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Author Topic: My sister has cut me out of her life  (Read 475 times)
Adrianna
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
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« on: April 22, 2018, 04:14:06 PM »

I am ten years older than my sister and I have loved her from the time she was born.  I have tried to protect her and take care of her for the past 58 years including financial help whenever she needed it.  Our mother died when my sister was only 21 years old so I tried to fill that role.  I knew she was needy, manipulative, selfish, but I felt it was my duty so I overlooked many of the signs that she might have BPD. 
The recent blowup came when I told her and my brother I was going on a trip to Germany to visit relatives in case they were interested in going also.  My brother said he wanted to go but my sister said she couldn't afford it.  I was surprised because I knew her husband had been doing very well financially, but I accepted her answer.  Shortly after this someone who knows my brother and works in a grocery store chain sent my brother a picture of our sister going out of the store with a cart with large items in it.  The picture was posted in the employee room with the notice that this person was a shoplifter and if she came into the store again she was to be reported to security.  There was video evidence of her shoplifting so she would most likely be arrested on the spot.
I thought long and hard about this and then decided I had to tell her.  I couldn't face the thought of her walking into the store unaware.  It was one of the hardest phone calls I've ever made but I did it.  She said she didn't shoplift and she was going to march into that store and insist they take her photo down.  I knew she wouldn't do that - that she was just saving face, but I let it go.  My brother and I did not tell anyone else - not our siblings, not her husband, not her daughters.
After that she started talking obsessively about me to everyone in our family (there are 8 of us - 5 boys, 3 girls - I'm the oldest).  She said I was a narcissist, evil, dangerous, selfish, a bully, etc.  She said I was spinning tales about her and I shouldn't be trusted or believed.  When people asked her why she was so mad at me she said it was because I had not invited her to go to Germany.
I tried and tried to get through to her but she would not listen to me.  At one point she told me our parents would be ashamed of me and she never wants to see or talk to me again and that now I only have one sister left and that sister doesn't even know my name (our sister has Down Syndrome-is 60 years old and has Alzheimer's).
It has dawned on me that the reason she was so upset about Germany is that I didn't offer to pay her way when she said she couldn't afford it.  She most certainly could afford it (her husband confirmed that) - she just wanted me to prove my love as I always had - paying for everything.
There is so much more but this is enough for an introduction.  I still love her but she is tearing our family apart and I don't know how to deal with her.   
   
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HappyChappy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2018, 07:09:47 AM »

This must be very frustrating for you, all those years of doing the right thing and turning the other cheek, only to be trashed when it suits your sisters purposes. My NPD bro did the same, his lack of loyalty was astounding. But if it helps, your sisters behaviour sound very BPD, so it’s not personal. Would it help if your sister knew other had seen the proof, it’s harder to smear multiple people ?

Someone with BPD tends to attack as the best form of defence, so could your sister be smearing you, simply to out of fear you are going to tell everyone ? Could Germany be a red herring ? As you say, she could afford to go, but chose not too. As for expecting you to pay, a BPD has a strong sense of entitlement, they expect everyone to help them.

Have you spoken to your brother about this, the one that was sent the photo ? A BPD is expert at divide and conquer, but if a group of you sat her down and discussed this, without you heading up that group, would that dissipate things ? It’s harder for your sister to target a group if its unclear who the leader is. Is your sister aware your brother knows ? Does anyone else know ? A problem shared is a problem halved. Also smears are best nipped in the bud, BPD are typically good at war propaganda, and never tyre of the repetition it requires. Before she has everyone blaming you for all the aggro and everyone is too afraid to talk about it, would it be helpful to enlist help ? Going head to head with a BPD is probably not your best option, she has already shown you what that looks like.

As awful as this may currently appear, never forget you hold the proof and she just holds a bunch of lies. What are your current thoughts on your planned way forward ?
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
Pina colada
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« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2018, 07:45:13 AM »

HiAdrianna,I am sorry for your troubles with your sister.  I just wanted to ad that my sister cut me off in December, (we have had a rocky history she is mentally ill) and now, almost five months later my life is so awesome!  Sometimes things happen and we are upset, we don't understand it, and then we realize it was a blessing in disguise!  It is frustrating as you were always there for her but if she has BPD remember, their actions do not make sense.
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Adrianna
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« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2018, 10:13:39 PM »

Thank you for responding Pina colada and Happy Chappy.
You are right on about the preemptive attack.  I now believe she was telling everyone that I was "spinning tales" and all the reasons I should not be believed in case I did tell about the shoplifting.  I was so perplexed about why she would treat my brother and me so badly when she knew what we knew.  If I had been her I would have treated us with kid gloves.  But she wasn't worried about us because she thought she had covered her tracks.
I also think the Germany thing is a red herring.  She's using it as a reason to be mad at me when we both know what the real issue is.
You might wonder where her husband is in all this.  He is busy "walking on eggshells".  I can only imagine what he and their three daughters have gone through.  About six months ago my sister said she was going to divorce him - that he was emotionally abusive to her, was severely depressed, and that he had never liked our family and has been trying to keep her away from us for years.  I had always liked him and had good experiences with him so I was very surprised.  She said they couldn't afford to live separately so he was living in the basement.  A few months later I saw Facebook pictures of them holding hands and being lovey dovey - she was calling him her honey and love of her life.  i asked her what was going on and she said everything was fine now.  What?
When this latest episode happened I did call him to see if he could shed any light on the situation and he acted like nothing was wrong - she was just mad about Germany but she would get over it.  Then my sister texted me to never call her husband again.
He doesn't know about the shoplifting.  My husband thinks I should tell him but I'm afraid to.  What if it's the final straw and he leaves her?  I just don't think I can be responsible for something like that.
Well, I've rambled long enough.  I have talked to my brothers and they have experienced much the same things I am experiencing.  So at least I'm not alone.
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Speck
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced since Mar 2018
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« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2018, 12:03:04 PM »

Welcome, Adrianna!

Welcome

I wanted to take a moment to join HappyChappy and Pina colada in welcoming you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I still love her but she is tearing our family apart and I don't know how to deal with her.

I am so sorry you are faced with this. Even so, I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your sister. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Tell us more about yourself and your story. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2018, 01:47:30 AM »

About six months ago my sister said she was going to divorce him - that he was emotionally abusive to her, was severely depressed, and that he had never liked our family and has been trying to keep her away from us for years... .being lovey dovey - she was calling him her honey and love of her life.
Your sister has done to her husband exactly what she did to you. He clearly hasn’t been obedient enough, so she is encouraging you not to speak with him by saying he’s depressed (so thats why hes talking rubbish) and that he stopped her talking with you (so hes the enemy) and he was being emotional abusive (so that negates him accusing her of being abusive).  BPD are far more predictable than use norms.

I’ve seen my mother go from screaming at us for half an hour, to laughing on the phone when she answers the phone. Its the mark of someone that uses emotion to manipulate rather than it being natural emotions. They make good actors.

You mention telling your sisters husband about the shop lifting. What value would that have ? A BPD is very good at encouraging rescuers, but if you read up on it, drama circles, being a rescuer is not always a good thing (for the rescuer). Do you think that might apply here ? Would they not just close ranks and shoot the messenger ?
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
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