How I Spied on my Ex-BPD; and What I Learned

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

True Confession – I was the proverbial fly on the wall after I became Ex2BPD. 

Okay, I’ve read several statements in which the ex-mate to a BPD wondered if the “next” relationship that their BPD attempted was (a) steamier; (b) happier; (c) more stable; (d) more loving. It’s time for me to confess.

Weird that Fate would give me a fly-on-the-wall listen into my BPD’s next conquest; but She did... .Here’s how it went:

When I fled my apartment after one particularly cruel verbal attack and with my apartment torn apart by BPD rage, I found myself at the doorstep of my next-door neighbors who took me in over the holidays.

There is a stairwell that runs up through the core of the apartment building and my bedroom and kitchen wall abut that stairwell.

I always asked my neighbors if they could hear our music; if BPD and I were too loud – and Sweeties that they are – they always lied and said, “No”. 

It was during the 30 days that I was waiting for my BPD to clear out that I discovered that BPDs have “tapes” and “templates” that they use regardless of who they are trying to conquer.

My BPDbf did not know that I had taken haven next door, and because the front porches are on opposite sides of the building and my neighbors gave me their ‘garage privilege’ – which my BPD didn’t have; He never saw me coming and going.

One night, sitting in the stairwell sipping a gin and tonic – I mean a coca cola – I realized that I could Actually hear his voice coming through “our” bedroom wall! He has a loud, booming voice and it was so easy to make out his words. (No glass tumbler needed!)

Wowosh! He was on the phone flirting with someone over his music collection, asking her if she wanted to come over to “his place” and “chill”! 

I became obsessed (this was 4 months ago – so over this now) with following his voice while spending the evenings crying in the stairwell. It was Christmas time and for 5 weeks they became a “couple”. 

I could hear them making dinner in the kitchen!  I could hear him say, “I love you, bunny.”  (What the Hell – that is precisely the pet name he used for me!)

I realized how many shades of Alfred Hitchcock were coloring my world when, on one particular evening, maybe 3 weeks into their love affair, I could hear him accuse her testily, “Why are you looking at me like that?” (He was going into his Mr. Hyde personae.) I could hear her reply, “Whaaatt… I’m looking at you with love in my eyes.”

This was the exact same situation he would put me in – the talisman that I was on “notice” – that even my 'Look of Love' could – and would – be misconstrued.

We “mates” are merely temporary “faces” floating in front of BPDs to whom they practice their age-old lines. Many times it doesn’t matter if we ‘match’ our BPDs philosophically, politically, style-wise, or by age bracket.  December-May or May-December liaisons are irrelevant as long as you supply the appropriate level of devotion.

That night I learned that the modis of a BPD is Step One, Step Two, Step Three, Step Four – Repeat. Step One, Step Two, Step Three, Step Four – Repeat. Their lovers may change; but they certainly don’t.

Your replacement isn't having any better time than you did, believe me on this.

Lastly, during my harrowing relationship with BPDbf I had no idea there was such a thing as BPD; but –without exception—every trick in the book divulged on bpdfamily.com fits his words, relationship pacing and torture sequence. 

They will make you so sorry for ever loving them.

Signed,
Me – Taking Care of Me!

[Ex2BPD]

True Confession – I was the proverbial fly on the wall after I became Ex2BPD. 

Okay, I’ve read several statements in which the ex-mate to a BPD wondered if the “next” relationship that their BPD attempted was (a) steamier; (b) happier; (c) more stable; (d) more loving. It’s time for me to confess.

Weird that Fate would give me a fly-on-the-wall listen into my BPD’s next conquest; but She did... .Here’s how it went:

When I fled my apartment after one particularly cruel verbal attack and with my apartment torn apart by BPD rage, I found myself at the doorstep of my next-door neighbors who took me in over the holidays.

There is a stairwell that runs up through the core of the apartment building and my bedroom and kitchen wall abut that stairwell.

I always asked my neighbors if they could hear our music; if BPD and I were too loud – and Sweeties that they are – they always lied and said, “No”. 

