How do I heal from her?

[whiteknight4152]

Hey everyone,
Here’s a link to my intitial post explaining my situation
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322994.0

Its been about 2 months since I broke up with my BPD ex.I don’t know where to go from here. Recently learning from social media that the love of my life had left me for her toxic ex has left me in shambles. She was telling me of her nightmares that were troubling her of her ex. That she didn’t love him anymore, but she felt she left him “abruptly” (when in reality she was forced to leave from the way her treated her).So I told her that I trusted her to do whatever she needed to do, to close that chapter in her life. Apparently, I put too much trust in her, because that allowed her to rekindle their relationship, resulting in leaving me, the one she once loved so deeply days before.  

I’ve lost my identity along with my motivation to do anything anymore. My anxiety is at an all time high, I’m isolating and alienating myself(not on purpose) and tomorrow I’m actually going to see a psychiatrist. No partner has ever tore me down the core like my BPD ex did. I’ve never tolerated cheating or even a hint of it, yet if she reached out to me at this moment, I’d take her back in a heartbeat. What does that say of me? Before, I would never accept this kind of behavior, but now I’d do anything to have her back. No one has made me feel the way she has.

My concern is that I will never meet anyone as exciting as her again. She literally had every quality I’ve ever wanted in a woman. Most would say that is mirroring, but we met in class where our interests and similarities intertwined. I understand at this moment, I can’t be with anybody romantically. I’m just too emotionally damaged at this point in time. I’m trying to play the “long game” and let her and the ex play out and be here for when it burns out. It’s just so difficult. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop looking at their social media accounts, and I’ve never been this way. She has become my drug.

I saw her on campus today walking with her friends(she didn’t see me) and it just brought up a rush of emotions. I don’t know how to move on. I’m trying to be more social with friends, stay busy, work harder in the gym, but memories of her are on a 24/7 loop in my head and it won’t stop, I’m losing sleep. I’m having random breakdowns multiple times a day, and it’s wearing on my family and friends. I’m just terrified that I will never meet a woman that had everything she had again. My mother tells me that I will find someone who was everything she was and more. That I just need to have faith. I’m trying, But that’s just so difficult to believe. If anybody has any advice for me, your support is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Harley Quinn]

Whiteknight, I'm glad to hear that you're attempting to apply yourself to things and are seeking support from a P.  If you receive support for your anxiety that will help you a great deal.  My question to you is are you ready to let go?  If you are holding onto hope, it will be difficult for you to detach.  We can help you here to work through your grief and heal, if that is what you want to do?  Let us know how you feel about this and how your appointment goes with the P. 

Love and light x

[Wicker Man]

She has become my drug.

White Knight,

I literally, in so many words, described the fallout of leaving my undiagnosed BPD lover to my therapist as trying to quite a schedule 1 drug.

Schedule I drugs are those that have the following characteristic according to the United States Drug Enforcement Agency:

---The drug or other substance has a high potential for abuse. (I was addicted and it was abusive)

---The drug or other substance has no currently accepted medical treatment use in the U.S. (This relationship was not good for me)

---There is a lack of accepted safety for use of the drug or substance under medical supervision. (To go further this relationship was actually physically and emotionally dangerous to me)

I think the analogy is painfully accurate.  My relationship felt great and yet would have very likely ended in my utter physical, emotional and financial consumption and immolation --and yet I find myself here today still trying to figure it out. 

My advice, if I may be so bold, is to read read read.  Deep dive into this message board.  If your situation is like mine you will read one account after another which will be haunting.  The things you said to each other, the things you felt and the dreams you had -you will see them repeated in other people's stories.  Then read further and see what the end game can look like.  Read about the marriages, fights over children, the financial ruin.

Perhaps she called you 'her knight in shining armor'... .mine did.

Here are a couple of the books I Have read.

Is it Love or is it Addiction (Schaeffer)
12 Rules for Life -and Antidote to Chaos (Peterson)


Wicker Man

By the way a Wicker Man was a hollow man constructed by the Celts to be burned in effigy.  This was what I was signing myself up for -immolation.  To be clear, I am not angry with her --as a matter of fact I feel enormous pity for my ex.  I still miss the dream of her, but the reality would not have stood up the light of day.

[stixx44]

Wicker Man,

You are so right. Everything my ex said to me that I felt was genuine has been repeated here by others ex’s too. I was not special to her. And when I finally came to that devastating realization... .and truly accepted it... .I knew I did the right thing in not being drawn into her final recycle attempt.

It’s only been a short two months since that attempt, and I still (if I’m being honest with myself) find those intimate moments creeping back into my brain. 

However, after a moment of sadness, I remember.  I was no one special to her.  And that gets me through those weak moments.

Stixx

[Wicker Man]

You are so right. Everything my ex said to me that I felt was genuine has been repeated here by others ex’s too. I was not special to her.

