Sex and rejection

[cblr237]

I first noticed that my bf has major issues with sex and rejection years before I figured out he has BPD. Any time he doesn’t get sex he feels completely rejected. Is this a normal BPD trigger?  I can never reject him but he can reject me. And he has many times. When I bring it up he gaslights me (when did you even come on to me?) or makes excuses (I just worked 14 hours today!) I’m so tired of having to explain myself.

Like last time we actually planned on having sex but he was too tired and so was I. We agreed to just postpone until the morning but then he woke up and was complaining about this and that hurting. So it’s not like I was going to come on to him then? So he got up and went to the bathroom and when he came back he got visibly upset. We could have still had sex but apparently it was time for him to go to work. He doesn’t have a set time he has to go so why is that my fault that I didn’t have sex with him “on time”? I don’t even want to dignify this with an explanation of what I felt happened (“well I wanted to but you went to the bathroom and was in pain... ?”) Because what if I really didn’t want to that morning? Why can’t I say no but he could the night before?

He then doesn’t speak to me for 2 days. Finally he messages me he’s sorry. He’s sorry BUT he felt hurt I didn’t want to have sex with him. How am I even supposed to respond to that?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Turkish]

I kind of went through this.  She could reject, but if I did, major trigger. She would use it to soothe her no matter what I was feeling.  She was angry (for whatever reason), I was,  no matter.  I grew resentful, which wasn't good for me or the r/s.

Have you tried talking about it starting with the validation tools? I realize this is a "minefield" subject with a romantic partner. 

[cblr237]

Have you tried talking about it starting with the validation tools? I realize this is a "minefield" subject with a romantic partner. 

This time I’ve definitely tried a lot of “I can see that you’re feeling... “ and “you seem to be upset because... .“ and “I understand why you would... .“  and it somehow literally ended with his saying “I knew you were cheating on me! I’m so f’ing stupid. Nobody cares about me and my stupid life!”

[Turkish]

It's hard to find a validation target there  

Other than what is communicated by the core feelings of a pwBPD "I'm worthless and undeserving of love." If on-demand sex equals love in his mind,  hard to deal with.

Toss is back into his court by mirroring him, "how do you feel that no one cares about you and your life?'

[pearlsw]

I dealt with this too for many years. He’d say/do awful things and I didn’t want to have sex as quickly again as he did, but if I didn’t give it to him EVERY time he wanted, who cares about me, there’d be hell to pay.

I found some workarounds that helped, but the issue is always somewhere under the surface. He uses it for soothing. And it made me feel not always human. And ruined how I feel about sex…you can’t seduce someone that is demanding it and insatiable. So the mutual part of it, what it could be, taking turns, gets thrown way off. It feels like throwing sacrificial victims into a volcano! And I was the one going into the lava!

It was always hard to talk about/resolve/improve because he can’t handle emotional conversations. It’s taken work, but this can improve in some cases.

It’s important to speak in a way where he can express his emotions and not be so overburdened by shame that he can’t deal with it. No criticism. No shame. Validate.

[cblr237]

It was always hard to talk about/resolve/improve because he can’t handle emotional conversations. It’s taken work, but this can improve in some cases.

It’s important to speak in a way where he can express his emotions and not be so overburdened by shame that he can’t deal with it. No criticism. No shame. Validate.

Any time I bring up a point of his I agree with or an attempt to see his perspective he seems to completely ignore it and jump to something else that is in a completely different line of thought. Something almost irrelevant to what we were just talking about. It’s like he WANTS me to disagree with him and tell him he’s wrong so he can continue his downward spiral. Sometimes I don’t know what to do except ignore him.

[pearlsw]

Oh yes, sometimes people “want fights” because they want attention and don’t know healthy/direct ways to ask for it.

Have you ever had an open ended conversation about how he feels about sex with you? A chance for him to speak without you JADE-ing?

I wonder if he could express his feelings he might feel better? I must admit my SO’s feelings were so intense for me at times I was not really listening to or respecting his feelings enough. This was hard for me to admit because I didn’t want to be that way towards him! My SO did feel hurt and I was rejecting him, but I didn’t know how to stop the cycle. Once I recognized what sex meant to him it helped me develop ways to deal with this topic and make improvements.

warmly, pearl.

[cblr237]

Oh yes, sometimes people “want fights” because they want attention and don’t know healthy/direct ways to ask for it.

Have you ever had an open ended conversation about how he feels about sex with you? A chance for him to speak without you JADE-ing?

I wonder if he could express his feelings he might feel better? I must admit my SO’s feelings were so intense for me at times I was not really listening to or respecting his feelings enough. This was hard for me to admit because I didn’t want to be that way towards him! My SO did feel hurt and I was rejecting him, but I didn’t know how to stop the cycle. Once I recognized what sex meant to him it helped me develop ways to deal with this topic and make improvements.

warmly, pearl.

What ways did you use to deal with it?

I know that he sees sex as a way for me to show my love for him. But he is an abyss. No matter how great of a sex life we have, if there is even the shortest lull he will immediately throw a tantrum. I believe he uses it to test my love for him. I can’t keep up with it because it makes me feel used. Like I’m just a vessel. I can’t get him to understand the basic principle of human respect in this area.

[Catlady3.14]

Oh my I could have written this myself
I have no advice but I'd love to listen to see what advice you get for this subject.
I'm sorry you're going though this.
Thank you for being open about the subject.