She got angry that I described myself as laid back

[Catperson]

Hello everyone. I have been in a relationship with a woman who has borderline for a little over a year and a half. She is a beautiful, lively, talented person - an actress, singer, piano player and songwriter. She is really a good person in her heart and can be very kind. She also can be cruel and rage filled and will do extreme things when she is triggered.

She grew up in a home with a father who was an alcoholic and rageaholic and may have had BP himself. Her mother was very neurotic and was always sick with something. She says her parents fought every day and she has 4 siblings. Things were insane in her household. She ended up getting into alcohol and drugs and had a serious problem for a number of years. She has now been sober for over 6 years and is active in a few 12 step programs.

But the rage issues are still very present. She also has a lot of trauma from her family and a horible sexual assault she was victim of. She gets triggered from things I can’t understand. We will be having a normal conversation and she’ll get triggerred from something I say and it will just be so confusing to me as to why she reacted the way she did. And then many times there is no way for her to regulate her emotions. If i’m feeling strong, i am able to be patient and not engage. But sometimes I just get fed up and I respond to the wild accusation she just made and things get crazy.

She has hurt herself and threatened suicide. She stabbed herself with some scissors once and i had to wrestle them away from her and keep her in the bathroom until i was confident she wasn’t going to hurt herself anymore. Recently she got triggerred by my laid back personality (which is a frequent occurrence) and the fact that I described myself as laid back. She said she cant be with me anymore so i said fine and got up to leave. She grabbed one of my shoes and threw it across the apartment. She wouldn’t let me grab it so i said fine keep it and left with one shoe. She threw it at me as i was going down the stairs and then as i was descending the stairs, she opened a window that is above them and said she was going to kill herself and acted like she was going to jump out. I ran back in and pulled her out of the window.

I called a sponsor and put her on speaker phone and she was able to calm her down. We are still together and have had some good moments since then. But i always have the sense that things can just fall apart at any moment. We dont live together and i have a lot of fears about moving in. I’m not ready to take that step at all but i fear that her family will start applying pressure soon. They really like me a lot and have been very welcoming to me. My girlfriend has had many bad boyfriends in the past so they see me as a breath of fresh air. They dont know about the crazy things that happen between us though. Nobody knows what really happens in our relationship except some program sponsors and her therapist.

I just don’t know where to go with the relationship or if i should even stay in it. We have essentially broken up many times, but by the end of the fight we sort of come back together and then in the morning she or we apologize. It just hasnt really gotten better though and i dont have a lot of hope that it will. Sometimes i feel good about things and the relationship feels good, and then other times i just want to get out so bad. I just dont know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Speck]

Welcome, Catperson!



I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

But i always have the sense that things can just fall apart at any moment. We dont live together and i have a lot of fears about moving in. I’m not ready to take that step at all but i fear that her family will start applying pressure soon. They really like me a lot and have been very welcoming to me. My girlfriend has had many bad boyfriends in the past so they see me as a breath of fresh air.

I hear you, friend, and understand this well. Is it possible for you to see this family pressure as being outside of the decision-making process? In other words, any decision you make regarding your intentional involvement in escalating a personal relationship should be 100% yours.

Sometimes i feel good about things and the relationship feels good, and then other times i just want to get out so bad. I just dont know what to do.

I am so sorry you are faced with this. Even so, I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your SO. In my opinion, that's a start. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Tell us more about yourself and your story. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[juju2]

Hi, Welcome!

You are in the right place.

There is a learning curve here,  tools, experience, strength, hope.  At your pace.

I have to pause, step back, slow everything down.

Especially when am in a learning mode.

I don't want to make anything worse.

Not reacting is key.  When i am in reacting mode, it isn't my true voice, it leads me to regret.

Being here, you can read posts, digest posts, post here, learn tools here, at your pace.  It is a safe space, with a lot of experience, strenght, and hope.

Blessings, j

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome Catperson,

I'm glad you've found us. Sorry to hear that you have had so many difficulties with your relationship.

You mentioned you are concerned about her family beginning to put pressure on you to move in together. Has your gf tried to get you to move in? Do you have a hard time saying "no" under pressure?