It was during the 30 days that I was waiting for my BPD to clear out that I discovered that BPDs have “tapes” and “templates” that they use regardless of who they are trying to conquer.

My BPDbf did not know that I had taken haven next door, and because the front porches are on opposite sides of the building and my neighbors gave me their ‘garage privilege’ – which my BPD didn’t have; He never saw me coming and going.

One night, sitting in the stairwell sipping a gin and tonic – I mean a coca cola – I realized that I could Actually hear his voice coming through “our” bedroom wall! He has a loud, booming voice and it was so easy to make out his words. (No glass tumbler needed!)

Wowosh! He was on the phone flirting with someone over his music collection, asking her if she wanted to come over to “his place” and “chill”! 

I became obsessed (this was 4 months ago – so over this now) with following his voice while spending the evenings crying in the stairwell. It was Christmas time and for 5 weeks they became a “couple”. 

I could hear them making dinner in the kitchen!  I could hear him say, “I love you, bunny.”  (What the Hell – that is precisely the pet name he used for me!)

I realized how many shades of Alfred Hitchcock were coloring my world when, on one particular evening, maybe 3 weeks into their love affair, I could hear him accuse her testily, “Why are you looking at me like that?” (He was going into his Mr. Hyde personae.) I could hear her reply, “Whaaatt… I’m looking at you with love in my eyes.”

This was the exact same situation he would put me in – the talisman that I was on “notice” – that even my 'Look of Love' could – and would – be misconstrued.

We “mates” are merely temporary “faces” floating in front of BPDs to whom they practice their age-old lines. Many times it doesn’t matter if we ‘match’ our BPDs philosophically, politically, style-wise, or by age bracket.  December-May or May-December liaisons are irrelevant as long as you supply the appropriate level of devotion.

That night I learned that the modis of a BPD is Step One, Step Two, Step Three, Step Four – Repeat. Step One, Step Two, Step Three, Step Four – Repeat. Their lovers may change; but they certainly don’t.

Your replacement isn't having any better time than you did, believe me on this.

Lastly, during my harrowing relationship with BPDbf I had no idea there was such a thing as BPD; but –without exception—every trick in the book divulged on bpdfamily.com fits his words, relationship pacing and torture sequence. 

They will make you so sorry for ever loving them.

Signed,
Me – Taking Care of Me!

[Speck]

Hello, Ex2BPD!

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for what you went through in that relationship, but I'm glad you are on a healthy road to self-discovery.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you so much. Just thank you.

L

[tlc232]

Interesting... .  The similarities overall and then these layers of low self esteem and the constant need for fresh devotion of just how spectacular they are when the shine wears off.   

Has he attempted to come back yet?   Just wondering what the similarities are there WHEN it happens (likely not "if".     

I hope I can remember someday what "normal" is again.   Hmmm... .   

Thanks, Ex2BPD... .  interesting insight... .  and glad you are making yourself happy!   It's hard to remember how, isn't it? 

[Harley Quinn]

It's awful to imagine how painful that must have been for you to hear at the time yet I can imagine it has actually helped you in your detaching.  Would I be right in my thinking?  In some respects, whilst it feels insulting in some ways to know that we were treated as many others have been (and were not that special 'one' who was different to the rest), it helped me to accept things for what they were.  An illness and a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms playing themselves out.  How are you doing at present?

Love and light x 

[GlennT]

   ALSO A SPY. LOL. Too few have the bittersweet luck to be able to see the total truth of their psychopathy, playing with new victims so up-close,  and to start healing with NC. It's true they have a role, script, or screenplay, but they also can change roles, characters, etc., and seem to be different people, but the idealization, devalue, discard, phases most of the time, are predictable. It can be harder to see the total truth so clearly, but all the stronger I have become, and so will you. They can be the strongest, most tenacious,  charming, hunters/chasers, of old/new victims, in the world!

[Ex2BPD]

Has he attempted to come back yet?   Just wondering what the similarities are there WHEN it happens (likely not "if".     

I hope I can remember someday what "normal" is again.   Hmmm... .   

