Ex Reconnecting With Her H After 1Year Separated

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

They both moved out of their shared 1 bedroom apartment a year ago this past January.  Christmas eve night of 2016, they both called the cops on each other for DV. D6 awoke to set cops in the apartment. She only told me because our daughter might have said something.

Earlier in the year,  she called the cops on him and his brother. H didn't follow directions, and was slammed, cuffed, and charged for resisting arrest. At the time,  I had coached her not to let him back into her new apartment, but she didn't take my advice.  In between, she had punched him in front of the kids and would have gone to jail if he had called the cops. 

She moved on into a subsidized 3 bedroom condo.  $1500 less/month than market.  Nice digs. She lost her first subsidized apartment in 2015 when she moved him in after marriage and his small income put them at the line.  They were kicked out of a 2 bedroom to all go to a 1 bedroom, no subsidy. Counting when she moved out in February of 2014, that's 4 moves. Not normal, especially for the kids. 

The day before yesterday, S8 was talking about family. He said,  "I have 2 dads!" I asked him who his other dad was and he said [name]. I asked him if he had see them.  D6 told me a few months ago that he'd shown up at their door and that her mom told him to go away because he wasn't in their lives anymore.  Truthfully, I cringed. That's cruel.  Especially since she had him help her move. 

I asked the kids if they were seeing him more.  They said that he comes on Fridays, sometimes on Saturdays. They said he spends the night sometimes.  But never on Sundays because they have school. 

Unlike when she tried to work it out, signaling by wearing her wedding ring again last year.  She hasn't been.  I asked at the time.  She's hiding.  That's her right, sure,  but the kids are older and tell me stuff.

Despite going to a prime private college prep school and finishing a degree at a local university,  step-dad is betting on a business that high school drop outs do. His lack of providing, a major conflict and trigger, isn't gig to change, but my ex was enamoured of his Narc tendencies and words from the beginning. She's into that get rich quick foolishness too.

Not living together, I understand the recycle.  I'm ready for more drama.  I just wish they world stop screwing with the kids,  and that's what it is.  What a messed up dynamic to model to little kids of what a mixed family should be,  unlike the hero step-parents on the board.

I was mad until tonight,  but realized I need to return to my game. Being angry isn't helpful to me or anybody.  He has this religious fixation on her as his wife. She shared with me almost two years ago that he grabbed hey and shoved her on the couch and forbade her to divorce him when she mentioned it.  He also threatened to call the cops on her "and the kids would end up with me. " I so wish my kids weren't in this mix... .I wish I could co-parent with a healthy step-dad, but he's not.  Nothing about this is healthy. 

[Turkish]

They both moved out of their shared 1 bedroom apartment a year ago this past January.  Christmas eve night of 2016, they both called the cops on each other for DV. D6 awoke to set cops in the apartment. She only told me because our daughter might have said something.

Earlier in the year,  she called the cops on him and his brother. H didn't follow directions, and was slammed, cuffed, and charged for resisting arrest. At the time,  I had coached her not to let him back into her new apartment, but she didn't take my advice.  In between, she had punched him in front of the kids and would have gone to jail if he had called the cops. 

She moved on into a subsidized 3 bedroom condo.  $1500 less/month than market.  Nice digs. She lost her first subsidized apartment in 2015 when she moved him in after marriage and his small income put them at the line.  They were kicked out of a 2 bedroom to all go to a 1 bedroom, no subsidy. Counting when she moved out in February of 2014, that's 4 moves. Not normal, especially for the kids. 

The day before yesterday, S8 was talking about family. He said,  "I have 2 dads!" I asked him who his other dad was and he said [name]. I asked him if he had see them.  D6 told me a few months ago that he'd shown up at their door and that her mom told him to go away because he wasn't in their lives anymore.  Truthfully, I cringed. That's cruel.  Especially since she had him help her move. 

I asked the kids if they were seeing him more.  They said that he comes on Fridays, sometimes on Saturdays. They said he spends the night sometimes.  But never on Sundays because they have school. 

Unlike when she tried to work it out, signaling by wearing her wedding ring again last year.  She hasn't been.  I asked at the time.  She's hiding.  That's her right, sure,  but the kids are older and tell me stuff.

Despite going to a prime private college prep school and finishing a degree at a local university,  step-dad is betting on a business that high school drop outs do. His lack of providing, a major conflict and trigger, isn't gig to change, but my ex was enamoured of his Narc tendencies and words from the beginning. She's into that get rich quick foolishness too.

Not living together, I understand the recycle.  I'm ready for more drama.  I just wish they world stop screwing with the kids,  and that's what it is.  What a messed up dynamic to model to little kids of what a mixed family should be,  unlike the hero step-parents on the board.

I was mad until tonight,  but realized I need to return to my game. Being angry isn't helpful to me or anybody.  He has this religious fixation on her as his wife. She shared with me almost two years ago that he grabbed hey and shoved her on the couch and forbade her to divorce him when she mentioned it.  He also threatened to call the cops on her "and the kids would end up with me. " I so wish my kids weren't in this mix... .I wish I could co-parent with a healthy step-dad, but he's not.  Nothing about this is healthy. 

[pearlsw]

Hey Turkish,

I saw your post sitting here and just wanted to drop in and offer some support as you've done for me and so many others! I hope others come by soon and join us here!

I hear that it is beyond difficult to be trying to co-parent with such folks. That is such a hard burden to bear in life. You mention being "off of your game", may I ask what typical things you do to keep yourself afloat when faced such enormous challenges? And may I inquire if there are any things you do that help the kids thrive as best as possible within this turmoil?

with compassion, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi Turk,

Those poor kids I can just imagine the confusion and fear that they would have felt with cops in their house. I can also understand feeling angry at their step dad. Getting to your game is being a rock for the kids. I’m sorry I don’t have advice this feels like going round 2. The issues that they had in the past will probably surface quickly think about it this way they know each orther very well and also know to push each other’s buttons. There might be a blessing in disguise in all of this.

