it happenned - he got married

[hotncold]

about a year ago my BPDex tried to recycle and wanted to sleep with me. I tried to turn him down nicely (he was in a relationship with someone else and did not indicate that he was planning on leaving her), but he got really angry. He was sending me angry text messages trying to elicit an angry response on my part and I didn't take the bait. Finally after a few months he reached out asking me a question that seemed to indicate he was in distress so I responded (after waiting several weeks because I was traveling). He then told me it was a mistake and he'd been drunk and never should have texted me and that he was deleting my number forever and that he would never contact me again. I was so hurt. I blocked him on every single social media that I had... .and two months later he went to city hall and got married. Since I've been blocking him for many months now I didn't know and only found out recently. It still hurts. I haven't let go apparently. I am still left picking apart this wedding - whether it was in reaction to my turning him down and finally cutting off all contact or if it was already in the works and he just wanted to use me before getting married. I thought I had moved on. I changed my life. And still, I was thinking about him recently so I decided I would check to demystify it and kill my expectations that maybe he would feel some remorse and reach out to me. So I checked his media feeds and found this all out. And now I feel like s--t. Why did I harbour hope that he would feel remorse? I don't know how people who behave this way can actually live with themselves, nor do I understand how he can move on like he does, when I am stuck with some remnants of hope.

We are at the age where the next step are kids and it wouldn't surprise me if they might have them on the way. I have spent the better part of my thirties enmeshed with this man and emotionally struggling to detach from him and have been unable to move on.  I have done so much work. Therapy, all of it. Still here I am, in awe as to how someone can be so horrible and cruel to someone else, move on, find someone who appears perfectly "normal" and build a life together. Yes for the longest time I dreamed that he and I could be together and clearly I still clung to it. He was the first and to date only man I met where I felt such a strong desire to have children with. I wanted his babies but we were never stable enough for that to happen. I have never wanted children with anyone else. And now I am left with the very likely possibility of never having children as I am in my late thirties.

I am horrified. He is not a human. He's a monster. I know the answer is "move on" - and I have been working SOO hard to move on. Can someone tell me what it is that the universe wants from all this? - struggling.

[Mutt]

Hi hotncold,

That’s tough news. I can understand how the last time you both talked it didn’t go down well. I’d be expecting things to cool off too and maybe my ex would find reason and talk about it. You didn’t get that it’s a pretty crummy way to find out for someone that was special for you.

BPD doesn’t get cured because you’re in a different relationship or you get married. We honestly don’t know anything about the other, how do you that the n ct step is going to be kids? Maybe they don’t like kids?

I can also see how this news would stir up a lot of feelings. Changing ones life is not an easy task that’s huge since he left.

[hotncold]

thanks for your message. Despite feeling quite low earlier I have bounced back a bit. I remembered I once heard a podcast by tara brach called the healing power of self compassion and listened to it and came to realize that most of my suffering is in fact self inflicted. When we ruminate about these relationships and blame ourselves its a form of self harm, I am now convinced of it due to other thoughts crossing my mind during the day. I meditated for quite a long time and listened to the podcast and frankly the BPDex is hugely diminished. I will see how this processing of grief progresses. But I allowed myself to feel my pain rather than resisting or controlling it and also ruminating which I think Tara Brach calls the "second arrow". BPDex sends arrows but I am responsible for the second arrows. As I meditated there were moments there where suddenly a vision of him came to me where he was like an ugly and mean rat... .small and sneaking around in the dark. Still this is not an easy thing at all. I am simply working to reduce the harm... .not undo what has been done.

[Insom]

Hi, hotncold.   

He was sending me angry text messages trying to elicit an angry response on my part and I didn't take the bait.

Good job! It can feel hard to not take the bait when someone behaves provokingly.  It sounds like you handled this well. 

I wanted his babies but we were never stable enough for that to happen. I have never wanted children with anyone else. And now I am left with the very likely possibility of never having children as I am in my late thirties.

I hear that you wanted his babies.  How do you feel about having kids in general separate from him?  Does this feel like an important life goal to you?  Or are you someone who could be happy without children?

(FWIW, I think late thirties is a perfect time to ask yourself this important life question.)

[hotncold]

Hi thanks for the message. Over the past few years I have really warmed up to having children because I finally figured out that I would actually be good at it and would not perpetuate the abuse that I received as a child... .prior to that I was ambivalent about it.

When I met the BPDex... .there was something so biologically primitive that clicked between us that I had never encountered with anyone else. There was so much beauty to him... .but then there was the flip side where he seems to have this need to punish me every time I didn't do what he wanted.
A good piece of advice that I got recently is that in my latest encounter with him I  protected myself, so he punished someone else. The situation is very very sick... .but I guess I can simply say that I am on the periphery of that sickness now and need to keep distancing myself from it. I guess him getting better, us getting married and building a family and living happily ever after was a fantasy that I held on to for a really long time. I don't know why I clung to it so strongly but it was something that felt right. I couldn't understand why the universe refused so desperately to align in that way... .I also can't understand how he can find someone to go along and accompany him in this sick charade. 

[Pencil sketch]

In simple terms, you rejected him.
Regardless of how we see it, to him, you have played into one of his biggest fears.
He cant face his pain, so transfers it onto you, and has jumped feet first into another relationship.
We will work our way, through the mystery, that is BPD, and will emerge stronger.
On the other hand, our ex partners, are stuck in this perpetual void, of fear, and pain.
I know who I would rather be.
Feel sorry for the one he married.

[hotncold]

In simple terms, you rejected him.

What a twisted world he has to live in to think that me protecting myself and not turning into his concubine was rejection. It's as though when someone raises his hand to strike someone he feels rejected if the person covers their face to protect themselves. But now I see how their worst fears only repeat themselves over and over again. They FORCE people to act in a way that they can then interpret as rejection. 

The person he married would have to be working really really hard in order to "not see" him for who he is. He told me that she frequently refuses to hear details of his past, or even his present. How can one live in such blindness?
I guess this is no longer any of my concern.

[Sparky5]

What a twisted world he has to live in to think that me protecting myself and not turning into his concubine was rejection. It's as though when someone raises his hand to strike someone he feels rejected if the person covers their face to protect themselves. But now I see how their worst fears only repeat themselves over and over again. They FORCE people to act in a way that they can then interpret as rejection. 

The person he married would have to be working really really hard in order to "not see" him for who he is. He told me that she frequently refuses to hear details of his past, or even his present. How can one live in such blindness?
I guess this is no longer any of my concern.

Hey hotncold,
   Sounds like some great insight on your part. This must be very difficult and I dread the day that I find out my ex has just got married. You are right in that they seem to FORCE people to act in a way that they can interpret as rejection. I've never heard it put that way but it really resonates with me.
   Indeed it is no longer out concern when they run to another. I'm having to accept that as well though it is difficult because she still lives under my roof when she's not out partying for days on end. It sounds like you've really turned the corner so to speak. Might I ask what you are doing for self care? I was told to remember the acronym HALT. Don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired but what do you do?

-Sparky