Dear tlc232,
Thank you for your sentiments. It's interesting how quiet life becomes post-BPD. A month ago I literally didn't have a moment to put on lipstick -- the more I learn, the more I realize that loving a BPD is almost identical to responding to the demands of an infant in a crib -- I get it! (The infant comparisons, that is)

Five weeks after our final communication and BPDbf now contacts me through third parties, via 'cc' on emails. We owned a band together and I just made the last paycheck to him today as he thrashed through an email explanation to his attorney on why the two of us are not involved in bookings, etc.

"Normal" -- I'm not sure what that is yet. My only conclusion at this point is that I may have saved myself, my sanity, and my financial well-being by "allowing" him to break up with me during a rage.

I kind of took 'the briar patch' escape, knowing pre-rage that the 'next time' he raged and cut me off from our business and love affair (and of course it came) I would 'accept' his hatefilled-vitriolic script, and his 'blocking me' (that lasted less than 24 hours) and feed back to him how much I had ruined his life and that I accepted his decision.
- - -

To Harley Quinn: Yes, sitting in the stairwell listening to someone else receive my Love Lines gutted me. Thank goodness my hosts were lending me an empty apartment, so I didn't have to face anyone.

I've come so far since Christmas, but that situation will always cause some degree of hurt feelings. Insight:  In that moment, I thought ... ."SHEs the One!  She will be perfect. She will take care of him in the ways that I could not... " You know --- standard stuff.

She broke up with him after 5 weeks. By New Years Eve he was alone, I was told by mutual friends.

- - -

Glenn T:
I know!  What an opportunity -- discovering I could live in a parallel universe to ExBPD was kind of like a Woody Allen movie.

At the offset I remember hearing his voice and thinking, "Where is that coming from?" and doing the "warmer, warmer, Oops! you're getting cold." Game; until I realized that the stairwell was as good as an on-stage mic.

You're right about BPDs being the "strongest, most tenacious, charming, hunters/chasers... ."

I would never, ever, ever entertain 'getting even' or delude myself that I could win a reverse-mind-game with this guy.  My brilliant, classically trained musician -- the most handsome man in my life -- always told me I would never outsmart him -- and now when I think of him it's as a comparison to the character in "The Talented Mr. Ripley" by Patricia Highsmith.

On being a spy:  "LOL" is right! It's the closest I will ever come to trickery over a BPD. hahaha.

Me, Taking Care of Me.

[randomuser94]

I did the 'spy' thing as well. She forgot Web whatsapp on my old laptop. She did the same things with the new guy that she did with me. Playing the victim, making him feel like they are soulmates after a week or two, even manipulating him into asking her to move with him and introducing him to family, telling him how much her mother/aunt likes him, how lucky she is to have found him. Even funnier is the fact that after only a week she had her first 'feed me attention' fight where he had picked to see his brother instead of her.
   It looks like a script indeed. It kind angered me a bit, knowing that she will consume the new guy as well while he has no idea.
  Other things i've seen on her 'script': telling him that "beauty fades in time, and they will make money together" to manipulate him into trusting her since the guy is insecure about himself-not so handsome and kinda poor. Sadly she is one of the most money-hunger girl i've seen in my life. She asked me to sue my family in order for her to get more money(trough me). Furthermore she always mocked me on how beautiful she is compared with me and how I will never find better. And yeah, he told me this "beauty fades" thing as well and I belived it for a while. The new guy belives it as well

[Will2Power]

This was satisfying to read for a multitude of reasons.
 
It validated the burning self doubt we all have on some level: was it just because of who I am? Or is it their pathology? Etc... .

My ex pwBPD is officially diagnosed with BPD, I am in grad school to become a therapist, I have read countless books/materials on cluster Bs, and to this day, I STILL deal with the cognitive dissonance of thinking the abuse was my fault.

 I also have the complusion to spy. If I could, I would in a heartbeat. I think it makes me feel less alone- like I’m not the only one going crazy over a lack of closure.

