need advice giving advice

[Emma 101]

So my diagnosed PBD brother and my close friend got into a /close friendship/romantic thing  (despite my disapproval) for 6 months . It obviously blew up and the whole thing got out of hand and there were some incidents.

He has been gas lighting her and when she rejected him he has gone into devaluation mode. She doesn’t know much about BPD and she doesn’t really get the situation.

He has been telling her that she has BPD herself and that she has all these problems and she believes him. I have known her for 20 years and, while she is very vulnerable and suffers from anxiety and other things, she certainly does not have BPD.

She finds it hard to let go of people and always wants to cling on as she is very needy (because of her own unstable background and drama)  and my brother has gone into devaluation mode and i think he is about to cut her off.

While in the long run this is probably for the best - i want to know how to comfort her and any suggestions of what to say to someone who is very attached to someone like this.

It is different for me because i am a sister and although he has cut me off many times and done all the same kind of things, its not a partner attachment.

Any advice on this would be great.

I also don't know how involved i should get. The whole thing gives me massive anxiety. I was quite upset and angry when this began and i felt betrayed because of the years of abuse i have suffered and my best friend then ignoring me and getting involved felt like a huge betrayal - but now i just want to protect her and at the same time get my BPD brother into a stable condition. (while they have been seeing each other he decided to come off his medication)

[zachira]

You are asking for advice about how to give advice and comfort to your friend who is in a destructive hurtful relationship with your brother and how to help your brother. The comfort part of the question I will leave for some other board members to answer, as we have many caring and knowledgeable members who are dealing with situations like yours with their own family members and friends. As for giving advice: Most people do not want any advice, and they feel invalidated when given unsolicited advice and usually refuse to listen. The first step in giving advice is to listen extensively to a person and try to totally understand their point of view before making any attempt at giving advice. You then ask the person if they would like to know what you think, and if they say no, then you have to let it go. One of the most effective ways to give advice is to ask the person about something they need to do for their own well being and are refusing to do, and say something like: You want ... ., what do you think ... .would say you have to do? The idea is to get them involved in change talk, a concept from motivational interviewing which has interventions that work with people who often seem to have no motivation whatsoever to change destructive behavior. Please let us know how we can help and how you are doing.

[Speck]

Hello, Emma 101:

I also don't know how involved I should get. The whole thing gives me massive anxiety.

Much like zachira, I am so sorry you are faced with this. Even so, I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your brother and friend. In my opinion, that's true love, but is there any reason why you need to get directly involved at all? I guess the next question would be to ask you, would doing so increase or decrease your massive anxiety? The main thing is to focus on your own self-care:

This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Tell us more about yourself and your story. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck