this clearly.