Herein lies the true tragedy in Borderline Personality Disorder, in my opinion as a layperson, for her it was utterly real in the moment -real on a level I can never hope to understand.  When she loved me, she truly loved me with every once of her being --and meant every word.  When she was raging -she truly hated me with every once of her being --and meant every word.  When she drank she truly forgot about us. 

I saw no malicious intent in her actions, intent implies control.  She has no emotional control, no filter, and very little sense of self.  She lives with one foot in reality and the other foot in fantasy.

Now... .The subject of this thread is 'How do I heal from her?'  In my case, the love I felt from her was like nothing I had ever experienced.  It allowed, or perhaps better put, caused me to white wash over egregious behavior.  It sparked my 'I can save her' instinct as a codependent.  It made me feel if only I loved her enough, gave her enough it would allow her a safe place to heal her wounds. 

I had been unaware of BPD during my time with her and it was not until after leaving her I discovered the disorder.  --I consider myself fortunate, somewhere down deep a tiny voice told me to let her go.  It was after a 7 day rage where she ultimately said 'We have nothing more to talk about' -she broke up with me!  I was shocked, felt desperate, I was shocked -but ultimately realized this was an arrow in her quiver... .She could really leave me one day during a rage.

There is no way to know what would have happened if I had continued down the path I had started walking -but the odds are very likely it would have ended very badly for me. 

In my mind I know this, but it does not stops one's heart from yearning.  I will never feel love like that again, because it was not a healthy love.  It was love on the hyper sensitive level which, in my opinion, can only be counterbalanced by a darkness.  There was no balance -the highs were stratospheric -the lows were perilously crushing verging on dangerous.

So... .yes... .How to heal from her indeed.  The answer for me appears to be educate myself on the disorder, through therapy understand my attraction to it and --time.


Wicker Man

[Cromwell]

Hi whiteknight.

theres nothing to say that she wont come back to you, if at the time you would be seen as a good candidate to meet her needs. Theres a multitude of past experiences, my own included where they come back, and you say youd take her without a second thought, well I did the same. But in the midst of those feelings realise that this whole thing has caused you a great deal of psychological and physiological disturbance. The lack of sleep plays a huge part. I really feel you are doing the right thing to get as much support as possible and my only advice besides that is to get some breathing space to recover, at least get to a stronger place mentally and physically before you make any choices such as rekindling this R/S if she does get back in contact. It sounds you did a lot for this person, I think its important to prioritise on getting yourself better and looking after number 1.

[whiteknight4152]

Whiteknight, I'm glad to hear that you're attempting to apply yourself to things and are seeking support from a P.  If you receive support for your anxiety that will help you a great deal.  My question to you is are you ready to let go?  If you are holding onto hope, it will be difficult for you to detach.  We can help you here to work through your grief and heal, if that is what you want to do?  Let us know how you feel about this and how your appointment goes with the P. 

Love and light x

I went and saw my doctor today, which upped my dosage on my medication. She said that it didn't really matter if she had BPD or not, she made a choice. She said since she's back with the ex, i myself have to let it play out and let go for now. I understand this reality, it's just such a hard pill to swallow. She said no matter what, if you two are meant to be, then it will be. I want to heal. I'm currently addicted to checking their social media constantly and I'm trying my best to stop, cause all it does is torture me. I guess i keep checking to see if they are still together or not. I know a big part of my mental health, is to stop looking at what they are doing. i just have to find a way to keep my attention elsewhere and not look at that stuff. It's so difficult when she's all i think about day and night. The more i think about her, the more i talk myself into the thought that i will never find someone as good as her when it comes to qualities i look for in a woman. so then my brain instinctively starts looking at her things again, because maybe this time i look they will be broken up and i can get her back. What does that say about me that i'd take her back after she completely lied to me about the breakup, made me out to be insane, and was back with her ex before we even broke up? How does my love for her outweigh that? I've never been one to tolerate even the slightest of this behavior, but with her, i would not only tolerate it, but i forgive her and want her still so badly.

[once removed]

it makes more sense than you might think, whiteknight4152.

its natural to miss someone that we loved, even if they hurt us.

i remember that struggle between my heart and my head. my ex crossed a lot of lines before and even after the breakup. she also jumped into a new relationship immediately, and i waited for her to return.

in retrospect, a lot of my feelings revolved around how powerful the impact of her rejection of me was. in my mind, she was the only one who could cure that, and make me whole and loveable again. i saw her on a pedestal.

i dont necessarily recommend "focusing on the bad", or painting our exes black to cope. believe me, i tried, and i only felt worse, because it didnt ring true and i couldnt stay in that frame of mind.

she completely lied to me about the breakup, made me out to be insane, and was back with her ex before we even broke up? How does my love for her outweigh that? I've never been one to tolerate even the slightest of this behavior, but with her, i would not only tolerate it, but i forgive her and want her still so badly.