[Turkish]

Thanks pearlsw.

My game is moving on with my life and trying to be Turkish in real life.  Realizing that my ex is an "independent entity free to make her own choices" no matter how "unwise" I deem rhythm to be as my T said. My T also said after they separated, "he needs to go away." What a messed up example of a marriage and step-parent role model they are showing the kids,  like the opposite of the hero step-parents here on the board.  It pisses me off how this has and is affecting the kids.  I/we have a long way to go.  

Thanks Muttley. What's a blessing is disguise?

[Mutt]

Thanks Muttley. What's a blessing is disguise?

He’s out of the picture a second and maybe last time after a quick recycle.

Do you think that either one are mature enough to make it work?

[Insom]

Ouch, Turkish, this all sounds hard.    I hear that there's a lot of intense stuff - emotional stuff plus erratic/frightening behavior -  going on and that you're concerned about your kids.  Do you know what your options are going forward?  What's the best living situation for your kiddos?

[zachira]

You are worried about your children being affected by domestic violence. I believe you have shared with us that you live in California. In California, domestic violence in front of children is considered child abuse, and is reason to remove the children from the home. Parents who will not keep the offender out of the home lose custody when the domestic violence is enacted in front of the children, if there is ample evidence to support this. Contact Child Protective Services and see how they can help you. You may have to make more than one report. Every time your children witness domestic violence that is a mandated report for those who are required to report child abuse. Your children deserve to be safe, and I know you love them more than anything in the world.

[Turkish]

 We went through this 2 years ago.  Timeline:

Wednesday night she called at 7PM. I didn't hear the phone as it was charging.  No text, I figured it wasn't important.  She calls back at 9pm.

She sent him out for pizza, and had been mostly supporting him at this point.  She asked him where our son's tablet was.  She accused him of moving it.  He was fed up with her attitude and accusations.  It was months building.  He came home and started yelling at her. Threw the change at her.  Kids were in the living room and this was in the kitchen but in view. 

She took out the pizza and got the kids to sit down to eat.  He wouldn't let up and was mocking her mothering in front of the kids. She asked him to stop.  Then told him to leave (his name was on the lease). She got up and punched him hard.  He cried "I should call the police!" He should have. She would have gone downtown. 

At the 7pm call it was going down and she was calling me. "Why are you calling him?" She said for me to come get the kids.  He took the phone from her, which is a felony because she was also going to call 911. He eventually left. 

She told me on the 9pm call but sounded safe.  I told her I needed her to do two things: call her T to tell what happened.  And I texted her a local DV hotline and talked her into calling (I had my Turkish hat on and talked to her based upon the skills I learned here. 

She texted me back and said that they were helpful and told her the same things I had told her.  Safety plan, etc.  Friday we had an appointment for D6, then D4. I held off on reporting given all of this.  She admitted it to the T in front of me.  Kids were playing in the hallway at the office.  The T said that she had to report it. 

The T discussed it with her colleagues and decided not to report given that we were taking parenting classes there, both kids were in therapy and my ex was taking responsibility.  Female T. Would I have been reported if it were me? Maybe. 

I saw my T the next week and he agreed based upon the plan that he wouldn't report it either.  12/24/16 was the last incident when the cops came.  D6 only awoke when the cops came.  He had effectively moved out by then and hadn't been staying there.  I didn't report it because she was moving out of the apartment a week later and I had the kids for that week.  I returned them to her in her new apartment.

[Insom]

What do you think is the best living situation for your kiddos given the current circumstances?

[Turkish]

 That she and her H never actually cohabitate again.

[Insom]

Right.  You don't get to control that, though, so it is off the table.  What is the next best option?

[Turkish]

Reporting them the next time.  I think it will be chill if they stay like this. We aren't supposed to quiz the kids but I think I will ask if they argue as in the past.  Our son volunteered things last time. 

[heartandwhole]

How are things going, Turkish? Any new information about your ex and her ex spending time together?

heartandwhole

[Turkish]

 Nothing going on that I can tell and I don't ask.  Getting ready for the transition into summer... .I may have to burn down most of my PTO watching the kids a lot.  D6 is going in for adenoid surgery next month, S8 for minor dental surgery in 2 weeks.  So I'll be seeing a lot of their mom. 

[zachira]

Hello Turkish,
I am sorry that you are suffering knowing that your children are being mistreated and there is probably nothing you can do about this, except being the kind caring father that you are when the children are with you. How old are your children? I know that in California there are therapy programs for children all the way from kindergarten through senior year that will oftentimes see any child in the school system without charge, and without any real mental health pathology. The philosophy behind these programs is that prevention is the name of the game, and helping the young can really make a big difference for their futures. I often worked with children who needed to talk about what was going on in their dysfunctional homes, and the children were able to develop the skills they needed to get through such difficult childhoods. Anyway, just a thought, and I realize this may not be helpful at all, as I really don't know a lot about your situation. Take care, and know that you are making a big difference in your children's lives by being a loving and caring father that would do anything to help your children have a better childhood than the one you had.

[Turkish]

They are 6 and 8. They seem to be doing well for the most part.  They had already been in therapy and two years ago they took part in 6 weeks each of a group play therapy while their mom and I did concurrent parent classes in another room.  This was snot the time of the DV they had witnessed.  They may have forgotten about it.  If mom ends up cohabiting again, I will discuss a safety plan with them.