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Author Topic: I don't know whether to allow my father to know his first grandchild  (Read 359 times)
elle0903
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« on: April 22, 2018, 12:47:44 PM »

 I'm trying to make the best decision for the sake of my kid, before he arrives, because I know how it feels not to have any family support, despite the fact that both my parents are still alive and, I assume, well. My mother has borderline personality and is high-functioning but moderately to severely affected. My father is thoroughly trained in subservience to her, despite their having been divorced for longer than they were married. In fact my mother has been remarried for longer than they were married.

 I went no contact with my mother 7 years ago approximately, and I have spoken to my father maybe twice since then, once by email. My mother has instituted a family-wide ban on Communications with me, which she attempts to enforce even with extended family. My immediate family, my brothers and father, have complied. However, my extended family, who all live thousands of miles away, have been less willing to acquiesce.

I include The followingdetails not to Garner pity but as an explanation for my frequent tangents and random divergences from the topic at hand. I apologize and I thank you in advance for your patience in bearing with me, and for any insight and advice anyone would be willing to offer.
I have faced significant hardship in order to live my life on my terms. I'm 36 years old. I'm 6 months out of the nearly fatal abusive relationship that in many ways mirrored my relationship with my mother. Unlike my relationship with my mother however, my relationship with my ex became physically violent. I was strangled to unconsciousness on several occasions, as well as suffocated. Twice he attempted to snap my neck, slowly twisting from on top of and behind where he had me pinned, giving me time to contemplate my imminent demise. I don't know what made him stop, maybe he felt the discs slip out of place and thought he'd succeeded. I put him in jail before he could try again.

Between all that and a history of epilepsy, I've accumulated a significant amount of traumatic brain injuries, such that my ability to focus, motivate myself, make plans, execute plans, or stay on task for any length of time has been significantly diminished.  I graduated college in 2005 at the top of my class with a double major in microbiology and molecular biology. Now I can't even remember to renew my food stamps every 6 months and invariably and up scrambling to recertify, going hungry for a couple weeks when they don't appear on my card at the beginning of the seventh month.

 

I'm 4 months pregnant, not by my ex, thank the powers that be, but my baby's father is not interested and is of no help, let alone emotional support. He's a child himself, really, although his 14 year old son is curious and looking forward to being a big brother. I'm so grateful for him! His mother also checks on me periodically, but never gets too close, as her son would see this as a betrayal. So, while he isn't helping, he isn't harming thus far.

I have a couple of close friends that have helped me with food and a place to stay, and who will be involved in my kid's life, and perhaps a mother, an "aunt and uncle," a big brother, grandmother, and minimally-involved father are sufficient to raise a healthy child.

None of us are of any means though, and while I plan on home - schooling, cloth diapers, and doing everything I can myself, there will still be things we need and don't have access to here, not to mention the importence of the presence of a grandfather. But, given my father's total indifference to me because of my decision not to be in contact with my mother, I don't know if my kid is better off not knowing him, rather than feel unloved or rejected because of me. I can take that, he shouldn't have to.

Given my father's blind loyalty to her, I also have to consider the inevitable repercussions of even divulging the existence of a grandchild. My mother has asked a judge to place me on probation, for running away from home as a teenager. When he refused, she paid 15000 dollars and signed  over power of attorney of me to put me in one of only two facilities in the entire country willing to accept female adolescents and hold them against their will by whatever means necessary, for 13 months. It was a fundamental, independent Baptist "school" where we were brainwashed, beaten, and psychologically tortured and humiliated into submission.

With that in mind, I wouldn't put it past her to falsely allege whatever she thought a social worker would deem of enough concern to open a case and take my child. I have had my problems in the past, but despite my financial hardship and unusual lifestyle choices, I still have not and would not do anything that puts my pregnancy at risk. Unfortunately, I know all too well that I lack the means to fight her or the department of children and families should she become enraged and choose to create that kind of issue.

So far my extended family and I have kept our business between just us. They all leave it to me to inform my parents, or not. Even my grandmother, who is 88 years old and desperately wants to see me before she dies, has refrained from attempting a trip down here from Tennessee, as it would cause such problems with my father on behalf of my mother for her to come and see me.

So, as of now, I am reluctant to risk involving my father. He's so defensive of my mother, does this ever change?  I don't fully understand why he's still so loyal to her, after she divorced him over 20 years ago.  Has anyone else experienced this kind of ostracism from their immediate family because of a borderline mother?
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2018, 07:56:10 PM »

Hi Elle welcome to the boards!  You have been through a lot and while I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, I am very glad you found us.  We can listen, challenge and understand you.  I hope you will see that as you read and perhaps post more that we are a pretty open group that can also support you through this time.