i would, however, recommend fleshing this out in writing. it seemed off to put me that i put my ex on a pedestal, when she had never been there during the relationship. its not as if i wasnt very aware of that in my head, but there was something very powerful about putting it down in writing that brought a much needed balance and eased my pain. susan andersons Journey from Abandonment to Healing talks about this stage of grief where we begin to "rail at our rejector". just dont do it to her/at her directly .

i had trouble with checking on social media too. its just one of those things that you have to make the choice to stop, and you will when you really decide that its not helping, only brings you pain, that it isnt worth it, and that you have control over it. it took me a while to get there, but learning to control that impulse is something that stuck with me long after the experience.

as for never finding someone as good as her, id encourage you to work through the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck. there are ongoing threads on each belief right now that you can dig into. the list is here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[whiteknight4152]

it makes more sense than you might think, whiteknight4152.

its natural to miss someone that we loved, even if they hurt us.

i remember that struggle between my heart and my head. my ex crossed a lot of lines before and even after the breakup. she also jumped into a new relationship immediately, and i waited for her to return.

in retrospect, a lot of my feelings revolved around how powerful the impact of her rejection of me was. in my mind, she was the only one who could cure that, and make me whole and loveable again. i saw her on a pedestal.

Thanks for the reply Once Removed. How did you cope with the loss of your ex? Did she ever come back to you? Everyone is telling me the same thing; to take her off this pedestal i have her on. It's so difficult when you know you were everything they wanted, but they have to ruin it because of their fear of us leaving first. It makes since to me that she went back to her ex because that was comfortable and familiar, even if he treated her poorly. Maybe when the time comes, she'll know it will be easier to leave him. I know i shouldn't want her back. But in all honesty, down the road, if something happened between us again, i would probably consider getting back with her. I understand that's being hopeful, and the hope is what is holding me back as well. As much as i want her back in my arms this very instant, i have no other choice but to work on myself, for the day she does come back, or for someone else.

[Wicker Man]

“Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.”

― Ayn Rand

I have known this for over 30 years, but I still fell into a trap full of contradictions.  I am a 'nice guy' codependent, I should think most of us would rather call this being a 'romantic' -but it is not healthy.  It allows us to be drawn into unhealthy relationships, stay in them, and what is more feel responsible for trying to help someone who is actually abusive.

I was guilty of Childish love 'if I care for you the way I want to be loved -then you will love me that way too' --this flies in the face of human nature.

When I look back at my experience with an undiagnosed borderline lover the fable of the scorpion and the frog keeps coming to mind.

"Helloo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

no lifeguard is required to objectively risk killing or severely injuring themselves in order to perform their job duties!

In a moment of clarity and utter honesty the woman I loved more than life itself said to me "You must leave me --I will destroy you".  --this was pure love on her part, she adored me to the point where she implored me to leave her --I should have.  Down deep she knew she would turn me inside out, and she did.  She broke my mind and broke my heart.  This gave me the strength to leave her.  My emotional breakdown gave me a moment of clarity -to see our relationship for what it was, which was a dangerous study in dysfunction. 


I can't say I know what you are going through after she left you, but I still feel shellshocked since leaving my BPD lover -I still miss her very badly.  She still to this day wants me back, this is after more than 4 months of no contact --she is still wearing our engagement ring.  I know with but a single message I could restart our relationship.

I know I would immediately feel the stratospheric high again -but I also know it would be like starting a schedule 1 drug -feels great, but will end life as you know it, and ultimately lead to your utter destruction.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou


Wickerman

[once removed]

How did you cope with the loss of your ex?

i was a basket case, wk, so not terribly well, but slowly and surely i got through. realizing there were other people going through similar helped a lot. learning about BPD helped. writing. focusing on myself. giving myself permission to feel whatever i felt - it never helped me to tell myself i should or shouldnt feel a certain way. work the lessons, work the stages of grief, be self aware where you are in your journey, and expect that there will be wild ups and downs. fill your life up with people and things to do, as youre able. revisit old hobbies and skills, and perhaps even better, learn new ones.

Did she ever come back to you?

no.

I understand that's being hopeful, and the hope is what is holding me back as well. As much as i want her back in my arms this very instant, i have no other choice but to work on myself, for the day she does come back, or for someone else.

bear in mind that this is the Detaching board, and that members here are working through the stages of grieving, given up hope, resolved to leave, whatever, and so most of the advice you will receive on this board will pertain to that.

i know what its like to be somewhere in between. i wanted her back for some time, so im not here to say "give up hope". i tried, the best i could, to put that hope aside, in the bottom of my heart, and to do what i needed to do in terms of getting my life back, for me, and id encourage you to do the same. eventually, i did decide that my relationship was over, and i needed to grieve and move on. it hurt, unbearably and in a different way than the initial agony, for a while, and then things slowly but surely got better. so i can tell you, should you choose to let go (a place i had to reach in my own time), there is a lot of hope on the other side. whatever happens though, we are here to support you.