Wife with BPD that refuses to seek help

[Interj910]

In a 13 year relationship with 2 kids that has never really been good. Have been doing the BPD dance since the first night of marriage. Verbal and emotional abuse, violent outbursts that involve smashed mirrors, pictures, holes in walls and doors etc. Blames me for all of it, immediately switches to crying and hitting herself talking about how she is such a terrible person. Have been in couples therapy for 6 months, no improvement, therapist tells me I need to establish boundaries and that any one of the instances that happen several times a week would be grounds for ending the relationship and I need to take care of myself. Despite all this I love her and want her to get better, she refuses to get help despite my and our marriage counselors prodding. Says she isn’t going to fix herself for me. Says I only want the good parts of the relationship and don’t love her unconditionally, basically if you can’t take me at my worst, you don’t deserve my best. Confused, scared, and don’t know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

Hi Interj910.

You are painting quite a grim, complex picture.

So you've been in this relationship for 13 years. Other than therapy not working out too well for you, is there anything else going on recently that brought you here?

You mentioned that you're confused and scared. It's OK to feel that way, and it's not surprising. There are many resources here that can help. To get you started... .Is there any one trait she has, or conflict you're having, that is the hardest for you?

I'm looking forward to hearing back from you.

-ngu



 

[Mutt]

Hi InterJ910,


I’d like to join NGU and welcome you to bpdfamily. I can understand how it would feel scary and hopeless if she refuses to change. My gf says the same thing if you can’t handke at my worst then you don’t deserve my best she’s a non adding unconditional love to that sounds like she’s trying to bust your boundaries. There is hope, you’re not alone, check other discussions you’ll see a lot of similarities with your story.

We can’t change someone else what we can do is change ourselves once that you change everything changes. I’d like to echo NGU what are some of the big issues in the r/s?