Stuck...unsure of next steps...

[cosling1]

Hello there... .first time here.  I'm trying to figure out what to do next. My wife has been diagnosing me with various issues for 15+ years and she's been trying to get my son help for issues (defiance, anxiety and mild depression). She takes son to yet another psychiatrist who takes son off ADD medicine and starts him on an anti-depressant. Wife convinces me to see the shrink for my issues and a pill to fix me.  This is therapist 6. Shrink tells me the same thing... .the issues are not yours, your wife has a personality disorder.  He tells me to get into therapy with my son as I have to be the stable one with a solid relationship with teen son.

I go see a new therapist, explain the issues, he tells me to read Stop Walking on Egg Shells.  I ran out of highlighter halfway through the book. I'm three weeks into this thing and it's like I have the Rosetta Stone for the last two decades of my life. Now I see clearly why my son is ODD, anxious and depressed. It's the same reason I'm all three of these. Geez. I had to teach him how to walk quietly so as to not get her attention. No kidding!

She is high functioning, invisible. Everyone loves her. She refuses to work (one teen at home, only child) and refuses to believe she has any diagnosable disorder and refuses to allow the previous therapists to share information. She can quote the DSM on the traits and is positive she doesn't have it. My son wants out. He wants the two of us to move out and get him away from the unpredictability of his mother and her constant blaming, shaming and gaslighting. I'm toast. Too many years of being blamed for everything wrong in our lives and letting myself become brainwashed into believing it. Kind of numb. 

She's flipped from anger and verbal abuse the past month or more to sweet and kind. Acting hurt because I'm not reciprocating her attention. She's seen the book I mentioned and is acting shocked that I'm even reading it. Family and friends are all in agreement that there are issues there. Our home can be sold with a large chunk of equity to split, so she can take her time finding work.

I'm stuck... .looking at years of accumulated "stuff" to downsize, too exhausted and frankly not wanting to divorce... .just separate... .lick my wounds, see how my son is impacted being away, and then figure out what to do next. Wife won't want the separation, I'm unsure of what she will do when put into a corner, sad that it's come to this and yet not wanting to have to expend the energy to try to manage her with tips in the book. More importantly, I have 4 years left with my son, and I need to help him get his head clear. And I can't be there to protect him from her accusations and gaslighting. Which of course leads to rage when I'm not supporting her and makes me the reason why he is the way he is.

It's just so hard to make this call and I don't want to make a bad decision just into this thing. Ugh.

I'm not sure I asked a question. And it feels a bit odd putting it out there like this... .but I'm up for anything at this point.

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[GTX]

Your post includes many similarities to my situation. Married 18 years to uBPDw that blames all problems on me and says I need to be fixed.  Have gone to at least 5 different counselors and all have said she needs private therapy. That makes her mad because she wants them to say I am the problem.  I am not without issues and blame, but nothing like what she has and is in denial about.  I have even sought private counseling to show her that there is nothing wrong with doing so.  She still clings to a facade of being the innocent victim in a hellish marriage where I am the bad guy.

She is high functioning and has a successful career in the same field as me. People we know professionally would probably not believe what she is like away from the office. 

Two teens in the home and huge amount of equity tied up in the home, but not enough cash on hand to just leave without the house being sold so proceeds can be divided.  That makes separation without divorce and a home sale difficult.

Kids both recognize her issues and gravitate to me.  That just makes her more resentful and angry.  She tries to diagnose them with anything she can find on the internet and says that I have failed as a parent and caused their problems. 

I am in a similar spot to what you have described.  I would love to just separate or divorce and walk away, but would find it very difficult if she insisted that the kids be with her (which she has said many times would be her position). 

Currently trying very hard to work things out, but questioning whether that is the smart thing to do.  Life would be easier and happier if I was away from her.

[pearlsw]

Hi cosling1 and GTX,

These are indeed tough questions! Thank you both for sharing about what you are facing.

It's funny how much our possessions can trap us with people and in lives we don't want! I'm overseas and when I think about restarting my life I can't even figure out how I'd get me and all my stuff back in the other direction, the same way I brought it all here. It can be very mentally overwhelming!

Perhaps working with a counselor could help you break the whole idea down into small pieces for a closer look and give you a chance to properly weigh it out?

Sounds doing it for your son, even more so than for yourself, could you propel you to act? What is your gut instinct on this? What would make you most happy in life?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[cosling1]

GTX, I think I posted this on the wrong board. Newbie mistake, but until I figure out how to move it... .I'll reply here. Our stories sound very similar. It's kind of creepy seeing someone else explain their situation and me thinking, "what the heck are you still doing in the relationship?" Hits kind of close to home.

Pearl, you nailed it. It is my son that I have to prioritize. Spouse's mom called me tonight, she's concerned about her grandson, spouse's brother is too, as is my sister and friends.

What I don't know how to do is address the elephant in the room. She wants to connect, I'm still in DEFCON 4 mode waiting for the next round of emotional nukes, and I don't feel like there can be any meaningful progress until we talk about "it." She's found a marriage seminar to attend, but the issue isn't something that can be addressed in marital counseling. Otherwise, the $10k already spent would have achieved some progress. We are still at square one.

I keep reading that you cannot tell the BPD what they have. I don't want to throw the previous therapists under the bus by telling her which ones said what... .she's already said she doesn't have any issues... .maybe some garden variety anxiety or something.

Therapy with my son, tomorrow. Finger's crossed.

[pearlsw]

hi cosling,

what board would you rather be on? Conflicted? or?

i talked with my partner about BPD before i found this site. later i changed to talking about “emotionally sensitvity”. in my case he is aware something is “off”…it is not always easy for him to hold onto that idea though. poor guy.

i know “easier and happier” has its appeal. how do you or she feel about working on things? do you still feel open to this? or do you feel shut down? these are not easy decisions for sure!

warmly, pearl.

[waverider]

... .she's already said she doesn't have any issues... .

This is not always the truth, it is often just a protective veneer a person with issue wears to ward off accountablity for consequences they dont seem to cope with. 'I cant fix it, so its not my problem, its yours, you fix it". If they were to own problems they couldn't fix they would compound and overwhelm them.

It is a kind of avoidance by delusion, and you can't argue with delusions. All you can do is expose them to the consequence of those delusions, their personal crisis/rock bottom.