My girlfriend left me for her ex after 6 months - update

[whiteknight4152]

Wow, you covered a lot of ground. 

WW

I texted her yesterday and sent her a couple pics of food I made, and told her to have a good day. She said you too. I caved and sent her a goodnight text. She didn’t respond. I know I shouldn’t have sent it. I’m supposed to be strong abs wait!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[whiteknight4152]

So today her sister tagged her boyfriend and also the ex boyfriend in a post saying they were getting lunch where her sister lives. I can tell my ex liked the pic because it shows a like but I can’t see who it is since I’m blocked still. I’m guessing she’s also tagged in the post, but just can’t see it cause I’m blocked. I don’t understand. I thought they were broken up by looking at their social media and her reaching out to me through text. Come to find out it looks like they took a road trip to see her sister. Also aNother weird thing happened yesterday. One of my ex’s best friends randomly messaged me a picture she thought I’d appreciate. Now, I only met her one time but she is one of her best friends and always thought I was good for her. It was so odd, I wanted to say “hope you’re looking out for _____!” But I had others tell me not to bring her up unless she did. So that was odd, she has never messaged me before. Anyways, Trying to stay positive and think of the long game. Things must be rocky if they are switching up their social media appearance and she’s reaching out to me. I’ll stay patient.

[Radcliff]

Back to basics, whiteknight.  Don't torture yourself wondering what she is up to.  A real rekindling will come through real communication, not indirect social media hints.  If it's not a direct message to you, ignore it.  Concentrate on your self care and confidence building, exercising, spending time with family and friends, making yourself a great partner for someone.  Don't worry about weekly fluctuations in her relationship status. 

WW

[whiteknight4152]

Back to basics, whiteknight.  Don't torture yourself wondering what she is up to.  A real rekindling will come through real communication, not indirect social media hints.  If it's not a direct message to you, ignore it.  Concentrate on your self care and confidence building, exercising, spending time with family and friends, making yourself a great partner for someone.  Don't worry about weekly fluctuations in her relationship status. 

WW

You’re right. It’s just tough being patient. What should be my game plan to stay on her radar? Wait at least 2 weeks and send a message? Or shorter?

[once removed]

What should be my game plan to stay on her radar? Wait at least 2 weeks and send a message? Or shorter?

we are going in circles a bit, whiteknight.

lose this mentality. it will drive you crazy. it will push her away.

relax on the food pictures or goodnight texts; full stop. theyre not helping. this situation has you fighting for crumbs and running with them.

her radar is her relationship. you cant and shouldnt compete with that.

Concentrate on your self care and confidence building, exercising, spending time with family and friends, making yourself a great partner for someone.

this is far more important than any single communication or when to have it. what are you doing in this regard?

[whiteknight4152]

we are going in circles a bit, whiteknight.

lose this mentality. it will drive you crazy. it will push her away.

relax on the food pictures or goodnight texts; full stop. theyre not helping. this situation has you fighting for crumbs and running with them.

her radar is her relationship. you cant and shouldnt compete with that.

this is far more important than any single communication or when to have it. what are you doing in this regard?

I apologize guys. It’s not that I’m ignoring your advice, it’s just a difficult road to take. I had my first meeting with my therapist today, and I mentioned you all and how beneficial the support and advice is. I’m currently working at my friends dad’s metal parts shop for the summer while school is out. I wake up at around 4am and go to the gym before work. I’m focusing on the gym and cooking at the moment which keeps my mind at bay for short periods of time. At work, it’s hard to keep the thoughts of her down. I know it isn’t beneficial for me to think about her constantly, I’m trying my best to not to. I know I shouldn’t be paying attention to her social media or his. I’m trying my best to post as much content to my platforms not to boast, but to keep track of my progress and spark daily motivations. I know, the goodnight text was a bad idea and I shouldn’t have done it! Also Still confused why her good friend would randomly message me in the midst of her getting back in contact with me. I’m trying not to put to much thought into it, and let things flow naturally. Hopefully, she comes to the conclusion to come back to me.

[whiteknight4152]

I’ve been cooking and working outside all day today. Going to get in the gym later tonight with my friend. Still, I find it so hard to not think of her. I haven’t texted her or contacted her at all since last Monday. I’m trying to hold out as long as I can, but every time I cook something I want to show her cause I know she’d appreciate it. The impulse to message her today has been very strong, but I haven’t yet, and came here instead.

[once removed]

The impulse to message her today has been very strong, but I haven’t yet, and came here instead.

a good move. personally, ive found that controlling impulses, big and small, becomes easier over time once we learn to practice.

so youve got a lot of good stuff on your plate. what about friends and family?

I had my first meeting with my therapist today

howd it go? what happened/whatd you talk about?

