Daughter-in-law alienated son from family

[Shadow144]

Hello to all.

I've started writing this first post so many times and ended up deleting out of frustration.  I end up writing such a lengthy post to get everything in, but that's just impossible.

My son, who was 21 at the time, met a girl on a gaming website from another state.  She was 27, was married and had a son who was about 7.  Long story short(er), they got involved romantically, she got divorced (in that order) and now she is married to my son.  They also have a 2 year-old child.  This young lady is still going to school and she is about 30 now.  She can't hold a job due to "anxiety" and is on some sort of disability.  My son, last I knew, was working 2 full time jobs to support everyone. 

SO MANY things have happened, I can't even begin to recount them all.  The bottom line is that my son no longer speaks to anyone in our family - including his 2 brothers, aunts, uncles, etc.  He and his wife have blocked us from FB and every sort of social media.  We haven't seen them in almost 2 years.  I strongly believe his wife has BPD, and my T agrees, as do all family members.

I believe the reason my son goes along with this is because he has no self-confidence.  He has been pretty overweight most of his life, and I believe he feels that he would never be able to have anyone else interested in him that looks like DIL. 

He has completely changed over the course of the last few years and is almost a total stranger.  Once the NC was starting, I only got nasty messages from DIL.  My son never said anything about any of this.  I believe that every email or text goes through her first, and my T agrees with this as well.  She knows my son very well, as she had counseled him as well.  She agrees that he would never speak to me or anyone the way "he" did via text and email, and it is most definitely her language.  Therefore, I have no way to even speak to my son.  None of us do. 

We had an incident almost 2 years ago when one of my other sons passed away unexpectedly.  While I'm not proud of it, the day before his wake I had a few drinks on an empty stomach, and after watching DIL smack my son on the back of the head and then literally throw the baby at him and stomp away, I lost it.  I have been watching the way she treats him for so long and not saying anything, but not that day.  I don't remember everything I said to her but I do specifically recall telling her that she was poison to our family.  And I meant it. 

I've apologized so many times I can't count them, and asked for forgiveness, especially in light of the fact that I was despondent after having just lost my son.  Since then, she has undertaken the task of cutting us completely off.  Prior to my son meeting her, we were close, as I was/am with my other sons.  My T confirms that when my son was in counseling he always said that he was so thankful to have me and that he looked up to me.  (their father was not the best role model or father)

I'm so sad after having lost my other son, and I am so resentful that this son has done this to me/us during the worst years of our life.  It has taken a lot for me to get where I am now, a lot of grief therapy, for both of them.  I miss being a grandmother.  I haven't seen my granddaughter since she was 7 months old.

I just don't know what to do at this point.  I'm so afraid I will die and not see or talk to him again.

Thank you for listening/reading.  Any advice or comments are appreciated. 

[Turkish]

 So you said something, maybe tipsey... .dealing with the devastating loss of your son, triggered by her behavior.  You apologized (here I would think there is little to apologize for, but you did the polite thing anyway) and suddenly you're painted black.  I'm sorry that happened... .

Is no one in between you and your son? In-laws you know?

[Harri]

Hi shadow144 and welcome.  You will find there are several people posting who are in similar situations with their adult child being involved with or married to a person with BPD (pwBPD).  It is very difficult and can really turn your world upside down especially when you first become aware something is not right and then as it continues.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your other son.  It is not uncommon for things to be said or done in times of grief and devastating loss.  You've apologized and it is now up to your son and DIL to accept or not.  I would refrain from apologizing anymore about it.    At this point I would say whatever they are doing or thinking goes way beyond that day and is not something you need to apologize for.  Saying anything more at this point will likely only feed whatever dysfunction they are caught up in.  As hard and as heartbreaking as it is, leave it to them. 

You may find comfort and support in this thread here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285794.0;all about experiences and coping with BPD in-laws.  Most definitely you will see you are not alone. 

I hope you continue to post.  We have communication strategies and tools we can direct you towards when you are ready.  The strategies and tools can make communicating with a pwBPD and your son feel less confrontational and can help you feel more confident and grounded in yourself.  Eventually they may help decrease conflict between you, your son and DIL.  If they sound like something youa re interested in, let us know.

Take care

[Mutt]

Hi Shadow144,



I’m sorry that you’re going through this  I agree with the others if it were me in her place I would have put myself in your shoes and thought about what you’re going through. You were going a terrible loss, you apologized for it I would of taken the high road and accepted that apology. To err is human.

Are there grand parent rights where you live? Have you sought legal advice?