First though, congrats on being pregnant!  What a wonderful time in spite of all the potential drama.  I hope you have been able to relax and enjoy this time.

Excerpt
So, as of now, I am reluctant to risk involving my father. He's so defensive of my mother, does this ever change?  I don't fully understand why he's still so loyal to her, after she divorced him over 20 years ago.  Has anyone else experienced this kind of ostracism from their immediate family because of a borderline mother?
I understand why you would be reluctant to involve your father given everything you shared.  There are a lot of posters here on this board who have had their nonBPD parent (the parent who does not have BPD/BPD traits) either side with the pwBPD (person with BPD) or not stand up to them for decades.  The fact that your father continues to follow her rule even 20 years after being divorced indicates to me (and I am no expert) that he behaves the way he does because it is in his character to do so.  He is who he is.  I am not sure what kind of hold your mom has on him all this time later to keep him from interacting with you over the years.  Regardless, I think if he has not bothered to contact you more than 2x's in the last 7 years then you have no obligation to inform him of your pregnancy.  Especially if you can not trust him to protect you and your child's privacy and safety.

Your first obligation is to yourself and your son. 

The chances of you father having a healthy more typical relationship with his grandchild is very slim.  You can pretty well predict how he will be with your child based on how he was with you.  It sounds to me like your child will have enough family, people who will love, cherish and support him.  Your child will not experience the loss and grief of not having a supportive family around him that you did because you have taken steps to make sure you can give him more and have built a support network around you.  It won't be the same for him thankfully.  Other than food stamps do you receive any other support services through your state (I am not asking for details.  I just want to make sure you have tapped all resources out there)

What you experienced as a child was horrible and abusive and just wrong.  It never should have happened.  I am very glad you were able to get out of your abusive relationship with your ex.  That is excellent.  Have you been in therapy to help you heal from your childhood your relationship with your ex? 

Anyway, I hope to see more of you on the boards.  You have found a place where you can get support.  Welcome.
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Speck
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Relationship status: Divorced since Mar 2018
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« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2018, 11:52:02 AM »

Welcome, elle0903!

Welcome

I just wanted to join Harri in welcoming you to the discussion forums. Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that is important. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

Has anyone else experienced this kind of ostracism from their immediate family because of a borderline mother?

Yes, this very thing happened to me at age 23, however, my mother suffers from malignant narcissism, rather than BPD. That was 23 years ago.

It sounds like you are having a really tough time. I'm sorry for that and glad you have found a place which can help you gain the answers that you seek.

You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice. Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstances similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck
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Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2018, 10:40:12 PM »

Quote from: Harri
Your first obligation is to yourself and your son. 

Add the father of two with a BPD mother,  I 100% agree with Harri

You and your child are a primary family unit. It's da that your dad hasn't detached to be his own person after all of this time.  You have at least 3 years before worrying about the lack of bio grandparents in your child's life.  Focus on the present. As an adopted kid who never had grandparents, sure. I missed it to an extent, but life was full enough otherwise.  I can remember not even thinking about it until I was maybe 5.

Ifb it isn't safe to tell the family who cut you off, then why do it? It doesn't sound like it would be helpful at this point. 
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2018, 03:23:26 AM »

Hi Elle0903

First, well done in surviving so much trauma. If this site dished out medals, you’d get the Victoria Cross.  Well done in getting your bully imprisoned, appalling behaviour on their part. I would also say, your intelligence shines through in your writing. You have a lovely turn of phrase, a single parent Mom, you’re not J K Rowlings are you ?
as of now, I am reluctant to risk involving my father. He's so defensive of my mother, does this ever change?  I don't fully understand why he's still so loyal to her, after she divorced him over 20 years ago.
Past behaviour is our best indication of future behaviour, so as its been so long, I’m guessing your father behaviour will continue. I was my father’s closest child, but a BPD will ensure her subject pledge allegiance to the Queen first and foremost. Brainwashing techniques and propaganda are based on NPD/BPD techniques as are adverts.
Look what Charles Mansons, Hitler, ISIS have all achieved. So by comparison, one carefully chosen partner, trapped by love, is easy for most BPD to control given time. The longer in their control, the less likely to break rank. Not you or your father’s fault, he fell into the spider web. Its not personal.

I have C-PTSD , due to violent upbringing. Have you been diagnosed beyond “trauma” ? The value is there are specific programs to help with specific types of trauma. I also experienced the memory loss etc. but have recovered through therapy somewhat. Forgive me if you already know this, but self employment may reward your intelligence, whilst allowing for your health issues.

It is hard to give up on the relationship we should have had with our parents, I found “radical acceptance” helped in that respect. So given your feedback so far, which way are you leaning ? Is connecting with your Dad worth the link back to your BPD ?
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