[whiteknight4152]

My friends and family are doing well. Doing everything they can to support me and my moods. I try my best to be a positive force everywhere I go, but I also have days where I can’t give off any energy. My therapist gave me a lot to work on. I told her about you all and the support and advice I get here. She made a goody analogy. She said, image you are on a horse with a lasso roaming 2 million acres chasing a wild horse. It’s gonna be tough with the horse running away. She then asked, why do you want to tame this wild horse? I told her, before I met her, I was a completely different person because I was holding out for that special person. I found her. She told me that I’m a helper, and that’s what I found in her. Yes she has her bad moods, but she is the kindest and most giving heart I’ve ever met. Helping each other grow while helping others is what made the relationship and our dynamic as a couple so intoxicating. She said okay well if this is the route you’re gonna take, you’ll have to put in the work and discipline. She said “I tell this to my sons as well as my patients, when a girl cheats on you, they have to be the ones to come back. Not you chasing them.” She said that she guarantees she tries to come back at least 5-6 times. She also said in the meantime between our next appointment, that I get more knowledge from here, as well as my BPD book I got when I was with her “walking on eggshells” and pertain the information not only to her, but to myself.

I wasn’t trying to sound like I wasn’t taking information in when I asked how long I should wait again to message her, but when I have a goal in my head, it’s easier for me to try and hold out that long messaging her.

[Shawnlam]

My friends and family are doing well. Doing everything they can to support me and my moods. I try my best to be a positive force everywhere I go, but I also have days where I can’t give off any energy. My therapist gave me a lot to work on. I told her about you all and the support and advice I get here. She made a goody analogy. She said, image you are on a horse with a lasso roaming 2 million acres chasing a wild horse. It’s gonna be tough with the horse running away. She then asked, why do you want to tame this wild horse? I told her, before I met her, I was a completely different person because I was holding out for that special person. I found her. She told me that I’m a helper, and that’s what I found in her. Yes she has her bad moods, but she is the kindest and most giving heart I’ve ever met. Helping each other grow while helping others is what made the relationship and our dynamic as a couple so intoxicating. She said okay well if this is the route you’re gonna take, you’ll have to put in the work and discipline. She said “I tell this to my sons as well as my patients, when a girl cheats on you, they have to be the ones to come back. Not you chasing them.” She said that she guarantees she tries to come back at least 5-6 times. She also said in the meantime between our next appointment, that I get more knowledge from here, as well as my BPD book I got when I was with her “walking on eggshells” and pertain the information not only to her, but to myself.

I wasn’t trying to sound like I wasn’t taking information in when I asked how long I should wait again to message her, but when I have a goal in my head, it’s easier for me to try and hold out that long messaging her.

White knight allow me to tell you a bit about my story and my past exGF with BPD.1 month ago she let me go by text the relationship we were in was not a sane one.I had my issues to as I let her go twice before she finally let me go.The day she did let me go was two days after she had been with her ex bf.So don’t feel bad about being cheated on it seems ppl with BPD have a higher tendency to do so but not all of them .My Marie-xxxx could also be so kind ,affectionate and loving it was impressive and a privilege to see her soft warm side ,one that I fell madly in love with. But with the good comes also the bad,the emotional swings,the drugs,booze,infidelity,the massive impulsive behaviors for attention.

With that said I had the best times of my life with that woman and for those moments I’m thankful.Now comes my two cents... .I hope you do get what you want,also there is no garanties she will be back .To what most have said here giving her space is probably best and to let her come to you “neediness to a BPD is a killer”.Only question I will ask you is : what makes you think it won’t happen again if you do get her back.Are you prepared to have this continue in your life? You’ve read these stories,see a trend here? Just sayin might want to think about that ? Hope you get what you want my friend

[whiteknight4152]

Only question I will ask you is : what makes you think it won’t happen again if you do get her back.Are you prepared to have this continue in your life? You’ve read these stories,see a trend here? Just sayin might want to think about that ? Hope you get what you want my friend

Im very aware this cycle will most likely occur again. That’s why I’m here. To build my knowledge base of handling these situations. It’s hard to explain why people do the things they do. I know why I go out of my way for her, I’ve never met another person that makes me feel the way I do when I’m with her. She carries that wherever she goes and passes it on to everyone she meets. She messed up, yes. I know she was grieving her past relationship that was her longest, and still wasn’t over it, and had to explore it once more. I understand this. I forgive her for what she did, because I love her and I’m willing to move on from it. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, nor should it be swept under the rug. I’m here to compile knowledge from the support here  that is going to best serve me when things go haywire. I’m willing to put in the work, she’s worth it to me.

[whiteknight4152]

I haven’t messaged her or seen any activity on her business page since may 20th.  I think I’m going to send her a message at the end of this work week on Friday.

[once removed]

personally, id give it longer than that.

if you pop up with random greetings every 1-2 weeks, shes going to see it for what it is, expect it, and its going to lose impact each time. it leaves her no reason to initiate contact either.