[Shadow144]

Thank you all for your replies!

Harri:  I agree with you on the apology issue.  In my last communication with my son over 1 year go, I told him once again that I was "deeply, profoundly sorry", and that I offered him my "heartfelt apology once again, as I have many, many times.  However, I am no longer going to grovel and beg for your forgiveness."  I also told him that I accept complete responsibility for my actions, but that I hoped over the course of his life I had done enough good things to outweigh this one horrible night.

Turkish:  There is no one in between my son and I.  My family all lives in the same state.  My son now lives in another state, pretty far away, where her family lives.  Her family has too many issues to get them involved.  In fact, DIL in the past has cut her own mother out for extended periods of time for whatever indiscretion she committed.  DIL seems to always be offended by someone.  She doesn't have any real friends to speak of, except one that she has known for a long time who appears to tolerate her. 

Mutt:  I'm not sure about grandparents' rights.  I haven't looked into it.  However, we live so far away, it wouldn't be practical.  And I'm not sure it would be the best thing to do at this point to force this issue.  They clearly don't want any of us involved with them or their daughter or DIL's son, whom we welcomed into our family as well. 

The whole situation is just so frustrating and sad.  I feel/felt like if I could just talk to my son maybe we could make some sense of this whole thing and get past it, but I'm never allowed to talk to him.  There were so many times, including that night when I lost it, where my son said to my husband that he didn't know how much more he could take with his wife.  But then he always reverts back.  It's like he doesn't have a brain anymore. 

I've been going to my T all along.  I kept asking her if I was the person she was making me out to be to my son, and she said definitely not, and that if that was the case I would be having the same issues with all of my boys.  At least that makes me feel a little better.

Thank you all again for reading and responding. 

I'm sorry that we have this in common, but it makes me feel a little better to know I'm not alone.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I am glad to hear that you have stopped apologizing at this point though i am sorry your son can not accept your heartfelt sentiments.  We have some articles here that can help explain some of what your son may be experiencing with your DIL.  There is something called FOG where fear, obligation and guilt can keep a person in a dysfunctional situation despite saying things like "didn't know how much more he could take with his wife." as you son said.  It is like they can see glimpses of the reality of the situation by they get over-ridden by FOG. 

There are many more articles that can help you understand and also cope with present circumstances.  You will find them here in our Library: Tools and Skills Workshop section of the site.  There are also men who have been in the same sort of relationship with a pwBPD who cut contact with their own family to appease the whims of their disordered spouse.  You can find some of those stories as well as people trying to maintain or improve their relationship with their BPD spouse on the Bettering board if you feel like reading more about what your son may be experiencing.  I think for now, focusing on you and helping you understand what you can and can not do is best though. 

Take care

[Panda39]

There is something called FOG where fear, obligation and guilt can keep a person in a dysfunctional situation despite saying things like "didn't know how much more he could take with his wife." as you son said.  It is like they can see glimpses of the reality of the situation by they get over-ridden by FOG. 

Yes above, and then you throw in your son's values into the mix too.  My significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and he stayed in his marriage 17 years, because of his sense of duty to his family, because he took his vows seriously, and because you work on your relationship/marriage.  Others here speak of codependence (emotional/financial), fear of leaving their children alone with their ex during visitation if they leave, and others are trying to rescue and fix their spouse.

Your son is in a complicated relationship and you and anyone else close to your son is a threat to his wife.  At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment she can't understand that your son could love you and her she can only see that he loves you or her. He is going along to get along... ."Walking on Egg Shells" (Thus the name of the book below)

You may have already done this but I want to suggest reading about BPD so you get a good understanding of what it is.  When I first discovered BPD I hit the books at the library to get a good grounding.

Two books that I particularly like on BPD in general are... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger 

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr M. A.

I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information, you might want to check out the "Lessons" section when you get the chance.

I hear how hard and painful the situation with your son is, but I think you are doing the right thing by trying to get a handle on what is going on. I also want to say that this situation is now... .just now and does not necessarily mean forever.   

Hang in there, 
Panda39

[Shadow144]

Thank you, Panda39.

Your explanation that DIL can't see that my son can love her AND me really makes sense to me in a way that I hadn't considered before.

I'm so grateful to have found this board.  It makes me feel like I'm not alone, thank goodness.  I sometimes felt like I was going crazy. 

I am hopeful that the situation will change.  With every holiday or special occasion that comes up, I have to try to not get my hopes up that he will suddenly see the light and reach out to me.