I don't even know what to do...

[Yat4]

Background: We finally had to set boundaries with my d32 a few months ago. We got stretched to our financial and emotional limits. We completely stopped giving her money, because it was endless. We still pay for some things (cell phone, car insurance, etc) but no longer will handout endless money.

We have gone through hell for it, but it has seemed to improve. Apparently it has not. My ex (her father) has been in prison for 25 years for arson (of my apartment). He was extremely abusive (physically and emotionally) to me before and also I found out in recent years, that he attempted sexual abuse of my younger sister and niece. My daughter knows all of this. Still she has been in contact with him recently, trying to get money from him and today, even had him contact her boyfriend and physically threaten him to pay off her car loan.

I have PTSD from the five years we spent together and barely made it out alive. She knows this and is still having contact with him, even though she has three small children. I am having panic attacks today just thinking about what she has told him and wondering if he is going to murder me in my sleep tonight. What am I suppose to do with this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

How terrifying. 

Well your d has poor judgment which can't come as a surprise at this point.  Still worrisome though right?  she doesn't see how dangerous he is or how risky her behavior is or even how scared you are.  Don't take it personally, it's a symptom I guess. 

Can you make your place safer somehow? Even getting a dog? Or a bat / new locks or add a deadbolt to your bedroom door?

I'm so sorry this is what you're facing.   

[Huat]

Hello Yat4.  I want to jump in here, too, and give you a  .  If anyone needs one now, it is you.

Needless to say, you have been to hell and back over the years.  What strength it took for you to move away from your first abusive relationship.  Not all are able to do that.  You did!  How great to read that you went on to find someone entirely different and have made a life with him. 

I fully understand when you write... ."I have PTSD."  I think all of us here suffer from that to one degree or another.  Just when I think I've risen above what has happened in the past, then comes a memory and I have to fight to get back in control.  The good news is that I do get back into control.  I'm encouraged... .not discouraged.

So now, what for you to do in this situation?  Well, you think back to how you have pulled yourself through in the past and see that the strength is within you to handle whatever comes your way.   When it comes to your daughter and her actions, sadly all is out of your control.  Who you do have control over... .is you. 

You may have posted this information before but I will ask... .have you ever gone to counselling for yourself?  If you fear for your safety, do you think of speaking to someone at the police department?

Whatever your answers, I am so glad that you are here.  So glad that you are able to vent to a community of parents who are more than willing to wrap their arms around you as you move forward.  Not an easy thing to do... .but you've done it before in circumstances most of us have never faced.

Hang in there, Yat4!

Huat

[bluek9]

Hi Yat4,

         I can echo Huat, I have PTSD also. So tuff to live with and can often be debilitating. I'm so very sorry you have to feel vulnerable like that. I'm also glad you came here to share your thoughts and concerns. Is this ex somewhere by? I mean could he really gain access to you, or find you? That's awful. My heart goes out to you because I know how that feels. My ex is across the country and 30 ago but, that doesn't do much for the PTSD he installed.
          You are smart, strong and fearsome, I know that because you got away. I join in sending you hugs    .

[Yat4]

Thank you so much for your support. I had a meltdown last night, but got myself under control again. I still don't know what to do with this information, but thanks to many who care I remembered that I AM strong. I have gone through much more than this and made it.
My Ex doesn't live far from me and I am so worried that d32 is going to get angry with me and give him my address. He stalked me before, that is how he found where I lived and burned it down. I have been so good about not letting her push any triggers and been calm during our interactions, just focusing on positive things and focusing on the grandkids. I feel ashamed that she finally found one, maybe the deepest most hurtful one. I have been to counseling in the past. Maybe it is time to go back. Thank you so much for your support!

[wendydarling]

Hi Yat4

You've been on my mind, your safety, your health and wellbeing.   

How are you today?

WDx

[Yat4]

Thank you WD! I am slowly improving and taking back my life.

[wendydarling]

Thank you WD! I am slowly improving and taking back my life.

Glad to hear Yat4, steady as she goes! 

[Daisy123]

Hello Yat4,
Wow! To echo those who have posted and to state the obvious; you have been through a lot. What a terrifying Ex. 
Yes, stay strong, Yat4. I’m keeping you in my daily thoughts. Keep in touch.

[Yat4]

Posting this as a suggestion from WD. She thinks this may help others and I agree. It's so hard to be in this position and feel you are alone. I hope this reaches others how are there too. This board is the only support and understanding that many of us get. It is a blessing!

"It has taken me a lot to reach this truth for myself. I have limited my communications with my daughter to the grandkids only for now. I have a lot to work on myself before I think I can handle further communication with her. I cannot NOT react at this point in time. It is futile! For now, she has been civil and respecting my boundary, but I also know her well enough to know that she is going to have a rage at some point and cut off contact with the grandkids for some undetermined amount of time and I have to accept that. I hope that at some point I will be strong enough to be able to manage again, but that time may never come. I'm learning to let go of the guilt of that!"