[whiteknight4152]

personally, id give it longer than that.

if you pop up with random greetings every 1-2 weeks, shes going to see it for what it is, expect it, and its going to lose impact each time. it leaves her no reason to initiate contact either.

Okay... I’ll try to give it longer than that. She has never went this long without posting on her business profile.

[1stTimer]

UPDATE:

I received an email response from her this morning. All she said was "Good luck on finals. and thanks." I emailed her monday and she replied this friday morning. Where do I go from here? I knew she had to see the email on monday. Does it mean anything that she decided to message back after 5 days?

Sorry for your situation first of all. Mine is quite complex and might not even be BPD but the similarity in the reply to my similar email is EERIE. Mine broke off 'us' exactly 18 hours after I'd finally and officially bought into a full on committed monogamous relationship (which she read as 'engaged' and at some point (due to other conversations) I assumed the reason may have been she returned to that ex. I stormed out and weeks later sent a very similar email to her (how much I had cared, how amazed I was at how much I missed her, how I wished her the best, how I'd remember her for opening my heart, etc). Reply: "thank you for your nice note. hope you are well". It is almost like they both read some 'How to deal with Discards: A Guide to being BPD"

I read mine as either what a reply to yours said: acknowledging it meant something to her as do I but not encouraging me to reach out (yet?). So I haven't. The dark take on it is that she did go back to ex who would not let her SPEAK to other men and monitored her emails and VM so she had to reply in a way he wouldn't guess what she was replying to.

I'm in the exact same bind you are/were however now: I see this as some sort of 'door is not closed' and (1 month later) find myself wanting to follow-up

[1stTimer]

Okay... I’ll try to give it longer than that. She has never went this long without posting on her business profile.

Hi WhiteNight, I replied previously about my similar situation but I feel you so strongly with your struggle about when/if/how to reply. I have this amazingly beautiful reply in my Draft box I have sat on for weeks and if I can be strong (and I plan to) likely will never send. Why? Perhaps because of the trite 'if you love something set it free' bromide but also because while you might be able to spark emotion/reply in 'normal' people in all likelihood with pwBPD (and even 'my' girl who I don't believe has it but is way damaged) you spark the exact opposite of what you want.

I know all about the 'Object Inconstancy' issues with pwBPD and the fear that 'out of site out of mind' means you lose her but I don't personally think you can counter it with contact.

Your situation seems similar enough to mine so I'll tell you my plan; I put good thoughts back out there in her mind or heart which she clearly heard at some level and clearly felt enough about me to acknowledge and let me know she wished I was doing well. I have no idea IF she went back to her abusive ex, or the prior abusive ex, or if she decided to start dating her ass off to run from the relationship she finally got that (seemed to) scare her so. In any event, not a further word or email from me will change that.  I reached out to basically say "I am not angry, I do not blame, I did love you, I wish the best for you, I'm moving on". She heard it. So now she can decide if she wants to keep running, if she prefers men who demean her and abuse her, and if she ran from something and someone she actually wanted. I'm gathering that will take time. And again, with the seed I added which allows her to remember what she loved about me, it may grow, it may die, she may not water it in any event.

The real point is there is no more I can do, and from reading your thread you can do either.

I am taking the time to get strong again; I was in formerly great shape, let myself go by the time I met her and she mentioned it; in two months I've channeled the fear/anger/confusion into boxing/working out and am closing in on the best shape of my life and feel and look great. I'm working harder on my business than ever. I am not doing this FOR her, I am doing it FOR me. The saying 'things always happen for a reason' only is true when ... .you make things happen for a reason.

My guess is the following; she will reach out one day. I will be whole, healed, no longer in the vulnerable stage I was when I met her, and be looking and feeling my best. I'll wonder what I ever saw in her. Or maybe it will turn out we had something amazing and the time is right. Or maybe she'll never reach out. But the point is I'll have done what I could for her, for us, for me, and overthinking how to 'expedite' or manipulate her feelings is only taking away from all of that. Just my 02

[CluelessNomore]

I know why I go out of my way for her, I’ve never met another person that makes me feel the way I do when I’m with her. She carries that wherever she goes and passes it on to everyone she meets.

I'm new here and still trying to understand BPD... .but this line indicates your issue. And I know it because I have the same issue. Speaking from my own experience, it's easy for affection from someone else to become an addiction. I sought validation as a man through the way that someone else made me feel. And once an already troubled woman feels responsibility for someone else's feelings too, then an intense resentment is inevitable. This is the biggest reason why my wife is divorcing me.

But I have no intention of chasing her. It will only harm me.

Now, through therapy, groups, and good male friends, I'm learning to find that validation within myself. Dude - you deserve better than a toxic relationship where it is impossible for your needs to get met. Healthy women exist. Healthy relationships exist. I am determined to get one myself... .but I gotta be single for a while and work on myself first. Part of the problem is that I am attracted to women who have issues. That's gotta stop. That's not the kind of woman I deserve.

But to get there, I gotta work through my issues.