I didn’t get the satisfaction of seeing him with a new romantic partner, but I am very close with his best friend from childhood. I know most would recommend cutting all ties with anyone close to their ex, but this person is the exception and is safe and I trust them. (He knows that my expwBPD is sick, and he feels more of an obligation to him after his parents died. They grew up together... .). Blah blah blah- it’s not a toxic thing, & y’all get the point.

  Anyway, after I went NC with my pwBPD, his best friend from childhood experienced similar guilt trips, stalking, abuse, threats, etc. AND this best friend reached out to me telling me how ___ed up his head feels, how his identity feels gone, etc... .it was clear validation that my expwBPD needs SOMEONE to abuse. He couldn’t find a new woman, but this best friend of his must have been the next best thing in the interim. The best friend ended up blocking him, but then my ex BPD called his friends parents and told them that if there son didn’t talk to him, it would be his fault for the suicide. Point is: There was the same script in a lot of what this mutual friend reported back. I think it goes to show that the pwBPDs behavior will remain true, no matter how hard you try. It also doesn’t matter the nature of the relationship!

Your validation of this sounds wicked awesome and I’m envious. I’m fortunate enough to have this small tidbit of validation, but I am always wishing for more. I am waiting for the day when I don’t need any at all... .but in the meantime, this story helped me a lot. Cognitive dissonance/damaged me needs all the validation I can get right now. THANK YOU

[40days_in_desert]

I had a similar opportunity with my ex. After being apart for 2.5 years, she finally submitted FB data which included Messenger conversations which included over 10,000 messages between her and my replacement. Yep, eventually the shaming, guilting, belittling, the "if you loved me, you would... ." statements and other similarities became part of their lives. His replies were very similar to mine. A lot of it simply provided absolute confirmation for what I had highly suspected already.

[Ex2BPD]

The best friend ended up blocking him, but then my ex BPD called his friends parents and told them that if there son didn’t talk to him, it would be his fault for the suicide.

Dear Will2Power,
After I left this thread, thinking it was all over, my Ex-uBPD contacted me through a 3rd party eMail -- our business attorney.

The message to me this past Friday night was how displeased he was (recycled argument) over an email exchange he had asked me to have with this attorney that had been unresolved (triangulating his cast of characters).

The jist of his message was how hard it was for him to not have competent people to depend on (because I have gone NC and don't work for him anymore);

... .A string of 6+ monologue emails on a Friday night - totally out of the blue!

The only course he saw for himself in light of my silence was suicide.

"There will be blood on your hands," he typed, referring to me and my hands.

Uhmmm... .It's Tuesday and he's still alive and well -- posting on Facebook to his fan base as though everything is good in the world (he's a musician).

Thank you for the reminder to all of us here regarding the BPD's throw down of the suicide-card.

It's as tragic as it is tedious.

[Will2Power]

The only course he saw for himself in light of my silence was suicide.

"There will be blood on your hands," he typed, referring to me and my hands.

Uhmmm... .It's Tuesday and he's still alive and well -- posting on Facebook to his fan base as though everything is good in the world (he's a musician).

Thank you for the reminder to all of us here regarding the BPD's throw down of the suicide-card.

Yes. And thank you for reinforcing it again. I can’t count the amount of times he threatened it. When one is in the throws of the cognitive dissonance of a BPD relationship, it’s hard to not be manipulated into reacting to that with guilt. Inevitably, his threats to kill himself always worked and I would rush over. At the time, it was terrifying and I felt accountable. Logically, no one is responsible for someone’s suicide. I know that now... .When he started threatening to kill ME, I left. When he wanted to hurt himself because of me, I couldn’t allow it. It’s scary when someone accuses you of that.  Now I realize what a manipulative tactic that is. It envokes feelings of fear and guilt and obligation making the relationship with a pwBPD that much more traumatizing to experience. Thanks for your share too!

Side note: he literally said the same thing about “blood on your hands” which is eerie and validating all at once.

[Moselle]

Ex2BPD, sorry to hear of your serendipitous discoveries, and of the subsequent emails.

I can relate to your thoughts as you realise you were treated just as a source of supply, like many others. 

How have these experiences assisted you in your detaching process?