The whole situation at my FOO with uBPD Mom in control emotionally exhausts me

[todayistheday]

There is so much going on now that my head is spinning.  Apart from my family whose life revolves around trying uBPD Mom as calm as possible.  Which is impossible.  I live two hours away which is ideal because I can usually stay out of the drama but be close enough to get there if I deem it necessary. 

Background: 
* My therapist hypothosized my Mom to be BPD after an episode between her and my Dad really stressed me out. 
* Growing up, I could never do anything right in Mom's eyes.  I was emotionally abused and somewhat physically abused as well. 
* Younger Sister was golden child.
* Dad is OCD and also an enabler, but beaten down by her.
* I escaped by going to college a year early and busting my butt to not flunk out and have to go back home.  I never had kids, out of fear of being like my Mom.
* Now, golden sister is enmeshed.  She lives next door to parents.  She has 3 "adult children", ages 18, 22, and 26. 
* I live 2 hours away.  I find that ideal.  I can be out of the drama circle, but get there quickly if I really need to
* Now, I am somewhat golden.  When growing up, I was the one she mistreated.  Now at 55, I am the one she wants around. 

I never realized until the last few years that sister knows how mean Mom is.  But she does. 

Fast forward all of the many years of family drama to today.  Mom has had medical problems of orthopedic nature the past few years.  She had two knee surgeries in the same year, the second a replacement.  I went and helped take care of her during and after those. 

She broke her arm the week after Easter.  She had surgery on it about a week later.  I went for the surgery and then left and came home.  I had the intention to not "spoil" her while I was there.  The previous two times, after I left, all she did was complain about my Dad.  Even lying about what he was not doing or trying to do.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday for the first time in a week and a half.  Her right arm is in a brace and she has to keep her shoulder still and can't use it.  I am still recovering from shoulder surgery on the right side and totally understand everything she's experiencing.  Guess what, she doesn't want empathy.  She wants to be able to say how bad she has it and has to "win".  She doesn't want understanding, but total sympathy.   She was also saying how things would be better if she had someone there with her who could do things to help her.  Dad is there and sister is next door.  One thing she mentioned was hair washing. 

My sister called today to say Mom had fallen again.  She said that Dad over-reacted.  He was trying to get her up and was freaking out and cussing.   Not like the Dad that I know.  It's the stress.  She did not re-injure her arm.  But she sprained her ankle.  I can only imagine the 'woe is me' that is coming.  I told her about my conversation yesterday when Mom said she needed help. Sister said she'd been over there and offered help and Mom refused it.  She's even offered to do the hair washing.  Bottom line is she wants me there to wait on her and that's not going to happen right now.  If she and Dad truly can't handle it, it's the nursing home for her.  Sister and I are both pretty much through.

My sister and I handle my Dad totally different.  I give him sympathy and let him vent to me.  She told me that I'm now his confidante.  I do let him talk sometimes, but I don't really listen to much of it so as to absorb that energy.  Sister's attitude is that Dad had planned to leave Mom when sister graduated high school.  She was all for it.  Then he didn't do it.  Dad did confide in me that Mom said that she had enough pills to do herself in if he left her and that's why he stayed.  I revealed that to sister a few weeks ago. Her answer "That's her choice, not his problem if she does that."   (An example of how we were raised differently?)

So I am now feeling very anxious.  Emotionally exhausted.  My life is mostly good right now and I don't need to be thinking about what's going on there.  I've had my own ups and downs the past few years.  Not only with the parents/sister drama, but with my job and my injury leading to my surgery. Job  is going great now and I'm almost recovered from my surgery.  My attitude about the surgery was always "bump in the road", and I feel blessed that I live in a place where the problem that I was experiencing can be fixed, albeit a bit slower than I wish.  No pity party like Mom wants!  So now being on the mend, I  just don't want to deal with the Mama/Papa/Sister drama.  I don't plan on answering if my parents call tomorrow.  They usually won't leave messages.  If there is something I need to know, sister or BIL will have to call or they will have to resort to leaving a message.  I want to continue enjoying the fact that the rest of my life is at a good place now.  Which it never is when I'm around them.  Is that so bad?

[Mutt]

Hi todayistheday,

  I want to continue enjoying the fact that the rest of my life is at a good place now.  Which it never is when I'm around them.  Is that so bad?

A pwBPD illicit guilt in loved ones, i think that you’re probably feeling some guilt, your dad felt guilty to leave your mom didn’t and things didn't change.

You’re just asking to have a break to have some me time and I can see how this dynamic would suck up all of your energy. Séf care is really important when you have a pwBPD in your life you can minimize the contact when it’s getting too much and remove that boundary when you feel like you can take it and go back to self protection when it’s emotionally exhausting again. It’s a malleable boundary it doesn’t have to be a hard and fast rule.

[Turkish]

No it's not so bad,  and it's interesting that you and your sister switched roles.  Your mother is playing the Waif needing rescue and refusing help.

Sister said she'd been over there and offered help and Mom refused it. She's even offered to do the hair washing.  Bottom line is she wants me there to wait on her and that's not going to happen right now.

This is her choice.  Hire would you feel about speaking to truth? Accept local help a free woman,  or be helped in a nursing home by professionals.

[gotbushels]

Hi todayistheday   

I'd like to join Turkish and Mutt in support of your discussion here.

* I escaped by going to college a year early and busting my butt to not flunk out and have to go back home. 

I realise a bit of what this is like for you. "Busting my butt" and really going to town with doing well was a way that helped me to get rewards in places where I had more control.

I never had kids, out of fear of being like my Mom.

I know a little about fears like this. Sometimes associating a position with someone we don't like who is in that similar position can cause us to move away from things that may benefit us.

* I live 2 hours away.  I find that ideal.  I can be out of the drama circle, but get there quickly if I really need to ... .

Distance can create relief from people whom make you feel anxious. I appreciate what this might feel like for you.

I hope you enjoy your peace. 

[MissAlwaysWrong]

It is not wrong to want to enjoy the positive aspects you have going on in your life at the moment. It is difficult though when the guilt settles in. I'm still learning myself to let the guilt go and realize that despite any efforts that we can make, nothing is going to change. You could be on the phone all day or even go back to your mom and offer all the help in the world and there will still be complaints. Keep your head up, stick to your boundaries, and enjoy your life.